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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
 

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Have you confronted your friend?

When did this happen?

Why do you think it was a revenge affair?

Did your wife express remorse, or was she rubbing your nose in it?

How do you know she is telling the truth?
 

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Been married long?

Kids?

Did she say why she did it? Or why she confessed?

Oh, what she did was horrible - your "friend" too. But she could have done worse. Much worse.

Are you both committed to each other or just kinda like fwb but married?
 

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A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.
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I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
Everyone thinks they can redefine male/female relationships. That they can be adult about these silly little male female relationship things.

They are wrong.

Her selection of targets...or the fidelity of your friend means that yes, it's pretty much over as far as at least one of your relationships.

If one is forced to grade things, what you did was on a slightly less awful scale than what she did...this is not a compliment, though I understand those who feel otherwise. She directly went to shatter your relationship. And he let her for some finger banging.

Rethink everything and out your friend for the wonderful human being he is to your mutual friends. However, out him to the WIVES. They have much less of a sense of humor about their husbands hanging around a gentleman who thinks this is acceptable behavior.
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Have you confronted your friend?

When did this happen?

Why do you think it was a revenge affair?

Did your wife express remorse, or was she rubbing your nose in it?

How do you know she is telling the truth?
I haven't confronted my friend, as he lives in another country and this is something I'd rather do face to face. Not sure if I can do it over the phone...

It happened almost 3 years ago.

She told me it was out of revenge, but she also said that she did "kinda liked him". I believe her, but what I don't know is if that was the only time they did it. They had plenty of opportunities to do it multiple times, when my "friend" was still living in the country and even during that same trip, so it seems unlikely it happened only once. How can I get the truth out of her?

She says that she's sorry, and I can see that she is, but I'm not exactly sure what she is sorry about. It almost seems like she expected a different reaction from me, and she is sorry that she told me.


We've been together 9, married 8 years. We have an overall good conventional (not an open one) relationship.
 

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A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?

Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Been married long?

Kids?

Did she say why she did it? Or why she confessed?

Oh, what she did was horrible - your "friend" too. But she could have done worse. Much worse.

Are you both committed to each other or just kinda like fwb but married?
We've been in a stable monogamous relationship. Been married for 8 years, but we leaved together for a year before that, so it's been 9 years. We don't have any kids, because we wanted to have some financial stability before jumping into that.

The reason she confessed, she say, is because I deserve to know what kind of friend he is, not acknowledging that she is just as good or even worst than him. Not sure if its denial, or she has no morals. I'm confused.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Can I infer from "open relationship" that you don't actually have a problem with extramarital activity, so long as you're kept informed?

Oh, and if you think for a minute that, to get revenge for you screwing a prostitute, that your wife and your friend stopped and third base and didn't go home, I've got a bridge to sell you.
Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking.

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't.

I don't think they stopped at third base either.
 

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Open, as in open to discussion, meaning that if she has a fantasy of some sort, she tells me, but not actually doing anything as far as I know. We discussed doing some trios or stuff like that, but never serious enough to actually try it, just talking.

As far as having problems with her some random guy, I think I wouldn't.

I don't think they stopped at third base either.
Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Are you saying that she admitted to having sexual fantasies involving men that weren't you? Even people that you knew? If so, was that before or after your own infidelity, and did you and she actively cultivate that fantasy, as in roleplay?
Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural.

What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.
 

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Not people that I knew, but she did fantasize with other man, IMO that's natural.

What bothers me is that she and my "fried" screwed in the room next to mine, while I was asleep, and made a secret out of it for 3 years. That for me is pure betrayal from both of them, I don't see any other way of putting it.
Sorry, but that's crap. If you believe that fantasizing sexually about people other than your spouse is normal then why should you be surprised when that fantasy is externalized? This may burst your bubble, mate, but the whole affair fantasy/roleplay nonsense is just an affair bicycle with training wheels. You just seem to be pissed that your wife took them off, even though you did the same thing. Now, normally I would never make the case that revenge cheating is okay, but it seems that idea of extracurricular activities was an encouraged part of your sexual dynamic. Well, your wife basically saw enough ballgames on television and decided she wanted to take the field. This is yours and your wife's doing, and coming here talking about having an affair fantasies is a slap in the face to every person, man and woman, that's suffered the pain of an adulterous partner.
 

