Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 102 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.

About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.

Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.

She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.

I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.

Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.

There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.

I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.

So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.

Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,774 Posts
So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.

About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.

Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.

She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.

I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.

Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.

There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.

I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.

So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.

Thank you.
It's highly likely that your wife is cheating on you,either emotionally or physically.You are a police officer so it is time to go into detective mode and get confirmation one way or another.When a woman is having an affair with someone she feels that she loves,her having sex or any sort of intimacy with her husband feels to her like she is cheating on her lover.You need to stop pleading with her and look up the "180".
You don't say where you live but as a cop you have more ways of gathering information than most other people.
I will leave it at that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,890 Posts
She's cheating. No doubt. Classic textbook case.
Wants a divorce suddenly.
Doesn't love you.
Wants out fast.
Phone protected. Etc etc.

What to do:

It's gonna hurt.....
Divorce her. Do it as fast as possible. Why? Because it's going to happen whether you want it to or not, and if you do it NOW, sh may have enough guilt for you to get a fair divorce.
Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Work with her as much as you can.

Don't wonder if she's cheating. She is. Your replacement is already present. She won't sleep with you or let you touch her for two reasons: she has lost all feelings for you and isn't attracted to you anymore, and doesn't want to be disloyal to her affair partner. Sick, twisted..... true.

I know it's going to be tough. Don't cry or plead or beg. It will just repulse her and steal your dignity.

Divorce now while she's in a hurry and get 50/50 custody of your kids.

I'm m sorry. Cheating she is. Absolute metaphysical certitude.

For you to say "it's against her beliefs" and "you don't think she is"....... welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to.

I've been through this. I can tell you how it will go, what she'll say when you find something..... "well it was never physical".

You are going to go through stages of grief. You're in the first part---- blaming yourself.
When you find out she cheated, you're going to be in shock and disbelief for a while... numbness to it.. Then anger. Be careful what you might do.
Then depression. Expect it. Don't succumb to it. Until you ACCEPT what has happened, that it wasn't your fault she cheated, and that you MUST move on, your state of mind won't improve. Yes, it's painful and will take months. When you accept it (hardest part), you'll get better much faster.

Don't try the save this, sir. Don't try to beg her back. Anything... I said ANYTHING you do to change her mind at this point will be taken the wrong way and will repulse her.
You'd have a better chance of getting her back (which is foolish-- she's a cheater) if you kicked her out tonight and told her she's trash.

Mark my words. I've been there.
Very sorry.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,265 Posts
One thing is for certain - she's checked out.

That means, no amount of groveling or change is going to have an ounce of impact.

I suggest you go file immediately. She doesn't want the marriage any longer, so why should you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,890 Posts
Has she: purchased new underwear? Working out in gym or dieting in past 6 months? Sexual habits changed? Did a new position with you?
Started shaving or waxing? Dressing differently?

There may be a couple of people here say she's a classic walk away wife, this was an exit affair, you were a bad husband and she finally made up her mind, etc, etc.

Either way, she cheated. The result is the same. Nothing you can do to change her mind. Only she can. As long as you chase her, she will run from you.
The more you want her, the more she will be repulsed.

Do this: Start working out. Consider talking to your doctor and tell him what's happened. Zoloft helped me through this. I took it for about 1 1/2 months. This will be the most painful experience of your life. Don't turn down help.
Only discuss this with two trusted friends, preferably relatives. A parent is good.
Don't wear your friends out with your story. Don't tell them about all her cheating. You will find out most likely eventually.

You CAN get through this. I did. Others have. You can, too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
It's highly likely that your wife is cheating on you,either emotionally or physically.You are a police officer so it is time to go into detective mode and get confirmation one way or another.When a woman is having an affair with someone she feels that she loves,her having sex or any sort of intimacy with her husband feels to her like she is cheating on her lover.You need to stop pleading with her and look up the "180".
You don't say where you live but as a cop you have more ways of gathering information than most other people.
I will leave it at that.
Unfortunately I cannot use my duty tools for personal use but I still can investigate and I have been. She has been really good at covering her tracks. She deletes her messages but to be fair she always has done that to save space in her phone. Tonight I checked her phone for the first time in our 5 years of marriage. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not be able to watch our kids so I can go on a date with her because being alone with me "makes her skin crawl". Then I phone little lovey memes in her phone saying things like "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch". I can't see who she sent them to but there is someone.. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. He is a security guard at her work. I have worked with him on duty and he knows me and he knows she's my wife... I have to keep my cool to keep my job..which will be difficult..

I have not confronted her on it yet. We have counseling set up to be in a few days. I don't know if i should just go ahead and confront her when she gets home tomorrow or just wait.. She has also been very civil about things when we do talk about divorce, I don't want that to change.

