I was respectfully disagreeing, but I will agree with you that a woman carrying a flame is deinitely possible, I just disagree with your thoughts that it’s super common. More common with men, lots more.
Wife expresses desire to meet her ex
I am new here and wanted to get an opinion on this situation.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
321 - 340 of 498 Posts
I agree with what gameopoly5 is implying. Not necessarily because she still harbors feelings for the ex, but rather because she sees him as someone she may need in the future (an asset). Meaning she will either demote him to friends-with-benefits (booty calls) status or eternal orbiter, but she will try to not lose contact. Unless you were abusive garbage. That’s different.
@John973 Did you talk with your wife? How did it go?
I do find these types of threads frustrating.
Usual husband who knows his wife is using and abusing him yet tries to make a multitude of excuses for his wife`s behaviour.
These men are weak and weak persons do not receive respect because we get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated.
What this is that these types of husbands are too emotionally attached and codependent on their wives, so they won`t confront their wives in fear they`ll leave them and don`t want to face up to their wives don`t love them.
My now second wife of 34 years marriage knew from the start that if she ever plays me for a sap we are DONE, because I have too much self esteem for myself and I am not one to be messed with. This is why throughout our marriage she has been faithful and we share a mutual respect for each other because I believe I`ve earned the right to be respected and treated with dignity.
The OP should also command respect and be a man if he really wants to save his marriage.
Usual husband who knows his wife is using and abusing him yet tries to make a multitude of excuses for his wife`s behaviour.
These men are weak and weak persons do not receive respect because we get treated how we allow ourselves to be treated.
What this is that these types of husbands are too emotionally attached and codependent on their wives, so they won`t confront their wives in fear they`ll leave them and don`t want to face up to their wives don`t love them.
My now second wife of 34 years marriage knew from the start that if she ever plays me for a sap we are DONE, because I have too much self esteem for myself and I am not one to be messed with. This is why throughout our marriage she has been faithful and we share a mutual respect for each other because I believe I`ve earned the right to be respected and treated with dignity.
The OP should also command respect and be a man if he really wants to save his marriage.
Just to be clear, I do agree that the OP’s wife has an “old flame burnin in her eyes, the tears can’t drown, and makeup can’t disguise.
This old flame might not be stronger, but it’s been burnin longer, than any spark I might have started in her eyes.”
This old flame might not be stronger, but it’s been burnin longer, than any spark I might have started in her eyes.”
II am new here and wanted to get an opinion on this situation.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
I was in a similar position years ago. My husband would be the last person on this planet to cheat. He’s just not the type. He hates cheaters. However, I was wrong. He had been having an affair for years. Now my ex.. but friends.
This intrigues me....she tells your casually she'd like to meet ex, but hasn't contacted her, yet you know the ex lives on the other side of the globe?? How do you know where he live🤷♂️We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
Isn’t that always the case? My ex swore on her father’s grave that she was not the cheating type, that she felt insulted for me even insinuating such a thing, et cetera. It’s always the same pattern over and over again. Even me telling her that I would make divorce REAL easy if she were to fall for a coworker or a friend didn’t do it.I
I was in a similar position years ago. My husband would be the last person on this planet to cheat. He’s just not the type. He hates cheaters. However, I was wrong. He had been having an affair for years. Now my ex.. but friends.
It’s all about the deceit and about not losing the access to the comfortable life the partner and the AP provides.
IT’S SICK. F-cking sick.
Did you talk to her?
Ding dong...Avon calling...hello?
I think by the OP doing a vanishing act give us our answer. NO.Ding dong...Avon calling...hello?
I am sorry, but I disagree.a) Quite extensively shows a sincere and determined desire.
b) (That) She would like to meet her ex lover shows intent to reengage, maybe to re-couple.
All roads points to her truly wanting to return to a past that she has fond memories of.
Those fond memories are luring her to a dangerous place.
She told you she wants to meet him. This screams that she still has lasting feelings for him.....
a) Quite extensively
It could also show that she is skilled at doing on-line searches and knows how to manipulate lots of data bases. I do genealogy and have access to census records, marriage, divorce, birth, death, and obituaries, plus all the Linked-In, Facebook, Find a Grave, Google, State Professional Licensing records. When you do several such searches a week, it is not hard to think about searching for and inviting to a wife's birthday party an old college roommate, one of her childhood friends, or bride's maid.
I can assure you I have no desire to sleep with any of them that I have searched for. And yes, there is that woman, I posted about that I would like to apologize to, before one of us dies.
b) (That) She would like to meet her ex lover shows
What it really shows is that she would like to meet him for some unknown reason. The reason could be harmless or harmful, it is just speculation until he finds out. The question should really be if the OP has any reason to suspect that she has a bad intent besides paranoia.
There is enough bad things in life without imagining things that may not be there.
I hope you are right.I am sorry, but I disagree.
a) Quite extensivelyshows a sincere and determined desire.
It could also show that she is skilled at doing on-line searches and knows how to manipulate lots of data bases. I do genealogy and have access to census records, marriage, divorce, birth, death, and obituaries, plus all the Linked-In, Facebook, Find a Grave, Google, State Professional Licensing records. When you do several such searches a week, it is not hard to think about searching for and inviting to a wife's birthday party an old college roommate, one of her childhood friends, or bride's maid.
I can assure you I have no desire to sleep with any of them that I have searched for. And yes, there is that woman, I posted about that I would like to apologize to, before one of us dies.
b) (That) She would like to meet her ex lover showsintent to reengage, maybe to re-couple.
What it really shows is that she would like to meet him for some unknown reason. The reason could be harmless or harmful, it is just speculation until he finds out. The question should really be if the OP has any reason to suspect that she has a bad intent besides paranoia.
