Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 62 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sorry, had to open another thread on this. Have to figure how to navigate with reply’s, etc.

My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.

Recently I ran into an old friend from college and grabbed a beer to chit chat. We asked about our how we have been, married, kids, etc. I told him I was married to “Beryl” and he said he knew her. My wife is a runner and is in a large running group that trains for marathons and he was also in the group. He then gave me a friendly warning that a few years back my wife sent some texts about how she had a crush on his friend in the same running group. His friend told him about the texts. Kind of shocked but I wanted to dig further.

Went into her phone and found the guy and some messages on Facebook Messger about 4 years ago with him. What I discovered is she was texting him at first about training because he is a trainer but she crossed the line when said she was attractive to him, loved a picture they took together after a race and how good they looked together and some other stuff. She stated she was confused because this has never happened to her before about being attaratced to someone other than her husband and that she loves her husband. The guy was actually a married stand up guy. He told her he was flattered she liked him but was uncomfortable talking about this and was happily married. He told her stick to chatting about running issues. He wife is so lucky. She immediately backtracked in chat at that point and said she only wanted to be friends. Chats after that point from him were strictly about running but she posts a like on everything he posts. He never puts like on any of her posts.

I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.

Now I get the “I’m so sorry”routine and she loves me deeply and it will never happen again but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait.

Whole thing really pisses me off and part of me wants to throw her to he curb and the other part might be able to forgive her as a bad
mistake and we have a family to consider but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA. I just think that is a liscense to steal.

My respect and trust for her now is severely diminished. I know myself and when I don’t respect or value someone I emotionally and physically cut it loose.

I do feel I need some time to evaluate to get past the anger and figure out my path forward

Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
455 Posts
Sorry to hear about your situation.

For your wife, maybe she did deal with it four years ago and maybe she did learn a lesson and has not acted like that since.

The issue for you is that it is fresh and you are just dealing with this now.

The trust you have/had for your wife is damaged and it may be hard to rebuild that trust - especially since I'm sure you did not expect this of your wife at all.

The sad thing is that this knowledge you now have will most likely color all your memories the past four years and that is something you do not deserve at all.

I hope your wife is truly remorseful and does whatever it takes to rebuild the trust between the two of you.

good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
816 Posts
Sorry, had to open another thread on this. Have to figure how to navigate with reply’s, etc.

My story. Been married 10 years with two children together. Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.

Recently I ran into an old friend from college and grabbed a beer to chit chat. We asked about our how we have been, married, kids, etc. I told him I was married to “Beryl” and he said he knew her. My wife is a runner and is in a large running group that trains for marathons and he was also in the group. He then gave me a friendly warning that a few years back my wife sent some texts about how she had a crush on his friend in the same running group. His friend told him about the texts. Kind of shocked but I wanted to dig further.

Went into her phone and found the guy and some messages on Facebook Messger about 4 years ago with him. What I discovered is she was texting him at first about training because he is a trainer but she crossed the line when said she was attractive to him, loved a picture they took together after a race and how good they looked together and some other stuff. She stated she was confused because this has never happened to her before about being attaratced to someone other than her husband and that she loves her husband. The guy was actually a married stand up guy. He told her he was flattered she liked him but was uncomfortable talking about this and was happily married. He told her stick to chatting about running issues. He wife is so lucky. She immediately backtracked in chat at that point and said she only wanted to be friends. Chats after that point from him were strictly about running but she posts a like on everything he posts. He never puts like on any of her posts.

I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.

Now I get the “I’m so sorry”routine and she loves me deeply and it will never happen again but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait.

Whole thing really pisses me off and part of me wants to throw her to he curb and the other part might be able to forgive her as a bad
mistake and we have a family to consider but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA. I just think that is a liscense to steal.

My respect and trust for her now is severely diminished. I know myself and when I don’t respect or value someone I emotionally and physically cut it loose.

I do feel I need some time to evaluate to get past the anger and figure out my path forward

Thoughts?
You have reasons to be concerned.

If it were me - I would demand that she do counseling to find out why she thought she could do that to you...and to fix what is broken inside of her.

And include you in the counseling once every four sessions for updates to what progress she's making to change her way of thinking.

It's also concerning she was doing this and you had no idea she was distracted.

I'd also require she NEVER do the running group again. There's loads of affairs that happen in running groups (yes, I've heard of MANY).


See if she's sorry enough to fulfill your requests. Does she work full time?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
912 Posts
tbone777$:

You know about this affair. The thing to ask about is other affairs. If she was willing to take this physical with someone else, she may have done it again or earlier, or even be in one at this time. Consider a polygraph. You may be only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,146 Posts
Here are my observations on this:



  • She thinks its OK for her to pursue someone that she is attracted to and acts on it. No matter what she tells you now, that is what her natural instincts led her to do.

