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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all, first of all sorry for my not good english.

Me and my wife are married since 10 years and have a beautiful 4 years old daughter, we have normal jobs and conducting a common normal life in our city.

When I do any expense that is "important" (let's say more than few hundred $) I always talk about it to her, but in return she tends to spend her money away with clothes, shoes, online shopping, without telling me anything, to the point that more times she found her bank account to zero without even realing it (I saw her crying about that).

Today a box arrived at our home, a book and other printed stuff about "coaching", so at my questions I was just informed from my wife, that she started a "counseling path for self-improvement", at the cost of $3000 for 4 months, she earns $1000/month with her job, I earn more than her but we are not rich or anything like that. We have separate bank accounts anyway.

She told me that she is doing calls with that guy since a few weeks and they agreed on rates and "growing path" for her for the next 4 months.

I was really hurted about that, first because of the lack of faith she gave to me, I would for sure have talked about that with her, I always supported her in life and never tryied to put her down, second because $3000 is a very big expence for our family and I think these money are taked away to our own daughter future.

I expressed gently my regards to her about all I said. She answered me that she did not tell me anything because I would have been in contrast with her choise, so she went straight forward.

Now I feel sort of "betraied" and really feeling down...

I wonder if I am wrong in all that or how should be my behaviour now.

Thanks all for your opinions and suggesions...
 

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I am always of the mind that couples should agree on their spending by doing a budget together with some "blow money" allotted for each individual. Others here go with separate accounts with each individual sharing in common expenses and then the rest is theirs to do with as they see fit. Couples should decide what works best for them and then act accordingly.

It seems that the problem here is that the two of you have not come together to discuss and come to an agreement on how to handle money as a couple. So you need to sit down with her and begin the conversation and the two of you come up with a plan on how you are going to handle money from here going forward. Do whatever works best for the two of you. You may have to make adjustments as you go, just do so together and stick to the agreement.

Money and money fights is in the top five reasons that marriages fail so you two need to address this issue right away.
 

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You should feel betrayed, because she betrayed your trust and the expected boundaries within your marriage.

She flat out told you she suspected you would not be onboard with this large expenditure (for her “growth”) so she went around you on a major financial matter and did what SHE wanted. She doesn’t care what you think and is not being a wife / partner. This is complete disrespect and disregard for you as her husband.

She does not respect you, and that makes for a very dangerous situation. If a woman does not respect you, she cannot be attracted to you or desire you as a man. And she will start looking to replace you, if she hasn’t already.

This is actually a very dangerous situation, and goes way beyond this financial expenditure. You need to get a handle on this immediately. You need to do a deep dive into this “Self improvement” program And see what it’s about and what’s involved. And if she’s not 100% transparent with it, that’s another even bigger red flag.

You need to establish your boundaries and expectations fast. Do not respond to the situation emotionally with her, you need to be strong and steadfast with your expectations and boundaries. You need to figure out what’s going on and you may have to put a stop to this whole thing. Women do not respect weakness and despise weak men that they can push around.

She had no right to move forward in his major expenditure behind your back. If you allow this to go unchecked, she will lose even more respect for you and things will get much worse.
 

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I have recommended to clients that there is always an agreement in place for large expenditures. I insist that the agreement include wording that will preclude one spouse making a purchase that the other spouse did not want. I have seen in one case, a very large purchase that had to be returned and one where one spouse had to take a second job to pay off. This is a financial betrayal, and I am completely gobsmacked that the wife went forward with this program knowing full well that her spouse would never have agreed with this. To that end, I as the betrayed spouse would put in a call to this programmer, and cancel. Period. Wife wants it, when we do not have the funds, then she can get a second job that will not interfere with our lives at present to pay this off. If it results in an increase in income, then she is free to withdraw the monies she had to put in, if not, then it serves as a cautionary tale to fend against a recurrence. One does not know what this program entails, if anything, however, I am always suspicious of so called "personal growth" courses. They charge one f**k of a lot, for no apparent deliverables.

Behaviour is everything and in this case, this is financial infidelity and I would approach it as such. I would delve really deeply to find out how she got interested and why? If she has done this before then, I can be accepting. HOWEVER if this is totally out of character, I would dig fairly deep to uncover unsaid motivations, whatever they may be.
 

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She didn’t think you would support spending this money for her new business venture.

So she doesn’t believe you are supportive.

She went behind your back. Make her return it.

She can work an EXTRA job and save that money if she intends to spend that much.

And I’d be sitting her down to explain how she betrayed you - by not discussing it FIRST - with you!

If she intends to act on her own by making decisions by herself - she should be single!
 

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ANY expense more than a couple of hundred dollars (or whatever amount they agree on), should be discussed and agreed on by both spouses. My husband and I would never dream of spending or committing to $3k without discussing it first. No way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all for your answers, really appreciated.

I had chance to talk to her in a quiet moment when we were alone. I told her with open heart, gently but firmly too, that I cannot believe that she decided to spend $3000 ($750/month for 4 months) without even discussing it with me, that I feel (at least) not trusted as husband, that she has no faith in me, and I feel offended and hurted a lot by her behaviour.

Also I told her about that "life coach" guy that coult be easily be a fraud or who knows what, I told her that thanks to my job I had known many cases of "fake life coaches" and also people who disrupted their bank accounts after such people, and also $750/month is a rate that even the most expensive phychologist does not apply here were we live, so who is this guy with such big rates? God on earth?

I told her that she had to discuss it with me first and we would togheter take any decision or any action, because we are a family and I have all the right to don't agree with something.

She replyed to me that she did that with good intentions, because she feel "blocked", she can't express her feeling to me because she feels like guilty of her behaviours with me and with my daughter, and she wanted to get better in family life and personal life, and she thinks that this guy would be able to help her.

Personally I don't think that this is something a "life coach" would do, expecially if it is all done by telephone call and things like that.

Anyway, I convinced her for now to suspend all the process, fortunately she did not pay anything yet, but she said that she is valuing if going on or not.

Now I don't know how to help her in going out ot this "life coach" tunnel, I think she is more suitable for a professional phsycologist or something similar, maybe she has some sort of mild depression or some unbalances in her ormones or so.
 

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She replyed to me that she did that with good intentions, because she feel "blocked", she can't express her feeling to me because she feels like guilty of her behaviours with me and with my daughter, and she wanted to get better in family life and personal life, and she thinks that this guy would be able to help her.
It's great that you seem to have resolved the financial part of the issue and you understand each other's intentions better now.

Can you post more details about how and why she feels blocked, guilty, wants to improve her family and personal life?

These are all good intentions re her self improvement.

Maybe TAM members would have some wisdom to share or books to recommend to her.
 
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