Wife expresses desire to meet her ex

John973 said:

I don't agree with you. I am a leader in our marriage. I know and feel it and my wife knows and feels the same. I am leader because I make decisions and take responsibility for these decisions. My wife knows that whatever happens to her or kids I will be there and I will protect her from anything. She told me many times she feels safe and comfortable being with me.

Being a leaders does not mean unleashing your anger on the woman you love if you do not like something or feel hurt. This would be an a-hole. The reason I did not immediately respond to her is I was caught off guard and did not expect this to happen. I wanted to process this and understand how to respond or even if my feelings are valid or exaggerated.

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No one has said anything about anger and being an asshole.

People are talking about boundaries and expectation of conduct.

If you set boundaries and expectations and enforce them, then there is no need for anger or being an asshole.

You may make some decisions and you may do a good job of being supportive and such but you are falling down here and you are absolutely not showing any leadership at all.

In fact you are passively following her as she she explores her options with another man which can also be extrapolated into you also giving her your tacit approval to explore her options with other men as well.

It’s just human nature to push boundaries and do what you can without getting your hand slapped.

If you allow a child into the cookie jar between meals, he will try to take two the following day.

If you allow him to take two, then he will shoot for 3 the next day.

This is really not different.

By giving her passive approval to look into options and seeing where she can go with this guy, you’re basically saying that exclusivity is not expected and that it won’t be enforced.

If exclusivity is not expected and won’t be enforced, then why shouldn’t she have some extra fun with him?

Trident said:

You sorta did. In fact after I read "anger" I went back and reread your post because I didn't see anything that sounded angry the first time through. But it's there, right in your post, albeit somewhat open to interpretation, whether you realize

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Anger is an emotion that can get triggered by any number of things.

My point is when people are talking about boundaries and expectations, that is not the same as “unleashing” anger as the OP put it.

One does not need anger to have or to enforce boundaries and expectations of conduct.

I believe that if you have and enforce boundaries well enough, anger can usually be avoided.

I would also challenge that the risk of angry outbursts and saying and doing things one may later regret is higher when boundaries are initially allowed to be breached.

Initially looking away and allowing things to escalate runs a much higher risk of fireworks later down the road than if it were addressed from the gitgo.

MattMatt said:

I would have quite liked to have met three of my exes.

The one who claimed she used me to father her child. Or the 6 foot tall Amazonian army intelligence officer with breasts so gigantic that she had to have her bras made by a specialist bra maker in London.

Or the ex girlfriend who dumped me for a woman.

But! I realised that this was not have been conducive to anything good, so I never did.

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I actually would like another crack at a couple of old flames.

Not that I actually want to get back together with them or to ride off into the sunset with them or anything, I'll let their husbands take care of that.

Both are from when I was 20ish and not very experienced. One was an actual GF that I was in love with and was fantasizing of a future with. We dated seriously for about a year and a half (which is almost a lifetime when you're 20 and she was all that. She got into the party scene and ended up cheating on me with probably a number of dudes and then dumped me cold. Yes I was very angry with her and thought she was a skank and wanted nothing to do with her for many years.

The other was a hot and horny blond bombshell that was a "friend" and for which I was a beta orbiter for months while she had me in the friendzone while she hooked up with cooler and studlier guys. Then one night she tried to set me up with one of her girlfriends and once she saw the girlfriend giving me the googlely eyes she ended up taking me to her bedroom after the other gal went home.

That was pretty awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us and while she made a couple other invitations, when push came to shove (no pun intended) she just wasn't feel'n it and sent me back to the friendzone and then she packed up and moved out of state and I haven't seen her since although we are on social media and do talk occasionally.

So why do I want a rematch with these two, especially since they were both quite dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships you ask???

The answer is because I did not get them off or satisfy them at the time. They both had a thang for me and I believe at the time that their desire was sincere,,,,, but I failed to deliver. Now I don't mean I had ED or PE or anything. I mean I did not have the skillz or the dominance or the mojo to please them in the manner that they wanted/needed. I was young, naive, inexperienced and very beta with both of them. In short they dumped me because I wasn't good enough in bed for them at the time. They knew they could do better.

And to be fair, they were relatively inexperienced themselves and either didn't know or couldn't/wouldn't articulate what they did want/need even if I had asked.

But I think deep down, we had the basic foundation of attraction, desire and chemistry that we should have been great together, but I was not able to deliver and was not able to please or satisfy them when I had that opportunity at that time.

I think that if we could get together now that each of us has a lifetimes worth of skillz and experience and confidence and communication skills that we could really ignite between the sheets and set the room on fire

So if either of those two were to contact me with a nudge nudge wink wink and even hint at some kind of rematch,,, well you get the idea.

( now I should mention that those two in particular were instances that I believe I fell short and that I bungled it and missed what could have been a good opportunity. There are others where it was great and a good time was had by all and those are very fond memories and memories that I would like to relive. But where I don't feel compelled to challenge for a rematch to make up for my failings)



So I guess where I am going with this is I am being very open and honest from the prior lover's point of view. I assume many men may feel similar if some old flame were to contact them after many years. They may not have any desire to actually get back together as an actual couple.

But I'm willing to bet the farm that many a dude would either like a rematch to try to redeem himself or to relive some very fond memories and would be more than happy to roll out the red carpet to make it happen.

oldshirt said:

I actually would like another crack at a couple of old flames.

Not that I actually want to get back together with them or to ride off into the sunset with them or anything, I'll let their husbands take care of that.

