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Need some help here. I have been with my wife for almost 10 years and married for 5 years, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 year old). 2 Months ago I found out she has been having an affair for the last year with one of her coworkers that is also married and has 2 kids. I imediatly blew up and said a few things in the heat of the moment (I want a divorce, i want her out of the house, the kids are staying with me, etc.) She immediately blew up back telling me that if we get a divorce she will get the kids, spousal support, and the house because the courts favor mothers. Anyways, I immediately made her block the OM from her phone, social media, etc but I know she has contacted him and have called her out on it everytime that I found out. I caught her twice driving and waiting at the OM kids school to see him. I also found out that she created another FB profile so that she could contact him. She tells me she will not delete that account since it is like an "online diary" , bull****. The first month after finding out we were overall civil around each other with the occasional outburst, but since I fould out that she went to see him that second time and has that profile where she contacts him I have been trying the 180. I am going out with friend more often, working out and trying to overall work on myself and my children. I recommended MC to try to see what we can do because I want to try to reconcile because I do love her and I do not want my kids to go through a divorce because we are real good coparents. I have not told anybody about the affair because I do not want anybody to think negative about her if we do work this out. The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out. So i am just in a holding pattern while she trys to figure her crap out and it frustrates the hell out of me. I just want a decision one way or the other. I told her I am not moving out because i love my kids to much not to see them everyday and my wife is to unstable right now in my opinion to handle it by herself. She has always had issues with depression and anxiety and she has some health issues currently that applify these. I found out today that she had a consultation with a lawyer and I got upset. She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing. I let her know that that is not my goal in all of this. She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants, whatever that means. I have work my ass off at work and at home and always have and have always let her do what she wanted, looking back on this I should have been more restrictive with a few things because she has always been irresponsible financially and it has been a bid issue for us. I know I have not been the best husband, I am so focused on my career and I could have paid more attention to her but I would always tell her that I loved her and appreciated her. One of the things that frustrates me most is that the OM is a loser, in my opinion. He did quit his job because of this ordeal and my wife tells me that he came clean to his wife and they are moving out of the state back to where he is originally from, I don't know how much I believe but I do know he quit his job and has been unemployed for a few months and they just put their house up for sale. But the quy is 10 years older than my wife, sloppy looking, has nothing, and from the emails I found he is a jealous and possessive a$$hole. During an argumen(pre 180)t i told my wife that her relationship with this coward was a fantasy and she just got more pissed and disagreed and said I don't know what they had. Our MC said the same thing about this being a fantasy and she just said that neither of us know what they had. Overall, I want to try to reconcile this marriage but I am lost about how to go about it or am I just wasting my time. I still have tons of love for her and I love my kids more than anything and I do not want to put them through this. Advice? On top of it since I have been trying the 180 for the last few weeks she is getting mad at me telling me that I am sneaking around.
 

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DNA your kids

File for a D

If you love your kids do the above 2 a.s.a.p. (staying for the kids sake I.M.O. is the most selfish thing a person can do)

Do you know for sure the OMs wife was informed or did your WW tell you ?

Go hard at the 180

If she starts to fight for you the D it can be stopped at any time and will also give you time to regroup your thinking
 

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OP,
Your W lacks the necessary mental capacity to realize what she has done/is doing. Therefore, if you wish to have any chance of salvaging this marriage she must be awakened from her fantasy. You do not know what they had but I do. They had an inconsiderate, ill thought out, selfish, dishonorable tryst wherein two families now stand to be destroyed. What does she think it was? Any answer involving love, commitment and any other serious considerations simply serves to prove that she is too mentally underdeveloped to understand.

So, really what options do you have? I would expose to everyone, save the children at this time and make her explain herself to her family, friends and whomever else. Then I would tell her that she does not get to call any shots presently and that since she is showing no remorse or contrition that you have decided to D and find someone who will love you and be faithful. In order for this to have a chance however, you need to be prepared to follow through. If she snaps out of her fairy tale mindset and sees what she is about to lose then you can stop the process and attempt R. If she does not, then any R attempt would be destined to fail since she would not be all in for it.

I regret having to say this but if she is unsure whether she wants to work on the marriage or not is a bad indicator. Bringing her to that point, if she is not arriving there on her own, is almost, if not completely, impossible. Even counseling will not be effective unless she wants it to work and it does not appear she does. I wish you strength and good fortune.
 

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THE 180


So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.



2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
 

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You can't believe a word she's saying. Cheaters lie, For a year she's been living a double life. Betraying you and the kids. I mean she started banging a married father when she herself had a 1 year old at home. Talk about evil.

Woman who do that are neglectful toward their kids. So much emotional energy goes to affair partner, that she has nothing left for kids let alone the husband.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR HER WH0RING. It ridiculous how many BH come here blaming the fact that they're busting their asses providing a good life for their family. STOP IT.

