Well you could just sit on it , And hope to gather other Intel. Or you could just flat out ask her . Why does she want to meet up with him anyway ?
Wife expresses desire to meet her ex
I am new here and wanted to get an opinion on this situation.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
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I do not want to spy on her and there is no really need to do this. We have very transparent marriage. We share everything, we know each other's passwords, we use occasionally each other's phones, we have GPS tracking app (not for spying, for safety to know where each of us all the time).Well you could just sit on it , And hope to gather other Intel. Or you could just flat out ask her . Why does she want to meet up with him anyway ?
If I need to ask her I don't know how to bring this up. First, I do not want to appear as if I am stoking what she is doing online. This will lead to her fearing me looking over her should every time she is using her phone or computer. I want to respect her privacy. Second, I do not want to appear over possessive and controlling. We never had any issues in our marriage that require really serious talk.
I do not know why she wants to meet with him. she did not elaborate and I do not ask. I think she is just interested how the guy is doing. she did not have any contact with him since they broke up.
You have to tell her. Also say how hurt & disappointed you are. Lay on the guilt. But let her make it up to you. If she doesn't bend over backwards to soothe the hurt she caused that is a problem.
As for her not cheating, rebuffing the unwelcome advances of a stranger is easy. Saying no to a guy she was previously with who she went out of her way to find. . . . something else entirely.
As for her not cheating, rebuffing the unwelcome advances of a stranger is easy. Saying no to a guy she was previously with who she went out of her way to find. . . . something else entirely.
Honestly you should just ask her what her intentions are. Only she knows at this point.
I am not sure what you mean by "bend over backwards to soothe the hurt she caused that is a problem."You have to tell her. Also say how hurt & disappointed you are. Lay on the guilt. But let her make it up to you. If she doesn't bend over backwards to soothe the hurt she caused that is a problem.
I have no doubt she is not trying to cheat. I have never dealt with cheating but I would assume people who cheat try to cover their tracks. They do not try to contact the person they want to cheat with on the same device shared with their spouse knowing their spouse knows all their passwords. And they do not tell their spouse openly they would like to meet the person they want to cheat with.As for her not cheating, rebuffing the unwelcome advances of a stranger is easy. Saying no to a guy she was previously with who she went out of her way to find. . . . something else entirely.
A couple of things,
1. She rejected those other guys because there was no emotional connection, with an xbf there clearly was.
2. You come off passive and scared. Maybe that's why she's still thinking of her ex.
You really should be confronting her on this and just as Donnivain suggested, explain how it makes you feel. If she has a poor reaction then it should really concern you.
1. She rejected those other guys because there was no emotional connection, with an xbf there clearly was.
2. You come off passive and scared. Maybe that's why she's still thinking of her ex.
You really should be confronting her on this and just as Donnivain suggested, explain how it makes you feel. If she has a poor reaction then it should really concern you.
It is probably true.Honestly you should just ask her what her intentions are. Only she knows at this point.
I wonder if what I feel is valid. Is it OK to search for your ex assuming you are just wondering how they are and not trying to cheat in any shape or form? And expressing desire to meet them again without any malicious intent? Or the hard boundaries in a marriage is absolutely no contact and no mentioning with any previous partners?
You've got alot to learn. I'm not saying she cheated, but some who do will do so in plain view by making their actions seem innocent. Right now, only she knows what she wants to do.I am not sure what you mean by "bend over backwards to soothe the hurt she caused that is a problem."
I have no doubt she is not trying to cheat. I have never dealt with cheating but I would assume people who cheat try to cover their tracks. They do not try to contact the person they want to cheat with on the same device shared with their spouse knowing their spouse knows all their passwords. And they do not tell their spouse openly they would like to meet the person they want to cheat with.
What I mean is that you tell her you saw the search history. You tell her it hurt you. You tell her it made you feel rejected, unloved, . . . whatever other negative emotions you endured. Splay your heart open for her, showing her the wounds she caused
Then look at her reaction. Is she genuinely sorry? Does she verbalize remorse? Does she offer to cuddle you? Does she reassure you? Give her the chance to show you how sorry she is that she hurt you. If she doesn't care or spins it around, lashes out about you invading her privacy & doesn't seem to acknowledge how destructive her behavior is, then you have a problem.
