[Stillupset]

Hi all. I'm hoping by actually writing this down that it will help me somehow, or that there are those of you out there who can offer me some advice on coping. I'm not doing a great job of it myself.

I've been married to my wife for almost 15 years now. 3 years ago, while I was traveling quite a bit for work and was only home on the weekends, she woke me up in the middle of the night and told me she needed to tell me something. I thought she was going to say she forgot to pay a bill, or had gotten a speeding ticket. I never suspected she had cheated on me.

It seems that a few years after we had been married, I was working late one evening and she had gone to a dinner party with her family. She had not driven herself there, and the person she came with left early, so when the time came for her to leave, her cousin's boyfriend (and later husband) offered to take her home. She said that halfway home, he began to tell her how much he had always liked her, even before we were married, and how attractive he found her. He pulled over and kissed, her, and in her words "I didn't act appropriately". She never would elaborate, only saying that he took her home "after a while". I have known this person for years, we have taken fishing trips together, tailgated for football games, helped each other move, for years. According to her she couldn't take the guilt anymore. What I suspect actually happened is that he was about to get divorced after cheating on his wife, and she was afraid it would come out.

This was the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. I had to leave town the next morning for a week, after being told this. It took me a month to get to the point where I could talk to her. I never did confront him about it, I just don't think I could do it without punching him. When we finally did talk about it, she just cried and told me she was sorry and that she loved me. I told her that I forgave her, but I truly never have been able to. I can't watch a movie or a TV show where someone is unfaithful without thinking about it. I still haven't gotten over the hurt from it. I never yelled, never lost my temper when she told me. I just buried it. I know that isn't healthy, especially since it has just festered all this time. I don't know what to do. I'm still angry about it, I'm still hurt. I don't want to know the details, but at the same time, I need to know exactly how far this went. (or I think I do, I don't know if that would make it worse or better)

Advice? Insight? As I said, after we finally discussed it and I told her that it could never happen again, we have never discussed it. I know she was relieved to have it out in the open and me not leave, but I'm bothered by it almost daily. I know I love her, and we have 2 fantastic daughters that I love more than life, but I'm still hurting.

 

[TDSC60]

You have forgiven her but you really need to know what you were/are forgiving her for.

Tell her that it is still bothering you and ask for details or at least how far did she let him go. It sounds like that is what is bothering you.

It is still bothering you because you know that some type of sex was probably involved or could have happened. Did she stop him at some point or did they have sex?

He took her home after a while? Did she make out with him for "a while".

Too many unanswered questions and it will continue to bother you until you get the truth.

 

[Jonesey]

When we finally did talk about it, she just cried and told me she was sorry and that she loved me. I told her that I forgave her, but I truly never have been able to.

This below is why you never truly forgave her,and still struggling..You and your wife basically rug swept it for so long.




I just buried it. I know that isn't healthy, especially since it has just festered all this time. I don't know what to do. I'm still angry about it, I'm still hurt. I don't want to know the details, but at the same time, I need to know exactly how far this went. (or I think I do, I don't know if that would make it worse or better)

Advice? Insight? As I said, after we finally discussed it and I told her that it could never happen again, we have never discussed it. I know she was relieved to have it out in the open and me not leave,They all are.But what about you?

but I'm bothered by it almost dailyAnd you will keep feeling that every day..You need to sit down with your wife and
explain ,what you just wrote...To many unanswered question will do that to you..

Are you willing to share the few details you already know??

Easier that way to base answer to you.


I know I love her, and we have 2 fantastic daughters that I love more than life, but I'm still hurting. Address ,as soon as you can ,try not to drag it out.

