[confuuzed]

I will try to keep a long story short.My wife and I have been married 3 years.We have 2 beutiful baby boys together.5 months ago she told me she didnt want to be with me anymore because I drink to much and she felt like we were just roomates.And that I did not help her with the kids and arround the house enough.
We have had this conversation before in our marriage and I would change but divert back to my old ways.
I realized this time I needed to man up and be the husband and father her and my children deserved.Abought 3 weeks after she told me this, she went out with a freind and was gonna spend the night at her house.
She didnt get home till 3:00 pm the next day so that threw up a red flag for me.After a few days of investagating I told her I wanted her to call her freind and let me ask her if my wife had spent the night there.That is when she finally came clean and said she had lined up a date with an old boyfreind and spent the night with him.She claimed they didnt have sex because it was against his morals,but she wanted to.Says she was embarased he turned her down.It disgusts me that emarases her but not her actions.
A couple weeks later I found an email she had sent to a different ex boyfreind 10 months after we were married.Basicly it said she was sorry she cheated on him.She cant change the past but can change the future.And asked him for another chance.He was abought to get married.He told her he was happy with is life and turned her down.
When I confronted her abought it she basicly said it was somthing she felt she had to do.
She has told me she knows both things she did was wrong ,but felt like our marriage was over a long time ago.I asked her why she stayed with me.She said it was the right thing to do.
I have realized after what she has done to me how bad she really viewed our marriage,I was not even close to the husband and father I am now.
The problem I have is we are trying to save our marriage,but when I bring up my feelings abought what she did she gets upset and says she dosnt bring up my past.
She says she loves me but is not in love with me right now.
I am torn because she cares so little right now,but I now know what she was feeling when I wasnt being the father and husband I should have.
I want to talk out all of our issues,but she wants to sweep them under the rug,and wait and see if her feelings for me come back.
I am at a loss,should I give her more time,or just realize she is to selfish to change her ways.?

 

[wrsteele1]

Sorry you're here man.

For the moment, forget all the reasons you're a crappy husband. This isn't about you its about her. Marriage can survive a lot of things, but it cannot survive ongoing infidelity. You're about to get a lot of advice on how to kill it. I wish you luck.

 

[the guy]

More time = more time with OM (other man)

You got a serial cheater on your hands and is doing nothing to change!

Sorry man, but you can be the best husband in the world and it won't mean a damb thing cuz its her not you. Moral folks who really want to do the right ting will leave an unhealthy marriage not decieve and lie and step out of the marriage with out telling there spouse.

Get it its not you, it her and how she handled a unhealthy marriage, that plus she is a cheater by nature, so even if your *were* the best husband in the world she would sabatoge it by steping out and sleep around. Thats just how she is wired.

So she has few strick against her that have nothing to do with you 1) lack of bondries,2) doesn't know how to handle unhealthy marriage 3) has a history of cheating and 4) my favorite, she is a narrsacist (hence the no remorse)

I know this crap cause I used to push my wife around and she would sleep around....a very unhealthy marriage but we are not narrsacist and have a great deal of remorse for we both did in our marriage. So with that said we kept each other around. we also as individuals went and got the tools to have healthier behaviors.


That my friend, you will have a hard getting from your wife.....you your all good you sound like you have real remorse for your drinking, but as far as your chick goes it will take divorce papers for her to go get the help to affair proof her marriage if that will even work!

BTW your wife is also a cake eater.


STOP LETTING HER BLAMESHIFT, SHE'S BROKEN!!!!!!!

 

[Falene]

Even crappy spouses do not deserve a cheating spouse.

I am the worst person to give advice on a R. Mine was an epic failure and I blew smoke up my arse for nine months only to find out I blew smoke up my arse for nine months....

One thing I can tell you with complete certainity. A reconciliation will not work, should not be attempted under any circumstances unless the cheater is sincerely remorseful and is willing to accept responsibility for their actions. That is a bare minimum by the way as there are many other important ingredients to a successful R.

The wise ones will be posting soon. I suggest you do a ton of reading here and get acquainted with what cheating and reconciling are all about.

 

[the guy]

Sorry you're here man.

For the moment, forget all the reasons you're a crappy husband. This isn't about you its about her. Marriage can survive a lot of things, but it cannot survive ongoing infidelity. You're about to get a lot of advice on how to kill it. I wish you luck.

3 years of marriage.........why kill the affair? Just let her go.

sure you got 2 boys, so give them a good examble of how not to be a door mate.

 

[the guy]

I'm all for R but when the wayward is behaving like OP WW then its time to let them go, and only then the wayward might turn a corner and get a clue what sucks is it might be to late for the betrayed to turn back.

