Wife expresses desire to meet her ex

13532 Views 495 Replies 55 Participants Last post by TinyTbone, 2 h ago

John973

Discussion Starter · 17 d ago

I am new here and wanted to get an opinion on this situation.

I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.

We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.

She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.

How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.

So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.

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Young at Heart

· #301 · 16 d ago

There is so much to say since I last posted on the additional discussions you have had John973; However, almost everything has been repeatedly discussed.

John973 said:
I think you still miss what I feel deep inside. Before I met my wife there were girls, in my school and college I liked and was attracted to. I never approached them but with some I might have even been in love with secretly. However, since I met my wife she has ben the only woman for me. Do I remember these girls from school and college? Yes. Do I have any feeling for them? No. Even one of these girls comes to me now and tells me she has been in love with me her whole life and spreads her legs in front of me it won't even raise my heartbeat.

John973 said:
And this is most difficult part of me to handle and accept. I would rather know the truth not matter to harsh it is than not know what she really feels. I am trying to think how I can frame the conversation to make her open up and be honest with me.

John973 said:
what I am trying to stress I do not need to even say word boundaries. Our implicit unspoken boundaries are not to hurt each other.

The difficult part for me is that we never, really never had any hard talk about anything. We happened to be really compatible in absolutely everything that matters. We never had any argument or fights. We never raised any dissatisfaction with anything. This is the first time in our entire relationship we are going to have this kind of talk.

John973 said:
We don't need any formal boundaries. As I said our implicit boundaries are not to hurt each other. You cannot set boundaries for everything up front.

I was once playing in sports team with females. My wife told me she does not feel comfortable with me playing with females. so I switched to a team with males only. Do you need to specifically put boundaries not to play in a sports team with opposite sex? For me her being uncomfortable was enough not to do this again. I do not need special boundaries for this.

You and your wife get to live your lives and marriage in a way that is best for the two of you.

As a 74 year old man married to the same woman for over 51 years, I will tell you that (in my experience) there should and will be times in your marriage when you will need to have hard explicit conversations and set boundaries.

You have gotten an incredible amount of advice from people who have different experiences and they have shared that advice with you.

My observations are that you want to know what your wife feels toward this "ex" and yet you are afraid to push enough to find out. I think that the feelings you suspect are far greater than the reality of her feelings.

You also clearly don't want to discuss boundaries with your wife or have a "hard conversation."

In the words of Dr David Schnarch, "marriage is the hardest thing two people can do, if it is done correctly." His books, The Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, and Intimacy and Desire are all about how difficult and challenging marriage really is. Marriage is designed to take two different people and allow them to emotionally grow into a single family unit.

Good luck, I hope you find happiness and closure.

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Bullfrog1987

· #302 · 16 d ago

oldshirt said:
I think it is just plain different for guys.

As men, we may decline to marry or make long term commitments with a woman we are dating/sleeping with. And like your ex, we may start openly dating/sleeping with other women.

But we rarely actually formally break up
with a woman that is having sex with us.

Women initiate something like 80+ % of all break ups from jr high all the way to the nursing home.

So most “ex’s” out there are due to the female half breaking it off and leaving the male half as the dumpee.

And other than the pain and heartache of getting dumped, most men don’t really have a beef with the woman that dumped him.

So from his stand point, if the sex was at least acceptable, and since she was the one that called it off…….. if she turns back up years later eating to meet up for whatever stated reason - there’s really no reason for him not to.

Or at least not to give it a shot.

Now of course, if he’s now happily married and doesn’t want to cause any trouble with his wife or disrupt his own home and family, he may opt to not do anything dumb.

But if that’s not his motivating factor, there’s really no other reason to not at least see what she has in mind.

This is why ex flames are so threatening and such an issue for current husbands.

If roles were reversed and a man reaches out to an ex, there’s a high likelihood she will shut him down cold and hard if she replies at all. Wives know that.

But if a wife reaches out to an ex wanting to meet up, there’s a 90+% chance he’ll go for it and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to make it happen.

And if he see’s her in the same regard as I described above, he’ll be taking his vitamins and his purple pills, getting proper rest and hydration and then bringing his A-Game LOL 😆

This is why many of the guys here do not believe that the OP is taking this seriously enough and not seeing the gravity of the situation.

It’s not a level playing field. The rules that may apply to him if he tried to get with an ex are not the same as his wife getting with an ex.

💯 on point.

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oldshirt

· #303 · 16 d ago

Young at Heart said:
I think that the feelings you suspect are far greater than the reality of her feelings.

I agree with much of what you say, not just in this thread but throughout TAM in general.

I do disagree with the above statement however.

The fact that she is doing searches of him and saying she wants to meet him etc to me indicates this is a rabbit hole that may go much deeper than appreciated.

This is kind of the ol' if you think you smell a rat in your house, that means you have a number of rats in your house. And if you find a rat turd or other tangible signs of rats, that means you have LOTS of rats.

He has found a turd here.

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SunCMars

· #304 · 16 d ago

John973 said:
I am going to talk to her obviously and letting her know I am hurt.

Um, finally.

+265 posts and 14 pages later!