 

[jnj express]

It is your sub--conscious that is causing you these problems---it just may be that because you do not really know what happened, your imagination, is on the loose, and filling in the gaps for you----you may never be able to heal without knowing

If you do need to know, force her to take a polygraph---or actually, she should of her own volition tell you exactly what happened

You say your wife loves you---what kind of love is that, that she allows another man, to have sex with her----she could have stopped it, and she did not---what is her reasoning---if she was satisfied with you and the mge, and her family, especially with her kids, why would she risk everyone, and everything---for nothing---for that is what that sex was---NOTHING

On top of all of that---she has lied to you by OMISSION, for all of those years-----you need to decide what you want to do---but living in misery is not the answer

Do you have anywhere near the relationship you once had---or is your mge tainted-------she most certainly is not the woman you married----she would not have done this to you

What accountability has there been for your wife, what boundaries, have been set in place---what ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES are there for your wife

Remember, you only get one trip thru life on this planet, you are not handling your post A., life, cuz your morale fibre is damaged, your carefree life is gone, your peace of mind is gone, and your trust is shot---she not only cheated on you but hid the act, and lied about it----what you are going thru is normal, for what has been done to you

Question really becomes, what do you want to do about it, or intend to do about it---or will you spend the rest of your life suffering in misery, while you have visions, of your wife on her ONS, with her lover, as your wife merrily goes thru her life, just as it was before her ONS.

 

[Acabado]

You never dealt with it. It's what happens when you hide things under the carpet.

You need to reach out, to demand a full disclosure, to deal with your pain.

You gave cheap forgiveness.

 

[Thor]

Get the book "After the Affair" and both of you read it.

Are you afraid of her reaction if you bring up your concerns?
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[CH]

Go and read struggline4ever (spell check) thread. He buried it for 11 years before it boiled over and by then it was too late. He was done, gone, finished with the marriage.

He let it fester too long and it killed his love for his wife. For the next 11 years, his wife became the perfect wife. Even he admitted that she could not have done anything more than she already did to show him that she was remorseful and loved him only and no one else.

Don't wait too long. BTW OP has not forgiven his wife yet. He's just there to be there. He still loves her but he's probably not been all there for the past 3 years. And your wife has probably been walking on eggshells waiting for the day when you'll blow and kick her out.

Sometimes you gotta blow your top to get everything out. Things might be said that you might regret but deep down that's how you're feeling. After it comes out it'll help you heal but the funny thing, you never know if you'll stay with her or up and leave.

When you finally heal, everything becomes clear and you finally see what you are supposed to do, either stay with her or leave her.

BTW, your intuition as to why she finally spilled the beans is correct. She was going to take it to the grave with her. There was guilt but playing the martyr to save your spouse and family from the shame has been played over and over and over by cheaters. We say we want to spare your feelings but the truth is, we're trying to save face so people don't look at us and say, CHEATER.

Now that it's out, you're playing the role of the martyr now, taking one for the team. She played her part already but had to spill the beans before it got out. Now it's your turn for the sake of your daughters.

Sit her down, tell her you're still hurt and you're not sure the hurt will ever go away. BTW you know the source of your pain right? She's sleeping right next to you. Either fix the wound to heal or take a knife and cut out what's causing the pain.

 

[the guy]

This sh1t is like an iceberg, there is always more to the story then the wayward tells us. Hell they get this off there chest but have buried so much crap that they lose the reality of there wrong donig.

They just face the one time that keeps them up at night, all the other times are blocked away.

My point here is prepare your self for the trickle truth that seems to last for ever. There is always more, but the pain they have to offer is to strong to give it all at once.

 

[TBT]

I don't see a problem with you bringing it up after 3 years...I mean she never brought it up until after 12 years.Tell her you need to get it out in the open and that you shouldn't have glossed over it in the first place....like the way her guilt bothered her for years,the way you dealt with the revelation has been bothering you for awhile.Good luck.

 

[the guy]

Get the book "After the Affair" and both of you read it.

Are you afraid of her reaction if you bring up your concerns?
Posted via Mobile Device

:iagree:
"After the Affair" by Janis A Springs is a good book, a must read IMHO

 

[aug]

Are you sure the daughters are yours? A paternity test is a cheap tool to confirm, about $100.

 

[Stillupset]

I brought it up. I told her how I had been feeling, and that it had been eating away at me since the day she told me. It didn't go all that well.

