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Hi,

First post here. My wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me. In sixteen years of marriage she has given me head *maybe* three times. I’ve asked her about it several times and she always tells me its "unladylike" and "icky" and "gross" and, oh yeah, there must be millions of "germs" on my penis. I have always told her that I would thoroughly wash my unit first and I would NEVER come in her mouth. (I don’t even want to.)

Conversely, she LOVES to get oral sex from me. I used to do it for her a couple of times a month, but I got fed up with the lack of reciprocity and now do it maybe four or five times per year.

It’s been extremely frustrating that my rational professional woman wife is so irrational and phobic regarding this aspect of our sex life. Are there any guys out there who have successfully overcome an oral sex phobia with their SO? Therapy is probably not an option because as far as she is concerned there is no problem to be addressed.

BTW, I asked her if her objection to it was due to parental or religious admonitions and she says no on both counts. She also says that she has not been sexually abused before she met me. Her objections seem to be entirely on aesthetic grounds.

TIA
 

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Why give her oral ever? I think you have two choices. You can either accept that she isn't interested in giving you something you want, or you can do something about it.

If you want to do something, I don't think withholding sex is the answer. If your wife is typical, she has a lower drive than you do. You would just be punishing yourself in order to make a point.

What I suggest is finding something that you do for your wife that she loves and you aren't crazy about. If your wife loves to sit and drink coffee on the porch with you on Saturday mornings, then quit doing that. Something like that. Just cut it out.

When your wife balks, tell her that you've decided you're not interested in giving her what she likes anymore. You can then link it back to her refusing oral for you.

If she doesn't balk, at least you've matched her level of effort in your relationship. Nothing sucks more than running in place for her approval while she isn't interested in how you feel.

Good luck.
 

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why would you marry her if she only wants you to down on her but she wont return the favor?

Dude that is selfish and hypocrisy at its finest. "Germs"

Its marriage you are married sex is vital
 

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sorry to hear that bro. Let me know if you ever find out the answer. My wife gives me occasional bjs, but won't let me go down on her which is something I used to love giving my ex-gfs. For some reason, I really enjoy doing that so I'm hoping one day I can change her mind. Keep searching for the answer but know that it may take time (or may never even happen), and find a way to manage your emotions regarding it. Definitely not an easy task and I sympathize...but if you're having sex, count yourself lucky amongst the people in this section of the forum =)
 

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I always made sure to return the favor, and switched up what I did. Kept her on her toes, and she was usually eager to see what would happen.

As for your wife...

Tell you will return the favor quite a bit if she will reciprocate. If she loves it. But flat out REFUSE if she won't give it. If she really wants it, she will give it.

Or, to deal with the germs:
They make flavored condoms. Maybe wear those, and see if she would be open to it.
Or do it in the shower, after thoroughly washing.
 

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She may have been sexually abused. I used to hate giving oral for this reason; any guy that pressured me despite my discomfort reminded me of the man who sexually abused me.

If this is the issue, your wife needs to seek help rather than punishing you for her past.

If she cannot give you oral, you should not be going down on her.
There are a lot of fluids and germs that come with sex. If everyone thought about this all the time, the human race would die out. I hate to sweat and I don't like my husband's sweat dripping on me during sex, but I tolerate it because it is natural.

Some people are grossed out by normal things; the human body can be pretty disgusting.
 

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As you're already in the situation, not sure what to say to fix it. But, I learned early on, that if a woman thinks a penis "ugly" or giving head "disgusting", that is the litmus test. It's a very good indication of what the rest of your sex life will be like her when she's finished with the "bait and switch" and trying to win you over. A couple rounds with those types were enough for me to learn to RUN from any other who was like that.

By the same token, the best sex I've ever had (with my W) is with someone who loves to give head and "craves it".

She should try some counseling perhaps. Especially if her sex drive is otherwise ok. If that's the case, it may not take a lot to get her through this barrier?
 

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Being a lady I have also came accross this situation no. of times in the initial stage of my marriage. I also used to love getting oral from my husband but hate giving the same. Then gradually the things changed. I studied lot on net about oral sex, I was more concern about hygeine. Knowlege makes a person human being and I too after going through in detail on net got to know that its not bad and totaly safe. But yes, dont expect your wife to give you oral suddenly, it will take time from the day you start working on this. If she loves you, she will not deny provided she is clear with all her mental blockages. She must be obsessed with cleanliness. Ask her to read more on oral sex, written by experts, if possible take her to a sexologist who can clear her all mental blockages. Clean your genitals prior to sex accompnying deo's and perfumes (some sexual fragrance). Do foreplay as much possible before final sex. Give her space while doing sex. I am sure she will get ready for it the way I do for my hubby.

Preeti
 

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As you're already in the situation, not sure what to say to fix it. But, I learned early on, that if a woman thinks a penis "ugly" or giving head "disgusting", that is the litmus test. It's a very good indication of what the rest of your sex life will be like her when she's finished with the "bait and switch" and trying to win you over. A couple rounds with those types were enough for me to learn to RUN from any other who was like that.

