WIfe, Daughter and then Me.

Mike49 said:

I'm now in this place where my wife and I are disconnected and I feel like I'm just a third person who lives in this house with them.

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That's exactly what you are, and a wallet to boot.

I don't think you should jump straight to divorce without at least having a come to Jesus conversation with your wife. Divorce will blow your daughters world apart, years down the track she'll still be paying the price for your and your wife's fook ups. You need to lay it all out on the line - you're done with no sex life and aren't prepared to wait any longer, you're done with not being allowed to parent your daughter, you're done sleeping alone as a married man.

Before you do that though, see a couple of lawyers, so you have all your ducks in a row, and know exactly what life would look like after divorce - alimony, child support etc. With your wife not working it will cost you dearly financially.

Divorce isn't always the answer, especially when there's a child involved. Even with 50/50 custody, your wife will still make your life incredibly difficult - she'll be calling, texting your daughter constantly while she's with you. Then she'll meet someone, and he'll become your daughters stepfather. Another man will be living in the house with your little girl. I say all this as a stepmum and second wife.

Yo Mike,

I have two daughters. Things definitely changed after they were born. The dynamics between my wife and I slowly transformed from husband/wife to daddy/mommy. While my situation was no where close to yours I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried to give my wife a pep talk a couple times and it was obvious fairly quick that it wasn’t going to stick. Then I dropped a nuclear bomb from 10 miles high. Chit got real very quickly. I gave her the choice of being single or having an awesome marriage. At that point it didn’t matter to me which one she chose. I wasn’t angry but I wasn’t in the kind of marriage I expected from my partner and that’s what I made clear. I did some things I’m not proud of but the effects were profound.

I’m happy to say I have an awesome marriage.

Like I said my situation was no where near as bad as yours…not even close. In your case I recommend you go straight for the bomb drop.

Before heading to a lawyer I would suggest marriage counseling, and even family counseling.

Your wife does not have a strong, and healthy, bond with your child, but more of an obsessive, controlling co-dependant one. What she is doing is stifling your child. What happens when your daughter wants to sleepover at a friend's? Is mommy going to? How about when she starts to date? Or just wasn't to hang out with friends? Kids need some space away from their parents to figure out. Who they are. Maybe not at 8, but puberty is approaching quickly. And she will get sick of her mother being a constant presence in her life.

What is even more damaging is that you have been shoved out of your very important role as a father. It is your job to teach your daughter how a man should treat her. It is your job to protect and guide her. It is your job to makes sure she knows, eithout a great doubt that you will always keep her safe.

Get your family some help. Divorce is not the answer. It will only cause your wife to cling on to your child worse that she already does, and push you further away.

Your marriage may end in divorce, but it is your job as a father to make sure your daughter knows she can rely on you. Fix things with your daughter, and then deal with the problems with you marriage and wife.

I also had a situation similar to yours, although not as extreme. After our child was born my wife switched off from me and focused on our child in an unhealthy way. Our sex life became nearly nonexistent, and she quit investing in the marriage. I had very little one on one time with my daughter, and my wife always tried to be in the middle of what little relationship we did have. The bedtime routine was frustrating –– the agreement was that we both would read a story and spend some time with her each night. But my wife would go in first, fall asleep and try to stay in her bed. I could go on describing the situation but it was similar.

This type of relationship is called enmeshment. The marriage is the foundation and primary relationship in a healthy family. The proper order is: Marriage > Home environ > All children collectively > Individual children. It's the same reason it's a priority to put your own oxygen mask on first... the marriage is the relationship that sustains the family, nourishes and maintains the whole infrastructure.

As others have said, having this type of enmeshed relationship is dysfunctional, and in your case to the extreme. She has essentially abandoned the marriage, and is creating an unhealthy dependency with the child that prevents normal development and independence. Everyone suffers the effects, and for the child it's going to mean the absence of healthy modeling of what a family should be. She's teaching the child that you are an outsider who doesn't need to be respected or included. The child will learn that her primary function is to please her mother rather than develop into an independent person with her own aspirations.

In my case we divorced and I got 50/50 custody, which allowed me to have a new, unmoderated relationship with my daughter that could never have been possible otherwise. The marriage fell completely apart (open disrespect and hostility) as I tried to be assertive and insisted on proper roles and boundaries. I was going to therapy to try and learn how to fix it, but she refused to participate and deliberately undermined all of my efforts. Without effort and awareness on my wife's part there was really no choice but to divorce.

Google the terms- "mother child enmeshment families" and you will find a lot of articles about how all of this works and the impact it has. Based on my experience I don't see how you can fix a situation this extreme, but going to a family therapist will certainly help you regardless of outcome. You need to develop a deeper understanding of how unhealthy this is for your daughter, and the confidence to initiate changes for her sake and yours. Wishing you the best.

The thing is.....

The world is full of odd, strange, selfish, delusional, unpleasant, even those everyday 'commonplace', and normal folks.

If they are not compatible with your wants and needs, avoid them, leave them.

No one says you must live with them.
Nor, should you do so, if they make you miserable.

Do what it takes to make life better for yourself.

Move forward.
Make plans, execute them.

Do so, at the rate and pace your individual life affords.

Sorry good man. That is not a healthy parental relationship period. Something is wrong and it isn't with your daughter. Ours would come sleep with us at times till she was 12, but only sometimes. My was was a SAHM. We, however were both inclusive in the raising of our child. I was heavily involved due to my job allowing me the time to be there more.
People say your room mates? I say no. You're less than room mates at this point. The question is how exactly were things between the wife and you before your child? What was life like then? What, besides the daughter is the change? It seems odd that she just checked out on your relationship to easily. Dont mean to be disrespectful, but from other situations I've encountered over years from numerous other forums, whats the chance the child isn't yours? That the father was there and just gone? Now she feels solely responsible for the child and keeps you away for a reason unspoken?
Look its just a thought, dont mean alarm by it. Have you tried counseling with her to sound out these issues. They do seem pretty dramatic.