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Discussion Starter #1
Hi,

Apologies if there are other threads on here regarding this, but I have been through a lot and can't find any that match my situation.

I have been with my wife for about 9 years and married for nearly 4 years. About 9 month ago I was having doubts about our marriage and starting to think about life without her. I was severely depressed at the time and going to counselling as I have OCD. I decided that we should go on a break and we agreed we can see other people during this break.

During this break, I did meet someone else, but soon afterwards (4 months after break-up) I realized what a huge mistake I had made and that I wanted to get back together with my wife.

My wife and I talked and she too had been in a relationship while we were on a break, but we decided to work on our marriage. She still said she loved me but that she had changed; became more independent and that she is not 100% certain that we will always be together. We decided to work on it though.

The Saturday just gone (4 months after getting back together and living back together) she cheated on me after saying she was staying at a friends after a girlie night out. She told me straight away that she cheated (following morning) and how sorry she is and that she feels a complete bi*ch.

I didn't get angry at all or seek for revenge, I was just totally devastated as if my whole world had collapsed. I cried all the time and find things hard to do without thinking about us. I said I forgave her and that we can get through it. We talked about things as she said that she loves me so much and that she can't imagine her life without me. However, she said she can't say 100% that she will want to be with me in the future. As soon as i said I am going to leave she burst's into tears and asks me to stay. She says there are days when she is 100% sure that she wants to be with me and other days where she has doubts.

She says she needs time to get back to where we were a year ago when she knew 100% that she wanted to be with me and even then she is worried that she will not get there. I worry so much every day, and dread going home as I think she will say she wants to leave me, or 6 months down the line.

I need some advice as to what to do. Part of me thinks I should just leave and hopefully she will realize what a huge mistake she has made and wants me back for good. Then I worry if I do this and she doesn't change her feelings that I wasted the chance to carry on living with her and giving the marriage time. She has said that she feels pressure from me asking about if she wants to be with me or not, I just feel so uncertain about us and want to know now.

Please help

Many thanks

Mark
 

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Here is the kicker. You aren't going to believe this, but the more you seem to WANT to stay in the marriage, the less she will.

If you are crying and moping and unable to let her go, she will feel sorry for you...but is that an emotion you wish to foster in your wife?

So...get your public emotions under control. Be as much of a rock as you can be. Behind closed doors (and far away from her) let it hang out. Vent here! Complain, whine, scream at the gods for doing this to you! But don't do it in front of her.

Because she WILLFULLY did this. It wasn't a drunken thing as far as I can read it. It was a choice.

Now...for whatever reason, she feels very bad about this. Don't make her feel worse...but it really isn't your job to make her feel better either. "Oops...I cut my finger stabbing you in the back...can you kiss it and make it better honey...?"

Does that make a lot of sense to you?

Part of your feelings are driven by fear. You have some issues like your OCD which you need to work on. WORK ON THEM! Work HARD! Because she might do this again. So you need to make yourself the best you for three reasons

1) she might leave. Sorry, but there it is. For 5 years, you didn't care about each other enough to commit and a mere 4 years later, she's straying. Not a strong relationship. You need to be prepared to find someone else. Be your best

2) Since it is likely this was an issue in your marriage, this will make it stronger, but this should not be your primary focus.

3) YOU will feel better about yourself. Less insecure. This translates into all kinds of benefits. Fix the OCD as much as possible, hit the gym, improve your resume and learn something totally new. I took martial arts and hit the gym. I like myself a lot better than I used to. I feel I have OPTIONS.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but so does my wife. Granted, she ALWAYS had options but girls generally do.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Thanks JCD,

You make a lot of sense. One question I would like your advice on. Should I:

1) stay living with her, working on our marriage but following the advice you gave and be a rock and happy in myself while in front of her.

or 2) Tell her that I am leaving

Many thanks

Mark
 

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You've already left her once. I'm guessing she's scared you might leave again, that's why she's having doubts about staying with you.

Who did she cheat with?
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She cheated with the same guy she had the relationship with on our break.

She has said that she has feelings for him but they are not as strong as the feelings she has for me.

She told me she didn't plan it and it happened when she was drunk (although no excuse)

She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.

She is not in contact with this guy anymore and i believe her, although they play at the same hockey club and potentially bump into each other once every other month or so.

She has been totally up front with me on how she feels.
 

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Why get chased out of your house?

Ask her one question: "If I cheated on you with someone whom I constantly see, what exactly would I need to do to get back into your good graces? Why not do that?"

If she didn't leave the hockey club, it would be a deal breaker for me.
 
