She is being honest with you. It hurts her, she doesn't want to do it. But as long as your having great sex other wise...enjoy.
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Hey...maybe it does hurt her and you just get over it?

 

Bait and switch, but what can you do? Nothing. Any pressure and you'll look like a jerk.

 

If he insisted she do something she no longer wants to do he would not be a jerk. He would be insensitive though. The first thing I would think of if i were a loving husband is that she has been hurting for 3 years!! Why did she not say anything?

Was he so insistant thay he get anal that he failed to consider what she wanted. He could be more concerned for her and not be quick to accuse her of holding out on him.

The bait and switch argument is black and white thinking. There is no exploring other solutions. That is the attitude of perennially sexually dissatisfied people..

OP I hope this helps. I have anal sex with my husband but only when i am ready along with him. I'll tell you why it is important that the recipient be in control. Anal sex can be very painful even when you have received many times. It does not seem to be like other acts, sometimes it is good sometimes terrible.

It is just not the same each time. When the recipient is not aroused and really turned on, it hurts. Sometimes you are aroused and turned on and it still hurts. It's unpredictable. That is why the recipient needs to have absolute control over when it happens.

I don't know what happened to your wife but is it possible that she had no control over when you had anal sex. Put another way were you the initiator and the act took place every time you wanted? if that is so, there may have been times that it hurt her.

OP my advice is to act more sympathetic towards your wife at present. Remember you are a team not adversaries. She is not "those women with their bait and switch". She is an individual that you have known for years, is she not worth a few days of considerstion and conversation.

Ask her if at times anal sex hurt her and you did not notice. Let her know that hurting her is the last thing you want to do. Let some time go by without trying to convince her she is evil for tricking you and show her that her sexual pleasure is about both of you. She may in time be willing to try again if you make it clear that she is in control.
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OK if it really hurts her then why was she ok with it three years prior and now that were married she says no?

 

Three years ago my back could take a lot more than it can today. I'd be real pissed if I asked my SO to pick up something heavy and he said, "Three years ago you could lift it so you can do it now"
He would come off as a very uncaring person to say something like that.

I like lots of ass play but a penis up there of any size hurts profusely. I've tried everything a girl can to make it more comfortable for me but its consistently painful.

Maybe your wife doesn't derive pleasure from pain. Maybe she liked anal before or hated it and tolerated it for you but now it hurts to much to bear.

Maybe the question you should be asking us is " Why do I feel the need to physically hurt my wife for my own pleasure?"

 

that sounds actually like a reasonable answer, bait and switch!

 

Yep it's bait and switch because. You know that your wife is a horrible, selfish person who would do something like that.. she was just out to trap you, use you. Yep, that's the answer.

 

She has told you she doesn't want to do it, and why. What more do you need? Bear in mind that anal is dangerous - damage the rectal lining and potentially fatal infection can set in. Even if you don't do that, stretching the anus can lead to a range of unpleasant smelling and deeply embaressing health issues.

Best you can do? Tell her you love her, and leave her anus alone. Give her backside the occasional affectionate pat by all means, but just get over it. Her butt isn't designed for sex anyway. In the long run, you'll both be happier and healthier.

 

Woman's perspective.

If proper care and time is taken... it might have been enjoyable in the past. Since then, good possibility you didn't use enough lube, didn't spend enough time warming her up, she was too tense, and thus the "trust" is gone.

How often in the past? Once or twice, so she "tried" it, didn't like it?

 

All replies are appreciated, but I dont feel the need to hurt my wife when we do do it she doesn't complain of pain. I think personally its a control device because she knows I love it.

 

She told you why... it hurts. Not wanting to do what hurts is not a control device.

Why do you not respect her enough to believe what she says?

Anal sex is the riskiest type of sex. It causes rips. Generally they are internal so you cannot see them. It can cause discomfort for days afterwards to include problems with elimination, bleeding, infections. Sometimes the damage done never heals. There have been women here who experience this and refuse to ever do it again for good reason.

When it comes to her body you need to trust her and believe her. It hurts, she does not want to do it. End of story.

Of course you can show her how enjoyable it could be. Get her a strap on (you like toys) and let her do you. Men enjoy getting anal a lot more than women do because it stimulates their prostate. So go for it, enjoy it and lead by example.

 

Does it seem like she is less aroused during sex than she was before?

I think women are generally more receptive to anal when they are very aroused and not otherwise.

