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o.k. so the title is partialy misleading. sorry but your reading , right? I need help here, we all have sob stories,,...... here's mine. Honestly after 2 nights of no sleep and typing this on night 3 I just hope its comprehendable. I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity. Didn't work this time. See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive. Add on top of that that several times I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this was because i never let her just go out and party (without me). Sorry, she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom". Now I'm not a wealthy man, average by this economy. Everything we've ever done was for her. It gave me pride to give her new kitchen, new bathrooms, new furniture, new carpet and wood floor. wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children. I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life. She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing? i saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him. BOOM!!!! I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House). Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored. Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow. I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there, I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her), I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total callapse for forgivness, she smiles. A freind told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it. I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom. When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter. he kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number. She was tore up however that she was hurting him. I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once. After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times. then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding KIDDING!!!! after all this, i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure. I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave. I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother.

~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck......
 

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Clif notes. Guy on 3 days no sleep.

I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity.
Didn't work this time.

See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive.
I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this [cheating] was because i never let her just go out and party without me.

She said she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom".


--- wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children.
I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life.

She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing?
I saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him. BOOM!!!!

I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House).

Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored. Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back.

I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow.
I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back.

She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there,

I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her),

I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total callapse for forgivness, she smiles.

A friend told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it.

I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom.

When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter.

He kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number.
She was tore up however that she was hurting him.

I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once.

After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times.

Then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding

i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure.

I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave.

I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother.

~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck......
 

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I don't get it! This guy has just poured his heart out, looking for advice, and you two give him advice on his grammar and writing structure! And only that! Shocking!

Well pain, there will be plenty of advice givers here for you, and I imagine most will say pretty much the same thing. Even those two sarcastic twits above, they are both good advice givers. The general gist of what you need to do won't be what you want to do. But really, I mean really really, it is the only way forward.

And you do need to be strong!

You need to be prepared to let her go to save your marriage and to NOT become a doormat. Doormats are not attractive. You need to be prepared to let her go because those who care least about the relationship hold the most power over it. Also, you don't want her to go....she will then have the power to continue as she pleases while you are scared of pushing her away - this would be the best route to really push her away.

The best route to hold on to her is to have a think about what you want and what you need. How would you envisage your happy relationship? Her not going out alone anymore? She has shown herself to be a danger to herself, to you, to your marriage. She needs to NOT go out alone anymore. She needs to make it up to you, she needs to be upset that she might lose you through her action (if she is not upset then you know how she really feels about you, and do you want to be a partner in love with someone who doesn't love you?) she needs to show through actions that she will do anything to keep you. She has given up Facebook...that's a start. She has written a NC letter/text, ok. You basically need to lay down the law now about her ridiculous 'freedom' whines.

Freedom is NOT going out to meat market bars and getting drunk. While your husband is at home babysitting. Freedom is never as shallow as that. If she wants to act single, she needs to go and be single.

It is tricky to know exactly what to tell you here to male your penny drop. I hope other posters will put it more eloquently than I will....I am sure they will. But basically you have to man up. She has s*at all over you and you need to stand up for yourself now. If you do not she will perceive you as weak, pathetic, and she will feel righteous in her wish to carry on doing as she pleases. If you stand up to her, you will be perceived as strong, strength is attractive in a man, and she will have to come down from her ridiculous stance to please you, to get you to take her back. That is what you need to do.

Man up and stand up for you, for your child (children?) and your family.
 

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Ohhh, I do hope I haven't fallen for JB! I thought I was pretty good at spotting the trolls!

pain, are you a troll?
 
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Ohhh, I do hope I haven't fallen for JB! I thought I was pretty good at spotting the trolls!

pain, are you a troll?
It doesn't matter, Remains. Your advice still stands and will be appreciated by the OP or someone else who, in terrible pain, stumbles on your answer and finds solace in it.
 

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You are just in the initial stage, want to have her back. Now you have her, maybe and reality is now setting in, SHE DESTROYED YOUR MARRIAGE!

