Wife ended our marriage, what now?

WorkingOnMe said:

I'd bet you $1000 that she is either cheating or has her sights set on another. Going out all the time was a test? lol. Um, no.

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Emerald said:

Is she leaving because you are controlling & possesive?

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Familyman1981 said:

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post. I going to be honest with what I write, here goes.

I met my wife 11 years ago and we have been married for 7 years and have two children aged 9 and 6. I am 30 and my wife is 29.

We have always had a very close relationship and were very much in love. We struggled with child care when are first child was born and also with money, things were tight and it put a lot of stress on us for years (only the last year we have been ok with money) but we were happy (so I thought).

5 months ago on my wifes birthday, my wife told me she wasn't in love me with anymore (we had a argument before and she snapped). Id never thought I would hear those words from her and I was very very shocked as only 3 days earlier we had a romantic night out together (rare we would go out due to child care). there was never a day prior we never told each other "I love you".


A few days went by and i thought the anger was disappear and we would sort things out. I have never seen anger like this before.

My wife basically said she's going to be 30 next year and she "hasn't done anything with her life". She ask me to move to my mothers house for a week so she can think.

I have been quite controlling and possessive in the past and before when we argued we never resolved things and my wife bottled all these arguments up for years until boom, she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore.

That 1 week for her turned into 5 weeks before she said I could come back home but she still didn't know if she wanted to be with me. She said "were trying to see if I want to be with you"

Anyway once I was back home we stayed in separate bedrooms and most weekends she went out or stayed with her friend who lives 1 minutes walk from the house. I know what your probably thinking by now and I asked numerous time is there someone else and she said no and I do believe her.

She basically said she was testing me by going out all the time, I did some progress as we had a bit of a laugh together over those few weeks and play fighting and touching (nothing sexual) and slapping each other on the bum but no holding hands, cuddles or kisses etc.

Over the four weeks at home sometimes I would get down and she would sense this and basically see it as if I would be like that if we got back together even those if I had a bit of decent progress like a cuddle I would of been the happiest man in the world.

Over time I got frustrated with the situation as she didn't want to give me an answer to wether she wanted the married or not, she wasn't ready to give it but one I went to touch her back and she pushed away and I said I cant take this anymore and she told me that she "this isn't working and its over then"

I was devastated with the news, broke down, pleaded. I then packed my bags in anger/hurt and said I was leaving, she said "you can stay till you get somewhere sorted" I said no (I should of stayed) and went.

Two days later I asked if I could talk to her and begged her to give it another go, she said ok (still at my mums house) but two weeks later she had enough. Basically she said "ok" not to hurt me.

I asked her if we could go to counselling and she agreed. Within the first 5 minutes she basically said she doesn't want me and its was too late even though I had changed my ways. I was gutted.

The counsellor said it was probably a communication break down as we never solved any of the arguments we had as my wife would always storm off and be ok the next day.

We walked out the the session and I walked her to her car and she said even though I changed she doesn't believe i will if we got back together and I said "its 100% over and theres no going back ever/changing your mind?

She said "I cant say forever because I might release I made a mistake and would want you to get back to you in a few months"????

She also told me she cant think "rational" at the minute and she confused all the time. Yet she willing to end it in that mental state?


p.s

here is a list of things that might be relevant or not:


-She is very angry and hates to go over the same things but she is also contradictory with what she says.

-On a few occasions she told me If i left it would make her think as normally she would never believe I would go. And her also said she wanted me to treat her mean (not direct) but I guess care free attitude.

-she said if the boot was on the other foot she would of left along time ago and made me see what I was missing.

-She's been signed off work by the doctor and she has got migraines which effects her vision. She is on medication which makes her feel tired all the time.

-my wife hates her job at the minute and it puts stress on her.

-She been stressed by college work and cant keep with the deadlines.

-She never showed emotion in the past but recently Ive she tears in her eyes. (Ive wanted to help but she doesn't want it)

-she told me for years when she was younger (6) her mums boyfriend at the time was besoted with her and a few months ago when she was drunk she indirectly told me he abused her. She was the same aged as my daughter is now. She would have nightmares and wake up screaming.


========================================

I love my wife more than anything and I have been through so much hurt but If I wasn't that person in the past I guess it would of turned out like this. She said she has been unhappy for a long time but I honestly never sensed it and she never told me she was unhappy.


Its been four days since I see its properly over and I have now decided to do a 180.

Is there hope for us?


Thanks for having the time to read this...

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Machiavelli said:

There's always an exception that proves ther rule, and maybe your wife is the one. Nevertheless, normal female behavior would indicate that the following is more likely. Think about it.

Don't take the nastiness that follows personally, okay. We've all been there and we all have to face the music. We've been programmed that women don't really act this way, especially the mothers of our children. Right. Again, don't take it personal.



Your wife is hitting her sexual peak and will stay there for a few years. Highest testosterone she's ever had, highest level of self-confidence, along with the highest sex drive (she can't believe it). Guess she wasn't ready for that and the 7 year itch to hit simultaneously.



