Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 165 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So on Oct 17th 2017 I discovered that my wife had been having a 6 month long affair with her boss. On the 17th I thought it was just an emotional affair but on the night of Oct 20th we got into a huge argument and she didn't come home that night. This was the first time anything like that had ever happened. She lied to me and tole me that she just needed to get away and that she slept in her car in a park all night. On Oct 24th she confessed that she had gone to her bosses house and that they slept together.
I'm sure the flirting started earlier but the sexting and sexual based messages started in May of 2017. Long story short they got very close after May 2017 and were together physically three times. Once in a parking lot and twice at his apartment. This was her first job after taking time off to finish her degree and to have our twins. Her job is very male dominated and she is either surrounded by men while at work or isolated in a vehicle. I think this dynamic helped to lead to what ultimately happened.
I am a war veteran with undiagnosed PTSD and depression issues. The month that this all started with my wife I lost my mother and my dog of 15 years. I became a total recluse (I from home 50% of the time and I am on the road for work the other 50% of the time) and rarely left our home. We have a 25 year old (my step-daughter) and a set of boy-girl 5y/o twins. My in-laws live with us in an in-law suite to help us take care of the kids and to assist them with their finances. I absolutely can't stand them so I arranged my work hours to start work around 10-11am and I would stay up until 2-3am to have the house completely by myself. During this time my wife had to wake up at 4am to head to work which resulted in us rarely seeing each other. To make matters worst this happened right after my wife had a major health scare and lost a lot her her muscle mass and gained a bit of weight.
In hindsight I was severely depressed and needed my wife to help me get out of it. I now also realize that my wife was severely depressed and took the symptoms of my depression and PTSD to be signs that I no longer was in love with her. An example of this is that I would start work at 11am but not shower or do any personal hygiene until 6 or 7 at night. My wife would come home and I would give her a very unpassionate kiss and she took it to mean that I didn't want her. I was just embarrassed that I hadn't handled any daily hygiene yet and I didn't want to be in her face.
Before this discovery I trusted my wife fully and I thought we were a model couple. I didn't recognize the signs that she was depressed, that she was cheating and I didn't recognize that I was depressed. I have beat myself up a bit about being so trusting but I have come to the conclusion that I did exactly what I was supposed to do. I trusted my wife as husbands are supposed to do.
There's hordes more that I could add but the above is the gist of it.

Now heres the issue. Since my discovery of her affair and her subsequent admission she has honestly done everything right. We've gone to counseling, she's talked about her issues. She's admitted her faults and accepted full responsibility of what happened. She understands that she should have talked to me about what was going on in her life instead of trying to feel better about her self and finding consolation in another mans arms. With all of that said I am a man at the end of the day and the thought of my beautiful wife bedding another man and doing the things that she has admitted that she did with him are tearing me up. I'm willing to work on us and she is doing everything to help me trust her again and feel in-love with her again but I really don't know how to recover from the betrayal. I don't know how to get the images out of my head. I don't know how to move forward without animosity. I don't know how to not think about her and him when I see her bent over getting something out of the stove, etc..

If anyone needs more info in order to have a better idea of the whole situation I am ready to share.

Please help!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,027 Posts
Oftentimes an affair signals the end of a relationship. So, while you might be able to reestablish some form of a marriage with her, you might not. The most honest thing you can do is decide for yourself whether this is a deal breaker and if it is then just end things ASAP. If it's not, then you both need to focus 100% of fixing your relationship and making sure the counselor you have can help you learn to deal with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
146 Posts
Have you heard of Esther Perel? She has a lot of resources (books, podcasts, audio books) on infidelity. She's very knowledgeable on the subject. It might help you both gain insight into her infidelity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Oftentimes an affair signals the end of a relationship. So, while you might be able to reestablish some form of a marriage with her, you might not. The most honest thing you can do is decide for yourself whether this is a deal breaker and if it is then just end things ASAP. If it's not, then you both need to focus 100% of fixing your relationship and making sure the counselor you have can help you learn to deal with it.
Through counseling she has admitted that she thought the relationship was already over. She thought I as no-longer in love with her and that I wanted a divorce. She has admitted in counseling that she took the cowards way out and had an affair. Part of her reasoning was to help Shield herself from the hurt and pain of me wanting to leave. (I never wanted to leave. I have always love her).
Her father committed suicide after not claiming her for 18 years, and her step-father left them and was abusive. Prior to my relationship with her was was also assaulted while in the army and her relationship that she was in prior to me was an emotional and physically abusive one.
She has said that she wants us to last and that her intention is to repair our marriage. I believe her and that's what I want too, but I have no clue how to let her back in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Have you heard of Esther Perel? She has a lot of resources (books, podcasts, audio books) on infidelity. She's very knowledgeable on the subject. It might help you both gain insight into her infidelity.
I just listened to one of her TED talks where she broke things down in terms of biological evolution. It was comforting on some levels and scary on others.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,896 Posts
As many wise people on this site have said, the old marriage is dead and gone. Whether or not you can raise a new marriage on the ashes of the old one is up to you. First, I always say that the wayward spouse needs consequences. The one that I see most often is a separation. The last few, the wayward spouse was told that if they continued, the marriage was over. The betrayed spouse in a few of those scenarios has gone back to being single. They aren't exactly revenge affairs, but the betrayed spouse in two of these immediately started going out on dates, and were not exactly hermits. One gentleman, was using a "point system" which I thoroughly discouraged, essentially, every time his wife had slept with the OM, it was assigned three points. The gentleman stated to his WW that each NEW woman he sleeps with, is worth 1 point. She slept with her OM, about ten times, he is going to have sex with 30 women. He is in the twenties last time I looked. She is scared to death to say anything. He holds a lot of cards in this, inclusive of her losing all of her family. She is sucking it up. She is living for the eventual reconciliation, and she has lost a lot already. The OM was a smooth talker, and on DD, she discovered that she was merely a piece of ass. He had three others he was doing along with his wife. OM was a power broker, now he is unemployed, and separated. A lady in a similar position, revenge is mostly financial, she is draining his assets, and I believe that when she is ready, this will be a nuclear explosion. She is driving her WH crazy. She goes out and does not tell him what she is up to, all he knows is that at some time in the near future, she will give him a decision. Whether or not she leaves him one red cent is entirely academic at this point.