By the same token, the best sex I've ever had (with my W) is with someone who loves to give head and "craves it".

She should try some counseling perhaps. Especially if her sex drive is otherwise ok. If that's the case, it may not take a lot to get her through this barrier?
This guy got it. My wife said early on in our relationship she didn't like giving head but made up for it in other ways. I saw some of those other ways before marriage but have not since marriage. And our sex life since marriage has not been good. But the refusal of oral early on was a sign I ignored. She has no sex drive. And exgf before my wife loved giving head and loved sex in its many forms. She couldn't get enough.

If I find a solution I will post it up. But don't hold your breath.
 

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She may have been sexually abused. I used to hate giving oral for this reason; any guy that pressured me despite my discomfort reminded me of the man who sexually abused me.

If this is the issue, your wife needs to seek help rather than punishing you for her past.

If she cannot give you oral, you should not be going down on her.
There are a lot of fluids and germs that come with sex. If everyone thought about this all the time, the human race would die out. I hate to sweat and I don't like my husband's sweat dripping on me during sex, but I tolerate it because it is natural.

Some people are grossed out by normal things; the human body can be pretty disgusting.
:iagree:

Initially my wife didn't like my sweat either, but now she likes it.
Funny thing is she always gets really turned on when giving me oral.
A lot of stuff that repulses people are actually mental barriers.
Only they could remove it . [ with help from their spouses of course!]
 

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That sounds extremely selfish of her. I'd probably put a stop to giving her oral unless she returned the favor.

I've had some oral issues in the past. I can not stomach semen, I literally throw up and I can not help it. I finally found a lube that works very well(ID Juicy lube, mint). However, I can not have my husband finish inside my mouth completely, so either we finish with a HJ or other ways. I absolutely love giving oral, but I can not stomach semen, not even the presemen. My husband is very happy we found the lube and is satisified with what we do. I also have to be very careful due to a nasty neck injury I have too.
 

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sorry to hear that bro. Let me know if you ever find out the answer. My wife gives me occasional bjs, but won't let me go down on her which is something I used to love giving my ex-gfs. For some reason, I really enjoy doing that so I'm hoping one day I can change her mind.
I'm in the same boat. I can't fathom why my wife won't let me do it to her. She gives GREAT BJs from start to finish. She said she never can finish that way so it's a waste of time -- but there's more to it, I think. She does NOT let me touch her "down there," and rarely lets me touch her during foreplay. When she wants to be touched, she drags my head to her breasts, and she finishes herself by touching herself.

I am a VERY tactile person, and was taken aback when she didn't like to be touched or even massaged. It's taken me three years of VERY SLOWLY working my way from her feet to her legs to her arms to her back to allow me to give a massage. She's begun to let me snuggle and touch her breasts on rare occasion, but I'm making progress. She has let me "help her" when she is ready to O, but she's made it clear that she prefers her own hand.

I have a silly feeling that she likes to get things done quickly, and that she knows it will take longer if I do it rather than she does it. She is quite passionate, but I think she has somewhat compartmentalized sex into a place where it has a certain timeframe. Sometimes if we make love and I am taking a long time to finish (sometimes I can't due to medication) she simply ends it, even if I offer to finish her.

I can only suggest that you take some form of strategy where you touch her where she is comfortable, and then work your way, slowly towards forbidden places. For me, that has let me go from what started as simple innocent foot rubs, to nearly her entire body. I'm starting to incorporate kissing and nibbling into my strategy.

When I do this, I make sure that I am NOT doing a quid-pro-quo massage-means-BJ kind of tactic, and have quite gotten used to her falling asleep in my arms during a massage. This is QUITE a change from when she would balk at cuddling at all because she assumed that ANY cuddling meant sex.

Based on her history, her first husband slept in a separate bed and any time he was in bed with her they had missionary sex and he went back to his own bed immediately. She did NOT experience an O until 7 years into her marriage at age 26 or so, and then it was was inconsistent. The unrewarding sex led to an affair and a disastrous second marriage to a serial cheater; I don't think he was particularly giving either. I have a lot of history to overcome.
 

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Hi,

First post here. My wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me. In sixteen years of marriage she has given me head *maybe* three times. I’ve asked her about it several times and she always tells me its "unladylike" and "icky" and "gross" and, oh yeah, there must be millions of "germs" on my penis. I have always told her that I would thoroughly wash my unit first and I would NEVER come in her mouth. (I don’t even want to.)

BTW, I asked her if her objection to it was due to parental or religious admonitions and she says no on both counts. She also says that she has not been sexually abused before she met me. Her objections seem to be entirely on aesthetic grounds.

TIA
After 16 years, you may be kinda stuck. IMHO, it seems unlikely that she's going to change.

When introducing any new behavior to anyone, you have to address the stated objections, and then work towards the goal in incremental steps that incorporate something that is an approximation of what is the final outcome.

