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First of all, sorry for the length.
Last night we had a long talk with my wife where she told me that she sees me more as a brother, or someone who she cares about, gets along well, but that's that. She doesn't feel connected to me as she did before. Years ago she wouldn't have imagined life without me, now she really doesn't know whether it would be best or worse to go on without me.
We had a very difficult life together, with personal tragedies and other problems that would take a toll on anyone. However our togetherness I think was the reason why we were able to succeed. We really felt that with our love we could defeat everything and I say 'we' because it was mutual.
She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality.
I replied to her that I was always crazy about her and while she was feeling that I didn't care, I was doing everything in my power to try to help her. To be clear on the extent of what I'm talking about, I started learning acupuncture just to try and help her. Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'. Not only did I not find any, but she tagged me as selfish and uncaring as well.
I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless. Of course this wasn't a sudden decision and we spent years discussing it, and I always gave her the chance to say 'No', but my track record apparently implied that I was just trying to be nice and not honest about her saying 'No'. I had real good reasons for the whole thing, but I regret that deeply. And she never forgave me for that. Of course in my eyes she was no saint and I also felt mistreated and have many complaints, but this wasn't about her. It was about me.
All of this, she said, made us become partners in the sense that we can get along well, care about each other but we are not friends, in the sense that a friend is there when you need them, and you can depend on them. She can't depend on me. She doesn't want any kind of intimacy with me (not only sexual, but emotional as well) because that is beyond the scope of what our relationship is.
I am 200% committed to making it work. But she isn't. She said, literally, that 'that ship has sailed along time ago'. She accepts the relationship for what it is, and that's it. She says I have disappointed her too many times in order to give a chance for things to improve.
We have a baby and I would never leave him, but I also don't want to live the rest of my life in unhappiness. And I do love her and think what we have is worth fighting for.
I would be happy to hear any suggestions. She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now.
 

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To you this is all new but she’s been thinking about this for a long time, years in fact. You need to accept that when a woman says she’s done then ninety nine percent of the time she’s really done.
All you can do is concentrate on being the best father you can be.
 

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Yeah brother, it is way past time for you to leave her and start a new life.

If anything she says is true, then you need to look at yourself and try to fix yourself for you, not for her.

She is done, and has been. Odds are she has a BF already, but that really does not matter, this marriage is done.

She is done, and you should be done...
 

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She doesn't want to go to counseling so that's off the table at least for now.
Don't waste your time or your money, Like Andy said, be the best father you can be.

She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her.
Unless you left her living in a box under a bridge..... this statement has no validity. If she is so dependent that she needs a "hand-holder" to get her through life, she really should consider becoming an adult.

Anyway, when I hear hoofs....I think horses..... when I hear crap like this, I think adultery.

Her whole story is ILYBINILWY.
 

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Had one of you planned this conversation? Did your wife bring it up, or you?

We (my husband and I) seem to have followed a similar path, except for the moving country. Moving town was bad enough for me. And now I find myself at a similar place as your wife, but am hoping it's not permanent.

It's possible that your wife has been trying to get through to you for a very long time, but gave up now.
It's also possible that your wife is now depressed, and can only recall negatives.
Is she? And if so has she looked into any treatment options?

"In sickness & in health"
Your wife says that you were selfish and uncaring. She is still hurting from something big here.
Now some guys can be pretty rubbish at being carers and showing empathy. But were you selfish?
Were you her protector? Did you advocate for her if she was struggling to advocate for herself through this illness?

You also say that you were overprotective and decided things for the marriage, like moving country even though your wife strongly disagreed.
That sounds more like controlling behaviour, than being overprotective.

So . . .are you selfish and controlling in this relationship? Regardless of how much you say you love your wife. Do you listen to her and take her wishes into account. Or do you convince her that you have a better idea/solution etc.

There have been some pretty hard times throughout your marriage. You have both dug deep to get through it together. This shows the strength of your original bond.
You want to commit but your wife seems to accept the relationship as it is now.
If she has no plans to leave yet, then you can work on this and fight for her/your marriage.

Have you looked into walkaway wife syndrome, or wife checked out. There might be some advice of what not to do and what might help.
There is actually a discussion on here about how to stop a
Walkaway wife
But there are other sites that have advice, rather than discussions. The discussions could show the possible head space that your wife is in.
 