I know you don't want to divorce but you have to be willing to destroy the marriage if even want a chace to save it. The course you're on leads to a one-way open marriage. Read the threads. You'll see many husbands with similar stories displaying weakness and taking divorce off the table. The WWs tear those guys apart. The husbands that go Shock and Awe from a strong frame, have remorseful wives that quickly come out of the fog.

Do the following TODAY:
1. complete 180 (help you detach, you're being too needy now)
2. file d ( you can stop process later)
3. expose to her family, friends. ( she needs shame & consequences)
4. expose POS to his wife. (her wrath will have him throw your wife under the bus)
5. kick her out of marital bed. (let her sleep on couch)
6. separate the finances (no wh0ring on your dime)
7. work on yourself (gym, clothes, hair, hygiene, etc)
 

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You need to knock her out of the fog and keep things moving. In order to save the marriage you need to be willing to lose the marriage.

You NEED to:
  1. Consult with a lawyer and have divorce papers written up. The divorce can be "recalled" at any time. the primary purpose here is to force her into a decision. YOU CANNOT REMAIN IN INFIDELITY FOR ONE DAMN SECOND LONGER.
  2. The #2 thing that BURNS AFFAIRS TO THE GROUND is exposure. Her boyfriends wife knows she says? Well guess what. The instant you read this message your NUMBER ONE GOAL IN LIFE is to confirm this with the wife yourself, on the phone and AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. She may not know about the continued contact, even if your wife was initially telling the truth.
  3. You need to start a journal. Make it here, a notebook or a file on your computer. Whatever. There will be a time when you need to maintain a level focus and this is the only way that you'll be able to keep yourself honest.
There are other items but those are the important one. Remember, you are in shock right now so the ENTIRE purpose of these initial stages is to get you out of them, and to get out of them you need to come from a level of empowerment. You get empowered by doing things that make a difference and by deciding that this is your world, nobody else can shape it but you. The action also keeps you busy, dwelling on stuff is easy at this stage. Pity Parties can wait.

YOU MUST SPEAK TO THE OTHER WIFE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND NO WAY IN HELL CAN YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS.
"My name is XXXX and I am the husband of the wife that your husband is having an affair with" is ALL You need to say.
 

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She does not seem to be showing any remorse for her actions, and until she does there will not be any hope in moving on. She seems to think they had something really special (yuck).

You are not going to get much out of her, until she can show she is remorseful, until then I would not believe anything she says or does. Sounds like she went to a lawyer to cover her *ss if I was you I would have already been in a lawyer's office. With you wanting to keep this a big secret from family and friends you are not going to be able to out the affair, which is something that is helpful to lead her to remorse, and give you support from people who know you.

She is only caring about herself, I bet she did not even give the full truth to the lawyer she spoke with. Do not let her worry you with alimony etc not all married couples have to pay that after divorce it depends on the state etc.
 

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Here is the simple answer that you are wanting to avoid at all costs.

DIVORCE your wife.

You don't want to. You will try to be nice, have sex with her, spend money on her, and everything else you can think of to make her want you. And the result is that it will repulse her and you will be wondering what the **** is causing a response like this after being treated like a Queen.

You will try to go to counseling(you already are...)

She will give you mixed signals, mind-f*** you, etcetera, until you think it's all YOUR fault. You'll believe it.

Believe nothing she says, good or bad. It's all lies.

The truth: she no longer cares about you and you will not even recognize her as the person you once knew, she will take your money and your kids, and will drop you like a ton of bricks, and YOU will still have her on a pedestal and wonder why you screwed up and treated her so badly that she had to fall in love with another man.

Some wackos on here will tell you to work on yourself and you can attract her back to you. It's all bs. She is gone. She ain't coming back and if she does, it will be after she has hit rock bottom.

What to do?
Get a lawyer, get her gone and divorced as soon as possible. It will cost you. There's no way around it. Try to get 50/50 custody.
Force yourself to not backslide. You will be like a crack addict wanting to talk to her and straighten it all out. Don't!!!

As soon as you can, start exercicing and practice focusing on anything but her.

I am so sorry. I wish there was a solution. I know you are hurting. But divorce her and never look back. Once this sh** starts, it will not get better.

Read "my wife thinks she's in love w a coworker". It's long but may be helpful to see how these things progress. All of your emotions will cause you to so the opposite of what you need.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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Need some help here.

I have been with my wife for almost 10 years and married for 5 years, we have 2 kids (2 and 4 year old).

2 Months ago I found out she has been having an affair for the last year with one of her coworkers that is also married and has 2 kids.

I imediatly blew up and said a few things in the heat of the moment (I want a divorce, i want her out of the house, the kids are staying with me, etc.)

She immediately blew up back telling me that if we get a divorce she will get the kids, spousal support, and the house because the courts favor mothers.

Anyways, I immediately made her block the OM from her phone, social media, etc but I know she has contacted him and have called her out on it everytime that I found out.

I caught her twice driving and waiting at the OM kids school to see him.