 

[TDSC60]

Ten months into a marriage and she was already apologizing to an Ex BF for cheating on HIM (with you?) and begging him for another chance (to do what? Leave you and be with him?).

Now she spends the night with another Ex BF and lies to you.

There is no marriage to save. She is a serial cheater and if you believe she spent the night and most of the next day with a guy and they didn't have sex I've got some swamp land in FL I' like to sell you.

Seriously Dude, she will not change her ways. You are her financial base and babysitter and she is giving you just enough to keep you on the line while she plays the field. None of this is your fault.

BTW - DNA test the kids - she may have found an Ex that did not turn her down.

PS - no sense in waiting for her "feelings for you" to return. She never had any love for you to start with. If it was never there, it can't return.

 

[Thorburn]

My wife did something similar with a stranger in 1999, then a very sexual EA online with another stranger in 2010 then a PA with a stranger in 2011. R is possible but there are twists and turns that suck. Remorse is the key. I (we) rug swept the A in 1999 and 2010 and I will not do so this time and my wife just wants me to forget the past and I keep telling her, "hell no". I am a very patient man but since d-day Nov. 29th 2011 I have not gotten everything I need for healing and until I do I will not let this rest. I have backed off quite a bit but even last night I told her I want answers and until I get them I am stuck. Good luck, but until she turns around and loves you and stops looking elsewhere R will not work. Work on improving yourself because that is the only thing you have control over.

 

[kenmoore14217]

What this should be entitled is:

WIFE WANTS ME, HER HUSBAND, TO PAY FOR HER AFFAIR!!

 

[WorkingOnMe]

Spent the night but didn't have sex :rofl: that's a good one. Dude, why bother with her. Just dump her. She's not worth it. And staying with a woman who continues to cheat on you is really setting a bad example for your kids.

 

[MattMatt]

She might not be a serial cheater Yet, but that seems to be her aim in life.

Would counselling help?

 

[Dad&Hubby]

Sorry man, but you need to step back. Look at the overall picture (look at what I've bolded here and my responses) and realize just how messed up your wife is and that your marriage was built on quicksand to begin with.

I will try to keep a long story short.My wife and I have been married 3 years. 3 years and already fallen 'out of love'...was she ever IN LOVE? We have 2 beutiful baby boys together. And if you divorce, you'll still have 2 beautiful boys! 5 months ago she told me she didnt want to be with me anymore because I drink to much and she felt like we were just roomates.And that I did not help her with the kids and arround the house enough. That's some heavy duty issues just 3 years into a marriage, was she ever satisfied or did you say yes because of no other options at the time?
We have had this conversation before in our marriage and I would change but divert back to my old ways.
I realized this time I needed to man up and be the husband and father her and my children deserved. Did you, when and for how long? Abought 3 weeks after she told me this, she went out with a freind and was gonna spend the night at her house.
She didnt get home till 3:00 pm the next day so that threw up a red flag for me.After a few days of investagating I told her I wanted her to call her freind and let me ask her if my wife had spent the night there.That is when she finally came clean and said she had lined up a date with an old boyfreind and spent the night with him. Uhhmm premeditated rekindling...she still felt something for this guy even when she said "Yes while forsaking all others" to you. She claimed they didnt have sex because it was against his morals,but she wanted to. I'd bet she did have sex, what kind "sleeps with an ex" on a date and it is really SLEEPING only. Her saying that is her way of minimizing the act while her saying she wants to was her way of hurting you intentionally because she still doesn't like you very much. Says she was embarased he turned her down.It disgusts me that emarases her but not her actions.
A couple weeks later I found an email she had sent to a different ex boyfreind 10 months after we were married.Basicly it said she was sorry she cheated on him.She cant change the past but can change the future.And asked him for another chance.He was abought to get married. Okay so not even a year is passed, she wants to get with a DIFFERENT boyfriend?!?! So when did she actually LOVE YOU?!?! Wow this chick has some serious closure issues and reminiscing issues. She glorifies her past and makes it seem better in her mind than her present, hence why she probably cheated on THAT guy. She's got SERIOUS issues. I guarantee she heard he was getting married and made a valiant effort to try and win him back. Total disregard to that guys fiancee as well. WOW. He told her he was happy with is life and turned her down.
When I confronted her abought it she basicly said it was somthing she felt she had to do. WHY???? You need to get her to answer this
She has told me she knows both things she did was wrong ,but felt like our marriage was over a long time ago. Did it actually begin in her mind? I asked her why she stayed with me.She said it was the right thing to do. Right because cheating and staying in a loveless relationship with someone is SUCH a good thing to do.
I have realized after what she has done to me how bad she really viewed our marriage,I was not even close to the husband and father I am now. You're accepting her blameshifting....STOP. Were you a good husband and father, maybe not. I bet you weren't as bad as SHE'S making you out to be, because her not being satisfied with you and blaming you about issues all the time was her way of venting out her disdain for this sham of a marriage she accepted and never was happy about. IT'S NOT YOU!! IT'S HER. SHE DECEIVED YOU AND THEN PUT YOU THROUGH HELL BECAUSE OF IT!
The problem I have is we are trying to save our marriage Sorry to say, but WHY?!? She has never loved you. I know it sucks to hear that but you need to come to grips with what has really been there (or hasn't been there) and go find someone who actually LOVES you. ,but when I bring up my feelings abought what she did she gets upset and says she dosnt bring up my past. WOW because not being as attentive (and again, how much is real and how much is her exaggerating the issue with unrealistic expectations) is TOTALLY equal to searching out other partners and trying to get them to take her back (while obviously DUMPING YOU IN THE PROCESS) or trying to get them to FVCK her brains out.
She says she loves me but is not in love with me right now.
I am torn because she cares so little right now,but I now know what she was feeling when I wasnt being the father and husband I should have. How do you know what she was feeling. Sorry what she did is totally different AND MUCH WORSE than what you did. She's turning you into the blame carrier. STOP!!
I want to talk out all of our issues,but she wants to sweep them under the rug,and wait and see if her feelings for me come back.
I am at a loss,should I give her more time,or just realize she is to selfish to change her ways.? You should realize that you're Plan C and always will be. You'll only be as good for her as the next best option she has, if it's none, you'll be number 1, but she'll always be looking for something better and that's not going to change, hence why there's no remorse. Is that what you want? More importantly, is that all you DESERVE?

