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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.
 

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It hurts. And it likely won’t get better. Poo stinks and tastes bad days, weeks, months later, or so I’ve been told. After that collossal poo Sandwich she’s served up, it’s likely best you just cut your losses. You’re going to have to wonder forever Every time she’s out if she will be Banging other men. She’s shown you what she is. No need to wonder.

she refused and headed downstairs for some fun with another man? Ha!
Pack her stuff, or accept what you have. This won’t be the last time she wants to chase other men. You married a ****. What did you expect?
 

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Her being "black out drunk" is just a bit TOO convenient. You KNOW she wanted to be a party girl again, even if just for the night.
She KNEW you didn't turn on the AC, and INTENTIONALLY moved them out the garage where you couldn't hear. This wasn't a "i was drunk" -- this was INTENTIONAL on her part.
If she "hates" when you bring it up, tell her that you HATE that you had to watch her make out with this guy and that trumps HER hate. SHE caused the problem not you.
She hasn't done ANYTHING to make you believe her -- has she gone to IC to find out WHY she felt it was ok? Do you have access to all her email, phone, etc. to make sure this guy doesn't contact her? Has she blocked him on all devices?
 

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Step 1 is to stop trying to rug sweep her cheating. It needs to be properly dealt with, whether she likes it or not. Of course she'd rather just move on and forget about it, but it doesn't work that way. Not for the BS at least.

I doubt her blackout drunk story. Each step from refusing to go to bed, to acknowledging the AC was off, to taking it outside was planned. She's just sorry she got caught.

Does she still drink? That is something that SHE should have immediately cut out on her own and never wanted to do again.
 

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.... I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. .....
Notice the bolded parts of your post. You already know what you are dealing with and you know that you can't trust her. You can't always police her and you can't control her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
But I do still love her.... we've made strides and we built this life together. She did quit drinking for a bit but we enjoy drinking so we started drinking together again. Shes vowed never to be drunk without me. I do have full access to her phone she doesn't hide anything. Also she's a stay at home homeschooling wife. So she's doesn't work she literally never goes out with friends im literally the only adult she sees for months sometimes. This guy is definitely out of our lives and she never talked to him without me around b4 or after. He was my friend not hers. I mean it wasn't an affair or an emotional cheat.... is it never possible to forgive such a thing does all infidelity end In divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...
 

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I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage.
I don't know what you did to your friend but sounds like he had it in for you; if you know what I mean. :) He may be out of your life for now but rest assured there are other men with the same plumbing wanting to, and may be welcome to, lay pipe around your house. I hate to be this blunt Dawg, but most of us wouldn't be stupid enough to not know exactly what she was getting at when she wanted to move out of earshot. The chick wanted privacy with your friend to do things you wouldn't approve of; unless youre into those things.
What do you think would have happened it you'd been called out on an emergency? You've got yourself a tiger by the tail there 34.
 

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In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes
Example #1

come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun.
Example #2
she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up.
Example #3
Dude: Read what you wrote. The above shows how weak you've been to your wife as to boundaries. No wonder she looks like she has little respect for you. For her to do it while you're there tells a lot of her respect for you and to what she might be doing when you're not around.

I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation.
why, I mean why knowingly you would leave them alone? nonetheless, you know have proof of what your guts were telling you. Dude, she's not marriage material, unless you want to be in constant turmoil as to what she might be doing.


she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up.
That's because she was never remorful. All she was doing was damage control, because in her mind she knows that in the end you will not do anything other than getting pissy about it and that you would eventually just rugsweep it, and by now she's getting annoyed with your constant reminders, because she's more secure that all you're doing is blah, blah, blah, no consequences other than the constant annoyances of having to hear it.

So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity.
This. This is typical of guys like you. Men that don't have the courage to do what needs to be done. And you are wondering why you're alone in your pain? really. What you have done is basically cowardice, because you prefer to suffer it all alone rather than to rock the boat. You are afraid.


When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex.
I just can't understand men that go for the "party girl" type of women. Don't you realize what the ultimate result is with this type of women? where you so low on yourself that you thought that she was the best that you could do?
Now tell me this: who is going to save YOU from her? what are you really going to do about it? if nothing, then don't cry about it, suck it up and carry on with the below:
We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me....A great life? how can that be a great life dude. You are just justifying yourself out of fear, weakness, and a lack of self respect.
 

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Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...
It does get better but yes, it will always hurt. That pain gets easier to handle and takes up less "space" but it never, ever goes away.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. For me (with a much different situation), things didn't start feeling better until around two years. Boatloads of IC and MC is what helped, not just watching the clock tick. That just prolongs the pain.
 

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Have you looked into other things she's doing? Her chat history, social, texts, etc.... No offense but if she'll cheat with your best friend in your house, she'll cheat with anyone. I doubt this was the first time she's done anything. Party girls don't just stop. If they do they often end up resenting their rescuer in the long run.
 

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Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...
It can take years to get beyond a spouse’s actions — whatever they may be — assuming that’s possible for you. Her job is to do what you need for her to do (obviously within reason) so that you can recover. But don’t ever again trust her as completely as you did in the past. That’s just asking for trouble.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Example #1


Example #2

Example #3
Dude: Read what you wrote. The above shows how weak you've been to your wife as to boundaries. No wonder she looks like she has little respect for you. For her to do it while you're there tells a lot of her respect for you and to what she might be doing when you're not around.



why, I mean why knowingly you would leave them alone? nonetheless, you know have proof of what your guts were telling you. Dude, she's not marriage material, unless you want to be in constant turmoil as to what she might be doing.



That's because she was never remorful. All she was doing was damage control, because in her mind she knows that in the end you will not do anything other than getting pissy about it and that you would eventually just rugsweep it, and by now she's getting annoyed with your constant reminders, because she's more secure that all you're doing is blah, blah, blah, no consequences other than the constant annoyances of having to hear it.



This. This is typical of guys like you. Men that don't have the courage to do what needs to be done. And you are wondering why you're alone in your pain? really. What you have done is basically cowardice, because you prefer to suffer it all alone rather than to rock the boat. You are afraid.



I just can't understand men that go for the "party girl" type of women. Don't you realize what the ultimate result is with this type of women? where you so low on yourself that you thought that she was the best that you could do?
Now tell me this: who is going to save YOU from her? what are you really going to do about it? if nothing, then don't cry about it, suck it up and carry on with the below:
Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not
 

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Given all the information you've provided, and that she gets upset with continually talking about it, I guess, if I were you, I ask her what she'd like you to do on days/moments/whatever that you're upset about it. It still upsets you from time to time, what does she want you to do when that happens?

If she tells you to ignore it or something similar, ask her if it's ok to reciprocate when she's upset about something you're tired of hearing about.

Just ask her what she'd like. You can't control that it upsets you until it no longer upsets you. What does she want from you? Does she want to be the kind of wife who doesn't care when her husband is hurting and upset?
 

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This whole sign of the cross thing: she did the sign of the cross asking for forgiveness for what she was about to do. That, with guiding him to the garage, makes it clear what her intentions were at that time. Is that her? How would I know. Is that her when she's intoxicated? How would I know.

I do know this: she has boundary issues. The wall, as far as you should be concerned: no more of these little meetups, chat ups and drink ups with some man when there's no one else around. That should now happen never.

If it's one of those that they hit on her and then she's ready, that can happen in so many ways (and is likely to).
 
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