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Ok here is my situation with as much detail that I can provide.

Some history. Been married to my wife for 15 years. We have a daughter together. My step dad past away in 2010. I became depressed and really blamed myself for his death because we were not getting along at the time. I really needed my wife then she didn't seem very supportive. She didn't even go with me to his funeral or his memorial. She also turned 40 that year and was very concerned with her health and appearance. She started working out a lot, which she never did before. She also started drinking ALOT. Most nights she would drink her self to sleep. I felt like some distance was growing between us, but thought it was natural. Sex was still good a frequent, so I didn't think anything was wrong.

My D-Day was about 6 months ago. My mom came to visit my family in March 2012 and one night we had a private conversation. She said she was worried about some of the things she saw on my wife's facebook page. She said my wife seemed to be going out to a lot of parties and spending a lot of time away from home. I agreed and told her I was noticing the same thing. Actually, my wife wasn't at home the whole time my mom was visiting, she hung out with her friend and went to the casino 2 nights in a row.

After the conversation with my mom, I started investigating, checking phone records, facebook, emails etc. I noticed a lot of flirting with a young kid that is my wife's best friends nephew. Stuff like, you are so handsome and sexy, calling him honey and sweety. And he would always ask her for a kiss. Now this guy is in a different country, but it really bothered me.

After going to the phone logs, I started noticing a lot of calls to a number I didn't recognize. Most of the time she was on the phone with her best friend, and we are talking about an excessive amount of time talking to her (many hours a day). But the different number started looking a bit excessive also.

Unfortunately, I blew a head gasket and immediately confronted her. She said it was just a client (she is a hair stylist), he was just a guy friend, "why I can't have guy friends?". I told her NO, if its just a client, why do you have to talk to him so much? I demanded to talk to him to see if it was innocent. She denied the opportunity and wouldn't even give me his name. I knew something was up and immediately kicked her out of the house.

I kept digging feeling like there was more. The morning before D-Day I had called her to she if she could take our daughter to soccer practice, and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was getting our car inspected. Well come to find out, she never got the car inspected and spent 2 hours in the same city her best friend works at. Well, also that morning she got a phone call from this suspicous number. I had a gut feeling she was seeing someone at her best friends work. With a bit more checking I found that she was going to her best friends work about 3 times a week for the past year. Most of time is was only for an hour. Couple of times it was for 2 hours.

One week later she came back and said she will promise not to talk on the phone like this again, and gave me full transperancy to her phone, email, facebook and all. I told her I knew she was at her friends work instead of getting the car inspected, and she got extremely angry at me. She said she would leave again, but I begged her not to.

Things were great for a few months until recently. One of her friends that she worked with got in touch with me. I told her the situation, and she broke down and told me some horrible news. She said there was an situation at their work where a guy's wife came by looking for my wife. This women was extremely mad and wanted to know what my wife was doing with her husband. Unfortunately, my wife's friend tricked the woman and said my wife no longer works there and helped calm this woman down. Her friend then told me this guy worked with my wife's best friend. She said that my wife has been talking to him for a long time and that I am too late in catching her. She said that after the guy got caught, my wife would use the company phone to call him or her best friend would let him use her phone to talk to him. I was floored.

I went back to the phone logs, and sure enough, there was his number. Tons to talking on the phone, tons of text message, tons of pictures sent. And this for almost 1 year (started in 2010). I received some the text messages I could from iTunes and found a couple of messages stating:
"What you got shaking today?"
"A little nakedness before lunch"
"I know you like that"
"I miss you"
"Call me if you want"
"I had a dream about you last night"
"It was bad"

Now must of the messages were delete except these. I saw alot of the pictures also, and most was of her in different outfits, only showing her body with no head, and one with her in the bathtub only showing her legs. Nothing naked.

So confronted her again, full force. Told her I saw all the text messages and the nude pictures she sent him (which was a lie). She didn't deny any of it. I asked her if she loved him, and she said no, but I told her that she said she did. I asked her why she did this. Why she felt the need to talk to him instead of me, or send him those pictures instead of me. She said nothing. No remorse, no "im sorry", nothing.