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SunCMars

· #305 · 16 d ago

Just hearing some of our male member responses, proves why we should not meet up with our exes.

I am sure some of the ladies have their own positive spin.
Ah, but they rarely, honestly share, do they!

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Young at Heart

· #306 · 16 d ago

oldshirt said:
I agree with much of what you say, not just in this thread but throughout TAM in general.

I do disagree with the above statement however.

The fact that she is doing searches of him and saying she wants to meet him etc to me indicates this is a rabbit hole that may go much deeper than appreciated.

This is kind of the ol' if you think you smell a rat in your house, that means you have a number of rats in your house. And if you find a rat turd or other tangible signs of rats, that means you have LOTS of rats.

He has found a turd here.

Thank you very much. I also think you are one of a core of folks who brings a lot of common sense and experience to TAM.

As I posted earlier, I have looked up some old girlfriends from high school just to find out more about them. There is one in particular that I would like to apologize for some of my behavior toward her. I hope I see her at one of the annual high school reunions for our graduating class.

At age 74 lots of my class mates are dying off, and I would like to apologize before she dies, even though she was the one who treated me badly, I reacted in a way that I am not proud of.

One of my hobbies in semi-retirement is geneaology and doing searches on cousins, uncles, grand parents, shirt tail relations is something I do a lot of. I have also done some simple searches on friends. I guess because of that doing a search on someone is not that big a deal, at least to me.

At each summer picnic, I try to sit with as many of my classmates and swap stories as I can. The old rivalries and cliques are now all long gone. Most are grandparents and have a much more relaxed attitude toward life. I have even had a few old girlfriend tell me wife that she got a good one! I can assure you that my wife has nothing to worry about from these women.

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StevieSFV

· #307 · 16 d ago

SunCMars said:
Ah, but they rarely, honestly share, do they!

That's why they compartmentalize their lives and friend-groups. They've had many millennium to perfect their craft.

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oldshirt

· #308 · 16 d ago

Young at Heart said:
Thank you very much. I also think you are one of a core of folks who brings a lot of common sense and experience to TAM.

As I posted earlier, I have looked up some old girlfriends from high school just to find out more about them. There is one in particular that I would like to apologize for some of my behavior toward her. I hope I see her at one of the annual high school reunions for our graduating class.

At age 74 lots of my class mates are dying off, and I would like to apologize before she dies, even though she was the one who treated me badly, I reacted in a way that I am not proud of.

One of my hobbies in semi-retirement is geneaology and doing searches on cousins, uncles, grand parents, shirt tail relations is something I do a lot of. I have also done some simple searches on friends. I guess because of that doing a search on someone is not that big a deal, at least to me.

At each summer picnic, I try to sit with as many of my classmates and swap stories as I can. The old rivalries and cliques are now all long gone. Most are grandparents and have a much more relaxed attitude toward life. I have even had a few old girlfriend tell me wife that she got a good one! I can assure you that my wife has nothing to worry about from these women.

Although I am 'only' 59, I am much the same way and am still on friendly terms with essentially all of my old GFs and old flames. I too like to catch up and reminisce with old friends and classmates etc.

But we are dudes and there is a different set of rules and conditions and limitations for us than for women.

While I am on friendly terms and all is well with my old GFs and love interests, no matter how much I beg and plead or what I offer or promise, none of them would take me up on it. I had my turn, I took my shot and they weren't buying what I was selling and the gig is over. They all dumped me fair and square and moved on leaving me behind. Nothing I can say or do will entice them back into my bed.

BUT, the rules and conditions and limitations are different for women. If they were to get a wild hair and were to look up an old flame and put it out there, 9 times out of 10 the guy would take them up on it and would likely roll out the red carpet for them to do so.

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Evinrude58

· #309 · 16 d ago

T

StevieSFV said:
That's why they compartmentalize their lives and friend-groups. They've had many millennium to perfect their craft.

Taking to his wife about this—- pretty much 100% guarantee he’s going to get lied to. All OP can really do in my opinion is this:

He tells her what he knows, and tells her if she wants her ex so badly that she searches him out in the web, and expresses wanting to meet him, that she can gladly pack her bags, go meet him, and he’ll have papers awaiting her return.

Then: She will have two choices, upon seeing that he’s hurt (he won’t have to tell her and sound like a wounded puppy) she can work things out with HIM, or she can come go chasing visions of romantic dinners with some cat that just wants some old flame cat.

OP doesn’t realize the egregiousness of her looking this ex up online and actually telling her husband she’d like to meet up with him.

Unless she has less than average intelligence, she knows how this makes him feel, and how it would feel if he did the same to her. That’s why I don’t feel he should treat this as a normal conversation, why he darn sure shouldn’t worry about whether his “feelings are valid”, and whether he is seen as “controlling”.

But I don’t think he will do this. He’ll talk, she will pretend she was just curious, etc etc….
And he’ll be left feeling just as bad while she does her researching in a more secretive manner than before.

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1Autumn72

· #310 · 15 d ago

.

Evinrude58 said:
But I don’t think he will do this. He’ll talk, she will pretend she was just curious, etc etc….
And he’ll be left feeling just as bad while she does her researching in a more secretive manner than before.

