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I have read a few post regarding spouses going on vacation solo but nothing has been specific to my current situation. In general I feel that solo vacations can be healthy for a lot of relationships and that if people truly trust their spouse then they should not worry about them cheating.

Here is my current situation. I am leaving out most of the details but just know that I have been married for 3 years and VERY happily for 2 1/2. The last 6 months have been hard on us due to a HORRIBLE thing that happened to my wife in September that was completely out of our control.

Sooooo...

My wife and I were suppose to go on a big vacation to Florida with my family for Christmas. As a family we decided on no presents this year and that our real present from my parents would be the trip itself. We ordered tickets in early October. About 40 days before our trip my wife had a big falling out with my sister and as a result my wife did want not go on the Christmas vacation. I did not want to go then either but my wife insisted saying "I don't want to be responsible for you not spending Christmas with you family." and I was one of 3 people that were suppose to drive the 20 hours to Florida so there were people who depended. Also at the time we thought it would be a good idea to get some space from each other.

Because I did not want her to waste a good plain ticket I suggested that she re-purpose it for another plain ticket. She and my mom both thought it was a great idea and she re-purposed it for a trip to New Orleans for a small fee. It was her hope that she could find a friend or family member go with her before her trip.

Since early this year we decided it would be best if I moved out. To sum up I was smothering her to death and being super over emotional (the thing that happened to her in September was really bad) while all she wanted was some space and privacy. Currently we are on VERY good terms and see a marriage counselor once a week. We still hang out together, go out for drinks and dinner, go shopping, and make love but I have my place and she has hers. I want this marriage to work and deep down I think she does too.

Her trip to New Orleans is now only a few weeks away and at this point she will be going by herself. For some reason, I am really worried about her going on this trip by herself. I would say 75% of it is me worrying about her safety and 25% of it is me worrying about her cheating on me.

Physically she has never cheated on me before and has never given me any reason to doubt her in that regard. However, about a week after we decided to live apart she had a video chat with someone she met that was of a sexual nature. She met this person through a Scrabble app she has on her smart phone. She confessed this to me soon after with details and sad that she has been hating herself for it ever since. I trust her when she says she did not enjoy it without me and that she will never do it again. We are both "online" people and are very liberal with our sex life with regards to the internet and pornography. Honestly if she had asked me ahead of time about it, more than likely I would have asked to watch. I was upset that she hid it from me but it wasn't a deal breaker.

Is my fear about my wife vacationing alone justified?

How can I express my fears to her without basically saying "don't do anything stupid, don't trust strangers, and don't cheat on me"?

We have two counseling session before her trip. Is this something I should bring up in session before the trip, after, or in my solo session?

I am not a jealous guy and truly had these feelings. How can on convey them while at the same time showing my wife that deep down I trust her?
 

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I'm shocked your MC hasn't told you this yet...

Healthy marriages do not include privacy.

So that's the first red flag here,

Shortly after you moving out she then uses that privacy to have cybersex.

I think you don't want to admit it , but your gut is very much connecting the dots here, and you know where it's leading. Btw New Orleans is not safe for a woman alone. Units not quite safe for a man alone. But I don't think she's planning on actually being alone.

I'm going to make a prediction here.

Months ago she are a connection with someone online.

She had a major falling out with your sister to give her a reason to stay home at Xmas.

She continued the online relationship and they at have met up during your trip.

She's continuing to escalate it with him, and getting you out is her test driving being single again.

She's planning on meet up with him on her trip.
 

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Healthy marriages DO include privacy, because privacy is something negotiated.

I think, Cody, you are going to have to add some more details. Are you trying to avoid writing that your wife was raped in Sept? because that's what jumped into my mind. And if that is true, there is a whole lotta different perspective that is going on here and your typical marriage advice isn't going to be appropriate for this circumstance.
 
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The story recently about the married woman from NY found dead in Syria I believe would stop me from my wife going alone. Very sad story, left behind a husband and two small children. Homeless drifter killed her while out taking pictures.
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The story recently about the married woman from NY found dead in Syria I believe would stop me from my wife going alone. Very sad story, left behind a husband and two small children. Homeless drifter killed her while out takeing pictures.
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Yes, I've thought of this too when my wife has wanted to go on vacation with her friends, not even alone. But the husband in that case apparently knew that his wife wanted to cheat, said so, and she still went. I can imagine they fought quite a bit privately before he said anything publicly.

What can OP and others do to prevent a spouse who wants to leave from leaving, if they've put their minds to it? Is saying, "If you go, don't come back" the only possible threat that would work? It wouldn't work for those of us who want to stay married I suppose. I don't know the answer, I guess I'm just thinking out loud.
 