How is the sex life otherwise? Has sex declined in frequency or quality since you got married?

 

Now anal is not my thing, so maybe this advice comes easy....but I'd drop it. Yeah, it sounds like the old "bait and switch", which would pizz me off, but how important is this one aspect if everything else is fine?

It can be painful for some women, and likely even for most women if it's not done right. Personally if she's not getting a great deal of pleasure from it (either from satisfaction from doing for you, or her own physical pleasure), then I'd not want to do it. I liken it to blowjobs....there's not much physical pleasure in it for her, but she seems to genuinely enjoy doing it, so "I'm good". If she were to treat it like a chore and complain that she doesn't like it, well, I'm not going to be pursuing it from her. If she stops enjoying giving that to me though, that may point to bigger relationship issues.

Now if she starts the bait and switch with all things sexual, then I'd have a serious problem with it.

 

So...I like anal play a lot. And my wife used to love it and now as her sex drive has lessened (separate issue) she doesn't. Time, kids, just natural changes make us all different people than when we started our relationships. I don't think it is "bait and switch", but her feelings have clearly changed. You may need to get used to that. This is a tough one, versus something like oral. There can be pain involved and some women get more self-conscious over time.

 

It hurts her. Have you have something up your butt and then thrusted it in and out and been torn and sore for days after? Ya. Try it and then see how you feel.

And after kids, women sometimes get hemmoroids. Those and anal DO NOT MIX.

I just get irritated by men who think anal sex is a demand. They don't try it, but it's just something that should be done. It's a woman's butthole. If you like anal so much, go get some.

 

I agree TG. It just would have been nice if she told the truth before marrying him. Then he could have decided whether to propose to an incompatible woman or not. Instead she tricked him and cut it off as soon as she had a ring.

 

Maybe whatever has caused her to not want it anymore happened after they married. To assume that she did a bate and switch is taking a huge leap.

 

Just once I'd like to see you sympathize with the male point of view. The leap is believing she liked it before and now it suddenly hurts after marrying.

 

OK.

Then the men should go have anal sex to really know how it feels for a woman. Not once, but maybe 3 times.

 

Apparently it's a complete coincidence that she appeared to enjoy it, never complained of pain all during their courtship. Then magically on there wedding day some completely unrelated event turned her off to it. It just happened, no deception involved.

 

Where did OP state she ever enjoyed it. I suspect one could suggest that he did a bait and switch. Now that he "owns" her he can have anal every night. So maybe he pressures her every night. She loves him enough to do anal once in a while, but resents him pressuring her.

We get his perspective and not hers and we could make up all kinds of stuff. Oh well, this one time when an OP's spouse should join TAM.

 

:rofl:

NEVER MIND that my butthole was torn and infected. It's a problem!!

 

For the record, I'm not accusing YOU of bait and switch in the least. Your reason is very valid.

 

I'm also the victim of the old bait and switch. My husband told me he loved cuddling and talking about feelings. Now he doesn't. I should divorce him.

 

Yes you should. (just a smarty comment here)

 

Anal every night

LOL I loved it and it was once a month...I had to heal. You men have no idea. Godam. I like having muscle control down there. Anal would take that away for a couple days. Not pretty

 

If my husband had wanted anal more than vaginal sex, we'd have had a problem, for sure.

OP, do you ONLY want anal? Maybe she is frustrated and wants you inside her vagina...the place that was made for your penis.

 

I never get these threads. Why is anyone entitled to the behind? How is it that something from which we solely excrete has become sexual? Have you run out of awesome things to do to the vagina?

I do not believe people deliberately "bait and switch." I do believe tastes change and that is where negotiation comes in. A finger is a great compromise!

OP, if it legitimately hurts your wife, do you still want to do it?

 

Well said

 

Yea, my friend and her man were doing it in the back door and she pooped all over him.

NOT SEXY. Barf.

 

Did she REALLY?

 

Well fun discussion, but heading to the beach now. Guess no anal tonight, sandpaper anyone.

 

Just a curious question, what's the appeal of anal sex? I still don't get it...

 

Very few women engage in anal sex.. something like less than 20%.

 

I'm not really into anal either. We've done it 4 or 5 times over the last 20 years. Never before we married.

Nope I'm not impressed with anal. I do however place a high value on truthfulness, and I don't think for a second that this thread is about anal sex, despite people trying to make it so.