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You don't say how long this "break" was. My concern for you both moving forward, however, is that you both seemed to find other people to be with pretty quickly and easily. Just doesn't sound like the both of you are completely in love with each the way you need to be to make a marriage work.
 

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She told me she didn't plan it and it happened when she was drunk (although no excuse)
She did plan it. She didn't remain at a place selling alcohol with him (and without you) by accident. She could have left. She didn't. She could have moderated her drinking. She chose to get drunk. She could have said "No. I don't want to do this again" at any point in the evening. She chose not to each time.

She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.
Does that make any kind of sense to you? Really?

If she can be honest with herself first and then completely honest with you, the two of you might have a chance.
 

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The break was only about 4 months in total.

I think my plan will be to stay in the flat with her and act strong and show her that I'm happy. I really want this to work out as I know she did a nasty act, but that doesn't make her a nasty person? I just hope she can see that it is me she really wants. Do you think this is right?

Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it all as i have kept this to myself and don't want to tell friends or family.
 

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The minute you said you wanted an open relationship you doomed your marriage.

Why didn't you just tell her... 'Look, you are a real piece of crap but I don't feel like looking for anyone better so lets just stay together because I like to have sex with you. It's easy and I don't have to go hunting other women.'

It is really hard to say that she cheated when you told her you wanted an open relationship. Women do NOT think the same way men do. You basically told her that you will not be there for her for the rest of her life to protect her and care for her.

You said that she says she made a huge mistake... I'm going to tell you honestly you made a bigger one.

You need to rectify two things...

1. The damage that you did by telling her you wanted an open relationship. Do you want to be married to her or are you being codependent? Figure that out.

2. Did she do bad things by cheating? Yes. You opened that door for her, told her there was something better in there, now you are here to say you can't believe she actually went in that door...

She sounds confused. She wants security for the rest of her life and that's tough. You need to figure out what you both really want and both work on your issues.

Be strong, work very hard on yourself. Figure out if you want to be married and then work very hard on your marriage. You both did something really stupid. Forgive each each other and yourself and decide who you want to be for the rest of your life and move forward after figuring that out first.

Be strong brother. Time to do some heavy lifting and shoulder some burdens. You have a good chance of salvaging your marriage but you need to get educated on being a good husband. Don't just look to blame her here. Hold her accountable for her actions but don't let bitterness creep into your heart. Lead your heart, don't let it lead you for it surely will betray you.
 

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I may have mislead you in that i didn't say to her I wanted an open relationship, but a break from each other. I never intended to live with her and have an open relationship. My worry was that if I had stayed with her I would have had more and more doubt that I may have ended up cheating, and I didn't want to do that to her.
 

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So you made your wife doubt your commitment to your marriage. You both had affairs (on break = "whoo-hoo! Let's cheat and pretend we didn't really cheat!") and now you are both dealing with the fallout of the situation you created.

But here's the good news! If you both work at this, if you both want it, things are fixable!

Individual and couples counselling is a must, however.
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So let's see if I understand this correctly: you decided to break your marriage vows and take a break to see others, you decided that it was a mistake, and now you're devastated that she found another guy? What did you think would happen when you opened this floodgate? It was you that introduced infidelity to this marriage. I don't know if you had someone in mind when you decided you wanted to see others but once you open this box you can't close it so easily. This marriage is now broken and from your wife's perspective what's to stop you from deciding you need another break? Some serious counseling is in order here. Third parties should NEVER be invited into a marriage like that, unless you've mutually agreed to an open marriage.
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She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.
Bullsh!t Alert. You realize that she is bullsh!tting, right??

Ask her if she wants you to show her love the same way. She felt entitled to the affair because you begged her back. Time to show that you are fine without her. It works better in the long term
 

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So let's see if I understand this correctly: you decided to break your marriage vows and take a break to see others, you decided that it was a mistake, and now you're devastated that she found another guy? What did you think would happen when you opened this floodgate? It was you that introduced infidelity to this marriage. I don't know if you had someone in mind when you decided you wanted to see others but once you open this box you can't close it so easily. This marriage is now broken and from your wife's perspective what's to stop you from deciding you need another break? Some serious counseling is in order here. Third parties should NEVER be invited into a marriage like that, unless you've mutually agreed to an open marriage.
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Did you actually read his posts ?
 

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Did you actually read his posts ?
Yep. And it ain't a pretty story from either of them. They both did wrong but the OP told his wife he was not sure about the future of their marriage, sort of blaming his OCD for that. They decided to have a wedding 'break' and each took a lover.
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