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You really need to see a lawyer then a therapist.

Make sure the lawyer is the best in your area. Then see the next 4 on the list. This keeps you stbx from using them.

Your wife is rewriting history. She is trying to make you out as an uncaring jerk. She is completely done with the relationship. I have read many situations where the spouse that expresses what your wife has is having an affair.

Read The 180 and do it. You need this to separate yourself emotionally from your wife so you can look at this rationally.

Be the best father you can by protecting yours and your child’s future from your stbx.

You can not save something that your wife has no desire to save.
 

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It doesn't sound like the wife is rewriting history. It sounds exactly like she told OP, she feels like he's a brother and years of accumulated issues have led to this, and she's not sure they should stay together.

Isn't this how it should go? She's being honest, and coming to him to tell him what she's feeling.

Nothing wrong with that and actually the honest thing to do.
 

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Real all about 'walk away wife syndrome.' seems to be the case here.
You and your wife should also read (together) His Needs, Her Needs. Sometimes couples are at cross purposes and think they are meeting each others needs but in fact are not.
 

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For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless. Of course this wasn't a sudden decision and we spent years discussing it, and I always gave her the chance to say 'No',
So you knew she strongly disagreed? And yet you did it? And you tell yourself you gave her the chance to say no, although she communicated to you that she strongly disagreed and you still did it? I find that story confusing.
 

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It doesn't sound like the wife is rewriting history. It sounds exactly like she told OP, she feels like he's a brother and years of accumulated issues have led to this, and she's not sure they should stay together.

Isn't this how it should go? She's being honest, and coming to him to tell him what she's feeling.

Nothing wrong with that and actually the honest thing to do.
If she had moved to file divorce, you are completely correct. However, she actually expects him to support her in a loveless, sexless roommate situation...

That part is not right. But at least she told the truth. The other thing is, she is most likely cheating already, I think most of us can see that...
 

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Unless you left her living in a box under a bridge..... this statement has no validity. If she is so dependent that she needs a "hand-holder" to get her through life, she really should consider becoming an adult.

Your wife is rewriting history. She is trying to make you out as an uncaring jerk. She is completely done with the relationship. I have read many situations where the spouse that expresses what your wife has is having an affair.
I disagree. Having watched my mother, my sister, and myself face serious illness and chronic disease, having emotional support is very important. From OP's post, he withdrew emotionally in order to research and learn. On her behalf, yes, but she had a medical team for that. She needed her husband in a different way. She needed him to hold her hand through the fear and pain, to let her know he was there for her on a more personal level, to share the burden in a personal way, and he failed to do that.To the mind of his wife he abandoned her when she needed him most. To add insult to injury, he admits he made decisions without consulting her and/or knowing she was in the "nay" camp. Most women wouldn't be able to come back from that.
 

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I disagree. Having watched my mother, my sister, and myself face serious illness and chronic disease, having emotional support is very important. From OP's post, he withdrew emotionally in order to research and learn. On her behalf, yes, but she had a medical team for that. She needed her husband in a different way. She needed him to hold her hand through the fear and pain, to let her know he was there for her on a more personal level, to share the burden in a personal way, and he failed to do that.To the mind of his wife he abandoned her when she needed him most. To add insult to injury, he admits he made decisions without consulting her and/or knowing she was in the "nay" camp. Most women wouldn't be able to come back from that.
I am going to disagree.
Just because he was finding was to help doesn’t mean he pulled away emotionally.
 

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I am going to disagree.
Just because he was finding was to help doesn’t mean he pulled away emotionally.
He says it himself in his OP.

"She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

" Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'."

OP's wife needed him to emotionally support her while he spent that time and energy elsewhere. Emotional abandonment.

Then OP added to the problem by doing things like this,

"I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless."

From his wife's point of view, he emotionally abandoned her in her greatest time of need and then began making decisions unilaterally, even when aware of her strong disagreement, while she was vulnerable. That's not something most women would be able to come back from.
 

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He says it himself in his OP.

"She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

" Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'."

OP's wife needed him to emotionally support her while he spent that time and energy elsewhere. Emotional abandonment.

Then OP added to the problem by doing things like this,

"I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless."

