Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi Everyone,

I'm new to the forum but have read a few threads before registering and have already picked up some solid advice but now need some advice please.

A bit of background about things first :-

I have been with my wife for 15 years and married for 8 years. We have two children, one is 3 and the other 6 years old.

I found out earlier this year that she had been having an affair with a male parent who has a child in my 6 year olds class. We had all been good friends for a couple of years, having meals, going out together etc.

I never even expected it to be him, although I had an idea that something was going on with someone as I found a message off a guy on her Facebook messages saying 'it was nice to have met him last night xxx' after a night out with a friend.
Because of this message, and the fact that she got a new phone and got me to do a backup of it, I decided to use some software to retrieve old messages off her phone and there it was, all the gory details about their ongoing affair. All 12 months of it. I was gutted.

The first thing I did was told my wife's mum as we have a good relationship. My wife then came home from work and we had it out, I made her phone him up and I told him to tell his wife by the morning or I would. So he did and I contacted her to confirm. Told him that if he even spoke to my wife or kids or even walked past my house, I would go nuclear on him. He agreed and basically said it wasn't all him. I just said yes it's a 50/50 thing, I realise that.

So most of hers and my friends know and we have been having MC which has now finished as we can't currently afford it.

The last 10 months or so have been so hard due to the situation and the school thing as she sees him there every day so I feel anxious constantly as I can never be certain that nothing is going on any more, although we have other parents at school (who don't know about the affair) who have noticed he doesn't go anywhere near my wife now and parks well away from her. I still feel that something could be going on but I have no proof at all and I'm fairly certain that it's over.

We have talked a few times about trust and the fact that she needs to earn it back but she says that the things I'm asking (Check phone records, Social Media etc) her to do, she doesn't want to and that there is no way to repair this. She does suffer with depression (confirmed by doc and low self esteem) and has gone very distant recently and started to blame the affair on me. I told her that the affair is 100% her and nothing to do with anything I have done.

She has also said she needs time to think about what she wants and whether she wants the marriage anymore. Said she does love me and I'm the best dad ever but needs the kids to not be in an atmosphere where we are constantly arguing about it.

So as a result I have been sofa surfing at friends houses for two months and it's killing me and making me so miserable.

After reading a few threads on here, I realise I have been doing everything opposite what is on the 180 U turn list and have decided that I now need to move on, one way or another.

Also, some threads on here that are similar to my own situation mention that I should tell her I want a divorce.

I'm confused though, do I do the 180 first and then the divorce talk or vice versa ?

I really do love her and want to try and repair our marriage but I also need her to be willing to work with me but at the moment she sees it as me taking away her rights to privacy by wanting full access to her digital life. I however, see it as a first step in rebuilding trust and if she can't agree to doing this for a short while that there is no use carrying on the marriage. However I do feel that I may possibly have left it too late.

I am also now willing to go down the divorce route as I can't live in limbo much longer. Things need to change.

I am kicking myself slightly, as I did a lot of stuff at the start (STD clinic, Counselling, talking to him- warning him to stay away etc, telling close friends and family), but now I sort of feel I have become needy of her and begging her etc which is only pushing her away further. She has even stopped putting kisses on text messages now and refuses to wear her rings. Something I am finding very hard, considering she puts at least one kiss on text messages to everyone else. I told her it's like she's trying to say something without talking really.

We have had a good Christmas with the kids and also had a good laugh together but intimacy is non existent from her. I have tried to be more distant too though so I'm not coming across as needy anymore.

I have tried to remain happy for the kids but now Christmas is out of the way, I need some direction as I don't want a repeat of 2016.

Help and advice will be much appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,096 Posts
If you read around here, you'll see some really sad betrayed husbands who just refuse to see the writing on the wall and continually beg their cheating wives to love them. These women can barely hide their disdain of these men and you kind of cringe when you read their posts.

Just the fact that YOU moved out already places all the power in her hands. Make me understand why SHE cheated on you, yet YOU'RE the one couch-surfing on friend's couches for 2 months because she doesn't want to 'argue' in front of the children? Seriously?