Give your wife consequences, she has to know what she is going to lose due to her behavior.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,051 Posts
Through counseling she has admitted that she thought the relationship was already over. She thought I as no-longer in love with her and that I wanted a divorce. She has admitted in counseling that she took the cowards way out and had an affair. Part of her reasoning was to help Shield herself from the hurt and pain of me wanting to leave. (I never wanted to leave. I have always love her).
Her father committed suicide after not claiming her for 18 years, and her step-father left them and was abusive. Prior to my relationship with her was was also assaulted while in the army and her relationship that she was in prior to me was an emotional and physically abusive one.
She has said that she wants us to last and that her intention is to repair our marriage. I believe her and that's what I want too, but I have no clue how to let her back in.
from one war veteran to another, these kinds of things dont just go away because you want them to. you can get better and better at changing the way you think, but you HAVE to accept that it is not only ok, but entirely necessary for you to feel what you feel, and process it like you process everything else. you will have to accept how terrible it feels. you will have to accept that there is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you feel. even if your wife suddenly wakes up one morning doing everything right, it is STILL ok for you to feel what you feel.

not just ok... the only way to get passed it is to let yourself feel it and accept it, so that you can move forward from there. it is hard to describe, but you probably already have an idea of what i am talking about...

if you can live through the triggers and work forward from that place of agony, then you will know exactly what i am talking about. when we go through something traumatic, most of us will at some point realize that we will be ok. it comes directly after accepting the emotions instead of trying to fight them.

i hope this makes sense...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
I just listened to one of her TED talks where she broke things down in terms of biological evolution. It was comforting on some levels and scary on others.
First lesson — those so dispossessed of any meaningful character that they’d echo the worst traits of our primordial selves in their daily lives are all the more likely to do it over and over and over again.

Throw in an abusive childhood, daddy issues, and past sexual trauma on top of that, and you get a recipe for something that is the exact opposite of fidelity.

Also, she’s lying — it was way more than 3 times.

She quit her job yet?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,966 Posts
The idea that it's YOUR fault because she thought you didn't lover her anymore is BS. She is still blaming YOU when in reality her affair is 100% on her. If she felt the marriage was over, then she should have discussed divorce with you. If she felt that you didn't love her or had other issues SHE SHOULD HAVE talked with you about it.

She should leave that job, and you MAY have a case against the company for morals clause/sexual harassment case.

VERY sorry you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
First lesson — those so dispossessed of any meaningful character that they’d echo the worst traits of our primordial selves in their daily lives are all the more likely to do it over and over and over again.

Throw in an abusive childhood, daddy issues, and past sexual trauma on top of that, and you get a recipe for something that is the exact opposite of fidelity.

Also, she’s lying — it was way more than 3 times.

She quit her job yet?
So there's the rub. Part of me says that it "could" happen again and part of me thinks that she learned her lesson. And as far as 3 times or not. Yea. I know she's lying about that. No-one EVER tells the truth. She says 3 so I'm putting it at 6. In a counseling session one of the things mentioned was that what she said to him wasn't the truth because she wanted him to like her and what she is telling me isn't 100% the truth. 3, 6, 10, it doesn't really matter. They slept together.

And yes. She quit her job. Kinda. She went to work for one day after D-Day then she took 2 weeks off. The following week I had to go to Hawaii for a work trip for 2 weeks and she flew out with me. When we returned she got promoted/transferred to another site and she hasn't been back to the old site since.

Another interesting part of this is that she has admitted to being the instigator and the one who pushed for things to progress. She also admitted to using him to get her promotion.

Coincidentally, I'm not allowed at her old job. The day after I found our that she was having an affair but before I knew they were sleeping together I went to their work to "talk" to him. Lucky for him (maybe for me because I still have a clean record with no assault charges) he arrived to work late that day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
Have your wife call her OM wife and have her confess to the affair with you on the line or speaker phone. Yes it will be hard for her, yes she will be embarrassed about it. But it will also remind her in the future what she'll have to do if she does this again.