1. Do not have sex with her until she and you are tested for STD's, protect yourself.
2. Get her to write out a Timeline so that you know all that occured.
3. Get a VAR or several and hide them to monitor her.
4. Tell her what you expect of her and write it out so that she can see it. These are the requirements if we are going to R
5. See an attorney for an initial consultation on Divorce, Know your options.
6.Make sure you expose this affair to her family, yours.
7. Let her know she put her children at risk by taking them to a strangers house and possibly putting them in DANGER. (Leaving a 3 year old in a Strange Man's house, and exposing her to be known by someone who has little or no morals who would sleep with another man's wife, what else would he do?) Sorry this really irritates me that his wife would also expose a baby to a sexual predator. Yeah, anyone who sleeps with another person's spouse and they know it is a sexual predator in my book.
8. From what you have written you are in for a lot of emotional pain. Make sure you take care of yourself, exercise, eat right.
9. Give your wife the article on Forgiveness it tells what she has done to the marriage and maybe it will help to open her eyes.
10. Make sure NC and have your wife write a NC letter and mail it. Read it yourself and you mail it! Don't trust her to do it as she has proven she cannot be trusted,
11. Listen to what others such as Warlock, MattMatt, Sara 8, Bandit, Moritori and others say from this site they have given good advise into others in this situation.
12. Good Luck
 

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Pain,
This list is excellent! These are all frequent recomendations here.
Being soft and indecisive at this point is like ignoring a rattle snake bite.
If you dont take firm and complete action, you will be hurting your wife, marriage and yourself.

There is a poison in you wifes system and your marriage, she introduced it.

On top of that you are in the worst possible emotional shape of your life to deal with it.

Can you pull yourself together enough to be tough?
 

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I don't get it! This guy has just poured his heart out, looking for advice, and you two give him advice on his grammar and writing structure! And only that! Shocking!
Er no.
It was hard to read. A lot of the regulars try and read all the posts. I just did a minor edit to make it easier to digest. Not intended to insult the OP. The poor guy hasn't slept for 36 hours, been there. Done that.
 

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I've been with my wife for 20 years, married 9. where to start, o.k. simple, she cheated, and I had my suspicions that she was up to no good. I tried cutting her off by hinting to her about her suspicious activity.
Didn't work this time.
See, one of our biggest problems is She's beautifull and very naive.
She is not beutiful anymore. She is doing something that is very, very ugly. You need to stop seeing her as your friend and lover of 20 years.
I caught her lying to me about smaller stuff, it's led to mistrust. she now wants me to believe that this [cheating] was because i never let her just go out and party without me.
It was good that you set YOUR boundaries.

She said she doesn't BLAME me but she has said "i just felt so trapped" "theres a whole world out there I dont get to see" "I just wanted some freedom".
Translation.
I was bored with you and I wanted the freedom to screw this guy or any other I chose and you said no.


--- wow, cut to the chase, I take care of her. She doesn't work, she told me she dreamed of being home for the children.
I treat our 2 children like gold, and according to her and all of her friends i talk to, she has an amazing sex life.
She better start looking for a job I think.

She tells me 3 days ago she kissed a man and theres marks,... huh WTF! from kissing?
Had sex before that.

I saw the hickie's and told her to lay it out there, the truth. then she told me while i was working she took my 3 year old daughter to his house, put her on the ground with playdough and went in the next room to have sex with him.
BOOM!!!!
They almost always try and reduce the affair. This is away worse than you think at the moment. I suspect it has been going on for some time.

I think you call it D-Day here.I tried giving her easy outs like "tell me this was a fling and i dont know how but we'll work past it" she says i think i love him. I asked where my daughter was while she destroying my life. *** I blew UP!!! she left (his House).
She has fallen in love. NOTHING she says to you is going to be the truth. If she looks you straight in the eye when she tells you something. It is a lie. Don't tell her you know this!

Ive had all of her family and all our neighbors over here helping. everybody is floored.
Sounds like you exposed it. That is the best way to kill an affair! Well done!

Yesterday afternoon she texts a neighbor (her Friend) tells her all shes doing is thinking of me and that this was a mistake, she wants to come back. I texted my wife and said "if you really dont love him and your sure, come home now." she responds she will be home tommorow.
I WAS PISSED! I'm thinking if that is a mistake you grab your shoes, grab your keys and never look back. ]She tells me she's to drunk and distraught over what shes done. she wants to wallow. I did not want her to stay there,
I offered to have her friend come get her(she said it felt like we were tryiing to control her)
I told her if your ashamed to come home use the card, get a hotel for the night. response was just I'll be home Tomorrow. She's home now, been here 14 hours. very quite, has said she's sorry but no breakdown no total collapse for forgiveness, she smiles.
You were telling her your wishes and she decided they were worth nothing. She is seeing you as a constant and has relegated you to "friend" status

A friend told me its a defensive mech for her. so i'm trying to look past it.
It isi not a defensive mechanism. It her wanting to bang her new love before coming "home" for as long as possible.

