Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 21 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a situation with my wife that is very difficult for me, but in reality I know I have it better than most and need some advice and guidance. I am sure a few will have some constructive criticism for me or more like criticism, but that is part of the reason I am posting. I welcome all good and bad suggestions, comments, etc.

My wife and I are a blended family and have been married for 18 months. During our entire dating time (did not live together) we had sex every single time we saw each other. After we got married, we had sex every single night for the first 13 months. Then we started to miss a few days here and there and when we did, I felt completely rejected and told her how I felt. Well, that did not go over to well as you might expect. Bottom line, the last few months our sex life is not doing as well. She has sex with me, but will not initiate it and I can tell it is just a service for me. I do try to initiate it most nights and I get told no or shot down about half the time or maybe a bit more. She won’t give me oral sex and has not in 4 months, even though I give it to her at least once a week now and before when we were having sex every day about 3 times a week.

Well last night, I pushed her for sex. We had a good evening together, we have not had sex for the past 3 days and not much before that because I was traveling. Things were going well last night and she asked me to give her a massage and she stripped down and laid on top of me so I can massage her butt and back (which I do almost every night). After about an hour of massaging her, I started to kiss her body and tried to kiss her. She responded with a quick kiss. I tried for more, it was not working, so I tried a little harder and finally she got to the point of saying, stop trying and she was very upset with me.

We got into a long conversation how I need to stop chasing her, but still treat her the same as when we were dating, which seems to be a bit opposite. She said she will not have sex with me until she feel the pressure is off of her to have sex. Her view is that I have an unhealthy sex drive and it is beyond normal. She is feeling that she only exist for sex and that I only care about getting my needs met and don’t care about her sexual needs. I asked her what she is not getting from me and her response was that it felt forced and was not fun for her and it cannot be fun if she feels pressured to have sex with me.

Not sure what to do. I am smart enough to realize right now we are having sex 2-3 times a week and that is better than most. I think my disappointment is that I thought having sex every day can last forever (stupid, I know) and now that it is not I feel unloved by my wife when she says no. Also, I have been resentful that even when I have asked, I don’t get blowjobs or even a back massage. I got blowjobs weekly when we dated and have had about 7 since we got married and none in the last 4 months. Anybody else have this feeling of being rejected when wife tells you no? How do I trust my wife to initiate and meet my needs? How do I handle this overactive sex drive? I can’t sleep at night if I have not had sex in the last 48 hours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
I have a higher drive than my wife. If it was up to me I'd have sex everyday and could do it more than once in a day. If it was up to my wife, I think she would be content with one time a week or maybe less sometimes. In the end we ended up with a natural compromise where we have sex 2 - 4 days a week - depending on how things are going during the weekly grind. IMO, 2 - 3 times/week may not be your optimal, but don't be surprised if she would prefer it once a week or less. She may have already made the compromise and is feeling resentment that you did not realize it. Bottom line, talk about it openly with her and without emotion. Promise each other before you have the talk that neither of you will get angry or upset. You need to have a candid discussion about sex so that the both of you can get on the same page.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I have a higher drive than my wife. If it was up to me I'd have sex everyday and could do it more than once in a day. If it was up to my wife, I think she would be content with one time a week or maybe less sometimes. In the end we ended up with a natural compromise where we have sex 2 - 4 days a week - depending on how things are going during the weekly grind. IMO, 2 - 3 times/week may not be your optimal, but don't be surprised if she would prefer it once a week or less. She may have already made the compromise and is feeling resentment that you did not realize it. Bottom line, talk about it openly with her and without emotion. Promise each other before you have the talk that neither of you will get angry or upset. You need to have a candid discussion about sex so that the both of you can get on the same page.
I agree with what you are saying Plan 9. We did have a pretty good discussion. My wife has an extremely quick temper, so it limits some of the good communication.

I asked her what would be her ideal frequency, to which she said I am not a genius, I don't have a magical number, there is no formula for you to use that will get you what you want.