So, you can be like one of these pitiful men I mentioned - grateful for the random crumbs thrown to them by their cheating wives and desperately trying to make a 7-course meal out of them - or face the fact that you're dealing with a completely remorseless wife who has absolutely NO desire to fix what she broke.

Time to lawyer up and play hard ball.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,410 Posts
She cheated but you're the one leaving the house? That's absurd. She's the one that should have to leave. I would not be the least bit surprised if the affair is back on at least on some level. The fact that she's blaming you and has not fought to keep you in the house, tells me she's still pining for her MM.

If you take a look at the 1000s of threads from WW on LS who are spending all their emotional energy trying to find out why their MM didn't destroy his family to run off with them or if he will he call again. Many of these married mothers had a Dday, saw the devastation they caused the father of their children but it doesn't matter. Sounds like your wife is just like them. If this other guy were willing to blow up his family, she would have had not an ounce of doubt about making you a part time dad and doing the same.

Knowing this, you need to act accordingly. Fighting for a woman that clearly doesn't give a F if the father of her kids is sleeping on friends and families' couch is not smart. You started strong but fell into despair because you probably were not getting any remorse. You didn't get any remorse because she still wishes to be with this guy. Probably gave you cold duty sex because anything more would feel like cheating on who her real man is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,640 Posts
A full year's worth of doing "the horizontal bop" with the OM?

I think that you need to do yourself and your kids a favor and make up her mind for her in getting with a good piranha family attorney to bone you up on your custodial and property rights and to file the petition for divorce for you!

If you relent and take her back either conditionally or unconditionally, you'll absolutely have to grow eyes in the back of your head! Cutting the apron strings on her skanky a$$ would be the more sensible thing to do!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,345 Posts
Welcome to the forum sweetheart, and I'm so sorry for you and your babies why you find yourself here.

In addition to a year long hidden affair, she now won't wear her wedding rings, and won't give you access to her social media. She's done. I mean she may snap out of it at some point, but I doubt it. So you need to:

1. Move back in your home. Send her packing if she doesn't want any arguing in front of the kids, she's the cheater, not you.
2. File for divorce. You can always stop it at any time before it is finalized.
3. 180
4. DNA your kids.
5. Gather your evidence. Keep it in a safe place or two, especially if you are in an area where it will help you in divorce proceedings.
6. Continue to be a great dad, they need you.

I wish you the best, and that this can go as smoothly as possible.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
So sorry you're going thru this. I agree with spicy. Even if she turned completely around, you will never have what you had a year ago. ( there are few exceptions though rare). Now is the time to show your kids how a real man acts when adversity strikes. You pull yourself up and dust it off. You be the best father you can be, you don't let anyone walk over you. You be strong and resolute, and when the time is right you find a good women who treats you like you deserve to be treated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
914 Posts
Blue,

First, you have taken the first step in realizing that playing what is called tghe "pick me game" is not the answer to your questions or problems. That is the first step out of denial.

If you read ANYTHING , you will read that VERIFIABLE no contact is the first step, and you do not have that. So far, it looks like you told his wife, but you have no effort on her part to prove to you that this affair is not still ongoing other than she has told you that.

The second non negotiable requirement is total transparency which she should be offering instead of resisting. That is because she wants the ability to restart this affair or another one if she chooses to with you in the dark. No effort to rebuild trust.

You DO NOT need marriage therapy because there is nothing to save at this point and you cannot do it yourself. Instead of being remorseful, she is taking her rings off, denying you intimacy, and basically telling you to either take it or leave it, and so far you have eaten the crap. That has to stop.

She cheated. She needs to move out, and she cannot keep you out of the blouse. But until she actually believes her party is over and that she is not in control of the narrative, you are not going to have any chance to get any different responses from her.