To be completely honest I love her so much that I could forgive this. She obviously would have to come back to me for me to do that but I know that is not what is going to happen when I confront her.

I just don't know what to do, this is overwhelming...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
434 Posts
Evinrude is correct. All the tell tale signs of cheating are there. I am sorry.

This is a text book case of cheating, and your wife has chosen to break up her family for another man. Sounds like a workplace affair with a man who does well financially, but who knows. At the very least she is having an affair.

Do not ask her about it and don't show your hand because she will lie. Snoop a little more so that you can verify your suspicions. If you can put spyware on her phone, do it asap. Consider putting a VAR in places she has her private moments: in her car, under the bed, etc. If you can afford a PI, hire one. Follow her around. It won't take long.

Once you confirm infidelity you have to expose the affair to friends and family of you, your wife, and the other man.

Be assertive. No tears, no begging, no suffocating. A soon as you are able to verify her infidelity let us know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Has she: purchased new underwear? Working out in gym or dieting in past 6 months? Sexual habits changed? Did a new position with you?
Started shaving or waxing? Dressing differently?

There may be a couple of people here say she's a classic walk away wife, this was an exit affair, you were a bad husband and she finally made up her mind, etc, etc.

Either way, she cheated. The result is the same. Nothing you can do to change her mind. Only she can. As long as you chase her, she will run from you.
The more you want her, the more she will be repulsed.

Do this: Start working out. Consider talking to your doctor and tell him what's happened. Zoloft helped me through this. I took it for about 1 1/2 months. This will be the most painful experience of your life. Don't turn down help.
Only discuss this with two trusted friends, preferably relatives. A parent is good.
Don't wear your friends out with your story. Don't tell them about all her cheating. You will find out most likely eventually.

You CAN get through this. I did. Others have. You can, too.
She hasn't changed much as far as the things you listed. But i'm about 75% sure she is cheating. Especially with what I found in her phone tonight, I found a screenshot of a meme that says "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch" then another one that says "Sometimes when you meet someone you just click. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I sure believe in the click" Don't know who she sent it to but there is obviously someone.

I haven't confronted her on what I found in her phone yet and I don't know when I should. I almost feel like I should wait around and collect more evidence. If I confront her she is just going to deny it and do better at covering her tracks. I kinda want 100% evidence before I call her out but maybe calling her out now would get her to admit it. Unfortunately I have been chasing at begging and she even says its pushing her away. This is so painful I didn't know what else to do.

I am capable of forgiving her if she shows true remorse and drops it but I'm afraid she wont even when I have 100% proof that it is happening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Evinrude is correct. All the tell tale signs of cheating are there. I am sorry.

This is a text book case of cheating, and your wife has chosen to break up her family for another man. Sounds like a workplace affair with a man who does well financially, but who knows. At the very least she is having an affair.

Do not ask her about it and don't show your hand because she will lie. Snoop a little more so that you can verify your suspicions. If you can put spyware on her phone, do it asap. Consider putting a VAR in places she has her private moments: in her car, under the bed, etc. If you can afford a PI, hire one. Follow her around. It won't take long.

Once you confirm infidelity you have to expose the affair to friends and family of you, your wife, and the other man.

Be assertive. No tears, no begging, no suffocating. A soon as you are able to verify her infidelity let us know.
Well I did some snooping and found some interesting things in her phone. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not watch the kids so we can't go out on dates. She told her mom I make her "skin crawl" when she's alone with me or when I touch her. Then in her photos I found screenshots of memes that say things like "Can't wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch" then another one that says "Sometimes when you meet someone you just click. I don't believe in love at first sight, but I sure believe in the click" Don't know who she sent it to but there is obviously someone.

I don't know if I should wait until I have more proof to confront her or if I should confront her now. She might admit it if I confront her again but it might not be enough.

Like I said in other responses I am capable of forgiving her if she were to show true remorse and come back to me. Chances are that even if she admits it to cheating she won't have remorse, she will stick to her guns so I don't know what to do. Exposing it will make her look bad but that's about all it will accomplish. I do know that down the road I will not hide the fact that she cheated when people ask why we split.

This f**king sucks that's all I can say, the pain is unbearable..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
She's cheating. No doubt. Classic textbook case.
Wants a divorce suddenly.
Doesn't love you.
Wants out fast.
Phone protected. Etc etc.

What to do:

It's gonna hurt.....
Divorce her. Do it as fast as possible. Why? Because it's going to happen whether you want it to or not, and if you do it NOW, sh may have enough guilt for you to get a fair divorce.
Protect yourself. Get a lawyer. Work with her as much as you can.