So I am not sure if she is thinking 7 or 1, but I know she is pissed off about this and carries a ton of resentment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
And a gardener tends the gardens by regularly fertilizing, weeding and watering the plants so that they grow full and lush. If the plants aren't tended to, they will wither away and eventually die.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
As a marital therapist, your concern is by no means unusual. When one partner begins to feel pressured, desire diminishes. Practice "constructive confusion" where you display affection and desire non sexually. Over time when the pressure is off, desire will return.
We talk about this in our workbook, "The Couple's Survival Workbook", DrDavidCOlsen
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
As a marital therapist, your concern is by no means unusual. When one partner begins to feel pressured, desire diminishes. Practice "constructive confusion" where you display affection and desire non sexually. Over time when the pressure is off, desire will return.
We talk about this in our workbook, "The Couple's Survival Workbook", DrDavidCOlsen
Thanks for your advice. The advice is great and I am sure it does work, the hard part for me will be to implement it. My high sex drive seems to remove control of my verbal filter. However, I am going to implement your advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
2-3 times a week and you're complaining? No more blowjobs? poor you! I would be thrilled to have 2-3 times a week.

Here's the deal: Stop pouting. She is not going to change. Either you can learn to live with what you've got, in which place just accept that you are not going to have sex 7 days a week ever again... or you actually think there's some other girl out there who will have sex with you every single day. If that's what you think, leave your wife and go find this other girl.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
I liked the book intimacy and desire by Schnarch.
I have the opposite problem and can tell out of experience that pushing - even when you get sex will yield the contrary. Long term it kills off the sex drive of your wife.
Your problem is not huge so far try hard to work it out without putting pressure on your wife - it is not her problem it is your and her problem. Maybe you can fix that with some few hours of counselling if you can afford it, but choose the counsellor wisely.
There are more bad counsellors around than good ones and the price is not always a tag to quality. Don't go to counselling to fix her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11 Posts
Don't go to counselling to fix her.
Exactly what I was trying to say, but I'm afraid my prior post probably just came across as sarcastic. Don't go to counselling to fix her. Don't try to fix her at all. The only one you can fix is yourself.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,120 Posts
OP you have it good don't mess it up.

You say you want to pleasure your wife... listen to her.
Or you'll end in my boat tail end of sexless marriage.... with time running out on my wife to
decide she wants to change.

Cant fix her...can point out bad behaviors.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
2-3 times a week and you're complaining? No more blowjobs? poor you! I would be thrilled to have 2-3 times a week.

Here's the deal: Stop pouting. She is not going to change. Either you can learn to live with what you've got, in which place just accept that you are not going to have sex 7 days a week ever again... or you actually think there's some other girl out there who will have sex with you every single day. If that's what you think, leave your wife and go find this other girl.
Thanks for the advice. No worries. I am not going anywhere and will deal with less sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
I liked the book intimacy and desire by Schnarch.
I have the opposite problem and can tell out of experience that pushing - even when you get sex will yield the contrary. Long term it kills off the sex drive of your wife.
Your problem is not huge so far try hard to work it out without putting pressure on your wife - it is not her problem it is your and her problem. Maybe you can fix that with some few hours of counselling if you can afford it, but choose the counsellor wisely.
There are more bad counsellors around than good ones and the price is not always a tag to quality. Don't go to counselling to fix her.
Thanks for the book recommend. I think we are ok without counseling at this time. I needed the reality check that I have it very good compared to most men. I think with time it will be good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
111 Posts
NO counting on time alone won't resolve a problem. You can do this with or without a counsellor. Non resolved problems will show up later with a very ugly face.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
12,751 Posts
LTPW,
This post of yours is just so incredibly honest, hats off to you.

I love my wife a lot and yet it took me a long, long time to realize this. Sometimes it is the things that we don't do, that show the true depth of our love for our partner.

Think about that for a bit.


I have a situation with my wife that is very difficult for me, but in reality I know I have it better than most and need some advice and guidance. I am sure a few will have some constructive criticism for me or more like criticism, but that is part of the reason I am posting. I welcome all good and bad suggestions, comments, etc.