I also found out that she created another FB profile so that she could contact him.

She tells me she will not delete that account since it is like an "online diary" , bull****.

The first month after finding out we were overall civil around each other with the occasional outburst, but since I fould out that she went to see him that second time and has that profile where she contacts him I have been trying the 180.

I am going out with friend more often, working out and trying to overall work on myself and my children.

I recommended MC to try to see what we can do because I want to try to reconcile because I do love her and I do not want my kids to go through a divorce because we are real good coparents.

I have not told anybody about the affair because I do not want anybody to think negative about her if we do work this out. The MC is in the discernment stage because she does not know if she wants to work things out.

So i am just in a holding pattern while she trys to figure her crap out and it frustrates the hell out of me.

I just want a decision one way or the other. I told her I am not moving out because i love my kids to much not to see them everyday and my wife is to unstable right now in my opinion to handle it by herself.

She has always had issues with depression and anxiety and she has some health issues currently that applify these. I found out today that she had a consultation with a lawyer and I got upset.

She told me that she had to go see a lawyer because she wants to make sure that she is protected and that she wanted to know what could happen if we get a divorce because she is affraid that I am going to take the kids and everything and she will have nothing.

I let her know that that is not my goal in all of this. She tells me that she loves/loved me but it is not the kind of love she wants, whatever that means.

I have work my ass off at work and at home and always have and have always let her do what she wanted, looking back on this I should have been more restrictive with a few things because she has always been irresponsible financially and it has been a bid issue for us.

I know I have not been the best husband, I am so focused on my career and I could have paid more attention to her but I would always tell her that I loved her and appreciated her.

One of the things that frustrates me most is that the OM is a loser, in my opinion. He did quit his job because of this ordeal and my wife tells me that he came clean to his wife and they are moving out of the state back to where he is originally from, I don't know how much I believe but I do know he quit his job and has been unemployed for a few months and they just put their house up for sale.

But the quy is 10 years older than my wife, sloppy looking, has nothing, and from the emails I found he is a jealous and possessive a$$hole.

During an argumen(pre 180)t i told my wife that her relationship with this coward was a fantasy and she just got more pissed and disagreed and said I don't know what they had.

Our MC said the same thing about this being a fantasy and she just said that neither of us know what they had. Overall, I want to try to reconcile this marriage but I am lost about how to go about it or am I just wasting my time.

I still have tons of love for her and I love my kids more than anything and I do not want to put them through this. Advice? On top of it since I have been trying the 180 for the last few weeks she is getting mad at me telling me that I am sneaking around.
Fixed your formating problem. I could see where you had tried to place the paragraph breaks. ;)

Anyways... Sorry you had to look for us, but glad you found us.

Firstly, get checked for STDs.

Then demand that you have DNA tests on the children. This is not necessarily to establish fatherhood of the children (but that can sometimes happen) in this context it is to send a very important message to your wife: "Wife, by your actions you have forced me to, unwillingly, question every aspect of our relationship from day 1.

"I can no longer trust anything you ever said or did throughout our time together. If you want me to trust you again, you are going to have to try damned hard!"

Then ask her this question: "You cheating on me is bad enough. But how can you justify cheating on your own children, of potentially cheating them out of a loving family?"
 

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She's way too far gone to reconcile with. I was in a similar situation, and my WW actually wanted to try and fix the marriage and definitely didn't want divorce. But I filed after 12 excruciating months of disappointment. I wish I had done it immediately. You'll regret the lost time if you don't make that decision now.

My marriage counselor said something I will never forget.

"Once a woman's light shuts off for you, rarely does it ever turn back on again."
 

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Stop playing into her hand. First thing is to let everyone know about the affair. If she gets pissed then it's her own fault. Second, open your own bank accounts and credit cards. You said she's bad with finances so why let her wreck any more of it.

Throw her ass out of the bedroom. Let her know that she can either sleep on the couch, spare room or at the OM's house.

Get a lawyer and cover yourself because your going to need it. She already told you that in her mind your going to be paying out of the nose so you need legal advice.

Call the OM wife and let her know that you know and compare notes with her. She might know things you don't.

Last, stop playing games with your wife. Put the ball in her court and let her be the one to carry her own dirty laundry around her neck. This is not the time to play nice. She already took the gloves off and you better PDQ or you lose.
 

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Full exposure will probably stop the affair. The longer it lasts the worse for you.

They are going to destroy your life, family and future. They do not care about what happens to you at this moment.

You'd better get strong right now and take control of the situation. What are you afraid of???

Being nice and keeping quiet will work well for your wife and the other man. Not so much for you.

Wake up and get moving. Setting around waiting for her to make up her mind???? Cmon man!!! Get your respect back!
 

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If you haven't figured this out. Cheaters lie, hide and deny. A lot.

I'd bet his wife does not know.

You can not trust anything that comes out of her mouth at this point.

It's the same every time we see this.

It's done to keep you quiet. So far it seems like it's working well for her.
 
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