Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
We have been together for 10 years.

Recently my wife decided she wanted to work 4 days a week only. She stated she just decided she values her time now away from work based on her life experiences (not all good, but nothing at all of out the ordinary growing up)

We do fine financially, but certainly her extra 20% income would be put to great use for travel, house renos etc. that we both we want.

I was ok with this in the beginning but now have be become extremely resentful over the fact. Very not ok with it.

I thought to myself, if she was making 20% less BUT working 5 days a week, would I be ok with that? Totally. Although the extra monies would be wonderful, it is not that. It is the case that we are both 40 years old and I just think 5 days a week is not a bear for her to deal with at this time. It would help the team alot and the funny thing is one of her biggest worries is money! So it would be beneficial all around.

I would like to work 4 days a week as well, but I know it would be financially not great for us.

Just wondering what others think of this situation. Perhaps I have become jaded on our entire relationship that I am not thinking straight.

I have pushed a bit on her working 5 days but definitely got the sense that if I told her she needed to she would get upset and not do it. So I do not see the point of pushing it at this time. Maybe that is wrong too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
We have been together for 10 years.

Recently my wife decided she wanted to work 4 days a week only. She stated she just decided she values her time now away from work based on her life experiences (not all good, but nothing at all of out the ordinary growing up)

We do fine financially, but certainly her extra 20% income would be put to great use for travel, house renos etc. that we both we want.

I was ok with this in the beginning but now have be become extremely resentful over the fact. Very not ok with it.

I thought to myself, if she was making 20% less BUT working 5 days a week, would I be ok with that? Totally. Although the extra monies would be wonderful, it is not that. It is the case that we are both 40 years old and I just think 5 days a week is not a bear for her to deal with at this time. It would help the team alot and the funny thing is one of her biggest worries is money! So it would be beneficial all around.

I would like to work 4 days a week as well, but I know it would be financially not great for us.

Just wondering what others think of this situation. Perhaps I have become jaded on our entire relationship that I am not thinking straight.

I have pushed a bit on her working 5 days but definitely got the sense that if I told her she needed to she would get upset and not do it. So I do not see the point of pushing it at this time. Maybe that is wrong too.
Do you have children?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I never plan to work more than 3-4 days a week. The extra days are used making sure the house is cleaned top to bottom, grocery shopping, doing washing, making sure the house is filled with good home-made food. This allows us to have the weekend and evenings free of doing all those necessaries and 'catch up' stuff so we can spend it together going places, doing what we want and enjoying being together. Win-Win.


That originally was the plan, but really nothing gets done on that day, nor have any chores been taking over by her.

We have no kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
326 Posts
OP.....Be happy I have been married 34 years of those 34 wife has worked 14 and only 2 of those 14 were full time. I would be thrilled, if my wife would do, what yours is doing.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,714 Posts
We have been together for 10 years.

Recently my wife decided she wanted to work 4 days a week only. She stated she just decided she values her time now away from work based on her life experiences (not all good, but nothing at all of out the ordinary growing up)

We do fine financially, but certainly her extra 20% income would be put to great use for travel, house renos etc. that we both we want.

I was ok with this in the beginning but now have be become extremely resentful over the fact. Very not ok with it.

I thought to myself, if she was making 20% less BUT working 5 days a week, would I be ok with that? Totally. Although the extra monies would be wonderful, it is not that. It is the case that we are both 40 years old and I just think 5 days a week is not a bear for her to deal with at this time. It would help the team alot and the funny thing is one of her biggest worries is money! So it would be beneficial all around.

I would like to work 4 days a week as well, but I know it would be financially not great for us.

Just wondering what others think of this situation. Perhaps I have become jaded on our entire relationship that I am not thinking straight.

I have pushed a bit on her working 5 days but definitely got the sense that if I told her she needed to she would get upset and not do it. So I do not see the point of pushing it at this time. Maybe that is wrong too.
Your wife sounds like an entitled child. Don't see there's much you can do about it, can't force her to work 5 days a week or pick up more tasks in the home etc.


She's obviously got a fundamental belief that you'll always be there.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
530 Posts
tell her to clean the damn house on the day she doesnt work. And you expect dinner on the table when you get home from work. :D


(i cant really say much though my wife works 0 days)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
462 Posts
this weeks 4 days a week, early next year 3 days and downward it goes..seems like she has you owe me complex,especially with no kids..next she'll say you gotta pick up extra hours cause you're short.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
269 Posts
If there is a good reason , health, children, doing the domestic chores for the benefit of both of you, then fine

But you are describing a one way street. There is benefit only to her in the arrangement and none for you. Indeed you carry more of the expectation to earn the cash.

She sees herself as entitled. Its been said on other threads. You have to decide how entitled you will allow her to be
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
97 Posts
As you both work, do you share the household responsibilities equally?

Would you feel differently if you had kids & your wife decided not to work?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,986 Posts
To me this is no different than not being on the same page about your joint budget - definitely a bad thing. It would be the same as if she said, "I'm going to take $100 week from my paycheck just for me" without discussing it first with you. And if you are carrying any debt on credit cards or mortgage which you probably are, it really makes no sense. That income could be used to pay down debt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,578 Posts
It sounds like a money thing. Maybe you need to explain that with the 20% income loss, there are certain things that will have to be scaled back, such as travel. If she values those things, she may reconsider.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Yeah, you have reason to be resentful.
1. She didn't talk to you about this. a 20% reduction in income is a decision BOTH parties have a say in
2. She's not making up the difference. If my wife CHOSE to work 1 day less per week, just to have more "wife time", I'd fully expect she'd do more housework. It's not fair for me to work 5 days and then be expected to do 50% of the housework. She should do the percentage of housework that you do in paid work.
3. If she's "set in her ways" you're not going to change her. You can't "force" her to work but you can control YOUR things. You can say, you have no issue with her working 4 days but she's still responsible for 50% of the household expenses. You want to separate finances and contribute 50% each towards the bills. That way you get to spend the money YOU make, and she has all the freedoms with her work. If she wants to work less, then she's going to have less money. It's her choice either way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
319 Posts
I didn't get a CLEAR sense that this was something she just did on her own without any discussion. It really sounded more like she decided she wanted the 4-day week, they did discuss it beforehand and he was originally ok with it.
I was ok with this in the beginning
If there was discussion & agreement in advance, then this changes the dynamic. It isn't that he can't change his mind, just that he shouldn't resent her for something they both agreed to. And approaching her with a change of heart has to be handled differently.

