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Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".

Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.

The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully).

I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.

Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.

Thanks,
J
 

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Sounds like a likely affair to me. Since you dont go into any history here, that is what I am reading out of what you posted.

My personal opinion is that mid life crisis is a myth.
 

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Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".

Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.

The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully).

I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.

Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.

Thanks,
J
Check your phone bill. See who she has been talking to. Usually by the time it gets to divorce talk there is something else going on. There is a theory that no one leaves a warm bed for a cold one. I think in most cases this is true.

Never-mind read your first post. I think it's time to really start digging seems like she has pushed the limits and had one foot out the door for a while.
 

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What's happened in the almost three years since your other thread? Is she still working with the guy she was flirting with then? How were things until the past few months when she started talking about divorce?
 

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I do not see why the automatic jump to infidelity on this forum, I feel like this most of the time too within my own marriage, why?

Because my H treated me like crap and took me for granted, and now it is hard to forgive and forget even though he seems to have got the message and is working on becoming a better man.

Women put up with a lot of ****e for years and years, you allude to it but do not say what that was, maybe you could enlighten us.

Your wife has been 'nagging' for years, what was she saying, did you listen, did you actually hear what she said? Did you take any steps to rectify those things?

Not all people who are unhappy in their marriages go and have an affair, I haven't had one yet, though God knows, I could easily. For some people it is the default position but not all.

Find out why your wife is unhappy, have you talked? gone to MC? took her away on a break? What ACTION have you taken, waiting it out is not going to work
 

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Not sure this is the correct forum, but here it goes. I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".

Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation. We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.

The current landscape sounds like midlife crisis. Just google "Wife Midlife Crisis" and she has either displayed or flat out said most of them. Sexual withdrawal, says she doesn't have enough fun, says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out. We have two kids, both teens, so the empty nesting is in our future (hopefully).

I guess my post is more of a method of therapy than anything. There seems to be so much info out there on this, I am sure others probably have experiences or words of advise. I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out. I have always been the type of person that sticks it out and will do whatever it takes to weather the storm, but some days it seems futile. I am trying to be there for her, but sometimes it seems that whatever I say, no matter how logical, she goes the opposite direction. Perhaps she needs to find her own way and there isn't anything I can do...which is very painful.

Just looking for support and helpful words during this difficult time.

Thanks,
J
Shes cheating. See a lawyer know your rights get you important papers in order. Start stashing money. Start exercising eating right . When your sick of her lies and eating her **** you will be ready to file for divorce.

Best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter #10
No, the guy from 3 years ago is history. We actually relocated to a different part of the country, got new jobs and kind of started over. Things were ok for a while, but it seems we are in a cycle. We have ups and downs. I would classify myself as more introverted while she is more extroverted, so when we go out in social situation it takes a bit more for me to warm up to people I may not really know. This causes her irritation as she was to go out and have fun, wants me to have fun, but in the end it seems we have different ideas of what is it to have a good time out.

Our past discussions have revolved around her not getting the emotional support from me, and we have both made efforts to change things in our relationship. Usually what happens is that things seem to be getting better and then something happens to derail us, usually just normal life stuff. As an example, things seemed to be going pretty good and then we had some home repair/remodel issues pop up. I am fairly handy when it comes to those things so I did the repairs and renovations myself. While doing it yourself means that you save money (which is nice) it also means that it can consume alot of time. One of the tasks was a bathroom gut job, which took two months. It took most of my time in the evenings and weekends. The household disruption gave her quite a bit of anxiety and took away from time spent together.
 

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Call it what you wish... her thoughts are not on you.

What are these events telling you?

Reading your other thread, they tell me your wife continues to compare happiness that she is not finding.

That she is not looking in the right place is not in your control, she will make her own crisis in her unmindful approach to finding out in the end that her happiness lies within her... middle, beginning, or end.

Sadly, there will continue to be collateral damage as she struggles even if you are prepared for it.

Your role in this is to live the best life you can... since this has not settled for awhile you may need to begin seeing your life differently, not one with the threat of your marriage ending but one of the strength that she may choose to not be in your life.

I would let her know you are signing up for marriage counseling and if she does not come you will go without her... that is your choice and taking control of your life, not relying on her to set the pace.

I think you will need it either way as you practice letting go of your fears of your marriage ending or tackling the hard questions to stay together with guidance...
 

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Me? First I would put a PI on her, or go radio silence and start doing background investigation. For my money, she is in the contemplation stage of an affair: waffling back and forth. This could be a combination of mid-life crisis, menopause or external factors, such as someone at work putting the moves on her, and her mind trying to justify an attraction, while detaching from her husband.

My advice? If it is someone at work, warn him off. Very few men want to have their lives ruined before they get a shot at fresh *****. If it is hormonal or psychological, by all means get into a physician's office and get to the bottom of this while simultaneously getting MC/IC.