She started off by saying that she felt completly blindsided by the conversation, and that she had already discussed this, and wasn't willing to do so again. I didn't let it go, and demanded that she talk to me about it. I told her that every day that this crossed my mind, and every day that it made me angry or I felt hurt that I didn't tell her, I was being dishonest with myself and with her, and that I could not live like that. I told her I wanted to know exactly what had happened, how it happened, and why it happened.

She said that it came out of the blue, and that he had been driving her home, with him talking about a woman that he had feelings for, and how much she meant to him. He pulled over and told her that he was talking about her, and then kissed her. She said they spent a while (she could not/would not give an amount of time) making out in the car and "heavy petting" but no sex. She said she started to feel uncomfortable and asked him to take her home, and that he did. According to her, for years (until he got divorced) that when they saw each other in public he would tell her "To the grave, it's our secret" and that she always felt like she couldn't say anything for fear of upsetting her family (he was married to her cousin by then) and hurting our marrige. I asked why she didn't put a stop to it as soon as it started, instead of letting it continue, she said she knew it was wrong but was feeling bad about herself at the time and it made her feel good to have another man hit on her.

I don't get that part. Hell, I don't get any part of it. When I met my wife the first time, I fell in love. I made a commitment to do whatever it took to make her happy, to protect her, and to be faithful to her above anyone else. Due to the nature of my job, I have met women while working, that have come on to me and tried to get me to have dinner with them, have a "friendly" lunch, and even had one tell me "It's okay that you are married, I don't mind and she doesn't have to know." Every time, I've said no, I've reminded them that I am married and that I'm not interested. I have even gone as far as to tell my wife that a woman was coming on to me, and that I had rebuffed her advances, just because I didn't want to hide anything from her, so I don't understand the whole "it made me feel good about myself" argument.

She said she feels like she will never be able to stand on level ground with me because of this, and that she feels like she is not deserving of the way that I love her, and I truly do love her. She said that now she feels like everyday that we have spent together since the day she told me has been a lie, and that when she felt like our marriage was stronger and better each day, that I have just made her doubt that. On some level, I'm glad she feels that way, because that is how I have felt since the day she told me.

With regard to him, I know what he did. I know that he made the statements he did to her were made to control the situation, to make sure he had power over her. I'm not saying that I don't blame her for anything, because she willingly went along with it. I guess what really gets me about all this is the fact that after it happened, he sat right next to me in my house and played buddy-buddy. He played with my kids. We even make him one of their godparents, and this was AFTER he had done this. (but before I knew of course) I guess I'm trying to find out, should I be as hurt as I have been? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Should I just be thankful it only went as far as it did and stop internalizing it? She says she put it away long ago, and that she has moved beyond it and that I should too. She says she is upset now because she feels like I have put this back on her. We didn't speak after this last night, and didn't speak this morning before we left for work. I guess I'm still trying to figure out if I'm an a**h*le, or a chump.


Oh, and as far as a paternity test is concerned? Not interested. My girls have known only me since they day they were born, I'm the only Daddy they have ever known, and I'll not put them through anything like that. They have done nothing at all to deserve any resentment from me, and that is how it will stay. It wouldn't matter to me if my wife left right now and told me that the girls had 10 possible fathers, they are my daughters and they always will be.

 

[Saki]

Get the book "After the Affair" and both of you read it.

This was going to be my response as well. The author wrote a second book, "How can I forgive you?" that is also a great read.

I would suggest you get a male individual couselor to help YOU through this process.

You should know your feelings are not out of the ordinary and this is an EXTREMELY difficult thing to deal with.

Also, there is nothing wrong with decking the other guy.

EDIT - also this is something you will have to deal with forever. It dosen't go away. It gets less painful but the pain never disappears. The way your wife is dealing with this is also typical. While I wouldn't put too much effort into understanding why, she did say it straight up - his attention made her feel good. End of story. Now, your desire to further discuss this makes her feel bad...that's really her motivation behind wanting to move on.

 

[Entropy3000]

She needs to be totally NC with this guy. There is likely more to this.

I personally would confront this guy. But I would do so knowing what I was going to do. He preyed on your wife. She is to blame butb he needs to be held accountable. Your choice.