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I am leaving out most of the details
yes, which makes it impossible to know what is really going on. This struck me as odd, for example:

We ordered tickets in early October.... and I was one of 3 people that were suppose to drive the 20 hours to Florida so there were people who depended.
That doesn't make any sense to me. You ordered tickets, and yet you were driving.
 

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Her trip to New Orleans is now only a few weeks away and at this point she will be going by herself. For some reason, I am really worried about her going on this trip by herself. I would say 75% of it is me worrying about her safety and 25% of it is me worrying about her cheating on me.
It should be 5% worrying about her safety and 95% worrying about her cheating on you.
 

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I have read a few post regarding spouses going on vacation solo but nothing has been specific to my current situation. In general I feel that solo vacations can be healthy for a lot of relationships and that if people truly trust their spouse then they should not worry about them cheating.

Here is my current situation. I am leaving out most of the details but just know that I have been married for 3 years and VERY happily for 2 1/2. The last 6 months have been hard on us due to a HORRIBLE thing that happened to my wife in September that was completely out of our control.

Sooooo...

My wife and I were suppose to go on a big vacation to Florida with my family for Christmas. As a family we decided on no presents this year and that our real present from my parents would be the trip itself. We ordered tickets in early October. About 40 days before our trip my wife had a big falling out with my sister and as a result my wife did want not go on the Christmas vacation. I did not want to go then either but my wife insisted saying "I don't want to be responsible for you not spending Christmas with you family." and I was one of 3 people that were suppose to drive the 20 hours to Florida so there were people who depended. Also at the time we thought it would be a good idea to get some space from each other.

Because I did not want her to waste a good plain ticket I suggested that she re-purpose it for another plain ticket. She and my mom both thought it was a great idea and she re-purposed it for a trip to New Orleans for a small fee. It was her hope that she could find a friend or family member go with her before her trip.

Since early this year we decided it would be best if I moved out. To sum up I was smothering her to death and being super over emotional (the thing that happened to her in September was really bad) while all she wanted was some space and privacy. Currently we are on VERY good terms and see a marriage counselor once a week. We still hang out together, go out for drinks and dinner, go shopping, and make love but I have my place and she has hers. I want this marriage to work and deep down I think she does too.

Her trip to New Orleans is now only a few weeks away and at this point she will be going by herself. For some reason, I am really worried about her going on this trip by herself. I would say 75% of it is me worrying about her safety and 25% of it is me worrying about her cheating on me.

Physically she has never cheated on me before and has never given me any reason to doubt her in that regard. However, about a week after we decided to live apart she had a video chat with someone she met that was of a sexual nature. She met this person through a Scrabble app she has on her smart phone. She confessed this to me soon after with details and sad that she has been hating herself for it ever since. I trust her when she says she did not enjoy it without me and that she will never do it again. We are both "online" people and are very liberal with our sex life with regards to the internet and pornography. Honestly if she had asked me ahead of time about it, more than likely I would have asked to watch. I was upset that she hid it from me but it wasn't a deal breaker.

Is my fear about my wife vacationing alone justified?

How can I express my fears to her without basically saying "don't do anything stupid, don't trust strangers, and don't cheat on me"?

We have two counseling session before her trip. Is this something I should bring up in session before the trip, after, or in my solo session?

I am not a jealous guy and truly had these feelings. How can on convey them while at the same time showing my wife that deep down I trust her?
Cody, like a number of men on here they really try to drive home that they are not jealous, insecure or controlling. That marriage is about trust and they are just a really nice guy. I am nit sure who they seek validation from. Maybe they are conflict avoiders and say these things so they are not jumped on. They are fearful of being assertive and masculine. They have been programmed in a way to repress their feelings as a man. Idunno. YMMV. But they apologize for some reason about their feelings.

But you have taken this a bit further. You are the one who told your wife she should take a solo trip. Huh? Then you say New Orleans. Oh yeah that is a place I would encourage my wife to go to alone. With that said why would you encourage your wife to go alone to any city. Makes zero senze to me.

But this really is not so much about your wife. Why have you created this situation. Why are you afraid to be a man about this? Marriage is about love and respect. trust is a by product. Also is your nboundary only PIV sex. This keeps coming up on this forum. Trust me. I won't cheat. Like that is the only thing that matters. A marriage is a partnership. She should trust you to look out for her. And you her. We all get tunnel vision.

So the issue here is really on you. Neither my wife nor I go away to cities on vacation alone. The least reason not to is cheating.