I told her I want to rebuild but this is a huge battle and i cant fight it alone. she says she's here 100% but seams hesitant when make any threat towards her freedom.
You can not rebuild at this stage. You need to look after yourself and your kid. That is your job right now.

When she got home i asked her to shower (didn't want his stench to trigger my anger) she did. then WE used her phone to send him the "its over, it was a mistake" letter.
He kept texting back and she agreed it would be best to block his number.
She is doing what she needs to do to keep you on the high alert. She knows exactly how to manipulate you after being together 20 years. DO NOT BELIEVE THIS RUBBISH

She was tore up however that she was hurting him.
And she will be back to him the first chance she gets.


I told her you started this train wreck and this is how you fix it. We also banned him from her FACEBOOK (its the devil billy, haha sorry). FACEBOOK WAS HER LIFE but i think shes agreeing that it has to go. I have made appointment with marriage counsler for us. but it wont be for another 2 days. figuring we cant not talk .... were doing some carefull dialog. sady, i found out she didnt sleep with him just once.
After the D- moment. she went there cried and then slept with him 2 more times.
and the rest. This is trickle truth.

Then i find out that even the next day when she was telling me she wants to come home she slept with him 2 more times that night ( she says alot of this was the whole new meat thing, i get that... for the 1st time. then she says the last 2 were more of a "i allready ****ed up i might as well get it out" WTF again? and here's the kicker, NO CONDOM. while she does get irratated down there by condoms i'm now screwed with a wife that could queit possibly be pregnant. and yes she lives.. kidding
They never use a condom. Ever.

i love her to much and thats the problem. She's on the next couch over (wrap around, sectional) because she's exhausted (to much sex???). when she said will you come up to bed i told her no, she asked where i was sleeping (couch) and then asked if she could be in the same room (other couch). obviously i said sure.
You need to start detaching, this is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

I've read some posts that say STAY STRONG and im trying. she tried to kiss me goodnight and i turned my head, she said sorry and i said not your fault (YES IT IS!!!). But i keep sugar coating things out of fear that she'll leave.
She already has left. You let her back to have a rest.

I'm torn between my mind screaming get out she will just do it again next time things get stale and my heart screaming i love her and your kids need there mother.
Seh WILL do it again. She is "in love" She will find it almost impossible to give this guy up this easily.

~sitting here, watching her sleep, staring at his lust marks on her neck..
That is awful. I suggest you don't do that...

Advice. Here and now the most important thing is for you to get in control of your raging emotions. Don't make any hasty moves. Dont decide anything right now.

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE

Eat something healthy even if it is only soup.

You also need to get out and exercise [for two reasons].
At the moment your body is being flooded with adrenalin since your fight , flight, freeze, response is being triggered .

You need to clear the byproducts of it. [It's the tinny blood taste in your mouth] Exercise will push it through fast. Don't drink too much coffee. No alcohol and no drugs

Oily fish has been proven to reduce stress by 30%. Eat some.
Tuna. Salmon.

You also need sleep. Ask her to sleep in another room if you are triggering around her [ you are] Exercise will help with that too.

I am so sorry you are here. Many of us have been where you are now and I will say it does get better, but it takes a long time. For now you need to be the best Dad you can be. Your daughter needs you to be healthy. You are going to be her rock. Starting now

Do not focus on your wife. Let her do what she is going to do. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL HER DESIRES AND WISHES.

You already know she has had sex multiple times with this guy.

Focus on you
Focus on your kid.
Focus on YOUR immediate and urgent needs.
 

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This isn’t going to end well.

You are married to a Narcissist and the affair isn’t over, not by a long shot. Dollars to donuts she is going to sleep with him again within the next month or so because she is so damn selfish.

It sounds like she is a horrible wife even without the A. Marriage doesn’t have to be this way, I vote for GTFO ASAP. There’s no goshdarn way I would even consider staying with someone like that no matter what she looks like.

She doesn’t really love you or want to be with you, she is just afraid of losing her lifestyle. You are being used dude, no question.
 
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