Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
61 - 80 of 108 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
I'm not trying to rub salt into the wound, but this wasn't a one off things went too far event. It was 3 years of deliberate, planned betrayal by your wife.

What do you think the ratio of sex times during that 3 years was of you-her compared to him-her? 1:1? 1:2 ?

What about romantic effort and planning? With her, you were no doubt the one putting in the effort to be with her. Mean while, she's putting her efforts into him, pleasing him, keeping him wanting her. You're chasing her, while she's chasing him.

Think back to times when she was feeling off or down and you tried to comfort her and make her happy. How many of those times were because she was feeling upset at him and her relationship with him? How many times did you unknowingly go out of your way to make her feel better and get over a spat with him?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
Here is how I think it is currently playing out and what may be coming.

1. You caught them, and your wife is currently in panic mode.

2. Your wife is fearful that you will expose her.

3. your wife is fearful for the OM. This is why she is cooperating right now with you. She is fearful that you will send blow back to him and she blames herself for this. She fears he will hate her, she fears he will suffer, and because it was her husband that caught him, and will be doing these things, she is feeling protective and responsible.

4. she is trying to cool you down so you won't expose the OM to his wife.

5. she is trying to give her and the OM time to see how far you are going to go, espeically how far you are going to go after the OM.

6. The OM or her will soon be fishing to see how the other is doing in all of this. Likely the OM asking her if she is alright, if you've hurt her. What do you know.

7. She and the OM will try to keep their communication secret.

8. they will try to meet up.

9. you need to act.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
412 Posts
What is it about this women that makes you love her so much????? It must be sooo profound that your willing to overlook her cheating before and during the entire marriage.

Is she the last women on earth who will be with you? Self Esteem issues?
You are in the fog and need to realize your playing yourself as a fool/setting yourself up for failure. You cannot trust this women or anything she says.
-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back

-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back

-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back

-She had a systematic 3 year affair with your exbf literally right behind your back



EXPOSE THE AFFAIR!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,176 Posts
Read as many thread you need, specially the one with a huge number of pages.

Beyond agreeeing and following your conditions to a T tell her it's up to her to fix what it's broken, tell her to seek advice; there are books, counselors, forums... the ball is in her court. You can't afford to spend more energies beyond healing from this trauma. Tell her that's all you will do for now, to heal and to watch her from afar to see if you can stay remain married to her. She's the one to prove you staying is worth the pain.

On her back put in place the snooping tools before exposure to BW and please don't warn your wife about it, monitore the aftermath.
Also talk to a lawyer, find out where you stands financially, custody wise if things go south.

Taylor the 180 to your adventage, pout focus in healing and self improvement.
The Healing Heart: The 180
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
No More Mr Nice Guy
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Sample No Contact Letters.
Joseph's Letter
:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I suggest that Jas also read Almostrecovered's story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html

to learn what successful reconciliation involves, and read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay and check out his blog:

Blog | Married Man Sex Life
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Did she answer these:
Why it started

Why it continued

How long would it have continued if not caught

How she viewed you and your role during the last 3 years

Who else knew or supported

There's a lot to discover if you even want to consider a successful reconciliation. Anything else is doomed - and she doomed it not you.

BTW - ask those questions and ask them repeatedly. See if the answer change. I don't like that she said "No" initially. Ask her how many times she said that word to your BF.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,655 Posts
I sat her down yesterday and went through the above. At first she said no. Why would I want to hear everything when I had said I didn't want to a few days ago? I told her I needed to know everything if there was to be any hope that we could save our marriage. She then said ok if that's what is needed and went upstairs.

She came back after an hour and I got a detailed account over 4 hours. I could ask what I wanted and I left no stone unturned. From start to middle to finish to what they did, where, when, how....... with the detail and how the conversation went and how I would go back over something 5 and 6 times, I know she has told me pretty exactly what went on. If she was lying then there were a few things that there is no way she would have told me. Not just the sex but little things that hurt just as much as the big stuff.

So now I know....I now need to think long and hard about what happens next.
Make sure you expose to everyone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,732 Posts
You havent had a real marriage in 3 years!

You havent had an honest reationship with her in 3 years.

Infidelity changes people.

You dont even know what it would be like to live with her in an exclusive marriage anymore.


If the two of you were divorced today and met up would she even date you or marry you?

I'm sure she would say yes to save the marriage, but what would really happen?

Do you think she will respect you more for staying with her, or leaving her?

She has shone enormous disrespect for you, woman are not attracted to men they dont respect.

Why do you think she wants to stay with you?
Because she loves and respects you?

Will she cheat again? It is a well established habbit.

Tell her if you stay together, you will have a free pass for 3 years for your turn with an open marriage, see what she says.

