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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife had an abortion about 5 years ago.We did it basically because we didn't want the financial burden of having child.We were both in agreement about it.We've had her sisters 6 week old daughter for a few days and her sister is in a tight situation.I won't get into specifics right now.But my wife is talking about legally adopting her child.I get the feeling from our conversations that she is considering this out of guilt about the abortion.I have guilt about it from time to time as well...My wife and I 's financial situation isn't a whole lot better than it was at the time of the abortion....Personally I'm against it...Right now,we're working our way through our first "rough patch"of our marriage and I don't know if raising this child together would perhaps bond us closer or pull us father apart..I'm worried the baby may get in the way..I don't want to be an a$$hole about it...I'm really leaning towards telling my wife flat out that we can't adopt her,but she really wants to.I'm worried this could get her further upset with me...Not a good situation here...Again,I believe she feels guilty about the abortion wants a "second chance",so to speak.Any women on here have had abortions?If so was there any guilt?
 

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My wife had an abortion about 5 years ago.We did it basically because we didn't want the financial burden of having child.We were both in agreement about it.We've had her sisters 6 week old daughter for a few days and her sister is in a tight situation.I won't get into specifics right now.But my wife is talking about legally adopting her child.I get the feeling from our conversations that she is considering this out of guilt about the abortion.I have guilt about it from time to time as well...My wife and I 's financial situation isn't a whole lot better than it was at the time of the abortion....Personally I'm against it...Right now,we're working our way through our first "rough patch"of our marriage and I don't know if raising this child together would perhaps bond us closer or pull us father apart..I'm worried the baby may get in the way..I don't want to be an a$$hole about it...I'm really leaning to wards telling my wife flat out that we can't adopt her,but she really wants to.I'm worried this could get her further upset with me...Not a good situation here...Again,I believe she feels guilty about the abortion wants a "second chance",so to speak.Any women on here have had abortions?If so was there any guilt?
Well I'm not a woman but what I can tell you is that adopting this child will not bring you closer. It will add to the issues and make the entire situation even more chaotic. If you aren't behind this 100% you will not accept the child and that will drive you and your wife further apart. And if your wife is having guilt over the abortion she should work that out in counseling rather than use someone else's life as a panacea.
 

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I concur with B.. Kids are a huge stresser of relationships... If both party aren't on the same page about it then it definitly has the potential to create more problems..
 

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Jack, OK, listen. You are having marital troubles. You don't get what is so special about babies. You keep asking, or at least harping on, the same question over and over again. Your MIL just moved in with you. What, pray tell, are you thinking regarding possibly adopting a child when you have all this upheaval in your life as it is??? Your wife just lost a lot of weight after surgery. You are trying to get to know each other again. Again, I ask... how can you think a baby will help this situation? You really need to sit down and lay it all out on the table.
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Honestly, you seem to post more threads here than have honest, open communication with your wife. And then the advice you get here only seems to go in one ear and out the other.

Talk to your wife. Explain how you feel. Then, let her talk to you and explain how she feels. Don't judge, don't condemn. Speak respectfully.
 

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If it was my brother's kid I would take them in and care for them if he was in a jam of some sorts. But I would not adopt them.

What happens if your wife's sister wants the kid back? And if your wife gets attached to the child, that could turn into one big ugly court battle that will just destroy not only your family but hers also.

The only reason I would adopt would be if something happened to my brother and his wife.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Jack, OK, listen. You are having marital troubles. You don't get what is so special about babies. You keep asking, or at least harping on, the same question over and over again. Your MIL just moved in with you. What, pray tell, are you thinking regarding possibly adopting a child when you have all this upheaval in your life as it is??? Your wife just lost a lot of weight after surgery. You are trying to get to know each other again. Again, I ask... how can you think a baby will help this situation? You really need to sit down and lay it all out on the table.
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I guess my inexperience with raising kids led me to believe that perhaps when a couple raises a child that could bond them closer....I didn't think so, I just thought perhaps...My wife and I have been making progress in our rough patch,so I was a little afraid that turning her down as far as adopting the kid would get her disappointed with me and pull us further apart.....Anyway,I told her today we couldn't adopt the kid....She didn't seem all that disappointed....The kid may end up in foster care which I don't want because I grew up in foster care and I know firsthand that people adopt kids for the wrong reasons.I had to think of our situation and put it above her sister's kid so.........
 

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I guess my inexperience with raising kids led me to believe that perhaps when a couple raises a child that could bond them closer....I didn't think so, I just thought perhaps...My wife and I have been making progress in our rough patch,so I was a little afraid that turning her down as far as adopting the kid would get her disappointed with me and pull us further apart.....Anyway,I told her today we couldn't adopt the kid....She didn't seem all that disappointed....The kid may end up in foster care which I don't want because I grew up in foster care and I know firsthand that people adopt kids for the wrong reasons.I had to think of our situation and put it above her sister's kid so.........
Can't you just have the kid stay with you guys if necessary for a while rather than rushing forward with a legal adoption. That said, I don't think you need any more chaos in your life at this time.
 

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Is there a chance the child will go into care if you do not adopt it?
I'm not going to advise you on what to do here but I know I could NEVER let that happen to my niece or nephew.
Money? If we had waited until we had enough of that we would never have had any! How much is enough anyway?
Maybe you could just foster the child until SIL is in a better situation and able to look after the little one herself.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Is there a chance the child will go into care if you do not adopt it?

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Yes.There is a strong possibility....And like I was saying,I already told my wife we couldn't do it.....We are going to have the kid for perhaps a few more days....Sister-in-law is in no position to take care of the kid,and probably won't be for some time.
 

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If my husband was prepared to let my niece or nephew go into foster care rather than help me care for him or her I would divorce him immediately. You should be ashamed of yourself.
 

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If my husband was prepared to let my niece or nephew go into foster care rather than help me care for him or her I would divorce him immediately. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Anyone who thinks their primary obligation is to their extended family and not their immediate family should be ashamed of themselves and I would divorce them immediately.....

Really?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Anyone who thinks their primary obligation is to their extended family and not their immediate family should be ashamed of themselves and I would divorce them immediately.....

Really?
Thats pretty much it.I had to put our situation above my sister-in-laws kid's situation.It sucks,but hey,you have to think about yourself sometimes.
 

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I hope everything works out well for you and your wife and the baby.

I know this does not help you, but I'm so glad you posted this! I'm not going to hijack your thread, I'll start my own, but I just wanted to wish you well and thank you.
 

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Yes, I would absolutely value protecting a six week old baby over an adult's convenience or comfort.
So, how many children have you adopted? and I hope you are volunteering at the children's hospital everyday and I sincerely hope you are sending all your Money to the Children's miracle network.

I believe the ethical response is well described in the deontologic ethics of Immanuel Kant who makes it clear that we owe special duties to our spouses, among others. If you believe the OP first duty is to a child that is not his own over his immediate family, I will have to disagree with you. But I wonder if the actions of your life match your pronouncements.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I hope everything works out well for you and your wife and the baby.

I know this does not help you, but I'm so glad you posted this! I'm not going to hijack your thread, I'll start my own, but I just wanted to wish you well and thank you.
Where's your thread?
 
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