 

[confuuzed]

Ten months into a marriage and she was already apologizing to an Ex BF for cheating on HIM (with you?) and begging him for another chance (to do what? Leave you and be with him?).

No not with me.She was in college at that time.1 year before I met her.
She said she knew he would say no but felt she had to do it.(pretty pathetick)





Now she spends the night with another Ex BF and lies to you.

There is no marriage to save. She is a serial cheater and if you believe she spent the night and most of the next day with a guy and they didn't have sex I've got some swamp land in FL I' like to sell you.

Seriously Dude, she will not change her ways. You are her financial base and babysitter and she is giving you just enough to keep you on the line while she plays the field. None of this is your fault.

BTW - DNA test the kids - she may have found an Ex that did not turn her down.

PS - no sense in waiting for her "feelings for you" to return. She never had any love for you to start with. If it was never there, it can't return.

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

10 months after you're married and she's trying to hookup with an ex boyfriend that's about to get married? This should've been the honeymoon period but she wanted to fvck someone else.

She's a serial cheater who isn't about to change. She spent the night with her ex and nothing happened? Yet, she didn't come home until 3PM the next day?

You need to kick her to the curb and move on because your wife is a very broken woman.

 

[TDSC60]

Sounds like she gets her jollies manipulating men, playing with their feelings. She will not change.

 

[confuuzed]

Wow this is a lot to take in.I have been realy fooling myself these past 5 months!!!!

 

[Lon]

confuuzed, she doesn't want to work the marriage out with you, she wants to work it so she can have the benefits of being married and having affair partners on the side. That remorselessness is all you need to know that there is no chance at the marriage you want with her, and in my opinion, ever (she has revealed her true colors about how she views marriage and you as her marriage partner).

Sorry, it hurts deep I know. Now stop blaming yourself because I know for a fact you were a more committed, devoted and better husband/dad than you are giving yourself credit for.

Get a lawyer to draw up separation agreement, ask her to move out, separate your finances and get a counsellor to help you get through the grieving you are in for.

 

[badbane]