As for your belief that because she's so open about wanting to meet him, there can't be cheating involved, you are naive. It could be that she's just so done with your marriage that she doesn't even care if you know. She could very well be trying to hurt you. Be careful. Do no think you are immune
Then look at her reaction. Is she genuinely sorry? Does she verbalize remorse? Does she offer to cuddle you? Does she reassure you? Give her the chance to show you how sorry she is that she hurt you. If she doesn't care or spins it around, lashes out about you invading her privacy & doesn't seem to acknowledge how destructive her behavior is, then you have a problem.
As for your belief that because she's so open about wanting to meet him, there can't be cheating involved, you are naive. It could be that she's just so done with your marriage that she doesn't even care if you know. She could very well be trying to hurt you. Be careful. Do no think you are immune
This is the bigger part of the problem. You have no Idea what her intent is, if you did you would be a mind reader.And expressing desire to meet them again without any malicious intent?
You need to seriously open your eyes and stop being so passive and worried about coming off as "controlling".I am not sure what you mean by "bend over backwards to soothe the hurt she caused that is a problem."
I have no doubt she is not trying to cheat. I have never dealt with cheating but I would assume people who cheat try to cover their tracks. They do not try to contact the person they want to cheat with on the same device shared with their spouse knowing their spouse knows all their passwords. And they do not tell their spouse openly they would like to meet the person they want to cheat with.
Bend over backwards means she should do everything and anything in her power to make you feel better about her inappropriate behavior. Searching out an ex is just wrong and saying she wants to meet up with him is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. Did she say why she wanted to meet up with him?
You can never predict what a cheater will do. Some will move heaven and earth to hide things, others will do it in plain site. If my wife did an extensive search for her ex AND said, "boy, I sure would like to meet up with my ex" I would already consider that a form of cheating. You are lucky that he is so far away. If he were in close proximity she would have already met him. Normally I would say just watch and collect more evidence of what she is up to. However, in this case, given distance, I would put a halt to this right now. I'm with @D0nnivain on this one. Tell her straight up how hurt you feel and that you are totally disappointed in her putting so much thought and energy into her ex. She should be begging for forgiveness.
Same thing happened to me with my wife. I confronted her and asked her why she was looking him up and had her stop. She said she was "just curious on his life". We reestablished expectations and boundaries and haven't had anymore issues with her curiosity as she understood that looking him up wasn't worth causing a problem with our marriage. I suggest you do the same.I am new here and wanted to get an opinion on this situation.
I am have been married for 10 years, 2 kids. We have very good loving marriage overall, no fighting, rather good intimacy and romance in general. At least my wife never raised any concerns.
We share all devices and I accidently discovered she searched quite extensively for her hex. Separately from this when we talked about our past life she causally said she would like to meet her ex. I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat and even if she met him should would not cheat at least physically. I know this because in our life she was many times in very vulnerable situations and got hit on numerous times including when she was alone and she always firmly declined any advances. so I have no doubts in her faithfulness to me.
She cannot meet him in person even in theory since he lives half way across the globe. I know she did not try to reach out to him on social media or any other way.
How would you react to this and what would you do? I am very hurt by both of these facts. I did not tell her I discovered she was searching for him. Even if she is just puzzled where he is and what he is doing it is still hurtful to me. Worse, she finds something is lacking in our marriage as why would she be searching for her ex if she is totally happy? And the fact she expressed interest in meeting him only makes my feelings worse.
So what do I do? I cannot pretend as if nothing happened and just forget about this. At the same time I do not want to appear jealous or weak or controlling. I don't even know if I should bring up with her I discovered her search. She has been wonderful wife and partner to me our whole marriage. She never gave me any reason to doubt her love for me. I love her very much and cannot dream of a better woman.
T
To search for one's ex? No it's not typical unless there's an underlying reason, that is almost never as never good reasons.It is probably true.
I wonder if what I feel is valid. Is it OK to search for your ex assuming you are just wondering how they are and not trying to cheat in any shape or form? And expressing desire to meet them again without any malicious intent? Or the hard boundaries in a marriage is absolutely no contact and no mentioning with any previous partners?
