Wife had EA, it's not the first time...

4108 Views 18 Replies 11 Participants Last post by SweetAndSour, Nov 14, 2012

busta

Discussion Starter · Nov 13, 2012

Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This goes through my head as I write this. When my wife and I started dating, I was the OM, she left him, but it was messy. And it was a rocky start, she flirted and played with me and other men's emotions for the first 6 mos or so. Then, after confronting her, she backed off and was faithful AFAIK. 6 mostly happy yrs later, we marry. She goes on to get her PhD, I work to support her, commuting far and working long hours to help her realize her dream. While in school, meets a coworker, they hit it off, flirt, go out to lunch and bars and such, I noticed, confronted her again, she backs off, she assures me no PA, but I call it a definite EA. So, a year later, the EA starts back up and quickly progresses from flirting to going out to lunch and getting drinks to sexting and setting up a secure comm. I got suspicious and broke into her e-mail to find them planning how to communicate without me knowing. I confront her (yet again), she says she loves me and will do whatever do save the marriage, including therapy and MC, and I still love her, but this hurts so much, and it was once said, fool me once.... uh, won't get fooled again.
Thoughts?

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remorseful strayer

· #2 · Nov 13, 2012

busta said:
Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This goes through my head as I write this. When my wife and I started dating, I was the OM, she left him, but it was messy. And it was a rocky start, she flirted and played with me and other men's emotions for the first 6 mos or so. Then, after confronting her, she backed off and was faithful AFAIK. 6 mostly happy yrs later, we marry. She goes on to get her PhD, I work to support her, commuting far and working long hours to help her realize her dream. While in school, meets a coworker, they hit it off, flirt, go out to lunch and bars and such, I noticed, confronted her again, she backs off, she assures me no PA, but I call it a definite EA. So, a year later, the EA starts back up and quickly progresses from flirting to going out to lunch and getting drinks to sexting and setting up a secure comm. I got suspicious and broke into her e-mail to find them planning how to communicate without me knowing. I confront her (yet again), she says she loves me and will do whatever do save the marriage, including therapy and MC, and I still love her, but this hurts so much, and it was once said, fool me once.... uh, won't get fooled again.
Thoughts?

I love my wife dearly, But that didn't stop me from cheating again. I went way underground and thought i would never get caught. I spent a lot of time with my wife. I was attentive, only met the other women during normal work hours, made sure to have sex regularly with my wife. I used a disposable phone i kept only at work, I never emailed or texted from home.

I doubt it is just and emotional affair, if you suspect otherwiser. Even if it is, it is still dangerous and emboldens the strayer to move onto a physical affair, the longer it goes on.

Why did I cheat again and lose my wife. I don't know. I couldn't control myself.

iheartlife

· #3 · Nov 13, 2012

I think the fact that she ended a relationship the way she did, to be with you, says it all.

This is a super long thread, but you might find it very instructive, from a guy whose wife was quite similar. That is, she doesn't end a relationship before starting the next one--that is her m.o.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53342-im-positive-i-became-ea-victim-today-help.html

Not sure where Greg40's marriage is today, but last I heard they were reconciling and he'd brought it back from the brink. It does require full transparency and also excellent PRO-MARRIAGE counseling so that the person who does this sh*t can figure out why they do it.

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busta

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 13, 2012

iheartlife said:
I think the fact that she ended a relationship the way she did, to be with you, says it all.

This is a super long thread, but you might find it very instructive, from a guy whose wife was quite similar. That is, she doesn't end a relationship before starting the next one--that is her m.o.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53342-im-positive-i-became-ea-victim-today-help.html

Not sure where Greg40's marriage is today, but last I heard they were reconciling and he'd brought it back from the brink. It does require full transparency and also excellent PRO-MARRIAGE counseling so that the person who does this sh*t can figure out why they do it.

Thanks, that is quite the thread to read. You mean, like a monkey, never lets go of one branch until they are grasping the next branch! I think I've stopped it for the time being (maybe). The funny thing is, I have always been the FS, and she never could trust me around other women. projecting, I guess. I dunno, R sounds like so much work that I don't know if I'm willing to carry it out. We don't have kids, and the finances are pretty straight forward to split, and I can be pretty stubborn and selfish when I need to be.

spudster

· #5 · Nov 13, 2012

There's a phrase used here on TAM for the consequences that waywards and their partners (OMs and OWs) that says they will "get hit by the Karma Bus".

Well, as the OM involved when she left her previous husband, you my friend have just gotten run over by the bus. Sorry if there are not many posters on this board who will feel sorry for you.

I don't. But good luck to you anyway, and let this experience be a lesson to you to never get involved with a married woman in the future.
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CH

· #6 · Nov 13, 2012

If she hasn't stopped by now, most likely she'll never stop. She's never had to face the consequences, just kept moving from one upgrade to another (from her point of view).

It's probably going to have to take someone breaking the cycle and shoving it up her you know what for her to learn.

But, some people never learn.

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busta

Discussion Starter · #7 · Nov 13, 2012

spudster said:
There's a phrase used here on TAM for the consequences that waywards and their partners (OMs and OWs) that says they will "get hit by the Karma Bus".

Well, as the OM involved when she left her previous husband, you my friend have just gotten run over by the bus. Sorry if there are not many posters on this board who will feel sorry for you.