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A few days ago my wife confessed to me that she had a sexual encounter with my best friend while on a trip. She told me that they kissed and touched for over 2 hours in the next room. She claims that he didn't penetrate her with his penis, but he did use the finger, I don't know if its true or not, and frankly I don't think it matters.

A little background. I have never been over jealous, I do believe in a more open relationship but this seems like betrayal. I feel like a total idiot.

A bit more background. I have cheated on my wife with a prostitute and she found out, that was about a year before the incident with my best friend. I understand that I hurt her and that she wants to get even with me, in fact I have never been too jealous and wouldn't care that much if it was a one night stand with a stranger. But what tore me apart was way she/they did it. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I want to get over this, but I don't know if I can trust her again. I think this is the worst thing that she could ever do to me.

I feel like I lost both, my wife and my best friend.
This all sounds like one big train wreck and your marriage is a total disaster in my opinion, so if I were you I would distance myself from the whole thing and move away and start over somewhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I do love her, and willing to work things out. I just don't know how to trust her anymore. I think we might still have a shot at this. I'll try, she seems committed too. But not sure if it'll work at the end...
 

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Your wife got her revenge by f$%king your "Best Friend". you opened pandora's box by sleeping with a prostitute and putting her health at risk as well. Two wrongs don't make a right. Working it out with your wife is up to you.

Your so called best friend needs a stiff punch to the face. A true best friend would put her [email protected]@ on the spot by stopping her advances as soon as he felt something wasn't right and tell you about it.
 

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So what were you fighting about that she brought this up? What triggered this revelation? Warning you about this friend? Ha! Is he making advances for an encore?

How did you react? How did she expect you to react?

How has your sex life after you 'went pro' and how was it after she put the horns on you?

I'm almost thinking she is ready to start breeding with you. I wouldn't.

Do not cry in front of her. Do not beg. Do not appear willing to put this behind you. Stand back, aloof and decide if you want 18 years of child support payments with a woman who could ruin her marriage and your friendship over a fit of pique.

And for the record, while I think fantasizing about other strangers is normal, your whole 'oh...I'm an evolved open minded non-jealous human being' makes you a first rate idiot. How are you feeling about that philosophy now? Why are you jealous? Why are you hurt? She's an adult obeying her natural impulses...
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I would go through all your photos and every one with your ex BF, I would make my wife cut up and put it in a fed ex mailer and send it to the bastard. Let her know exactly what she did.

I'd also inform her 'Well...since I haven't been trolling Amsterdam's streets, but YOU have frequently been alone with this POS (be descriptive of his character), I see that i have no choice but to assume every time you COULD fvck him, you DID fvck him. Otherwise why keep it secret for three years unless you wanted a repeat performance? I have to assume the worst."
 

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1. You both cheated on each other.

2. You both still love each other.

3. You both want to attempt reconciliation.

4. You both have trust issues with each other.

You sound like a forgiving fellow.

IMO, the two of you can get past this. Read through the reconciliation threads and see how others have done it.

You'll both need counselling, both individual and marriage.

With time, the trust issues will improve, but you will never fully trust each other. Transparency and honesty from both of you from here on out is uber important. No passwords on your phones, emails, FB, etc. The only privacy is in the bathroom. All else is secrecy.

No Girls Night Outs, no Boys Night Outs.

Recommit to each other and renew your relationship.
 
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Both the wife and best friend would have to exit my life. Neither has shown themselves to be trustworthy.
At the very least him. ANY contact between him and her would...should result in a speedy exit.
 
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