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Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.

Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up).

The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.

Reading between the lines, it appears as if you think it is her responsibility to make you happy. I am sorry to burst your bubble but the only person who can make you happy is you. If something is making you miserable then confront it and deal with it. Being passive aggressive and stonewalling are sure fire ways to turn off your wife and for her to look for her bliss elsewhere. Stonewalling has got to be one of the worst things anyone can do, and is often a precursor to a failed marriage. You need to see your role in all of this.

You sound like a petulant child 'how can she be happy when I'm not happy....?" maybe she chooses to overlook your bull**** and fill her life with things that bring her joy, perhaps you could learn something from her. You sound far too intense. She could well be on TAM complaining about this husband who never wants to see her point of view but shuts her down, so she ends up raising her voice, but then he gives her the silent treatment......see where I am going with this? Get over yourself and deal with your issues like a mature adult.
 

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Get the MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER from amazon. Your biggest problem is she has lost respect for you. Respect is earned not given.
When you do have sex is she enthusiastic and are you both satisfied?

Does she have sexy underwear she doesn’t wear around you? She works out, do you? Are you in good shape? Has she changed anything she in her personal groomIng?
 

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When a woman is putting the moves on me I always tell my W, but I never try to pass it off as innocent.

An earlier poster had mentioned that the OM is an orbiter waiting for an opportunity and I agree, the OM has his eyes and ears open and his mouth delivering honey in small doses.

What I suspect about this OM is that he is good at the long game, your W may become his confidant after he marries consulting about his issues with his new wife.
 

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When a woman is putting the moves on me I always tell my W, but I never try to pass it off as innocent.

An earlier poster had mentioned that the OM is an orbiter waiting for an opportunity and I agree, the OM has his eyes and ears open and his mouth delivering honey in small doses.

What I suspect about this OM is that he is good at the long game, your W may become his confidant after he marries consulting about his issues with his new wife.
The problem is that the "long game" doesn't mean you have time to spot what's going on. It just means someone is waiting for the opportunity and planting the seed. That opportunity can come up very, very quickly. That's why it is so important, if you see anything that makes you at all comfortable, to act quickly and have that talk with your partner about boundaries.

The first sign of ANYTHING, including, perhaps especially, those things that quickly turn out to be completely innocent... that's when you have to go over things. Have that talk. And if you're concerned that having that talk is uncomfortable and might reveal things that are going to make things a bit rocky in your relationship... well geez, what do you think happens if you wait until you realize you SHOULD have had that talk???!!!
 

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All we know about your W is what you’ve told us, but something pinged your gut enough to come online looking for answers.

That’s not conclusive, but experience tells us you’d be foolish to ignore it. More often than not your gut is right.

Hold your cards close and keep your eyes wide open.

If it’s possible, you may stop by her work unexpectedly to take her to lunch. See what reaction you get from W, potential OM and coworkers.
 

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If she is on her phone on a date night, then you’ve taken her on a boring date night. Take her rock climbing or something - hard to go on your phone then.
I'm going to vehemently disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?

Only the extremely rude, arrogant, and completely ungrateful sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP.

Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?
 

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I'm going to vehemently disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?

Only the extremely rude, arrogant, and completely ungrateful sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP.

Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?
I agree with this 100%. Wife and I have a "no electronics" rule for our date nights. We are amazed when we sit in restaurants and see one side of a couple eating in silence while the other is typing away on their phone. Saw one couple arrive at a restaurant and as soon as they placed their order, the woman's phone rings and she gets up from the table and walks away to talk on the phone. She's gone for 30 minutes. Meanwhile the guy eats dinner alone. This type of behavior is rude and disrespectful and should not be tolerated by anyone.
 

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Oooooh edited because I mixed you up with another poster who rhymes with you! So terribly sorry!!!

Great advice. I'm trying not to just focus on the negatives. I need to tell her praise for all that she does. Which is a lot.

Dates haven't been all that frequent. Last one was not great as she was on her phone most of the time. (Did not like me bringing that up).

The fact that she says she is happy when I say I am not is tough to get by. I don't understand how she can be happy knowing I'm not.

Reading between the lines, it appears as if you think it is her responsibility to make you happy. I am sorry to burst your bubble but the only person who can make you happy is you. If something is making you miserable then confront it and deal with it. Being passive aggressive and stonewalling are sure fire ways to turn off your wife and for her to look for her bliss elsewhere. Stonewalling has got to be one of the worst things anyone can do, and is often a precursor to a failed marriage. You need to see your role in all of this.