Some other guy gave her something nice for her birthday. You gave her an argument. She was already getting the mental attraction drugs going with the new guy(s). Where did she meet him, work?



After the blow up she had to keep the anger burning hot, because she hates cheating and cheaters, yet here she is cheating on her husband, the father of her children. She'd been doing it awhile and couldn't really fathom her own behavior, but your argument gave her a handle that her rationalization hamster could grab onto to justify her adultery. Once kindled, that fire has to be stoked.



Translation: "All the single girls are going out weekends and riding a fantastic carousel of young c*cks that I missed out on. I won't be able to attract young **** much longer, so I must ride now."



Translation: "I don't want you checking my thong for evidence when I come in at 4AM. I will have probably lost it in the alley behind the club, anyway."



Yeah, but she never built up to leaving until she had something going on the side.



Too much fun to quit. Women get a crack-like high from sex with new and different guys. Google PEA, dopamine, norepinephrine, brain sex. Also, she wasn't using rubbers, since chemicals in semen elevate female mood.



Translation: "If we're really meant to be together, you should be able to sense that I'm cheating on you. If you can't, you're not in tune with me. I also need to see if I can suppress my guilt adequately to enable me to move on."



You failed the ultimate sh!t test (in her mind) by not detecting, confronting, and defending your marriage while she was banging a parade of single guys right under your nose. You were so out of synch with her, you were unable to use your mind reading skills to expose her and save her from herself. Thus, you revealed yourself to be an imposter, not her true soulmate. Crazy, init?



That's the only truthful sentence out of her mouth in the last 5 months.



FAIL. This is gross weakness in the face of dire, extreme provocation. You were losing sex rank in her eyes everyday this went on. Some would say you were exhibiting so-called "beta" behavior. This classification would put you at borderline delta/gamma behavior. Follow the link and figure out where you are.



EPIC FAIL. Extremely unattractive to the female limbic system, which runs her sexual attraction.



Women don't like men who make the woman decide all the important/unimportant issues. You're the man, not her. You weren't strong enough to lead, you're not strong enough to be her man. That's a watershed moment for a woman.



Well, yeah. You flunked the test, again.



FAIL. Why would you leave? Is the house in her name or something? Oh, I get it. Your wife calls all the shots now. Not attractive.



EPIC FAIL. Men don't beg women. Women like men who are confident and in charge and hold all the cards. Those men don't beg.



It was never about changing your ways. It was the sex buzz from OM#? that caused her to suddenly seize on your argument as a pretext to start detaching and, er, opening up for other men, guilt free.



Your counselor should have recognized the signs. Most are incompetent.



Weakness, clinginess, neediness on display, again. You realize this is a huge turn-off, right?



Translation: "I can't give up all these young c*cks, just right now. Maybe me sex drive will drop off to normal in a few months and I'll get tired of riding the carousel. But right now, I'm totally addicted."



It's the brain sex chemicals. When she's with you, she gets the mellow long term attraction care-for-my-kids-and-husband chemicals that cause her to love home and family. But, when she's been out for a night on the c•ck carousel, she's on crack and craves new men.




Because it's all Bravo Sierra. That's the only thing coming out of her mouth.



Translation: "If you're really my man, my soul mate, you would be able to see right through me and discipline me and make be start behaving like a wife and mother, again. Since you can't or won't do that, we weren't meant to be."



And you would, if you ever saw her in action. She knew what she was about, you didn't. She was making that statement as being her response to you doing what she was doing. SOP for the ladies.



Migraines and bipolar go together. Bipolar and extreme promiscuity go together. Maybe or maybe not that migraines and extreme promiscuity go together. YMMV. Just sayin'.



When did that start? Naturally, I've got a hypothesis. A break up with one of the OMs at work, maybe?


Tears aren't for you (that vacant 1000 yard stare she gave you back when you were begging was for you), they're for the OM she broke up with. He probably found out about the other guys.




Possible bipolar childhood SAb survivor. She hasn't been diagnosed and even it she was, plenty of bipolar, SAb survivors aren't cheating on their husbands and kids. However, it's a few more things to think about.



It's not you, it's the other dude(s). That stuff is just the BS she tells herself. Quit drinking her Kool-Aid.



She wasn't seriously unhappy until she started bonding with one of the OM. Maybe the first guy, that maybe she met at work. Then her rationalization hamster starts up and starts rewriting the history of the marriage. You're the villain. Always. The facts don't matter, only the rewrite that justifies the adultery.



Most likely not. Too much time for her to detach, too much sexually repellant behavior on your part trying to talk sense to her, and too many men. Two weekend nights going out to the meat markets for the last 5 months: 2M X 4.3Wks X 5 = 43M. True, that's worse case, but still...



She tested you, all right. And you failed, big time.



Not everyone. But your wife isn't everyone. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Now, all that above may be completely wrong, and I hope it is. But if I'm right, would you still want to stay together?

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Sigma Uber Alles said:

One of the most exceptional posters who has literally evoked tears and laughter from me while reading his numerous posts has been Machiavelli. His responses for the most part have been so surgically on point and painfully correct that they should probably be published on their own somewhere.

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