You need to see an attorney and make this real for her. You can stop a divorce anytime you want to but you cannot reconcile a marriage by yourself. Taking her rings off means she does not consider herself married anymore, and if anyone took their rings off it should have been you. She will use that excuse that she does not want to be married anymore to cheat again. If you read as I indicated you will also read that if a WW refuses or resists the steps necessary to try to regain trust, the chances of a reconciliation are reduced dramatically.

Those are the facts. It is time for you to play hardball, and do not mistake this 180 stuff for what it is not. It is NOT designed or done to win her back. It is done for YOU to detach and end the relationship.

So far, there is no freason for her to do anhything she does not want to because there are no consequences for her. You are still begging and she is doing what she wants to.

Now I may have missed it, but are you still in contact with the wife of OM???? Are they still together????

And lastly, stop talking to the OM. He gives not a **** about you, is not going to be totally honest with you, and probably is still in contact with your wife getting their stories straight. Your problem is her, not him.

You realizing that the actions you have taken are counterproductive but not uncommon. Time to totally reverse course.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
1. Get back in the house. TODAY. Sleep in separate bedrooms, but get back in the house. You've established a precedent (being out of but likely still paying for your house) and you need to dismantle it.

2. Hire the best divorce attorney in your area.

3. File for divorce.

4. Read up on and implement the 180 -- do it not to bring your WW back to you and your marriage but rather to detach from her.

5. DNA the kids -- BOTH of them.

6. Back up any and all evidence of the affair. Keep it in 2 different Cloud-based locations.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,574 Posts
As long as you do not chose a direction you will live in a state of hopeless limbo. Your only choice of direction is divorce, on your terms.

How can you be a father living at someone else's house. Move back home. Why did you leave and not her?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,837 Posts
BlueForever,

I don't see how you can recover with your WW seeing the OM as often as she does.

You need to go on the offensive with the OM, gather together a list of all is friends, family, business associates, facebook, linkedin, chruch etc and send them all an exposure message about the affair.

Also get a polygraph for your WW.

Tamat
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,292 Posts
She has also said she needs time to think about what she wants and whether she wants the marriage anymore.
I really do love her and want to try and repair our marriage but I also need her to be willing to work with me but at the moment she sees it as me taking away her rights to privacy by wanting full access to her digital life.
This is ALL you needed to post. Honestly, it says EVERYTHING about your situation.

She's not in love with you anymore. She wants out of this relationship. She's completely checked out from you.

LISTEN CAREFULLY: The only reason she's still "in the picture" is because YOU WON'T LET HER GO.

You love her, you still see her as the girl you married. THAT WOMAN IS DEAD. She WILL NOT come back.

You only have one option here. DIVORCE HER. You CAN NOT force her to "check in". It is IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm sorry pal, you want to unbreak an egg. You can't put humpty dumpty back together. Time to clean up the mess.

You handled breaking up the affair masterfully by calling the POS's wife. Now you need to FINISH THE JOB.

The BEST THING you can do for yourself is FIND SOMEONE who will love you for YOU. I swear she's out there.

Don't cling onto someone who would rather be somewhere else. That's not a marriage, that's a NIGHTMARE.

I hope you take this advice. It's 100% dead on. Sorry pal, I was in your shoes once. I speak from experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,824 Posts
I think you started off pretty well all things considered, especially with exposure.

But things went down hill pretty quickly. I won't belabor the point, but move back into the house ASAP.

What sticks out to me, after an affair, giving your spouse carte blanche access to social media, cell phones etc are givens. The fact that she refused these no brainers tells me that she isn't the least bit remorseful -- beyond getting caught -- and has elected to take her affair further underground.

Get back in the house, file for divorce. Be a good dad. Sorry you are in this situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,912 Posts
SHE DOESN"T KNOW IF SHE WANTS TO STAY MARRIED....really really you that should be your line not hers...bull crap...Blue you did every thing right but to that point you shoudl say to her that exactly to her face...that is your line she she be on her knees begging for you to stay...and tell her to get a job because you are not support her ass. GET MAD BlUE...you are not plan b don't act like you are....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,724 Posts
You cannot control your wife. All you can control is yourself.