You sound like a petulant child 'how can she be happy when I'm not happy....?" maybe she chooses to overlook your bull**** and fill her life with things that bring her joy, perhaps you could learn something from her. You sound far too intense. She could well be on TAM complaining about this husband who never wants to see her point of view but shuts her down, so she ends up raising her voice, but then he gives her the silent treatment......see where I am going with this? Get over yourself and deal with your issues like a mature adult.
 

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you really need to be more assertive. She knows she can shut you down and keep you at bay.

Women will never in a million years tell you this but they like a man who can defeat all their **** test and keep them on a short leash when he wants.
truth!
 

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You have had lots of advice about what to do. I'm thinking how you do it--the spirit in which you act is really important. Be genuine. Let all built up resentment go--remember you can only change yourself. You are making your marriage better and this may be a last ditch effort.

Flirt with her. Look at her with new eyes. Hear her with new ears. Touch her with new feeling. If you have to work hard to do this, that is part of the effort. Let your love and respect for her radiate like when you first were dating. Forget for a while what you want, but, in the end, do not let her walk all over you.

Why is she on her phone? Games? Work? Friends? Habit? What I ask is counter to many men here, but from a female perspective. If she continues to disrespect you after your ongoing effort--over a period of time--not just false pretention, open communication, maybe with a counselor, is needed to see if there if any future to work on.
 

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It's just that regardless of him trying again as you say SM, it's doubtful she will want it. But l am in agreement it really doesn't cost him anymore than a little time and outlook of his life. But the thrill of new and acting out like playing. Is the kibble's that she is hooked on. Nothing more it is not as complicated as one thinks. She's been doing it for some time it is now just in the hiding in plain sight one could say.
 

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Coordinating a costume with a male co-worker is not cool at all. You need to make sure the wife of this coworker gets that pic and the background info. Let his wife put the heat on him because she will KNOW that her husband is trying to put the moves on another woman.

Doesn’t mean anything is happening yet but these things move fast. Openly doing that in front of their colleagues would have raised a few eyebrows but they still went forward. When they get sloppy like that, it’s because of the fog. Many people have seen coworkers that obviously have a thing going on that they’re trying to hide but people notice the glances and body language.

While keeping your eyes open, I advise that you start working on yourself. Not for her but for your benefit. Start hitting the gym hard. Getting in shape will not only boost your self esteem but also your T levels. Also up your game when it comes to your appearance. I’m talking about your hair, beard, clothes, hygiene, etc. liking what you see in the mirror will completely change your outlook.
 

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I'm going to vehemently disagree with this. This behavior is UNACCEPTABLE and the OP shouldn't have to continually entertain this woman every single second in order to keep her attention. Why is it all on HIM?

Only the extremely rude, arrogant, and completely ungrateful sit on their phones like a foolish teenager when someone has taken the time and effort to TRY to have a nice time with them on a date night. Your wife is an arrogant, disrespectful person, OP.

Why do you STAND for that kind of disrespect?
Carrot and the stick.

The carrot is doing something fun and exciting in your marriage.

The stick is walking away if her phone comes out.

It’s very hard to argue when you’re being reasonable, rational, and have well formed boundaries.
 

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Discussion Starter #114
She was texting the baby sitter about the kids a few times which was one of her friends. So they were probably chatting more than the regular baby sitter. She was also on FB a few times.

You have had lots of advice about what to do. I'm thinking how you do it--the spirit in which you act is really important. Be genuine. Let all built up resentment go--remember you can only change yourself. You are making your marriage better and this may be a last ditch effort.

Flirt with her. Look at her with new eyes. Hear her with new ears. Touch her with new feeling. If you have to work hard to do this, that is part of the effort. Let your love and respect for her radiate like when you first were dating. Forget for a while what you want, but, in the end, do not let her walk all over you.

Why is she on her phone? Games? Work? Friends? Habit? What I ask is counter to many men here, but from a female perspective. If she continues to disrespect you after your ongoing effort--over a period of time--not just false pretention, open communication, maybe with a counselor, is needed to see if there if any future to work on.
 

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For anyone who thinks it is normal for a male and female co-worker to coordinate their costumes, I have a bridge to sell you!



Oh, wait! Dayum. Well, looks like that idea ain't gonna work, either! :rofl:

Jokes to one side, it's disrespectful and it gives people the wrong impression.
 

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MattMatt where did you find that GIF?
Google! Google is my friend! And Google can be your friend, too! :rofl:

I just Googled 'bridge blowing up' and took it from there.
 

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I don't think any of think your wife's behavior is okay or your fault. It is common to enable bad behavior and have no idea that's what you're doing, which is why we are pointing this out to you, so you will understand what's happening and how to stop the cycle. Hopefully it's not too late, because it sounds like her relationship with her coworker is on the wrong path and even without him neither of you seem happily married.
 
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