Canada - can you clarify if this was discussed and agreed to beforehand? If so did you agree just to be a "nice guy"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
I didn't get a CLEAR sense that this was something she just did on her own without any discussion. It really sounded more like she decided she wanted the 4-day week, they did discuss it beforehand and he was originally ok with it.
If there was discussion & agreement in advance, then this changes the dynamic. It isn't that he can't change his mind, just that he shouldn't resent her for something they both agreed to. And approaching her with a change of heart has to be handled differently.

Canada - can you clarify if this was discussed and agreed to beforehand? If so did you agree just to be a "nice guy"?
I totally agree with you in regards to the fact that if it was mutually agreed upon ahead of time, then it needs to be handled differently, but I didn't take that statement as them having a discussion ahead of time, I just took it that his wife decided to do this and it didn't bother him. Now I could be 100% off base because it's total conjecture right now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
I didn't get a CLEAR sense that this was something she just did on her own without any discussion. It really sounded more like she decided she wanted the 4-day week, they did discuss it beforehand and he was originally ok with it.
If there was discussion & agreement in advance, then this changes the dynamic. It isn't that he can't change his mind, just that he shouldn't resent her for something they both agreed to. And approaching her with a change of heart has to be handled differently.

Canada - can you clarify if this was discussed and agreed to beforehand? If so did you agree just to be a "nice guy"?
We discussed in the beginning. It was initially mentioned it was due to her depression. Now I have found out that is not the case, it is simply because she only wants to work 4 days.

I agreed initially because it was based on her illness. Now that the real reason has surfaced, I guess I am not sure why she would not work 5 days. It would definitely help us out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
107 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
I totally agree with you in regards to the fact that if it was mutually agreed upon ahead of time, then it needs to be handled differently, but I didn't take that statement as them having a discussion ahead of time, I just took it that his wife decided to do this and it didn't bother him. Now I could be 100% off base because it's total conjecture right now.


I should also clarify that upon reflection, I think resent is not the right word. I think I am disappointed.

When we first discussed, it was mentioned she would perhaps clean the house, pick up groceries, etc. What has happened so far is that she sometimes does pick up dry cleaning etc, but no chores have changed. She has used the time to do not much around the house, and nothing to better her health (ie physical activity for her depression now that she has an extra day)

And yes, there are definitely underlying issues. She has always given me extreme grief for spending $5,000 a year on clothes vs her say $2,000. I have a six figure salary and I do not see an issue with spending that money each year on work clothes etc. In my mind, she spends more than me when you factor in the loss of income. But I do not think she would see it that way ;)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
I'm a stay at home wife because my husband wanted me to be able to do what I've wanted to always do. Which is a stay at home wife LOL. I always have everything cleaned and tidy and laundry, dishes, the whole sha-bang covered as far as house-wifey chores.

But that was our deal. I told him since he was allowing me to stay home, that I would take care of the rest. I'm talking dinner on the table when he gets home and all. He literally just sits as he pleases when he's home from work.

My advice is that your wife needs to pick up on the extra things that she wanted to do, such as chores, to keep her end of the bargain. It's not like it takes all day long to do those normal chores around the house. Never takes me very long at all honestly at the age of soon to be 30 ^^;. But you have to be nice about it when you bring it up so she doesn't feel forced into it =)

EDIT: I read that some health issues were a concern for this too. She's got to feel good about herself before she'll get the "want' to do things. I had suffered some depression in the past myself, and i felt like even getting out of bed was a hassle before I got some help. Get her some help on that and feeling well again. then she'll have that get-up-n-go to get things taken care of! =)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
319 Posts
We discussed in the beginning. It was initially mentioned it was due to her depression. Now I have found out that is not the case, it is simply because she only wants to work 4 days.

I agreed initially because it was based on her illness. Now that the real reason has surfaced, I guess I am not sure why she would not work 5 days. It would definitely help us out.
I am only grasping at straws here, but is it her saying she is not depressed? Do you see signs of depression? Based on the "bait & switch", if that's accurate and the grief over spending (it's work related, not toys or self gratification), I can understand your position.

I think you already said if you really pushed her to go back to 5 days, she would probably not which does not leave you many options. Would she go to MC? And do you think it would help?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Have you guys discussed what she is expected to do on her day off? If it's for depression (whether necessary or not) she should attend an IC session, participate in some sort of activity, etc? Maybe if you ask her what she wants to do to improve her depression on that day and sort of hold her to it by following up when you come home. And if the answer is nothing, ask why she needs this extra day if she's not making any effort to change the circumstances that drove her to make this choice.

If the emphasis (accurate or not) is on the depression, she will probably be less likely to take it personally and it will come across as concern about her well-being vs. monetarily motivated or the possible resentment due to the unfairness.

And yeah, I think you should have to do less around the house. Personally if I had a day off every week I could clean the whole house while loads of laundry are running. Then again, I have a relatively small house!
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top