  • If the next attractive guy comes along she will act on it but hide it better. She is definitely on the lookout for attractive guys.

  • She definitely thinks this OM is more attractive than you - whether she has cut ties or not. The simple truth is that she needs to find a better way to deal with her loins each time she sees a man that is more attractive than you to her.

  • She may swear nothing physical happened, but both you and I know that it would have had he responded.

  • I, for one, could not be married to a woman who thinks and feels this way.

  • I also agree that running groups are rife with this sort of lust.


You need to decide if you want to stay married to someone like this. She would be better off with someone that she is attracted to and needs to face the consequences of losing her family. You need to be with someone that you do not have to keep checking up on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,582 Posts
Our marriage for 10 years has been great, we do things together, have a good sex life and mange our finances well together.
This is a big consideration here. I think you have a marriage that is WORTH saving and a wife who, as she said, made a mistake.

I confronted her about it and the usual BS. She said she made a mistake and and nothing happened and admitted to a EA even though it was one sided. She felt ashamed, stupid, and guilty as she should. I told her to go into her phone and delete all the messages and him as a friend. She told me it was 4 years ago and she dealt with it before it went to far and told me to forget about it and nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen.
This is not the "usual BS"....the usual BS is that the cheater blames the betrayed spouse, "gaslights", "trickle-truth" (and, outright denies the truth), etc. Your wife is doing none of this. She completely has "owned" her actions, repented of them, is not blaming you, and is definitely seeking to restore her relationship with you and your family.

I believe her that "nothing physical ever happened and she would never let it happen". It seems that she just fell into the trap of "feel-good" in the moment, and completely understands that what she did was wrong.

but what upsets me is she was the initiator and got rejected so who knows what would have happened if he took the bait
Well, you have two choices here. One, you can assume that she is lying about "she would never let it happen". This is what is making you upset and not trusting.
Two, you can choose to believe her..... and let go of these thoughts. It cannot be said what "would have happened"....but, your wife, in her current conversation, leads me to believe her.

Door #2 provides you a far better chance at a continued and satisfying marriage. I think a continued marriage with your wife is the most desirable option, like you say, you have a family with her, and you have 10 years of a good marriage.

Trusting her, going forward, will be difficult.... and, your wife saying to "forget" this is a poor word choice. You cannot "forget" it.... you can only forgive it.
But, in my mind, taking the difficult, unselfish path from Door #2 is the way to go.

My best wishes to you and your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
772 Posts
...but what kind of fool gives a free pass for her EA.
You didn't give her a free pass, you confronted her. Be careful trying to make her "pay" for her transgression. If you can't forgive you need to walk away. In my opinion you also need to make sure you have a "trust but verify" relationship in the future. That means open accounts, no unknown passwords, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
I discussed with her about the running group and she said she will only run with women from now on. Who knows if it’s true or not

One thing, she is always trying to push me into long distance running with her. I am in good shape and have a nice physical build but I like a
Muscular build not a runner build. Not a knock on anyone just my preference. I will run about 7-8 miles per session but that is plenty for me. I told her I would run 5k-10k events with her but I have no passion to ever run a marathon which she keeps pushing. She runs 5-8 Marathons a year.

Runners can be fanatical about training which I respect. My wife is a running addiict, it’s her passion and she loves it. I think the reason she turned to this guy is because he is also a running fanatic and they share that together but she crossed the line and has some damaged thinking. I don’t run with her because she is a way higher cardio than me. The guy is actual not very good looking and she even admitted to that.

She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
816 Posts
There are consequences to her crossing the line!

No more running group!

Since she's ruined the trust - it costs her. If she's not totally willing to give it up...then she is indicating that's more important than you/the marriage!!!

She doesn't get to call the shots anymore.

Why would you go along with that crap? "I'll just run with women now" - what a total liar!

Why would you believe her?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,017 Posts
It sounds like your wife developed a crush more than she's a cheater. That is, her brain irrationally went crazy for this guy rather than she inherently has a cheating personality. It doesn't make it okay, but it does seem like it's possible to move past this.

She must cut all ties to this guy. Her brain is irrationally drawing her to him. He's like a drug to her. She needs to remove him from all social media, block his email/phone, join a different running group, etc. If she's liking all his posts, she gets a little jolt every time she does. She probably stalks his social media posts for the same reason. She needs to take whatever steps are necessary so that she never interacts with him again. Even years later it can flare up again. Anyone who had a high school crush can probably relate to how strong those irrational feelings can be years later.