Both are from when I was 20ish and not very experienced. One was an actual GF that I was in love with and was fantasizing of a future with. We dated seriously for about a year and a half (which is almost a lifetime when you're 20 and she was all that. She got into the party scene and ended up cheating on me with probably a number of dudes and then dumped me cold. Yes I was very angry with her and thought she was a skank and wanted nothing to do with her for many years.

The other was a hot and horny blond bombshell that was a "friend" and for which I was a beta orbiter for months while she had me in the friendzone while she hooked up with cooler and studlier guys. Then one night she tried to set me up with one of her girlfriends and once she saw the girlfriend giving me the googlely eyes she ended up taking me to her bedroom after the other gal went home.

That was pretty awkward and uncomfortable for the both of us and while she made a couple other invitations, when push came to shove (no pun intended) she just wasn't feel'n it and sent me back to the friendzone and then she packed up and moved out of state and I haven't seen her since although we are on social media and do talk occasionally.

So why do I want a rematch with these two, especially since they were both quite dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships you ask???

The answer is because I did not get them off or satisfy them at the time. They both had a thang for me and I believe at the time that their desire was sincere,,,,, but I failed to deliver. Now I don't mean I had ED or PE or anything. I mean I did not have the skillz or the dominance or the mojo to please them in the manner that they wanted/needed. I was young, naive, inexperienced and very beta with both of them. In short they dumped me because I wasn't good enough in bed for them at the time. They knew they could do better.

And to be fair, they were relatively inexperienced themselves and either didn't know or couldn't/wouldn't articulate what they did want/need even if I had asked.

But I think deep down, we had the basic foundation of attraction, desire and chemistry that we should have been great together, but I was not able to deliver and was not able to please or satisfy them when I had that opportunity at that time.

I think that if we could get together now that each of us has a lifetimes worth of skillz and experience and confidence and communication skills that we could really ignite between the sheets and set the room on fire

So if either of those two were to contact me with a nudge nudge wink wink and even hint at some kind of rematch,,, well you get the idea.

( now I should mention that those two in particular were instances that I believe I fell short and that I bungled it and missed what could have been a good opportunity. There are others where it was great and a good time was had by all and those are very fond memories and memories that I would like to relive. But where I don't feel compelled to challenge for a rematch to make up for my failings)



So I guess where I am going with this is I am being very open and honest from the prior lover's point of view. I assume many men may feel similar if some old flame were to contact them after many years. They may not have any desire to actually get back together as an actual couple.

But I'm willing to bet the farm that many a dude would either like a rematch to try to redeem himself or to relive some very fond memories and would be more than happy to roll out the red carpet to make it happen.

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My one other ex contacted me after he learned about the passing of my husband. He apologized for how things ended (he ignored me on purpose, started taking a girl he worked with to dinners with friends) rab me off essentially because he was too chicken shyt to tell me he wasn’t in love with me like I was him.

Vindication 😆 because he ended up marrying her and apparently is miserable. Which is sad, I don’t wish that in anyone. Turns out I am in fact the one who got away as is going on in another thread, clearly he was thinking and checking up on an ex. I just didn‘t play into it, not sure he was looking for that but it would have been easy to do.

So I guess it really is a heart matter. But as for fantasy, I wouldn‘t ever go back for any of that, though I know that’s not the same for him hahaha. Oh to be young and get another go at things. I’m still young enough I suppose but?
The goat strikes again! Haha

Bullfrog1987 said:

My one other ex contacted me after he learned about the passing of my husband. He apologized for how things ended (he ignored me on purpose, started taking a girl he worked with to dinners with friends) rab me off essentially because he was too chicken shyt to tell me he wasn’t in love with me like I was him.

Vindication 😆 because he ended up marrying her and apparently is miserable. Which is sad, I don’t wish that in anyone. Turns out I am in fact the one who got away as is going on in another thread, clearly he was thinking and checking up on an ex. I just didn‘t play into it, not sure he was looking for that but it would have been easy to do.

So I guess it really is a heart matter. But as for fantasy, I wouldn‘t ever go back for any of that, though I know that’s not the same for him hahaha. Oh to be young and get another go at things. I’m still young enough I suppose but?
The goat strikes again! Haha

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I think it is just plain different for guys.

As men, we may decline to marry or make long term commitments with a woman we are dating/sleeping with. And like your ex, we may start openly dating/sleeping with other women.

But we rarely actually formally break up
with a woman that is having sex with us.

Women initiate something like 80+ % of all break ups from jr high all the way to the nursing home.

So most “ex’s” out there are due to the female half breaking it off and leaving the male half as the dumpee.

And other than the pain and heartache of getting dumped, most men don’t really have a beef with the woman that dumped him.

So from his stand point, if the sex was at least acceptable, and since she was the one that called it off…….. if she turns back up years later eating to meet up for whatever stated reason - there’s really no reason for him not to.

Or at least not to give it a shot.

Now of course, if he’s now happily married and doesn’t want to cause any trouble with his wife or disrupt his own home and family, he may opt to not do anything dumb.

But if that’s not his motivating factor, there’s really no other reason to not at least see what she has in mind.

This is why ex flames are so threatening and such an issue for current husbands.

If roles were reversed and a man reaches out to an ex, there’s a high likelihood she will shut him down cold and hard if she replies at all. Wives know that.

But if a wife reaches out to an ex wanting to meet up, there’s a 90+% chance he’ll go for it and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to make it happen.

And if he see’s her in the same regard as I described above, he’ll be taking his vitamins and his purple pills, getting proper rest and hydration and then bringing his A-Game LOL 😆

This is why many of the guys here do not believe that the OP is taking this seriously enough and not seeing the gravity of the situation.

It’s not a level playing field. The rules that may apply to him if he tried to get with an ex are not the same as his wife getting with an ex.