Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have recently found out that my wife of 25 years cheated on me 3 years ago. I found out by snooping in on her Facebook site where she had spoken to many of her friends about it. When confronted she claims she was raped and then the man had a hold over her. She claims he threatened to tell me about what happened unless she was "his". So, to protect me (apparently), she had sex with him for 18 months until she could eventually get away from him and his controlling behavior. She admits to telling him she loved him but claims she didn't and that some form of chemical reaction kicked in, similar to what happened to Patty Hurst, when she was kidnapped. This sounds bizarre to the extreme and I am confused. The thing is I love her and I believe she does love me and is remorseful of what happened. Can I trust her in the future? Is this just a "BS" story. I'm hurt, angry and vulnerable so during a the temporary separation we went through I had a brief sexual encounter with a woman. This has complicated matters even further and mybwife is livid with me. We are trying to make our marriage work but there are lot of difficult obstacles ahead.

Anyone been through anything similar to this?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,253 Posts
I have recently found out that my wife of 25 years cheated on me 3 years ago. I found out by snooping in on her Facebook site where she had spoken to many of her friends about it. When confronted she claims she was raped and then the man had a hold over her. She claims he threatened to tell me about what happened unless she was "his". So, to protect me (apparently), she had sex with him for 18 months until she could eventually get away from him and his controlling behavior. She admits to telling him she loved him but claims she didn't and that some form of chemical reaction kicked in, similar to what happened to Patty Hurst, when she was kidnapped. This sounds bizarre to the extreme and I am confused. The thing is I love her and I believe she does love me and is remorseful of what happened. Can I trust her in the future? Is this just a "BS" story. I'm hurt, angry and vulnerable so during a the temporary separation we went through I had a brief sexual encounter with a woman. This has complicated matters even further and mybwife is livid with me. We are trying to make our marriage work but there are lot of difficult obstacles ahead.

Anyone been through anything similar to this?
Of course it is a BS story. She had sex with a guy for nearly two years and told him she loved him...TO PROTECT YOU!

Why would being raped be a 'hold over her'? None of this makes sense.

You have to be absolutely firm and tell her she has to stop lying to you if she wants to save the relationship. That is step one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,945 Posts
Why would you believe she was raped for 18 months? Nobody here will believe that. I'm curious as to why you would.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,281 Posts
TallGuy, things like this happen all the time.
My ex was raped six months after we married and became pregnant with the dirt bag's kid.She didn't even know his name, but never told me because "she wanted to spare my feelings".
It happened again a couple of years later with a different guy and she never knew his name either. I never found out about it until she handed me my walking paters twenty years later when she told the cops I was abusing her.
You just can't appreciate how hard it is to live as a woman now days since these terrible things can happen ad your "best friend" even blames you for it.
In other words, she's just leading you through life on a leash and it's up to you how long she will be able to do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
TalGuy,

I agree with all others here. She's lying

Ask about a police report as noted above. Also ask her to take a polygraph to really find out what was going on here. Read up in the Coping With Infidelity section for an education

And by the way, although you did screw up some by having a "relationship" while you were seperated, the only reason she is "livid: is because she's trying to throw you off her scent from her LENGTHY affair
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
294 Posts
Lol to the fact that you could possibly believe such an outrageous story. You seem to be quite naive.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
Married to a cop and sadly yes this kind of lying does happen.

When the husbands force their wives to file a report the truth comes out.

It's a total B.S. story but as others have said kudos on her imagination.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for various comments. As always things not that simple. A few quick replies:
1. our marriage failed from lack of communication. I'm a rigid person who sees things as either right or wrong, nothing in between.
2. My wife thought she knew how I would react to her situation and wasn't prepared to risk it. This certainly was a bad decision on her prey.
3. A Facebook entry from the time to a girlfriend does refer to a rape. She did know the guy so it wasn't a random rape.
4. The guy is clearly demented. He has a history of harassment and manipulation. My wife always tries to see the good in others and didn't realize there is so much evil in this world.
5. She did report it to the police but they needed my involvement so my wife wouldn't pursue it. You must realize that living in South Africa the police system is not up to the same standard as first world countries such as USA & in Europe.
6. My wife has been suicidal for some time.
7. We will be going to couples counseling in the New Year and currently we are both having individual therapy.

Most responses go with the BS theory, and you maybe right. Just remember that after 25 years of marriage we do know one another well, that's not to say that secrets like this don't come as a shock, but it is out of character for my wife. Maybe I'm just a stupid old fool or maybe there is more to this. One thing is for sure is that I remain very confused.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,079 Posts
She's good at BS if it really is BS. All of this is starting to make sense unfortunately for me - it doesn't change the fact of what she has done. I don't believe that one's weak will and cowardice can be used as an excuse to justify unfaithfulness in a marriage in this case... not to mention allowing herself to be raped for 18 months while lying to you for THAT long putting you at a severe risk of STDs.