From his wife's point of view, he emotionally abandoned her in her greatest time of need and then began making decisions unilaterally, even when aware of her strong disagreement, while she was vulnerable. That's not something most women would be able to come back from.
Yes, this.

I left my marriage because of this type of emotional abandonment during a serious health issue.
 

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He says it himself in his OP.

"She says she felt that something changed when she got a difficult disease and I wasn't there for her. Or perhaps this had always happened and she just realized it by then. After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

" Similar things happened in other situations. I tried to explain her that I cared deeply about her and tried to help her in everything, and that perhaps the problem was that doing all those things wasn't what she needed of me. She just needed my understanding and companionship while I was busy looking for a 'solution'."

OP's wife needed him to emotionally support her while he spent that time and energy elsewhere. Emotional abandonment.

Then OP added to the problem by doing things like this,

"I was also very overprotective of her, and decided things on her behalf that I shouldn't thinking it was for her own good. For example I decided that we should move to a different country and leave everything behind, which she strongly disagreed but complied nevertheless."

From his wife's point of view, he emotionally abandoned her in her greatest time of need and then began making decisions unilaterally, even when aware of her strong disagreement, while she was vulnerable. That's not something most women would be able to come back from.
Then she should have said something about how he went about helping. He said he was there for her in anyway he could be.

Him not being there is from HER point of view. You know, the person that is leaving the marriage because they are done. The person that never brought it up as a issue in the marriage until she was ready to leave and heading out the door.
 

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Him not being there is from HER point of view. You know, the person that is leaving the marriage because they are done. The person that never brought it up as a issue in the marriage until she was ready to leave and heading out the door.
One of the things about marriage we count on is that our spouse will be there, supporting us, in case life throws a real nasty curve ball such as a serious illness or disease. If/when that fails to happen it is natural to reevaluate the marriage. So, she did. And what did she see?

"After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

He utterly failed at emotional support, connection, empathy, etc. when there was a crisis and he was needed the most. That glaring failure shed light on a pattern of emotional distance. And then he began making unilateral decisions "for her own good" either without consulting her or over her known objection and even decided they'd move to a different country over knowing she "strongly disagreed" because he "had real good reasons for the whole thing". Very few women would want much to do with a man after that.

We don't know whether or not she tried telling OP. He admits that he made decisions over her objections, so he clearly wasn't listening. How many times have we seen women say that they tried to tell their husbands, but the husbands basically dismissed their attempts at communication, didn't really take is seriously, thought it was just a vent, and then were "shocked" or "blindsided" when they told their husbands they were done?
 

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She is done. It seems like you were making decisions all by yourself most of your marriage, not listening to her.
it took her years to figure this out, counseling won’t change this. Let her go.
 

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One of the things about marriage we count on is that our spouse will be there, supporting us, in case life throws a real nasty curve ball such as a serious illness or disease. If/when that fails to happen it is natural to reevaluate the marriage. So, she did. And what did she see?

"After that, she noticed the same pattern repeating itself in many different situations and she slowly started to lose that feeling of closeness and developed an isolationist personality."

He utterly failed at emotional support, connection, empathy, etc. when there was a crisis and he was needed the most. That glaring failure shed light on a pattern of emotional distance. And then he began making unilateral decisions "for her own good" either without consulting her or over her known objection and even decided they'd move to a different country over knowing she "strongly disagreed" because he "had real good reasons for the whole thing". Very few women would want much to do with a man after that.

We don't know whether or not she tried telling OP. He admits that he made decisions over her objections, so he clearly wasn't listening. How many times have we seen women say that they tried to tell their husbands, but the husbands basically dismissed their attempts at communication, didn't really take is seriously, thought it was just a vent, and then were "shocked" or "blindsided" when they told their husbands they were done?
Again, this is all from her point of view.

OP did his best to be there for her.

She never said that she needed him in a different way. He never said he left her to deal with the issues on her own. He did what he thought would help her.

She never said a thing about it until she was walking out the door.

OP isn’t a mind reader, just like the rest of us. We need communication when things are going differently then what we want. That way we can improve the relationship.

It’s funny how she is able to look back NOW and realize that he never gave a damn about her emotionally. You would think that it would be a obvious thing from the start of the relationship.

OP talking this out like this, I am really starting to believe your wife is cheating on you and is leaving you for someone else.
 
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