There is enough bad things in life without imagining things that may not be there.
It is possible, with what we know so far.
Sometimes it hard to know whether the advice or points given by the crowd are on target or way off base. Reason is alot of folks are hit and run and often never come back to update.
That`s because they are not receiving the opinions and advice they prefer to hear.Sometimes it hard to know whether the advice or points given by the crowd are on target or way off base. Reason is alot of folks are hit and run and often never come back to update.
Quite often they cannot deal with a dose of reality.
Those that heed the opinions and advice will face up to it and return here in agreement, updates and even grateful for the advice they find on TAM.
For example, cheating women and weak men will receive negative opinions and they either accept this or they don`t, nothing to do with being way off base.
Okay @John973 since you started this thread have you talked to her yet? Your title says she wants to meet her ex, but everything you’ve Troyes says the exact opposite. If not I would just say to her while I was on our computer I saw you have done some searching about/on your ex is there some reason or were you looking for something in particular. Here is the big one I think that then you ask did you find out anything on him? Have you talked/communicated with him? Why didn’t you say anything about searching for him? Best of luck.
I talked to my wife. I told her in non confrontational manner that her mentioning she would like to meet her ex does hurt me. She was rather emotional about her hurting me. She did not mean to do this obviously. We are sensitive people and avoid hurting each other at least intentionally so she might feel hurt as much as I did. I also told her I found her online searches. She told me she was just curious about the guy, she has no feelings for him or anybody else but me and she would never meet him without my knowledge and my approval. I also asked her if she feels happy with me or if there is anything missing. She told me she has always been happy with me and feels super lucky because "you chose me". I asked her about intimacy and sex specifically and she said she is totally satisfied and does not wish anything else or change anything. She said she does not care about anything as long as she is with me.
I do not have any reason not to trust her. These are not just words, we do a lot of things to each other every day to show our love for each other.
So thank you those who tried to understand my post, me feelings. I was surprised how many people have negative predisposition. They don't know me, they don't know my wife, they don't know our marriage but they are absolutely sure my wife is cheating or plans to cheat.
And all this talk about spying on her, stocking her, tracking her... I can't believe there are people who think that happy, passionate, loving marriage or relationship in general can be built based on spying and tracking the person you love regardless of the basis. Just think about for a second that some marriages do not need setting up formal boundaries, mentioning threats or explicit consequences, they do not need "swearing on mother's grave". These marriages are made in heaven with two people loving each other. This love what makes this marriage possible. And if they do unintentionally hurt each other occasionally they can resolve this in calm, loving matter without resorting to boundaries or threats.
I do not have any reason not to trust her. These are not just words, we do a lot of things to each other every day to show our love for each other.
So thank you those who tried to understand my post, me feelings. I was surprised how many people have negative predisposition. They don't know me, they don't know my wife, they don't know our marriage but they are absolutely sure my wife is cheating or plans to cheat.
And all this talk about spying on her, stocking her, tracking her... I can't believe there are people who think that happy, passionate, loving marriage or relationship in general can be built based on spying and tracking the person you love regardless of the basis. Just think about for a second that some marriages do not need setting up formal boundaries, mentioning threats or explicit consequences, they do not need "swearing on mother's grave". These marriages are made in heaven with two people loving each other. This love what makes this marriage possible. And if they do unintentionally hurt each other occasionally they can resolve this in calm, loving matter without resorting to boundaries or threats.
And yet you had to come to a site on the internet to get feedback from these same strangers instead of having enough faith and trust in your wife and just going directly to her to ask her what was going on and letting her know what you found.
I guess my question is if after being so hurt by your wife that all you needed was the power of love and romance and trust to heal, why did you go seeking out advice from Internet strangers in the first place?
Couldn’t you have just done the magic lovey dovey mush stuff on your own?
Couldn’t you have just done the magic lovey dovey mush stuff on your own?
Glad to hear the update. It is what you should have done all along. You are poopooing some of the feedback you got here, but I think some of it is what made you act. And remember, you are the one that came here for advice. You didn't really think everyone here would think exactly as you do, did you? Is that what you wanted? If so, then why come here in the first place? in the end you seem satisfied with the outcome, that is all that really matters.I talked to my wife. I told her in non confrontational manner that her mentioning she would like to meet her ex does hurt me. She was rather emotional about her hurting me. She did not mean to do this obviously. We are sensitive people and avoid hurting each other at least intentionally so she might feel hurt as much as I did. I also told her I found her online searches. She told me she was just curious about the guy, she has no feelings for him or anybody else but me and she would never meet him without my knowledge and my approval. I also asked her if she feels happy with me or if there is anything missing. She told me she has always been happy with me and feels super lucky because "you chose me". I asked her about intimacy and sex specifically and she said she is totally satisfied and does not wish anything else or change anything. She said she does not care about anything as long as she is with me.
I do not have any reason not to trust her. These are not just words, we do a lot of things to each other every day to show our love for each other.
So thank you those who tried to understand my post, me feelings. I was surprised how many people have negative predisposition. They don't know me, they don't know my wife, they don't know our marriage but they are absolutely sure my wife is cheating or plans to cheat.
And all this talk about spying on her, stocking her, tracking her... I can't believe there are people who think that happy, passionate, loving marriage or relationship in general can be built based on spying and tracking the person you love regardless of the basis. Just think about for a second that some marriages do not need setting up formal boundaries, mentioning threats or explicit consequences, they do not need "swearing on mother's grave". These marriages are made in heaven with two people loving each other. This love what makes this marriage possible. And if they do unintentionally hurt each other occasionally they can resolve this in calm, loving matter without resorting to boundaries or threats.
321 - 340 of 498 Posts
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