However...
You have identified that your black/white philosophy has severed the communication channels so I can see how it could have been difficult for her to tell you/report to police/and have suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't apologise for that too soon however.

Still, your wife seems either weak-willed and cowardly or that she's full of ****, and personally I would divorce for either reasons. But that's just me. As for this guy, mate, you just don't let someone fk your wife and let him get away with it. Especially if it was rape. Considering you already know about it, report it to the police with her - she no longer has an excuse to not report it... or does she?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
So file and destroy this guy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
Thanks for various comments. As always things not that simple. A few quick replies:
1. our marriage failed from lack of communication. I'm a rigid person who sees things as either right or wrong, nothing in between.
2. My wife thought she knew how I would react to her situation and wasn't prepared to risk it. This certainly was a bad decision on her prey.
3. A Facebook entry from the time to a girlfriend does refer to a rape. She did know the guy so it wasn't a random rape.
4. The guy is clearly demented. He has a history of harassment and manipulation. My wife always tries to see the good in others and didn't realize there is so much evil in this world.
5. She did report it to the police but they needed my involvement so my wife wouldn't pursue it. You must realize that living in South Africa the police system is not up to the same standard as first world countries such as USA & in Europe.
6. My wife has been suicidal for some time.
7. We will be going to couples counseling in the New Year and currently we are both having individual therapy.

Most responses go with the BS theory, and you maybe right. Just remember that after 25 years of marriage we do know one another well, that's not to say that secrets like this don't come as a shock, but it is out of character for my wife. Maybe I'm just a stupid old fool or maybe there is more to this. One thing is for sure is that I remain very confused.
Wow so you're either a man who doesn't "protect" his wife or a man who's the biggest IDIOT. (looking at it from your wife's perception).

This is a complete no win.

You MUST file a complaint with the police. MUST MUST MUST. Look, if it REALLY did happen the way she is saying....:lol:....then there is a rapist on the loose and your wife needs a TON of counseling HERSELF (not marriage counseling).

If she's bsing (which I totally believe) then if you don't do anything, than she's going to see you as a total idiot and she'll do more of this.

You need to call this situation out.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Wow so you're either a man who doesn't "protect" his wife or a man who's the biggest IDIOT. (looking at it from your wife's perception).

This is a complete no win.

You MUST file a complaint with the police. MUST MUST MUST. Look, if it REALLY did happen the way she is saying....:lol:....then there is a rapist on the loose and your wife needs a TON of counseling HERSELF (not marriage counseling).

If she's bsing (which I totally believe) then if you don't do anything, than she's going to see you as a total idiot and she'll do more of this.

You need to call this situation out.
Even if the wife goes along with this to cover her ass, she will know that she totally destroyed another man's life just to cover her crapulence. Assuming she has ANY sense of shame, that is enough of an object lesson to make her thoughtful in the future.

As for the guy, rapist or no, he deserves what he gets. He went sniffing and nailing your wife. He should not get out of this unscathed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
How do you know she went to the police when it happened?? Let me guess - she told you that, right?

Go to them NOW and file a report.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,515 Posts
I have recently found out that my wife of 25 years cheated on me 3 years ago. I found out by snooping in on her Facebook site where she had spoken to many of her friends about it. When confronted she claims she was raped and then the man had a hold over her. She claims he threatened to tell me about what happened unless she was "his". So, to protect me (apparently), she had sex with him for 18 months until she could eventually get away from him and his controlling behavior. She admits to telling him she loved him but claims she didn't and that some form of chemical reaction kicked in, similar to what happened to Patty Hurst, when she was kidnapped. This sounds bizarre to the extreme and I am confused. The thing is I love her and I believe she does love me and is remorseful of what happened. Can I trust her in the future? Is this just a "BS" story. I'm hurt, angry and vulnerable so during a the temporary separation we went through I had a brief sexual encounter with a woman. This has complicated matters even further and mybwife is livid with me. We are trying to make our marriage work but there are lot of difficult obstacles ahead.

Anyone been through anything similar to this?
I would have to say that Yes, it is a BS story. She is feeding you garbage to cover her own arse!

And let's say for one second that this guy actually did rape her, Not once but for the last 18 months. And if he did tell you what happened, that would only incriminate HIM. So yeah she is feeding you Bullsh!t.

She had an ongoing 18 month sexual relationship with this so called rapist.

It is highly unlikely that the story she is telling you is the truth.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,079 Posts
Women who BS like this and chances are is falsely accusing this so-called "rapist" that she had a physical affair with -> make it difficult for other women - REAL rape victims to recieve the proper justice that they deserve; just like the boy who cried fking wolf.

I would divorce her, but that's just me.
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top