There is something else, as another poster put it, she has already "tested" the waters with a possible EA a few years ago. You may want to go "shock and awe" on her. Tell her if she is considering an affair that she is cordially invited to GTFO. Say that you will not put up with her behavior any further and if she wants a strange d1ck between her legs, then she is welcome, BUT she walks away from house, money, marriage and kids.
 
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I think my wife is going through a midlife crisis, and not a "Hey let's get a new sportcar", but hey, "I think I am done with you".
Over the past few months we have had discussions and sometimes fights where she talks about leaving and divorce. Now I am not going to pretend that I have no fault in the situation.

We have been married over 19 years and started dating when were were teenagers. So obviously there is a lot of history there, but with years of decisions, it is impossible not to make some mistakes along the way.

says she loves me but doesn't think she is in love with me, wants to do what she wants and doesn't wants to have to talk or discuss decisions, and I could go on. There are moments when it seems all will be ok, but then something will happen and then she just seems to want out.

I am sure she is feeling a lot of confusion. There are days that she talks about our future, plans for our 20th anniversary trip...and then other days where she talks about moving out.
Looks like she is already cheating emotionally or Physically. Pretty much standard script and exactly what happened to me, Best thing would be to take control of the situation and tell her your out, if you do want to be with her then showing her she doesn't get to call the shots could help bring her back since she is in total control right now and your allowing her to sit on the fence so no incentives for her, a swift taste of reality and lack of control could shake her up, if not you will be able to get out and move on faster since the period after you are left high and dry is one you dont want to experience.
 

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These waters being tested are like a Yellowstone geyser @Taxman... how often is the barrier to prevent detachment going to have to be set back up again?

Shock and awe might bring the awareness you want, but if it has to be used repeatedly it is the wrong tool.

@jp4000, I sense you are missing an understanding of her love languages... and you are missing your balance of the middle path.
 
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OP, you still haven't told us what the problem actually is, you must have talked to her about it, no?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I have the same question.
If she doesn't know what she wants and she's just going to sit and mope about it then you need to approach it from an entirely different angle.
Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:".
 

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Little more discussion today, specifically she wants more of a social life. She doesn't want to rely entirely on me for all of her interactions with other people. She has stated that she wants me to be more social with her. It always been kind of tricky, especially when we had kids young. Now that they are getting older, she gets irritated that we don't do more as a couple with other couples or people. I have never been very good in social situations, especially with people I don't really know, so its harder for me than simple "going out:".
Ah. I have the same problem. I can tell you what I did/am doing and what I think you could do to make the situation better.
The difference between my husband and yourself is that my husband has the ability to socialize. He's actually quite likable. He just CHOOSES to spend ALL of his free time with his family. Initially, this bothered the F out of me and I was nagging him to put more effort into his social life because I'm suffering as a result of it. Then I realized, he's an adult and he's free to choose to spend his time however he damn pleases. I think you need to apply the same mentality to yourself. However, my husband humours me and comes to the things I want to do, but I'm at the point now that I actually don't want him to come. I'd rather spend time with my friends. This is something I'm having a hard time talking to him about...

What I'm saying is ENCOURAGE your wife to do SOME things without you. Explain that when you can, you'll do the events she wants to do with her, but it's unrealistic for her to expect you to do everything. Once she realizes that you ARE putting in the effort (1 out of 5 events, let's say) and you've drilled it into her head not to expect you do accompany her every time her expectations will become stable. She'll stop asking you to do this or that because she'll already have plans with someone else. Unfortunately for you, you need to accept she will be spending time with other people. If you don't like this, too bad. Your wife wants to socialize and you do not.

Your wants are valid. So are hers. You need to compromise. Expect to spend Saturday nights alone more often now, but if that's what she needs, that's what she needs. (I'm assuming her need to socialize doesn't revolve around getting drunk and going clubbing, though and that her interests are elsewhere.)

If you don't let her satisfy her social needs she's going to resent you. And you're going to have to learn to occupy yourself.
 

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I understand what you are saying, but up until recently she really didn't have anyone to go out and do anything with other than me. We got married and had kids pretty young so now that our kids are teens and we have more free time, a lot of the people are age are at that stage where their kids require more of their parents time. Regardless of how or why she didn't have any friends, she seems to have blamed the lack of socialization on me. I often feel like it has been my job to find friends and get the social ball rolling, problem being that I am not good at that. Once i get to know people I am likable, it's just breaking the ice.

Now she has a couple friends to go out with and it has been so long that we have done anything like this, I struggle with relaxing and having fun when I do join her. When I don't join her I get anxious and she get upset thinking I am mad at her for going on.

This has manifested itself in other areas over time and has build a huge wall of resentment.
 

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Well her expectation to have her husband with her for social occasions is very much normal and preferred, honestly. How would it make you feel if she never wanted you around? Spouses owe it to each other to participate in each other's lives, even though some things may not be within the others' comfort zone. Its just part of marriage. You should make the effort. (or, should have made the effort?)

Course, it may be too late now, sounds like she has another man occupying her time.
 
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