As you have already addressed her objections in terms of cleanliness, and she's already given you a few BJs, you have already established a pattern that may be harder to break than if it was 16 years of NO BJs at all.

At the risk of sounding too graphic, I'd still give it a shot by maybe doing some of the following over the course of MANY sessions. Start out with sessions that do NOT end up with anything resembling a BJ, and don't even pressure her into completing anything sexually.
  • Incorporate her into a cleaning ritual. Let HER wash and dry you.
  • Depending on your personal views, you may want to incorporate shaving. (I never have, but it could help tone down an "ick")
Don't hold back showing your excitement, but don't pressure her to continue. If you simply can't stand it, maybe finish yourself. And maybe even offer to lend her a hand.

After a few more NO PRESSURE sessions, add in a bit more. Do NOT do too much in one session, just add in a bit each time. Don't pressure her to continue to the next step until she is comfortable with the current step.
  • Maybe turn the cleaning ritual into a "hand job"
  • Incorporate some kissing into the HJ
  • Then add in tongue
  • Etc … not wanting to get any more explicitly, but think small steps

Make sure your diet includes foods that won't add any pungent or bitter perspiration or fluids, such as garlic, onions, fish, or asparagus. Maybe add in stuff that will make things a bit more flavorful; pineapple may be a good choice.
 

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As you're already in the situation, not sure what to say to fix it. But, I learned early on, that if a woman thinks a penis "ugly" or giving head "disgusting", that is the litmus test. It's a very good indication of what the rest of your sex life will be like her when she's finished with the "bait and switch" and trying to win you over. A couple rounds with those types were enough for me to learn to RUN from any other who was like that.

By the same token, the best sex I've ever had (with my W) is with someone who loves to give head and "craves it".

She should try some counseling perhaps. Especially if her sex drive is otherwise ok. If that's the case, it may not take a lot to get her through this barrier?
Hold on now.... My story proves there are some exceptions to this...Sexual repression was MY issue... just a lack of education, plus my husband never really talked to me or tried to arouse these passions in me.

I was dumb enough to speak out of my mouth that I felt all penis's were "homely" yrs ago, I guess this comment really hurt him & he sure as H wasn't going to ask me to put my mouth on it after that "foot in the mouth" comment .... not one of my brighter moments by a long shot ...Thank God we can :rofl: about it now..

I could write a freaking thesis on how much I love the organ now...want to take it in my mouth, all of it - very naughtily ...worship the darn thing. Mesmerized - I got it bad.

I don't know about this wife, but they say when a person is REPRESSED, they do not know they are repressed, all I knew is back then... I wasn't comfortable with it, he didn't try to push me though, so it was never a deal breaker but had I not been so brainwashed on religious teachings - or seeing the dirtiness of porn as a young person, so many made sex look CHEAP to me and I just associated this act along with the dirtiness, I have no other way but to describe my feelings other than this.

I needed to throw out the religious books & get a secular book on SEX, that would have served me much better back then.

I had issues with him doing oral on me too though, my brain was in overdrive the whole time -thinking how can he stand that, ewww, what if I smell, I was just so darn embarrassed, he was not one to say anything during sex.... looking back I feel he could have calmed my raging mind by talking me up- a little flirting, telling me how much he loved what he was doing... something [email protected]#$% ....but the quietnesss screamed to me.

Obviously I am so over all of those hinderances of the past, and free as the most erotic bird one could possibly find in a marriage bed, so... in this way... I do believe some women CAN change, kinda depends on her issue.... and a change in her mindset...

But at the end of the day....SHE has to be open to that, willing and seek it out. For me- a sex drive increase put me over the edge. :)
 

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Hi,

First post here. My wife WILL NOT perform oral sex on me. In sixteen years of marriage she has given me head *maybe* three times. I’ve asked her about it several times and she always tells me its "unladylike" and "icky" and "gross" and, oh yeah, there must be millions of "germs" on my penis. I have always told her that I would thoroughly wash my unit first and I would NEVER come in her mouth. (I don’t even want to.)

Conversely, she LOVES to get oral sex from me. I used to do it for her a couple of times a month, but I got fed up with the lack of reciprocity and now do it maybe four or five times per year.

It’s been extremely frustrating that my rational professional woman wife is so irrational and phobic regarding this aspect of our sex life. Are there any guys out there who have successfully overcome an oral sex phobia with their SO? Therapy is probably not an option because as far as she is concerned there is no problem to be addressed.

BTW, I asked her if her objection to it was due to parental or religious admonitions and she says no on both counts. She also says that she has not been sexually abused before she met me. Her objections seem to be entirely on aesthetic grounds.

TIA
ORAL: If she thinks it is dirty,solve that by using a condom. If she accepts that, move to showering together. Let her wash your units, and you wash hers. She'll know it's clean. I hope this helps. -- Roger G. Boschman
 

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Some do and some don't. Although these days it seems like very few don't.
I have only been with three women and they all did it at least once.
I should have married my first girl as she wanted it all the time including discharge and never mentioned me doing her.. I was to dumb then to realize what I wanted.
 
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