I then confronted the guy. He is married has 2 small kids, and he is ugly as hell. He looks like a crack head. Told him I knew everything, saw all the text and pictures and asked him what the hell was going on. He said they were just friends and she was a fun person to talk to and they enjoyed each others company. He said she sent him a lot of pictures of what she was wearing, or what she was eating or drinking and some other funny pictures. "just joking around" kind of things. I told him I saw the naked pics she sent him but he denied it. I told him she said she loved him and he agreed, but didn't understand why she said it. He also confirmed they had met for lunch a couple of times (with other friends) and that they hugged and he may of given her a kiss on the cheek.

Needless to say my world is upside down. I have 0 trust in her. After confronting her about all of this, she decided to seperate to allow things to cool off. She swears up and down that she never cheated on me, and only loves me.
 

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Him being ugly does not matter a whole lot in the long run. You can never ever make sense in comparing yourself to the OM. You will go crazy doing so, though it is very common to do so in the beginning of discovery. Your wife made a choice and it will never make sense.


Confronting the OM (IMO) is not a good idea. They often times will lie their butts off. Ask your wife if they kissed. Kiss is often cheater code for we had sex.

I would contact the OM's wife. Have lunch with her. Do not let your wife know you are doing this.

Separating is not a good idea, my friend. If you want this marriage to work get her home. You are only giving her more time to cheat and if it has not gone physical you are allowing her time to take it all the way.
 
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without remorse and getting nothing but trickle truth and lies, what do you have left in this marriage?

stop begging

the marriage is already over and you lost her, you need to file and have her served

IF AND ONLY IF she comes back begging to do what's needed to help you heal, the complete truth and 100% remorse should you consider R

please read the newbie link in my signature
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Also, like I said this guy is really ugly. Short, skinny, has dark circles under his eyes like he uses drugs. Just don't she how should could have been remotely attractive. He doesn't make much money, and has been married for 10 years with 2 kids.

During my attempt to R, I asked my wife for us to go to counseling so we could learn how to communicate better. It was apparent she could easily communicate with this other guy, but not with me. She said absolutely no, I could go if I wanted and that I am the one with the problem. She told me to read a book or something.
 

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do know above all else- this isn't your fault in the slightest


people who cheat will rewrite marital history, exaggerate problems in the marriage and even flat out vilify their spouse to justify to themselves and others that it was okay to cheat
 

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After all this why is SHE deciding anything? I think that's a problem that runs deep in your marriage that you must address, if you even have a marriage. You caught her cheating and she decided to separate? Only because you didn't gave her what she deserved... A boot in the a$$!
 

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Im sorry that you have to find your self here.
Im not trying to be rude here but..Think long and had about this

I really needed my wife then she didn't seem very supportive. She didn't even go with me to his funeral or his memorial.
from 2010.. :(
 

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Ok, she had sex with him. No doubts about it. What else do you think they were doing in such secrecy ? call this guy's wife and tell her what you found and ask her for the information she might have.

Tell your W about what the OM told you about her.


Your marriage is probably ending. Prepare yourself mentally for this. read about the 180.
 

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So the OM isn't the best friend's nephew? Isn't this the second time she's left when you confronted her? Personally I would have told her not to forget anything when she left this time.
 

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So she didin't drop to the floor and beg and cry telling you she will do what ever it takes to stay, and do what ever you want to save the marriage.

Top that off with refussing couseling and not having an explaination for her behaviors.............

well it sound like she has no remorse, will try to wait for things to cool down...maybe same OM will be around maybe not but she will find some one in the near future.

Why? cuz she hasn't learned a damb thing about her self or why she has these unhealthy nehaviors that sabatoge her life.


Her crap isn't even about you it about how she deals with things and the lack of boundries she was brought up with. See, this crap goes way back for her, for 15 years she did well to hide it. But when the going got tough she snapped and went and dealt with her issues by finding the ugliest bandaid she could find and latch on to it.

Hell who knows back in the day when you guys had some tough crap go down in the young marriage or family she might of gone out for a ONS.