Don't wonder if she's cheating. She is. Your replacement is already present. She won't sleep with you or let you touch her for two reasons: she has lost all feelings for you and isn't attracted to you anymore, and doesn't want to be disloyal to her affair partner. Sick, twisted..... true.

I know it's going to be tough. Don't cry or plead or beg. It will just repulse her and steal your dignity.

Divorce now while she's in a hurry and get 50/50 custody of your kids.

I'm m sorry. Cheating she is. Absolute metaphysical certitude.

For you to say "it's against her beliefs" and "you don't think she is"....... welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to.

I've been through this. I can tell you how it will go, what she'll say when you find something..... "well it was never physical".

You are going to go through stages of grief. You're in the first part---- blaming yourself.
When you find out she cheated, you're going to be in shock and disbelief for a while... numbness to it.. Then anger. Be careful what you might do.
Then depression. Expect it. Don't succumb to it. Until you ACCEPT what has happened, that it wasn't your fault she cheated, and that you MUST move on, your state of mind won't improve. Yes, it's painful and will take months. When you accept it (hardest part), you'll get better much faster.

Don't try the save this, sir. Don't try to beg her back. Anything... I said ANYTHING you do to change her mind at this point will be taken the wrong way and will repulse her.
You'd have a better chance of getting her back (which is foolish-- she's a cheater) if you kicked her out tonight and told her she's trash.

Mark my words. I've been there.
Very sorry.
Unfortunately I have lost some of my dignity by begging and pleading. It is difficult for me not to because it's natural to me to do that when I'm about to lose something I love dearly. I have denied her cheating but I snooped her phone tonight and got just a little bit more evidence that she is, but not 100%. I posted what I found in the other replies. I really want 100% evidence before I confront her but I don't know if I will get it and I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut while I wait for that evidence to come up.

Should I go the aggressive route and kick her out when I decide to confront her? I'm not sure if that will be good or bad especially since so far she has agreed to go after less child support that the state mandates and has agreed to not rape me of everything financially. As much as she is in the wrong here she has the upper hand when it comes to the court system and divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,162 Posts
Unfortunately I cannot use my duty tools for personal use but I still can investigate and I have been. She has been really good at covering her tracks. She deletes her messages but to be fair she always has done that to save space in her phone. Tonight I checked her phone for the first time in our 5 years of marriage. I found her telling her mom to make excuses to not be able to watch our kids so I can go on a date with her because being alone with me "makes her skin crawl". Then I phone little lovey memes in her phone saying things like "Cant wait to say goodnight when we both go to sleep on the same bed, under one roof, have our meal on our dining table, and to lay down cuddling on our couch". I can't see who she sent them to but there is someone.. I'm pretty sure I know who it is. He is a security guard at her work. I have worked with him on duty and he knows me and he knows she's my wife... I have to keep my cool to keep my job..which will be difficult..

I have not confronted her on it yet. We have counseling set up to be in a few days. I don't know if i should just go ahead and confront her when she gets home tomorrow or just wait.. She has also been very civil about things when we do talk about divorce, I don't want that to change.

To be completely honest I love her so much that I could forgive this. She obviously would have to come back to me for me to do that but I know that is not what is going to happen when I confront her.

I just don't know what to do, this is overwhelming...
Where is your wife at now and how did you get her phone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
yes go the aggressive route exposed her at work as well.
I think I need more proof before I do that. I look at it this way, if cheating was a crime I wouldn't have enough evidence to prove her guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Right now i only have reasonable suspicion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,172 Posts
Talk to a lawyer, without her knowledge, to see if you live in a state that frowns upon infidelity. If you do live in such a state, you might be able to get divorce terms that are more favorable to you. In this case, you should hire a private investigator to gather evidence of infidelity.

If you live in a "no fault" state (one that doesn't take infidelity into account during a divorce settlement), then I would go ahead and get your wife to sign favorable terms now.

Once she signs, you can expose to whoever you want. If the security guard is married or has a girlfriend, she's the one you'd want to expose it to. This will probably cause the end of the affair and leave your wife in a position where she is more open to reconciliation with you. Her family might serve a role in shaming her as well.

Whatever you do, do not grovel or beg anymore. This causes her to lose respect for you and makes you less attractive in her eyes. Man up, be independent, show her that your life will continue happily without her. Hide your hurt. No more kisses or hugs. In fact, start spending more time away from the house so that she can feel what life is like without you to fall back on. I'd wager that the groveling resulted in the "skin crawling" feeling she now claims to have.
 
1 - 20 of 102 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top