If she has an affair, and yet shows no remorse, but instead resents any imposition on the freedom she has abused, is now talking about ending the marriage and has kicked you out, there is not a lot positive to see there. It hurts, I know, but it is what it is.

My first advice would be to talk to a lawyer and understand your position, because like it or not there are all sorts of legal and financial implications to your situation, and you need to do what you can to protect your interests and those of your children. If she is lining her ducks up and you are not, it could be to your disadvantage.

My next advice would be to think about your personal boundaries. What sort of things do you need to see to believe she is working on the marriage? Are you seeing them now? (im guessing the answer is no). If not, how long are you prepared to wait? On the other hand, what things would make you file for divorce? If you found the affair was still ongoing, for example?

Right now, she has you out of the house, giving her a lot more freedom. If she is going to see other men, it's now easier. She still (presumably) is leaning on your financial resources, and maybe you are still doing things for her to win her affection. If this is so, maybe she's manipulating things consciously to get a sweet deal for herself, or maybe she is genuinely torn and indecisive, but either way, you eventually need to bring things to a head and make a decision. The current limbo is unsustainable. It's not fair on you or the kids.

I'm not suggesting you pick a fight, or set the dogs on her legally. I am suggesting you take control, and set a timeframe for resolution, one way or the other, I'm also suggesting you get clear in your head about the conditions under which you will stay or leave. It hurts, but that's all the more reason to try and think clearly, so you can control your emotions as much as possible.

I reconciled with my wife after her affair, and the hardest thing is to rebuild trust. She had broken it, and she needed to do things differently to earn it back. It took years. Your wife is not even starting the journey. That doesn't mean all is hopeless, but it is certainly cause for concern.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,755 Posts
Get the hell back into your house! File for divorce, NOW. Why the hell are you giving the cheater the control here?? Take it back! She is unwilling to do the very necessary heavy lifting to fix this, even tells you she ISNT SURE what she wants, and you let her stay in your house?? NOPE. Get back there NOW and make this decision for you both.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
193 Posts
Move back in ASAP, as others have said.

You will not truly be able to put this behind you.

Time to grow a pair and Lawyer up, Divorce her ass ASAP. She's walking all over you by you being understanding and even considering taking her back.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,345 Posts
The marriage was over when she cheated. You have to start over. Divorce is the way to do it. You get to date others, she gets to date others. Maybe someday you'll date her again and remarry her. I doubt it, but that's how it works. It sucks for the kids and your finances. The blame rests on her only. You tell the kids the truth. You tell everyone. She gets to carry the blame for destroying your marriage.

Good luck. I hope you 2017 is a better year for you. Just imagine all of the new women you'll be meeting in the upcoming months. Time to get in the best shape of your life. Focus on you and your kids. That means focus on your health and finances. There are some amazing single women out there and you'll feel like you're in college again. It does get better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
322 Posts
OP do yourself a big favor and listen to everyone's advice and please don't second guess everybody here is been through what you've been through are still going through it. And what made you move out of house.? Get back in your house get her out but legally you can't get her out, you can ask her to leave. To the the judge that you will be in front of heading your case he could interpret you leaving your house as abandonment. Thus granting her full custody.!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,410 Posts
You need to get back in the house. Doesn't mean you should try to R but you need to get in your house. I'm guessing this affair is back on. They just took it deeper undercover.

If you're hoping to salvage this marriage, not that I think you should try, but if that is your hope, you really have to be willing to throw it all away. You jolted her in the beginning but were lulled to sleep so they probably started again. She will NEVER want to R if she's still in contact with this guy.

When she takes her ring off and tells you she wants out, that's because she has 0 feelings for you. I know that hurts but you have to face reality. Now when you get back in the house, you need to immediately file for D. You're probably going to have to sleep on couch but at least it's your couch. It should have been her sleeping on couch and you in the master because she was the one who sullied herself.
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top