Also have her draft a letter to her HR department and expose the affair to her employer. This will stop OM from abusing his power to get women in bed. He used the promotion for sex.

Have a NC letter sent to OM.

She must give you access to her phone, social media, emails etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
146 Posts
I just listened to one of her TED talks where she broke things down in terms of biological evolution. It was comforting on some levels and scary on others.
That's good! She has a podcast too. When I'm faced with an issue, I like to immerse myself in knowledge. I find it helps gain some insight.

When I found out my husband kissed another woman when we were dating, I was heart-broken. I wanted to keep talking about it to find out all the details but if you read my other posts, my husband does not open up at all. I think that the silence in this case helped us rebuild our relationship because we couldn't keep going around in circles trying to find out why...because there really isn't a clear, concise, and easily packaged answer. Relationships are messy. Humans are messy. Monogamy sometimes feels unnatural and has often been proven to be unnatural for humans. There really aren't answers out there that will help you feel better. But, there is the hope that you can rebuild trust... I haven't questioned my husband's loyalty in many years. I don't doubt that he's faithful and I trust in him more than any man I've been with. So it IS possible to get the trust back with time, patience, and two people who are willing to build the trust back.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
The idea that it's YOUR fault because she thought you didn't lover her anymore is BS. She is still blaming YOU when in reality her affair is 100% on her. If she felt the marriage was over, then she should have discussed divorce with you. If she felt that you didn't love her or had other issues SHE SHOULD HAVE talked with you about it.

She should leave that job, and you MAY have a case against the company for morals clause/sexual harassment case.

VERY sorry you are going through this.

She has admitted that she handled it wrong. She was just explain her frame of mind at the time. When she tells me how she wishes she had handled it I believe her, I just can't for the life of me understand how she would be willing to screw me over so bad. I am the one person in her life (to include her parents) who has never left or abandoned her and who has always been a supporter of her.

As far as the HR thing, I did contact HR but the OM kept texts and messages between them. He was definitely inappropriate but my wife was the instigator. My first thought after deciding not to beat his ass was to get him fired, but my wife actually landed a very lucrative position nearly doubling her pay and I didn't want there to be any blowback on her. It pisses me off that he seems to be getting off Scott free though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
She can't work there anymore. Is the boss married? His wife should know too. Blow it all up.
She only worked there one more day after I discovered it all. And the boss is 2X divorced. Even after all of this time I still feel like I should confront him though. There should be consequences. While he is not the one that broke vows to me, he definitely knew she was married.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
13,981 Posts
She needs to quit the job. Transfer isn’t good enough. For all you know, they’re still communicating via company email and banging on lunch breaks.

She needs to go 100% no contact with this guy, which means shutting down any possible avenues for even casual, unplanned contact. Can’t really do that for as long as they’re working for the same company.

Also, a 6-month affair? You can bet there was sex at least once a week — WAY more than 3 or 6 times.

Also, if the guy is married or has a girlfriend, expose the affair.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,027 Posts
You never really answered my question. You answered what she wants, but you need to be upfront with what YOU really want and whether YOU think you can ever get past this. When a wife has an affair you need to redirect your thinking and advocate for yourself and not for her because you are no longer a team, at least not before all the damage is repaired. So again, can you sit down and decide YOUR life direction? If you had to pick a partner knowing what you now know about her, would she be your ideal mate? Is a cheating woman, that lies to you when caught, used sex with her boss to get a promotion, and that has a history of abuse in her past the best woman you think you can get? Are you satisfied with someone like that? I'm not judging you here, just questioning your choices so that you understand what you are potentially signing on for. If the answer to those questions is yes and you still want to be married to her, then go for it. But if the answers are no, then you'll never be able to move past her infidelity because every time you look at her you'll be letting yourself down and knowing that you settled for less than you should have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
She needs to quit the job. Transfer isn’t good enough. For all you know, they’re still communicating via company email and banging on lunch breaks.

She needs to go 100% no contact with this guy, which means shutting down any possible avenues for even casual, unplanned contact. Can’t really do that for as long as they’re working for the same company.

Also, a 6-month affair? You can bet there was sex at least once a week — WAY more than 3 or 6 times.

Also, if the guy is married or has a girlfriend, expose the affair.

Yea, the one thing I can't guarantee is that they are using company email and phones to communicate. As far as the more than 3 or 6 times it honestly doesn't matter. Having sex even one time with someone that you aren't married to is wrong, so 3, 6, 10, 100 its all the same to me. BUT with that being said, I got access to her emails and texts and was able to confirm the first time they were together. It was September 1, 2017. She left early for work that day and they were together in a park parking lot. The 2nd time was October 3, 2017. I was out of town on a work trip and she said she had to "work late" on that day. And the third time was Oct 20, 2017 and thats when she left our house during an argument and spend the night with him. I'm sure that Sep 1, 2017 was the first time and I know that they kissed first on August 25 2017 and they pretty much made out every morning until D-day. If there were times in between those dates that I don't know about then that's fine. At this point it really doesn't change anything.
 
1 - 20 of 165 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top