Okay hold on here you two have a only been married 3 years. That is not enough time to even say a marriage is a good one or bad one. Jeez marriages are supposed to be for a lifetime so 3 years is basically a new marriage. She has so far gone out with a man who did sleep with her. (you really believe she spent the night and stayed til 3 pm not having sex. really think about that usually if someone puts themselves out there and gets shafted they don't spend the night.)
The other man she was willing to give another chance was while you were married. That is not even a year in and she was jumping ship. That doesn't sound like someone who was even trying to be in a marriage. Judging by her actions the marriage was over even before it began. Yes you are not husband or father of the year but her was checking out after 10 months. That just does not add up. Did you get married develop a heavy drinking problem. I hate to ask this but are you 100 certain that your children are even yours. She keeps saying she got turned down and you are just taking her word for it. It sounds to me like you need to start asking hard questions.
You are sweeping everything under the rug by just taking her word. She lied during the wedding, you know the forsaking all others part, 10 months in is not forsaking all others but just in case this doesn't work out I am gonna call my old boyfriend. I just wanna make sure that he doesn't want me back. If he does then I will get my child support, move in with my old flame, and never look back.
I think some of your emotional issues that lead you to drink might be because you suspected some of this all along. then you just buried it with booze. (don't take offense here just trying to point out an alternate view to your problems.) I mean if she was that unsure about being with you from the start. Didn't some small voice deep down say that she was probably running around on you?
I think you need to ask her to leave and focus on your kids. I would make sure I had a DNA test on both children and an std test run on myself. You need to get some answers because I think that all these unknowns have been contributing to your bad habits. HEll it could be the cause of them. Did you have a drinking problem before you got heavily involved with this woman? If not, if you were perfectly normal, didn't really stress or worry, then suddenly you get serious with this woman and your drinking goes way up. That would be a good indication of how toxic this woman is.
You need and deserve answers and you won't get them from your wife. She has chosen to cheat, lie, and show no remorse for her actions. She has her justifications and will likely hide behind them. So let science and evidence show you what the real picture is. Not some woman who could have just been using you to have a stable place to live, and then try to find her soulmate.

 

[confuuzed]

Okay hold on here you two have a only been married 3 years. That is not enough time to even say a marriage is a good one or bad one. Jeez marriages are supposed to be for a lifetime so 3 years is basically a new marriage. She has so far gone out with a man who did sleep with her. (you really believe she spent the night and stayed til 3 pm not having sex. really think about that usually if someone puts themselves out there and gets shafted they don't spend the night.)
The other man she was willing to give another chance was while you were married. That is not even a year in and she was jumping ship. That doesn't sound like someone who was even trying to be in a marriage. Judging by her actions the marriage was over even before it began. Yes you are not husband or father of the year but her was checking out after 10 months. That just does not add up. Did you get married develop a heavy drinking problem. I hate to ask this but are you 100 certain that your children are even yours. She keeps saying she got turned down and you are just taking her word for it. It sounds to me like you need to start asking hard questions.
You are sweeping everything under the rug by just taking her word. She lied during the wedding, you know the forsaking all others part, 10 months in is not forsaking all others but just in case this doesn't work out I am gonna call my old boyfriend. I just wanna make sure that he doesn't want me back. If he does then I will get my child support, move in with my old flame, and never look back.
I think some of your emotional issues that lead you to drink might be because you suspected some of this all along. then you just buried it with booze. (don't take offense here just trying to point out an alternate view to your problems.) I mean if she was that unsure about being with you from the start. Didn't some small voice deep down say that she was probably running around on you?
I think you need to ask her to leave and focus on your kids. I would make sure I had a DNA test on both children and an std test run on myself. You need to get some answers because I think that all these unknowns have been contributing to your bad habits. HEll it could be the cause of them. Did you have a drinking problem before you got heavily involved with this woman? If not, if you were perfectly normal, didn't really stress or worry, then suddenly you get serious with this woman and your drinking goes way up. That would be a good indication of how toxic this woman is.
You need and deserve answers and you won't get them from your wife. She has chosen to cheat, lie, and show no remorse for her actions. She has her justifications and will likely hide behind them. So let science and evidence show you what the real picture is. Not some woman who could have just been using you to have a stable place to live, and then try to find her soulmate.

We were both binge drinkers(weekends)before the kids.After the kids she drank ocasionly.I slowed down,but not enough for her.
She couldnt stand the fact that she felt like a single parent.
I would always put my pryorities and hobbies before her and the children.I have always loved her but my actions didnt show her that untill the last 5 months.
The bad thing is when she cheated on her last boyfriend she went to counseling and claimed she got the closure she needed for why she did it.(sounds more like counseler justified it)
I have realized months ago I am responsible for my own happiness,but I feel like if shes not happy it is always someone elses fault.

 

[OldWolf57]

Ok pay attention C, you are getting the best advice that is out there for free.
These ppl have been there and got the Tee.
I also say this, DON'T let guilt for your drinking or guilt for breaking up your family stop you from ridding yourself of this woman.

Reread your thread. What would you tell a friend that found out his wife was hooking up 10 months after the wedding. What would you tell him if she spent the night with a guy, who is SO moral, he let a married woman spend the night. AND she is not even remorseful.

You don't have to stay with her to be a good father. You be a good father by staying sober and making sure you stay in their life.