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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first post but I've been reading for a week now. I've been married for 9 years with3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6. The last two years have been less intimate than the beginning of our marriage. Also my potential WS has taken up running which means she gets up early to run and goes to bed earlier than I do so we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.
So heres what happened and I could use some advice... Last Friday
We went out with some friends and came home, my wife had a few too many drinks and pretty much passed out. I went to text our friends from her phone when I notice she sent a text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm while we were still out. I looked on her Facebook account and saw a string of messages. He works with a band my wife saw with one of her friends. One of the messages was from him saying
"I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was "the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"
I confronted her the next night and she says nothing happened and I believe her but it's raised so many doubts I'm not sure what my next step is... Thanks
 

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This is my first post but I've been reading for a week now. I've been married for 9 years with3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6. The last two years have been less intimate than the beginning of our marriage. Also my potential WS has taken up running which means she gets up early to run and goes to bed earlier than I do so we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.
So heres what happened and I could use some advice... Last Friday
We went out with some friends and came home, my wife had a few too many drinks and pretty much passed out. I went to text our friends from her phone when I notice she sent a text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm while we were still out. I looked on her Facebook account and saw a string of messages. He works with a band my wife saw with one of her friends. One of the messages was from him saying
"I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was "the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"
I confronted her the next night and she says nothing happened and I believe her but it's raised so many doubts I'm not sure what my next step is... Thanks
Next step is to determine boundaries. Do His Needs Her Needs together and get a handle on GNO activities.

Sounds like she is a party girl if she gets passed out drunk. BTW getting passed out drunk is a very good way to get raped. I do not see it as an excuse to have sex though. But many use it as an excuse.

I would think she needs to go NC with this guy. Unfriend him and block him on FB. NC would mean she does not go meet up with him.

Now you cannot control people but you can control what you will accept.

The thing is that you just happened on this one thing. What are the odds you know the whole story and how much of a lifestyle this is. She sounds like she is leading a single woman's life.
 

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After you confronted, how did she explain the situation?

Why did she say she texted him?

What did she say the meaning of her message was?

Did you look at the phone bill to see how frequently they are in contact?

How often does she go out at night without you?
 

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How old was the FB message you saw? Has she had time and opportunity to sneak off to meet him?

Is your wife a musician? The message could mean "play with you" as in play instruments together.

Or it could mean exactly what it appears to be and she said "YES definitely". If this is it, you have more of a problem than you appear to think. Your wife told another man she would definitely have sex with him at the first opportunity. Also the "maybe next time" comment is bothersome. It appears they have been together on a regular basis.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Her explanation was nothing would have happened but I do not believe that. She said she liked the extra attention he paid to her. I looked thru all her Facebook messages because I wanted to see if there was anyone else and I couldn't find anything there and I don't think she would have deleted those. Her text messages though could be a different story so i will check the phone records. She doesn't go out often without me maybe once every 6 weeks and she never works late. I'd like to believe this is an isolated incident so I will get the phone records and go over them with her and get explanations for any numbers I don't know
As for the guy they are no longer Facebook friends and the band hasn't played near her since the original Facebook message which was in October...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
She's not a musician so it wasn't that type of playing but it was there first meeting because the Facebook messages are over a 3 day time frame in october with the first messages being how great it was to meet the band then left our area because he talks about the next show which was about 6 hours away from me.
 

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Don't let this slide or sweep it under the rug as a one time thing.

Your wife told another man that she would have sex at the next meeting. Not "maybe" but "YES, definitely".

Her denial that nothing would have happened and she just liked the extra attention is BS.

Sex is the price women pay for the "extra attention" and she was ready and willing.

You and her need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Don't ignore this.

Edit: Her time out with her girlfriends without you would stop for the foreseeable future. You can not trust her to act like a married woman.
 

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You're doing things right. She's not.
Believe what you see and very little of what she says for now. That was a very bold text on both their parts and indicates a familiarity thats beyond just casual friendship.

Keep your eyes and ears open.
 

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She said she liked the extra attention he paid to her.
This alone is bad enough. If your wife needs extra attention paid to her, tell her she can have all she wants of it, after she gets out.

So she goes out, gets strange guys' phone numbers, texts them - you did say she initiated it with "hey," right? - because she likes extra attention paid to her? What do you plan to do about that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks for the advice my plan is to
1 get the phone records and continue to look at them every month
2 I have her passwords for her phone and fb so I can monitor
3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights

Any other ideas would be appreciated
 

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3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights

Any other ideas would be appreciated
Eliminate this FOREVER would be my first thought. She has completely blown this level of trust.
 

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Even if nothing happened, lets play this out. Six months go by and the band is playing nearby again. He contacts her and she meets him and makes good on the "yes, next time....not maybe" In my experience, people who get caught, deny and defend are more upset about getting caught then they are about the damage they've done. Think.....she's ready to risk her marriage and her family remaining whole for a fling with some random guy. Now you know who she really is.
 

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She's lying when she says nothing would have happened. What else could she say? Maybe I'm biased because my wife had a ONS with a jerk in a band but there's no way you should believe her.
If you can get her to admit things you can work to fix them but if she stays in denial you have to decide if you want to stay with her knowing this could be a problem going forward.
 

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Married nine years, crappy marriage with distancing for the last two. Let's see here, 9 minus 2 = 7 year itch. I'd say you need to start digging around.

I used to play in bands and it is not necessary for a woman to see a band more than once to play with a member. WIH did she exchange numbers with this guy? Maybe through another band mate she got to know. Dig.

Now, let's just pretend nobody tapped your wannabee WW (just for the sake of argument) this time. Since you've had distancing for the last two years, you need to realize that the distancing of the type that the BH is actually aware of is usually right after she gets her first sex with OM. YMMV, but that's a good rule of thumb. My guess is that your WW has been getting side action in ONS (band ops are by nature ONS) at least occasionally since you first noticed a problem (at a minimum).

Now in the meantime, you need to start educated yourself about women and increasing your sex rank. Both will pay off whether for you whether or not you stay together or divorce.

I take it your sex life stinks.

Here's your reading list for tonight:

Start with reading these book and blogs.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Alpha Game

Chateau Heartiste


Those links will explain how men establish and maintain attractiveness to a woman and/or women for STRs and LTRs.

What kind of workout do you usually have? What's your routine?
 
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