Sorry brother with out real remorse that shows you a true commitment to make her self a better person and fix her self you are in for a long road if you don't let her go.

Your kids don't diserve this kind of life....maybe in the future she can at least fix her self so she can be a better mother.


I strongly suggest you detach, keep your distance and focus on the kids (they'll help keep you grounded). With out the remorse that I mentioned above, its time to do the 180, cut her off, and file.

Do not leave the marital home, and take her up on the next time she threaten to leave.

I know its hard man you aren't going to fix this until she fixes her self.
 

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So the OM isn't the best friend's nephew? Isn't this the second time she's left when you confronted her? Personally I would have told her not to forget anything when she left this time.
No, but I found it out that she started flirting with this guy in October of 2011. The guy she was actually talking to got busted in August 2011. I feel that once she was not able to text and send this guy pictures she started looking for other options. I also feel that this guy had to go underground to keep talking to her, such as using her best friends phone, or my wife calling his work number, which I did see in the phone logs.

One other thing, she claims she befriended this guy because best her best friend considers him her little brother.

I feel like she was surrounded with toxic friends.
 

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Okay you have the problem as opposed to a married woman who can't keep her legs closed. OKay stop being nice to this woman. PLease please please look up "the 180" and start following through with it. She is fully attached to this little boy (if he's over 21 he's a man, stop thinking of this as a little boy deal) Now this OM is not to blame for any of this. He is just a third party. You wife is the one solely responsible for staying within the boundaries of marriage.

She shows no remorse and is shifting the blame all to you. You have not given her one consequence to her actions. Asking her to leave is one thing but making her leave and separating your income from her is another. You need to show her through action that you will not be treated like a cuckold. You will be respected, and since you have damning evidence there is no way to hide. YOu need to tell your family and friends what she has done.
1. to create a support net for you , and to tear hers out from under her.
2. to uncover any toxic friends that covered for her, supported her, or encouraged her to have this A.

Then you must decide on what you want. R or D. Either way you precede with going through with D. Until she shows you through action, remorse, willingness to be transparent, willing to do anything to save the marriage ie , counceling, giving up friends, stop going out, work on things within the marriage.
IF she fulfills all of those then you consider R. Right now you need to put your foot down. You need to stop taking the blame for this. The second your wife started seeking attention and affection outside of the marriage, you stopped being responsible for what happened to the marriage. For example she says" you were never there for me."
(rug sweeping answer) "I am sorry I will do better."
(good answer) "how could i be there for you when you spent 75% of your free time going to see, texting, or being on the phone with another man? That's right I could not because of your actions not mine."

You must commit yourself that you will not be taken advantage of, be lied to, or be hurt by this woman ever again. There is no trust, so don't trust anything she says or does until you have concrete proof in your hands. I would make a list of things your wife needs to do to prevent D. The top of the list should say , No contact with the OM until we are either divorced or dead. She must send a No Contact letter spelling out how she was wrong, that she is sorry, that she will not speak, text or email him again ever. (be prepared to verify)
The next thing on the list should be full transparency. Total unfettered access to all forms of communication, including work email (if possible).
Then you put whatever else you need her to do IE seeing an Individual counselor, and marriage counselor.
You can't be married to a woman who is checked out and you deserve to be happy. Stop taking the blame, stop letting her determine how this R or D is going to go, and start manning up and doing "the 180."
 

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I just can't believe I was so blind. Yes, she wasn't supportive of me with my dad's death, but everything else in our marriage seemed fine. She never refused sex, and actually demanded it many times. We always went out to dinner and vacations and family outtings when all this was going on.

I feel like I should have seen so many more signs. This actually isn't my first cheating spouse. My first wife and I were married very young. We dated through college and was then married for 1 year. I immediately knew something wasn't right, and confronted her. But with her, she actually admitted everything.

God I feel so blind and used.
 

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Seriously, just file. She doesn't even want to pretend that she did anything wrong. You don't want to be married to someone who respects you this little. Find someone else who hasnt done this to you, the world is full of them.
 
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