 

[RWB]

...She said that it came out of the blue, and that he had been driving her home, with him talking about a woman that he had feelings for, and how much she meant to him. He pulled over and told her that he was talking about her, and then kissed her. She said they spent a while (she could not/would not give an amount of time) making out in the car and "heavy petting" but no sex. She said she started to feel uncomfortable and asked him to take her home, and that he did.

StillU,

Been there... It is the same story everytime. They met one-time... They only kissed... Just some "petting".

Rarely is this the truth. Due to marriage, they have been in some form of contact for years on end. Your wife's reluctance to discuss is her means of avoidance of the truth. There is a good chance she and OM were meeting for sex many times, maybe years before it disolved.

 

[river rat]

Still, Saki's post is spot-on. Read both those books. Do not rug sweep this; it will continue to fester, and it will destroy your family. It will take years until the pain is no longer so acute, but manage it like you would any other injury. Nurse it when it hurts. Be aware of the triggers that cause it. I wouldn't advise punching the guy out. That could easily get out of hand and land you in jail. I've been where you are now. I'm still married to my wife, and happily so. This can get better, but you have to work on the relationship and on yourself. Buena suerte.

 

[theroad]

StillU,

Been there... It is the same story everytime. They met one-time... They only kissed... Just some "petting".

Rarely is this the truth. Due to marriage, they have been in some form of contact for years on end. Your wife's reluctance to discuss is her means of avoidance of the truth. There is a good chance she and OM were meeting for sex many times, maybe years before it disolved.

This is why you must schedule a polygraph test for your WW.

Then for your peace of mind DNA test your kids. Your kids do not have to know they are being tested or the results.

The affair with the OM must be exposed. You must tell WW parents, Grand Parents, siblings, OMW, OMW parents, OM parents.

When exposing the affair state that there must be NC with the OM, OMW, their kids, and you, WW, and kids forever.

 

[aug]

I dont think StillU wants to dig any further than what he has now. I dont see how it can be settled without the whole truth. Wife will not willingly tell him anything. And having the OM stay buddy buddy, be a godparent, etc, after they makeout (or more?) seems so wrong in so many ways.

 

[Dad&Hubby]

One thing you could do to try and drum up the truth without going as deep as polygraphs etc is to confront OM.

But confront him with, my wife told me EVERYTHING, allude to or out right state that the two of them had sex. Watch his reaction. If it's "What the heck are you talking about, we kissed one time blah blah" then there is probably validity to your wife's story but if its anything else, you know there's more.

 

[jnj express]

Your wife, wants this to go away---why shouldn't she---she cheated, she sat right there in that car with her in law, and let him passionately kiss her, even as she looked at her wedding ring, and knew she was married------

She wanted to feel good about herself---that is total BS---if one is happily married, they feel good about themselves---not being hit on by other men, and knowingly "dissing" your spouse---if that is what made her feel good---she has problems

Only she knows what went on in that car-----you allegedly will spend the rest of your life with this woman(maybe not), you are entitled to know what she is all about

Let me tell you---if she were to tell you what happened, and it was more than passionate liplocking, which was bad enuff----she KNOWS her mge, just might be on the rocks----your wife is not stupid---she knows she could be in for a heap of her own misery, if there is more to this story, and she gives it up

Question now becomes, WHAT DO YOU WANT-----You just may doubt your mge, the rest of your life, if you are not satisfied in your quest for the WHOLE truth-------your wife is now fighting you tooth and nail, to put this away, and keep it away

Bottom line she is a cheater, even if it was many years ago---and she needs to be treated like a cheater, if that is what you feel is necessary----she does not get to make demands---

The kissing is bad enuff---considering she let it happen, and wanted it to happen------so for that alone, she needs to be accountable, and if the only grief you are putting her thru is to get at the whole truth---then you should feel free to do whatever you deem necessary to get at that truth---if the POLY is the way to get that truth---then demand it----it is your sanity and mental health that are on the line---SHE DOES NOT FIGURE IN---she gets no input----your ballgame, your rules!!!!!!!