Longer term, she needs to recognize this weakness and take steps to prevent it. It doesn't mean she has to avoid all men, but she needs to recognize when these feelings start in her brain and take steps to remove herself from the situation. There will always be other men she interacts with. She probably also needs to take steps to put her energy towards fixing issues in your relationship rather than daydreaming of an idyllic fantasy life.

Even though it's understandable you don't want to do marathons, is there anyway you can be more involved in her training? Perhaps ride a bike along with her, drive to spots along her route to provide nutrition, go to her races, etc. This will help her avoid idle thoughts that might lead to temptation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
816 Posts
It sounds like your wife developed a crush more than she's a cheater. That is, her brain irrationally went crazy for this guy rather than she inherently has a cheating personality. It doesn't make it okay, but it does seem like it's possible to move past this.

She must cut all ties to this guy. Her brain is irrationally drawing her to him. He's like a drug to her. She needs to remove him from all social media, block his email/phone, join a different running group, etc. If she's liking all his posts, she gets a little jolt every time she does. She probably stalks his social media posts for the same reason. She needs to take whatever steps are necessary so that she never interacts with him again. Even years later it can flare up again. Anyone who had a high school crush can probably relate to how strong those irrational feelings can be years later.

Longer term, she needs to recognize this weakness and take steps to prevent it. It doesn't mean she has to avoid all men, but she needs to recognize when these feelings start in her brain and take steps to remove herself from the situation. There will always be other men she interacts with. She probably also needs to take steps to put her energy towards fixing issues in your relationship rather than daydreaming of an idyllic fantasy life.

Even though it's understandable you don't want to do marathons, is there anyway you can be more involved in her training? Perhaps ride a bike along with her, drive to spots along her route to provide nutrition, go to her races, etc. This will help her avoid idle thoughts that might lead to temptation.
Really? That last paragraph... why is it HIS job to police her thoughts? That's just ludicrous!

She needs to find out what HER problem is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,017 Posts
Really? That last paragraph... why is it HIS job to police her thoughts? That's just ludicrous!

She needs to find out what HER problem is.
It would be more about having time to bond and create a closer relationship. Training for marathons involves runs that are multi-hours long. It sounds like she may feel lonely during these runs. If he can be a part of her training, it would likely help avoid those negative thoughts and likely bring them closer together.

Part of my viewpoint is thinking of her like an alcoholic. She needs to take steps to stay clean, but the close people around her can also help her stay clean as well. It's totally valid to expect the alcoholic to stay clean on their own, but the reality is that temptations can be pretty strong. Since this is a long-term marriage with kids, I think the more he can do to help her the better the outcome will be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
816 Posts
It would be more about having time to bond and create a closer relationship. Training for marathons involves runs that are multi-hours long. It sounds like she may feel lonely during these runs. If he can be a part of her training, it would likely help avoid those negative thoughts and likely bring them closer together.

Part of my viewpoint is thinking of her like an alcoholic. She needs to take steps to stay clean, but the close people around her can also help her stay clean as well. It's totally valid to expect the alcoholic to stay clean on their own, but the reality is that temptations can be pretty strong. Since this is a long-term marriage with kids, I think the more he can do to help her the better the outcome will be.
It's not his job to control HER thoughts!

That's up to her! And if she's not CAPABLE of that simple requirement then he may as well leave her.


I'm an alcoholic...been sober nearly 11 years... I'm around alcohol all the time...it's MY job to never take that drink... it's not anyone else's responsibility!

What you describe is completely codependent.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,980 Posts
i agree with the bike ride along.

I would have loved having someone to join me on those eighteen-mile training runs.
The fact they would have been on a bike is not even an issue.

Oh, and them bringing WATER!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,582 Posts
She said she admired him and his work ethic and was lonely because I don’t run with her. Still no excuse to go outside your marriage because I wouldn’t run with you, you kidding me.
Now, unfortunately, that's the "usual BS". Blame-shifting....He's "better" than you....it's YOUR FAULT....

You're right, these are absolutely no excuse..... truth is, there IS NO EXCUSE. Tell her to go back to her former statements, and this may work out. If she persists in this kind of rhetoric, she can consider her marriage OVER.


She will have to abandon all statements of this kind, FOREVER, if she wants your trust, and to rebuild her marriage.

I think the reason she turned to this guy is because he is also a running fanatic and they share that together but she crossed the line and has some damaged thinking.
Yes, to the "crossed the line" - No, to the "he's also a running fanatic", "they share that together", and the "damaged thinking"....

Don't make excuses for her actions. They were wrong. Period. And, they were borne of simple selfishness and sinfulness. It "felt good". That's the only reason people cheat. They WANT TO because it FEELS GOOD.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,017 Posts
It's not his job to control HER thoughts!