Now you through in that teaser. That HORRIBLE thing. Right. Like that would not matter here.

Needing space is not a good thing. So you were driving and she was taking a plane?

Since early this year we decided it would be best if I moved out. To sum up I was smothering her to death and being super over emotional (the thing that happened to her in September was really bad) while all she wanted was some space and privacy.
None of this sounds like a happy marriage. You decided to move out!? Space and privacy. Ok so forget this. Whatever September was. Rape, she killed somebody accidentally, you lost a child ... idunno. Does not matter. You either work on your marriage or you do not.

Her trip to New Orleans is now only a few weeks away and at this point she will be going by herself. For some reason, I am really worried about her going on this trip by herself. I would say 75% of it is me worrying about her safety and 25% of it is me worrying about her cheating on me.
You need to move back home and the two of you need to go to New Oreleans or somewhere else. You need to fight for your marriage. I would be worried about my wife's safety first off. But you probably are right to worry that she is going to meet someone there. Why? Because all the rest of this is about her leaving you.

You left her alone at Christmas. What did she do then? I suspect the argument with your sister was contrived.

Physically she has never cheated on me before and has never given me any reason to doubt her in that regard. However, about a week after we decided to live apart she had a video chat with someone she met that was of a sexual nature. She met this person through a Scrabble app she has on her smart phone. She confessed this to me soon after with details and sad that she has been hating herself for it ever since. I trust her when she says she did not enjoy it without me and that she will never do it again. We are both "online" people and are very liberal with our sex life with regards to the internet and pornography. Honestly if she had asked me ahead of time about it, more than likely I would have asked to watch. I was upset that she hid it from me but it wasn't a deal breaker.
Ok so she is already cheating on you. Yeah this sounds like she will hookup while away. But as I said cheating should not be the only boundary in a marriage.

The trip is a huge immediate issue but this while setup is absurd. You are not married to her right now. You were kicked out and she is seeking out other men. Stop being so weak.
 

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I'm shocked your MC hasn't told you this yet...

Healthy marriages do not include privacy.

So that's the first red flag here,

Shortly after you moving out she then uses that privacy to have cybersex.

I think you don't want to admit it , but your gut is very much connecting the dots here, and you know where it's leading. Btw New Orleans is not safe for a woman alone. Units not quite safe for a man alone. But I don't think she's planning on actually being alone.

I'm going to make a prediction here.

Months ago she are a connection with someone online.

She had a major falling out with your sister to give her a reason to stay home at Xmas.

She continued the online relationship and they at have met up during your trip.

She's continuing to escalate it with him, and getting you out is her test driving being single again.

She's planning on meet up with him on her trip.
This pretty much nails it. In the few months I've been on TAM I've read hundreds of threads and this one just seems to get played over and over again. Same Circus, different Clowns.
 

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Yes, I've thought of this too when my wife has wanted to go on vacation with her friends, not even alone. But the husband in that case apparently knew that his wife wanted to cheat, said so, and she still went. I can imagine they fought quite a bit privately before he said anything publicly.

What can OP and others do to prevent a spouse who wants to leave from leaving, if they've put their minds to it? Is saying, "If you go, don't come back" the only possible threat that would work? It wouldn't work for those of us who want to stay married I suppose. I don't know the answer, I guess I'm just thinking out loud.
You have to risk losing a partner sometimes to keep them. That is a hard pill to swallow and folks do not want to admit it.

Frankly putting up with infidelity is NOT staying married. In the legal sense perhaps. But the marriage is dead. So if one wants a healthy alive marriage they have to make a stand before the horse is dead. Typically though people just watch it die and are afraid to save it for fear of losing it. Accepting the unacceptable does nothing good.

In his case he has already moved out and she has already moved on. Perhaps she sees hom as financial support and an FWB. Will he new lover insist this stop? Perhaps.

Are there children here? If not, sounds like half past time to move on if one is not going to engage.
 

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Cody1980, if you're still reading this....your marriage is slipping away. Nothing good is going to come from your wife going on vacation alone. Nothing good is going to come from her having 'space.' She's just buying time until she knows for sure that she wants to leave you. It's the ol' monkey not letting go of one branch until it has a firm grip on another.

And now you're conflicted. You feel horrible because you correctly feel that your marriage is in danger, yet it's so clear that you're trying to be that trusting, non-controlling modern sensitive guy who's above being an "archaic domineering man" who doesn't ever tolerate his wife going out on her own.

Cody, you have to go with the old-school ways on this one.
 
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