My wife and I are a blended family and have been married for 18 months. During our entire dating time (did not live together) we had sex every single time we saw each other. After we got married, we had sex every single night for the first 13 months. Then we started to miss a few days here and there and when we did, I felt completely rejected and told her how I felt. Well, that did not go over to well as you might expect. Bottom line, the last few months our sex life is not doing as well. She has sex with me, but will not initiate it and I can tell it is just a service for me. I do try to initiate it most nights and I get told no or shot down about half the time or maybe a bit more. She won’t give me oral sex and has not in 4 months, even though I give it to her at least once a week now and before when we were having sex every day about 3 times a week.

Well last night, I pushed her for sex. We had a good evening together, we have not had sex for the past 3 days and not much before that because I was traveling. Things were going well last night and she asked me to give her a massage and she stripped down and laid on top of me so I can massage her butt and back (which I do almost every night). After about an hour of massaging her, I started to kiss her body and tried to kiss her. She responded with a quick kiss. I tried for more, it was not working, so I tried a little harder and finally she got to the point of saying, stop trying and she was very upset with me.

We got into a long conversation how I need to stop chasing her, but still treat her the same as when we were dating, which seems to be a bit opposite. She said she will not have sex with me until she feel the pressure is off of her to have sex. Her view is that I have an unhealthy sex drive and it is beyond normal. She is feeling that she only exist for sex and that I only care about getting my needs met and don’t care about her sexual needs. I asked her what she is not getting from me and her response was that it felt forced and was not fun for her and it cannot be fun if she feels pressured to have sex with me.

Not sure what to do. I am smart enough to realize right now we are having sex 2-3 times a week and that is better than most. I think my disappointment is that I thought having sex every day can last forever (stupid, I know) and now that it is not I feel unloved by my wife when she says no. Also, I have been resentful that even when I have asked, I don’t get blowjobs or even a back massage. I got blowjobs weekly when we dated and have had about 7 since we got married and none in the last 4 months. Anybody else have this feeling of being rejected when wife tells you no? How do I trust my wife to initiate and meet my needs? How do I handle this overactive sex drive? I can’t sleep at night if I have not had sex in the last 48 hours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Thanks MEM. I have an incredible wife and all of you helped me to realize it and I know I need to back off. I totally did that tonight and she all of a sudden ripped into me. It was awesome. I might figure marriage out yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
79 Posts
This is in reply to your initial post.

How aggressive and unreasonable were you in that first discussion when you told her you felt rejected? It sounds like this discussion leads to a “few months” of a colder shoulder from her. The question is whether her reaction was reasonable, and the answer depends on how unreasonable or aggressive you were in that first conversation.

A telling thing here is that she stopped performing oral sex when she used to give you oral pleasures about once each week. I'm guessing she knows that is special to you. This sounds either like she is punishing you or she no longer feels close enough to you to engage in that personal contact.

Do you think she was over-reacting? I’m asking this because I wonder if there is something else going on here. I’m not suggesting another man; there's absolutely no reason to even suspect that. I just wonder if she was upset about something else before your first conversation, and that’s why there was a decline in sex before you even addressed it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
I don't think your wife is all that incredible. She calls you selfish just for asking to have your needs met. You massage her every night but she won't return the favor.

I think she did a bait and switch on you. She used sex to trap you and now that she has you it's been downgraded to pity sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
65 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Mavash,

Well in other areas my wife is incredible. With sex, I do feel downgraded, but I know she craves to have better sex. It is not working for me and last night she told me how it is not working for her and she wants to make it better together. She said it was great before because she had the best sex life of all her friends and she is missing that. I think we may have turned a corner last night to head in the right direction. Time will tell.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
12,751 Posts
Stop massaging her every night.

As for her quick temper, that is code for: I back down whenever my wife gets angry.
Shouting back is toxic. Freezing her out is effective.

In fact a proactive conversation that goes like this: don't scream or be hateful ot disrespectful to me. The next time that even starts the conversation will end - all conversation will end until you apologize.
After a few apologies you will sign up for anger management or we will take a break and decide if this is working.
 
1 - 20 of 21 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top