That's up to her! And if she's not CAPABLE of that simple requirement then he may as well leave her.


I'm an alcoholic...been sober nearly 11 years... I'm around alcohol all the time...it's MY job to never take that drink... it's not anyone else's responsibility!

What you describe is completely codependent.
First off, congrats to you for being sober! I'm sure many of us can understand how big of a challenge that is. It's a great accomplishment to stay sober and I hope you take pride in that.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but this family's best chance of success is if they both work on the problem. There is also a chance that she can manage it on her own, but the chances are less. I don't think she gets to be absolved from her transgressions or that he should take total responsibility for keeping her honest. If there weren't kids involved, I would be a lot less sympathetic to her. My advice is really geared more about how to keep this family together and have a healthy relationship going forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,816 Posts
I think it's natural and normal for people to be attracted to other people. I also think just because she was attracted to him doesn't men she is not attracted or even more attracted to you. You can be attracted to more then one person at once. We also all know it's hard to compete with "the new". That could be what he brought just being new. People have thoughts and desires, but adults don't act on them and then remove themselves from situations that they know are affecting their relationship. If that is all it was, and she did that then I would say there are no problems.

HOWEVER, she acted on the feelings to pursue him. He was the one who shut it down, that is a huge red flag. Unfortunately that creates problems because the truth is you have no idea what happens the next time and what has happened in the past. Don't just assume this is the only time. That would be unwise as all you have is her word and she has shown that she is willing to pursue something when she is married to you. Also someone who is married. Your wife has poor character and frankly her love for you is not what it needs to be if she was able to do that.

I guess it's up to you. She should not act like this wasn't a deep betrayal to you and her marriage. It was and minimizing it really doesn't make her seem safe. She needs to do the work. You should suggest a poly maybe at the very least to give her some fear. I think WAY too often Wayward Spouses (WS) are so self focused that they don't understand the damage that they have done to the marriage or what they lost. I also think Betrayed Spouses (BS) don't articulate effectively what is going with their thoughts about the relationship. This is a possible terminal wound done to your marriage.

I think that being said, you should let her know your disappointment. Avoid anger as it will make her defensive. Be blunt and concise, emotional if that is your style but not combative. How this really changes the nature of your feeling for her as you don't feel like you can trust her. It damages you love for her and you feelings about your marriage. Even if you want to there is a good chance you will not recover those feelings and therefore the marriage may not recover. Right now she is the person you trusted with your entire life and she let a selfish part of her nature risk your safety. That makes you want to reconsider your future with her. I would bring up the possibility of divorce and what that would look like for both of you. "This has caused me to lose a lot of faith in you and our future, I am starting to think we should at least discuss what divorce would look like." Now this is depending on how your communication works in your marriage. But if you are there you are going to have to discuss it anyway. She needs to understand that this kind of stuff is that grave. It's absolutely NOT something that happened 4 years ago that she dealt with and you should be over.

Her saying "It will never happen again" really means nothing to you because she would have said to you it would not happen in the first place. There are a whole hosts of dumb statements that cheaters make that cause conflict but if you are going to continue with this it is imperative that she understands that these kinds of statements don't help and actually hurt because they show she doesn't get it. I mean you are a man who had a friend tell you that your wife had feeling for another man. What kind of wife does that? Not a good one.

I would suggest she think about posting on SurvivingInfidelity.com in there Wayword section. These are people who have cheated. Most of the folks who post there have gone farther then your wife has (as far as we know) and are trying to recover their broken lives. She will get good sobering advice. I also think she should read on there because it will give her and idea what she did from an impartial source. I don't recommend YOU post there though. It's not such a good recovery site for people who were cheated on. Finally the book, Not "Just Friends" is always something that is advised as the goto read. The point of all of this is to build in some empathy about how grave this situation really is. WS seem to have problems with that. It's why they are able to continue to push boundaries and do it in the first place. People who don't cheat have a check in them that makes them feel terrible at just the thought of cheating. Your wife doesn't, at least not yet. That is also the risk, not sure if people can learn that or they just have it in them. Again something you need to think long and hard about it.

Thing is you can give her these ideas but you can't do it for her and you should let her actions determine what you want to do. Maybe consult a lawyer so you know your rights as that will give you some control. Having agency is what is going to help you the most. You need to remind yourself that this is your life and at the end of the day you have total agency in it. You have some pretty big red flags and your are right to be concerned. However you don't NEED this women to have a great happy life. This is YOUR life we are talking about YOUR love is a privilege.

I will let everyone else talk to you about new boundaries and stuff.
 
1 - 20 of 62 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top