No, she did not explain why and I did not ask as I was unprepared for this. I am 99% sure she is just curious how he is or which would be worse she wants to recall some memories when they were together. And she does not try to hurt me intentionally, she just thinks it is OK to be curious about her ex. I know it is hard to convince others but I am absolutely sure she is not trying to cheat on me.You need to seriously open your eyes and stop being so passive and worried about coming off as "controlling".
Bend over backwards means she should do everything and anything in her power to make you feel better about her inappropriate behavior. Searching out an ex is just wrong and saying she wants to meet up with him is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. Did she say why she wanted to meet up with him?
Yeah, I need to tell her how hurtful it for me to hear this even if there is no bad intent from her.You can never predict what a cheater will do. Some will move heaven and earth to hide things, others will do it in plain site. If my wife did an extensive search for her ex AND said, "boy, I sure would like to meet up with my ex" I would already consider that a form of cheating. You are lucky that he is so far away. If he were in close proximity she would have already met him. Normally I would say just watch and collect more evidence of what she is up to. However, in this case, given distance, I would put a halt to this right now. I'm with @D0nnivain on this one. Tell her straight up how hurt you feel and that you are totally disappointed in her putting so much thought and energy into her ex. She should be begging for forgiveness.
I really do not want to spy on her. First of all there is really nothing to spy. We have fully transparent marriage and life. If I want I can get track of her every activity and every place she has been and she can do the same. But I do not want to abuse this transparency we have. I know that I can right now type this response and she is not going to sift through my history to see what I am doing though she has all options to do this.
I want to really get to the the root why she is trying to search or worse meet him. If it is curiosity she may not understand it is not appropriate and hurtful to me what she is doing. If she misses something in our marriage I want to know what it is.
I know for sure she would be very sorry if she knows she hurt me. I know she loves me very much, she never hurt me before and she would be devastated if I tell her she did now.
@John973
In my view, searching for an ex on social media can be seen as crossing a boundary and cheating. Such actions might suggest she's reminiscing about him, perhaps even in a romantic or intimate way, and might miss certain aspects of their past relationship. It's a common misconception that infidelity predominantly arises from unhappy marriages. On the contrary, even in happy, secure marriages, one might long for the excitement of earlier days—the thrill of dating and the novelty of being with someone new.
While I can't say for certain whether your wife would actually cheat or not, I personally view searching for an ex on social media as a form of emotional infidelity. It's worth considering how she might react if the roles were reversed. What would her response be if you looked up your ex on social media and expressed a desire to meet her? This thought experiment might provide some perspective on why her actions have upset you.
In my view, searching for an ex on social media can be seen as crossing a boundary and cheating. Such actions might suggest she's reminiscing about him, perhaps even in a romantic or intimate way, and might miss certain aspects of their past relationship. It's a common misconception that infidelity predominantly arises from unhappy marriages. On the contrary, even in happy, secure marriages, one might long for the excitement of earlier days—the thrill of dating and the novelty of being with someone new.
While I can't say for certain whether your wife would actually cheat or not, I personally view searching for an ex on social media as a form of emotional infidelity. It's worth considering how she might react if the roles were reversed. What would her response be if you looked up your ex on social media and expressed a desire to meet her? This thought experiment might provide some perspective on why her actions have upset you.
So unspoken or spoken rules in a marriage is absolutely no contact in any shape or form, no searches, looks up in social media or anything about one's ex?T
To search for one's ex? No it's not typical unless there's an underlying reason, that is almost never as never good reasons.
if you don't draw your boundaries in a redline now you will in big trouble down the road: you must make clear
1- No searching for Ex - you consider that cheating
2- no talking, meeting, discussing ex
3- cant go-to gathering that Ex is attended
4- cant be friends with friends who are friends with Exs
1- No searching for Ex - you consider that cheating
2- no talking, meeting, discussing ex
3- cant go-to gathering that Ex is attended
4- cant be friends with friends who are friends with Exs
yes you got it, see my answerSo unspoken or spoken rules in a marriage is absolutely now contact in any shape or form, no searches, looks up in social media or anything about one's ex?
searching for an ex is always always a door or a hole to cheating. if the Ex picks up that your wife is searching for him or he finds out some way or the other that your wife looked at him, guess what's going to happen? the guy might know your wife more than you or knows the deep dark emotions about your wife that your wife never told you or masked well because it was in the past. guess who will Win?
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