I don't. But good luck to you anyway, and let this experience be a lesson to you to never get involved with a married woman in the future.
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She wasn't actually married at the time, just a live-in boyfriend, but I see what you mean, and expect no sympathy from that. Karma can be a real pain.

spudster

· #8 · Nov 13, 2012

Correction taken. Be that as it may, she was in a committed relationship married or not.

Avoid such women like the plague my friend.
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In_The_Wind

· #9 · Nov 13, 2012

Its not fun being the BS when previously the WS what comes around goes around as they say If this is truly the person you want to be with their are steps to take like MC, etc but both parties have to be willing for it to work it sounds as though your WW is a serial cheater and has some issues staying faithfull for whatever reasons

Good Luck

LetDownNTX

· #10 · Nov 13, 2012

What are you going to do to make sure you are not fooled again? Are you forgiving her and working at R or are you out?

busta

Discussion Starter · #11 · Nov 13, 2012

cheatinghubby said:
If she hasn't stopped by now, most likely she'll never stop. She's never had to face the consequences, just kept moving from one upgrade to another (from her point of view).

It's probably going to have to take someone breaking the cycle and shoving it up her you know what for her to learn.

But, some people never learn.

How to break the cycle though and shove it up her you know what? You mean divorce? That seems it would just perpetuate the cycle?

busta

Discussion Starter · #12 · Nov 13, 2012

LetDownNTX said:
What are you going to do to make sure you are not fooled again? Are you forgiving her and working at R or are you out?

I don't know, this all went down yesterday and I'm just working through my choices here.

spudster

· #13 · Nov 13, 2012

Expose her then. Tell everyone she knows and everyone you know what kind of person she is and what she did to you.
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Toffer

· #14 · Nov 13, 2012

No Kids?

Easy finances to split?

You wouldn't catch me looking back!

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Acabado

· #15 · Nov 13, 2012

You don't need MC, she needs IC, she needs to learn boundaires, external and internal ones, she needs to give up this trill seeking attitude. She needs to examine her patterns, her story, the way she (mis)understand intimacy, the way she attach to people, the way she scapes. She needs a make over. In order to be healthier, for herself, for her partners/spouse.
She needs to want to change, to face the mirror. IC, books, self examination, showing the maths would prove it.
Otherwise it's not more than buying time. She will repeat.

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carmen ohio

· #16 · Nov 13, 2012

busta said:
Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. This goes through my head as I write this. When my wife and I started dating, I was the OM, she left him, but it was messy. And it was a rocky start, she flirted and played with me and other men's emotions for the first 6 mos or so. Then, after confronting her, she backed off and was faithful AFAIK. 6 mostly happy yrs later, we marry. She goes on to get her PhD, I work to support her, commuting far and working long hours to help her realize her dream. While in school, meets a coworker, they hit it off, flirt, go out to lunch and bars and such, I noticed, confronted her again, she backs off, she assures me no PA, but I call it a definite EA. So, a year later, the EA starts back up and quickly progresses from flirting to going out to lunch and getting drinks to sexting and setting up a secure comm. I got suspicious and broke into her e-mail to find them planning how to communicate without me knowing. I confront her (yet again), she says she loves me and will do whatever do save the marriage, including therapy and MC, and I still love her, but this hurts so much, and it was once said, fool me once.... uh, won't get fooled again.
Thoughts?

busta,

You are fortunate that there are no children involved and no serious financial issues. Your W is not only a serial cheater (first with you, then twice with her "co-worker") but she is utterly deceitful (from your first post: "I got suspicious and broke into her e-mail to find them planning how to communicate without me knowing").

As you said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on you if you don't realize that it is highly unlikely that you will ever to have a committed, trusting relationship with your W.

It's up to you to decide whether your W is the woman with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life. I believe you have all the information you need to make a decision and no one on this forum can tell you what is best for you.

Good luck.

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busta

Discussion Starter · #17 · Nov 13, 2012

carmen ohio said:
busta,

You are fortunate that there are no children involved and no serious financial issues. Your W is not only a serial cheater (first with you, then twice with her "co-worker") but she is utterly deceitful (from your first post: "I got suspicious and broke into her e-mail to find them planning how to communicate without me knowing").

As you said, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Well, shame on you if you don't realize that it is highly unlikely that you will ever to have a committed, trusting relationship with your W.

It's up to you to decide whether your W is the woman with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life. I believe you have all the information you need to make a decision and no one on this forum can tell you what is best for you.

Good luck.

Thank you. I think the hardest part is knowing what I "should" do and being brave enough to do it.

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remorseful strayer

· #18 · Nov 14, 2012

busta said:
Thank you. I think the hardest part is knowing what I "should" do and being brave enough to do it.

In my humble opinion, tough love is the best way to wake your wife up to the reality of her shortcomings.

My wife took me back after the first time she found out I was doing another women, and I think that is why I did it again.

Taking me back sent the wrong message. It said that my wife would take me back always, no matter what I did. She would just forgive and move on.

I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. I think a lot of humans are that way.

SweetAndSour

· #19 · Nov 14, 2012

busta said:
Thank you. I think the hardest part is knowing what I "should" do and being brave enough to do it.

She is a narcissist.

There is no cure. You run away as far as posible from her. If you choose to stay and try to change her, you need to educate yourself about" Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and keep your sanity by not falling victim to "Narcissistic Abuse" if you can. You may be brave enough to stay but experts say that your chances are next to nill.

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