WIfe, Daughter and then Me.

I am so sorry for this.

This is intolerable in any couple under, say, 70 years old, no wait, maybe 80 years old!

There is a 50% chance that either partner could be guilty of this lack of intimacy.
But, not to the extreme that you are subjected to.

You do have not a marriage, you are room mates, and parents.

I blame her (less), as she is happy with the status quo, she is not complaining.

I blame you more because you tolerate this.

If you threaten divorce, I bet things will change for some while.

Who wants that?

You will have coerced her to do something she does not want.

If she relents, and complies, it will be that "starfish" sex, were she just lays there hoping you will soon finish.

Who wants that?

I have no answer.

Possibly hormone replacement therapy?
Or giving her low dose testosterone.

Eh, no.

I recommend divorce.

Ouch. It sounds like you were essentially a sperm donor and a paycheck.

In her mind, you exist to provide security and stability for her.

Be forewarned, if you say you are filing (or actually file), suddenly she will change all this, because you are threatening her security.

At that point, you can decide what you want to do with it.

When they can just turn the relationship on/off like that, you will realize a couple of things... first, why wasn't she just doing that the entire time, and second, that she is really only trying because she wants the paycheck and security.

The quicker you just tell her that you aren't doing the charade anymore, her love bombing will start.

ETA: it will be nearly impossible to actually recover from this in the long run.... as resentment has set in.

Mike49 said:

I'm unsure of where to go with my relationship with my wife of nearly 15 yrs.

Almost 8 years ago our daughter was born and things between my wife and I have gradually fizzled to the point where there really isn't much of a quality marriage anymore. We regularly do family things and general day to day life is good, we flood our daughter with love and attention but when she goes to bed, my wife and I go off on our own. Key issues...

My Wife:

• We decided my wife would stay home with the baby during her early years until she went to school. I had two jobs and we felt it would be tight but we could manage as it would be good for our child's early years. 4 years later our little one started school and my wife did not go back to work. Our child has been in school for 4 more years now, she has not got a job despite our conversations and our need for that income. I always felt like it would improve each time we spoke, it never has.
• Our sex life has gradually disappeared over those same years. We're in a once-a-year situation currently. I have expressed my concerns and needs many times over many years, nothing has improved - in fact is has gotten less frequent. I always felt like it would improve each time we spoke, it never has. The extent of our intimacy is limited to kisses good night.

Our Child:

• My daughter and wife have a very strong bond which is great and I love that she has a great mom and role model to look up to. What isn't great is that my wife has slept with our daughter since birth, when our daughter moved into her own room at around 6 months old, my wife moved to my daughters room with her. Our daughter turns 8 soon and my wife is still sleeping there.
• When we drive in the car, my wife still sits in the back seat with my daughter. I sit up front alone, for close to 8 years now.
• All meals, teeth brushing, story times, bed time songs etc - everything is done by my wife despite my objections and desire to be involved. She even began volunteering at my daughter's school this year. Me trying to inject myself into these day to day routines is met with friction from my daughter. I realize that I let this get to this point by not insisting I share in these activities/responsibilities long ago - I was more subtle in suggesting daddy help with some of these activities instead. My feelings at the time were that I did not want my daughter to resent me in some way by forcing myself into situations where her mom was clearly her choice. I felt it would gradually become better, it hasn't and I'm now in this place where my wife and I are disconnected and I feel like I'm just a third person who lives in this house with them.
• My wife has not gotten a job so she is with my daughter all the time and I feel like there is no oxygen for me to be a parent in even the most basic of parenting situations. I deliberately take my daughter out of the house to do various activities just so I can spend time with her in hopes of building a strong relationship.
• I am an involved father, as much as I feel I am allowed to be. My concern is being a good dad and providing a good male role model for her. My past passiveness haunts me.

Overall, my wife and I get along quite well most of the time - outside of when these significant issues arise. There are no big blow up fights or anything, we may go quiet for a day or two but we discuss issues afterwards - and yet years on I still work 2 jobs, we have nothing that resembles a sex life, my daughter outwardly wants her mom for everything... and things remain the same.

I'm at a point that I'm considering divorce to simply move on with my life beyond my wife. While I still love her, and other parts of our lives are great - I feel like the job and sex issues are too significant to simply live with. And the fact she knows how much they impact me and does nothing about it makes me feel like nothing more than a financial beast of burden. While my marriage with my wife may not be working, I feel like divorce would provide an opportunity for growth in my relationship with my daughter in future.

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Sounds like your wife has actually become codependent on the child. She needs to get out of her bed to teach her it's okay to be alone in a room without fear if nothing else. Otherwise, she's eventually going to latch onto just anyone to keep from being alone once she's older.

You not being allowed to be involved with the child is crazy. So I think you need to insist on marital or family counseling to start trying to make changes. I can't help you with your wife not wanting sex. But her clinging to this child, wanting now to follow her to her school, is overboard and not good for the child. Your child is going to be at an age where she needs to be able to embrace some autonomy.

It's good you basically get along. If you didn't, I would say divorce and get 50 percent custody. Your wife does need to work. I feel it's her clinginess with the child preventing her, but probably a cluster of things. Your wife has no schedule, so make an in-person appointment with a marital or family counselor and tell her she's going. She can bring the child along if she thinks she can bear leaving her in the waiting room for 30 minutes. Better would be to make the appointment, you take off a half day from work, and do it while the child is in school. You're going to have to be strong with her about this or she'll just blow you off. If you already know you can't stand up to her, then really, no point even stirring the pot. If you already know you'll stay no matter what is going on or what she decides to do, then just be honest with yourself. But I do think no matter what you need to insist on spending time with your child. Take her to a park or whatever.

If the subject of divorce ever comes up, just know that in the US, it is now the norm for each parent to take care of the child 50 percent of the time, split custody, with the other parent NOT involved during that time. In other words, it would be you and only you taxing her around for your half of the week, you feeding her, getting her ready for school, being sure she does homework.

I think your wife needs to understand that if it comes to that, you will definitely want joint custody and she would not have anything other than phone access to the child when you had her. She probably thinks if you divorced her, that she would get sole custody. That's not the norm in the U.S. for quite some time now. If you insist on 50/50, you should get it.