If you split up you can always date her, and see where it goes, then you will know you are more than plan b.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
Here is how I think it is currently playing out and what may be coming.

1. You caught them, and your wife is currently in panic mode.

2. Your wife is fearful that you will expose her.

3. your wife is fearful for the OM. This is why she is cooperating right now with you. She is fearful that you will send blow back to him and she blames herself for this. She fears he will hate her, she fears he will suffer, and because it was her husband that caught him, and will be doing these things, she is feeling protective and responsible.

4. she is trying to cool you down so you won't expose the OM to his wife.

5. she is trying to give her and the OM time to see how far you are going to go, espeically how far you are going to go after the OM.

6. The OM or her will soon be fishing to see how the other is doing in all of this. Likely the OM asking her if she is alright, if you've hurt her. What do you know.

7. She and the OM will try to keep their communication secret.

8. they will try to meet up.

9. you need to act.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Read this again and again then act, dont sit passively on it thinking the pain will go away.

Expose to Every one, Your wife or BF docent deserve any empathy considering the humiliation they have done to you. Do it as a revenge, if you feel so. Why you want to protect someone who treated you less than a man, less than a dog, less than a human being.

Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same (but do you need that If you are going to run to the mountains?) But make her do that so she feels you are not going to eat the sh!t she served you.

Run to the lawyer then. Arrange your ducks in a row.

Its not the time to act like a cuckold nice husband but time to act like a real man.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
987 Posts
I think he already ran for the hills!:(


We cant change his fate. We can only advise him about the right and wrong things to do at this time, as we have already gone through this sh!t in our own life but he is the person to select its his life his decision.

He has to decide whether to live his life as a cuckold best husband or as a man with self respect with some one who truly deserve his love and affection.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
152 Posts
You were played for years by both 'your wife' and your 'bf'. She was more 'his wife' than yours. After three years of sleeping with someone, I would say they had a serious relationship going. Three years of you sleeping with her and your 'bf'. Because let's face it, one day she was with him, then the next day with you, or maybe even on the same day. She's vicious. She's a vulture that preyed on your goodwill, kindness, and your trust for her. She used everything good about you, to use you. So did your former friend. They are no different from one another. One has a vagina, the other one doesn't. That's it.
She wants to reconcile? Now? After three years? How many chances didn't she have to stop this at anytime, come out with the truth and work on your marriage?
She conveniently wants to 'work' on it. And by it, I mean her image, what may be said to people about what she did, etc. Not on your marriage. She's looking to cover her own ass.
3 years is not a mistake, how many times did they have sex in 3 years??
Let them have each other, kick her to the curb, and expose them in the worst way possible.
It's so easy for her, if now that they've been caught, she points the finger at him, right? You have other friends right? They're not off the table, this woman will sleep with anyone.
Why do you think you can't do better?
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. WHAT THEY DID TO YOU DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. MOVE ON, AND START OVER. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL TRULY LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, AND YOU DESERVE A GREAT PERSON.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,577 Posts
Take your time and make no decisions that effect your marriage until you are ready. Many marriages recover from infidelity including those that have affairs spanning many years.

As advised expose the affair to the OM's wife, include his parents and siblings in the exposure . This bypasses the potential that his wife may rug-sweep.

Do read the newbie thread and put into place the NC letters and permanent no contact. All the steps mentioned are to help ensure the affair is adversely affected and to help you . Go see a doctor, explain what has happened , your going to go on an emotional roller coaster and will need help.

Any items in your home that serve as a trigger need to be removed , including much of her clothing, initially replacement clothing for her is from a Walmart or similar type store not an expensive clothing boutique . Your wife should willingly help you and be doing everything to evidence she is a changed person. A warning ; do not ever let your wife blame-shift and imply in any way that you are responsible . Issues in your marriage would have been exacerbated by her adultery.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Discussion Starter #76
Still reading, thanks for the comments.

Only update is that he text her on Saturday morning "Hi". She rang me at work to say he had done this. He then text again "are u ok" on Saturday night and again she showed me when it came in. I rang him today, he took my call where I Just abused him for a few minutes before I hung up. Obv no bother to him. I fully see he is not going to go away.

I will expose him to his wife on either Wed Jan 9th or Thur Jan 10th. I could do this tomorrow but It needs to be then. He will be at work, kids are back at school (back Mon 7th) and as far as I know his wife works Mon and Tue so will be home alone.

I also have something else in the bag which will also happen that day. I will leave it at that but his wife finding out may not cause him as much grief as this will. I will give full details once done.

Deal breaker. It already happened and I'm still here so no i dont know what it is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
215 Posts
You can do this. You are prove you are a Man because you are today. But you were not treated as a Man by your wife and your bf before. Remember: You teach how people treat you.

And your perceived wife is not the "wife" before you now.
 
61 - 80 of 108 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top