He needs to firmly make the point that extensively searching and wanting to meet someone after 10 years of (presumably) no contact is a lot more than curiosity, and not let her pretend otherwise. He said she gets hit on quite a bit, so the fascination with a guy from that long ago who she spent just a year with does seem suspect.

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In Absentia

· #311 · 15 d ago

I don't think the OP should have a chat with his wife. He will show weakness. There is also no chance that the wife will ever meet him, since the ex is not around the corner. It's just a pointless exercise which will damage the marriage, IMO. Maybe the OP should have individual therapy to get to the root of his insecurities.

gameopoly5

· #312 · 15 d ago

John973 said:
I am sure her motives are not to cheat on me or hurt me. she did what she did not because she wanted to hurt me in any shape or form. at least she beloved in this. I am not absolutely sure about her feelings. But feelings are not trust issue. So I do trust her completely.

I can tell you from experience most women never lose feelings for an ex.
You don`t trust your wife completely otherwise you wouldn`t have created this thread.
If you do not find this acceptable than do something about it.

If this were my wife I`d be on her case the moment I discovered she was reaching out to an ex. Confront her about this, ask her outright why she wants to contact her ex and explain this makes you feel uncomfortable, you do not find this acceptable and it has to stop, otherwise if this continues there is going to be trouble. Also ask her how she`d feel if the roles were reversed and you were in contact with an ex.

I would also consider contacting the ex and warning him to not contact your wife.

You need to grow a pair and nip this in the bud now otherwise good luck.

manwithnoname

· #313 · 15 d ago

John973 said:
And again, the difficult part is not to let her know I am hurt. The most difficult part is to make her be honest with me about her feelings.

So you want to lie to her about your feelings, but make her be honest about hers?

I have noticed you have downplayed or dismissed almost every comment.

If you’re like that in your relationship…..

Anyway, I will bow out of this one.

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Jakobs

· #314 · 15 d ago

MattMatt said:
Or the 6 foot tall Amazonian army intelligence officer with breasts so gigantic that she had to have her bras made by a specialist bra maker in London.

Wait, and you let her go?! A 6-foot intelligence officer with large breasts? You found (and released) a unicorn my friend.

Do you have any pictures? Asking for a friend…

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SunCMars

· #315 · 15 d ago

John973 said:
I accidentally discovered she (my wife) searched quite extensively for her ex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex.

a) Quite extensively shows a sincere and determined desire.

b) (That) She would like to meet her ex lover shows intent to reengage, maybe to re-couple.

All roads points to her truly wanting to return to a past that she has fond memories of.

Those fond memories are luring her to a dangerous place.

She told you she wants to meet him. This screams that she still has lasting feelings for him.

And that is why you are here.
Hear?

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Trident

· #316 · 15 d ago

gameopoly5 said:
I can tell you from experience most women never lose feelings for an ex.

You've gone out with most women? Wow that's quite an achievement.

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Evinrude58

· #317 · 15 d ago

I have found (in my meager experience) that once a woman is done, she is DONE. Although there was an exception in my case so it’s no universal. And there was probably 15 years between the breakup and meetup. But my thinking is that men almost ALWAYS carry a little flame for their exes, women are far, far less likely.

And going from a romantic, sexually charged relationship that goes stale and the woman loses interest in sex—- it will NOT change unless there’s a breakup for an extended period of time in between. I’m sure there are exceptions but I’ll bet they are extremely uncommon.

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gameopoly5

· #318 · 15 d ago

Evinrude58 said:
I have found (in my meager experience) that once a woman is done, she is DONE. Although there was an exception in my case so it’s no universal. And there was probably 15 years between the breakup and meetup. But my thinking is that men almost ALWAYS carry a little flame for their exes, women are far, far less likely.

And going from a romantic, sexually charged relationship that goes stale and the woman loses interest in sex—- it will NOT change unless there’s a breakup for an extended period of time in between. I’m sure there are exceptions but I’ll bet they are extremely uncommon.

You`ve just proven my point.

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Iadron

· #319 · 15 d ago

Evinrude58 said:
I have found (in my meager experience) that once a woman is done, she is DONE. Although there was an exception in my case so it’s no universal. And there was probably 15 years between the breakup and meetup. But my thinking is that men almost ALWAYS carry a little flame for their exes, women are far, far less likely.

And going from a romantic, sexually charged relationship that goes stale and the woman loses interest in sex—- it will NOT change unless there’s a breakup for an extended period of time in between. I’m sure there are exceptions but I’ll bet they are extremely uncommon.

I would agree with this. Anecdotal evidence of course. But from what I’ve seen across many of my friends and family it’s that when a woman breaks up with a man, she’s already exited the relationship in her heart and mind a while ago and was simply waiting for the right opportunity to make it formal. And the poor men are usually ignorant or oblivious to this and end up getting blind sided because in their minds everything was going well.

Trident

· #320 · 15 d ago

gameopoly5 said:
You`ve just proven my point.

Yes because everyone knows that when somebody relates their own personal experience it is nothing less than rock solid proof that it's that way in the entire universe.

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