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Here's my story. I am an active duty military person. I moved from Georgia to Arizona in Jan of 2012. My wife and three step kids (we have been married for 8 years) stayed behind-my step kids are in high school and wanted to finish in georgia. Also, our marriage at the time was struggling. Anyway, my wife came to AZ for a week in june to start court proceedings to have her ex's parental rights stripped. It was a great week. We had great sex (1st for me in over a year and a half). She goes back to GA and i find out a short time later she was in the middle of an affair when she came out to AZ. She was texting him naked pictures of herself while she was here. She had my kids stay the night with friends the first night back so he could come over and have sex with her in my bed in my house. Oh, he lives 500 miles away in Virginia!!! Over the three month affair he made 15-16 trips!!!! She took my oldest daughter to VA to see him 'to do a tour of William and Mary'. They stayed in his house for three nights. She would sneek into his bedroom at night to have sex. (Very angry). Anyway, i found out through the phone records-hundreds of phone calls and thousands of texts. Confronted her and she admitted it. Lots of pain...short story is she decided to move to AZ to be with me and work on marriage...or so she said. She came out here and has been nothing but a ***** the whole time. Told me she never wanted to come here, hates it here, etc. Also, she told me she was going to tell me about the affair, but AFTER i adopted my step kids!!! Also, in the six weeks she has been here we have had sex 4 times-at my asking. She hasn't initiated once. Just lays there. No effort at all. I told her we needed joint counceling and made an appointment on a saturday and she got pissed because 'it took time away from her spending time with her girls'. Even though she was spending alot of time screwing her boyfreind who lived 500 miles away. Oh, the guy she was doing is the grandfather (late 50's, she is mid 40's) of my youngest daugters best friend in GA. Also, her BEST freind just happens to be this guys daughter as well. I'm very angry and hurt, mainly by the fact that she came all the way out here and now is just punishing me for making her move. We have finally a counseling appointment this saturday, but i don't know how to approach it. I'm tired of being in a one way relationship with a selfish person. She wasn't always like this. Any advice on how to move forward?
 

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First of all thank for your serves.

The most important guestion is she still in contact with the OM (other man)?

This is important cuz until the OM is completely out of the picture and NC (no contact) is confirmed the dynamics of the marriage will be infected.

In short you can't work on a marriage when the OM is still influencing your WW (wayward wife). There is no marriage until NC is comfirmed.

So work on NC confirmation and end the affiar...it may have gone underground and it may only be an EA (emotional affiar)now... thru emails and text. That has to stop 1st then you can work on the marriage.

The reason why I suspect the affair is still going on is her continued effert to make it seem like she is misserable, there by justifing the affair to continue thru emails and text.

So quitely investigate this possiblity. The information you gather might change your tactics on how you proceed with the marriage.
 

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I'm curoius, was the affair in VA exposed or did the WW and OM have a falling out, hence the move back to AZ with you?

Maybe she came out to AZ to let things cool down with the affair and she continues to act like a witch so she doesn't feel so guilt when WW starts it back up again and moves back to VA.

Is the OM married?

Maybe the OMW (other mans wife) found out and WW got of dodge?
 

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Is the OM in the service?
Your wife shows no remorse. Only regret. Regret you found out.

You didn't express your motivation for continuing this marriage?

Is it because you have issues too? If you've only have very limited sex with her prior to the AZ move, was it her way of punishing you for real or perceived transgressions on your part?

Did you adopt her kids after all?
 

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1]She goes back to GA and i find out a short time later she was in the middle of an affair when she came out to AZ. She was texting him naked pictures of herself while she was here. She had my kids stay the night with friends the first night back so he could come over and have sex with her in my bed in my house. Oh, he lives 500 miles away in Virginia!!! Over the three month affair he made 15-16 trips!!!! She took my oldest daughter to VA to see him 'to do a tour of William and Mary'. They stayed in his house for three nights. She would sneek into his bedroom at night to have sex. (Very angry).

2] She came out here and has been nothing but a ***** the whole time. Told me she never wanted to come here, hates it here, etc. Also, she told me she was going to tell me about the affair, but AFTER i adopted my step kids!!!

3]Also, in the six weeks she has been here we have had sex 4 times-at my asking. She hasn't initiated once. Just lays there. No effort at all. I told her we needed joint counceling and made an appointment on a saturday and she got pissed because 'it took time away from her spending time with her girls'. Even though she was spending alot of time screwing her boyfreind who lived 500 miles away.
This woman is disrespecting you on every , single , level.
The parts highlighted shows the level of her disrespect.

She seems to be walking all over you.
I don't know if counselling can change that.
You need to change your approach.
 

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There are some great tips in the 'Stickies' section of this forum.

First and foremost is that she must agree to No Contact with the other man.

Second, if he is married, you need to contact his wife. After all, she should know. This also puts pressure on the other man to stop contacting your wife.

Your wife should agree to turn over all email passwords, FB passwords, cell phone texts, etc.

Retain documentation of all of this, even if she starts acting nice.

There are threads talking about doing a 180 - start this immediately.

If she refuses to do any of these, file for divorce. She needs to understand these things are not negotiable.

I'd also reveal the affair to the Best Friend to put additional pressure on your wife and the other man.

Crap - this just sucks. I'm sorry you're here.
 

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ok, to reply to some of the posts. I am still dearly in love with my wife-although i may need a smack in the head. The affair ended because it was exposed. (by me) I looked at the cell phone bill one day and noticed the LARGE amount of phone calls. The OM is a retired officer working for the Department of Veterans Affairs (which gives that a whole new meaning for me) As far as I can tell the affair is over, but i have suspicions, which are centered around her 'best friend' and coincidentally the daughter of the man she was having the affiar with (the friend is 17 years her junior, the OM is about 12 years her senior). During the initial stages she was still calling and talking and texting the best friend every day. I didn't understand how this friend would still talk to her when she found out her friend (my wife) was screwing her dad. I believed that the friend was enabling and supporting my wife's affair. However, now i am not too sure. About two months ago the OM texted my wife out of the blue. This happened about a week before she moved to AZ. Also on the same day my wife had the last contact with the best friend (until recently). My wife insists the friend was 'just busy' and there is no reason why they suddenly stopped talking. (normal was 5-6 phone callss and 20-30 texts per day, now nothing). My wife at the time of this told me she realized she was being loyal to the wrong person (the friend) and apologized to me because she realized the only way the OM found out she was moving was through her friend. Fast forward to last week-now my wife says she only said the apology about being loyal to shut me up and she has been begging her friend to forgive her and telling her that she 'loves' her. So i beleive one of three things-the friend knew about the affiar and got mad at my wife because she left her dad for me, or the friend found out the affair was real and got mad at my wife for screwing her dad, or my wife was having an affair with the 'friend'.

The adoption is still in the works. Don't know what to do here. Kids supposedly don't know about the affair, they just know we are having serious issues. (because they got uprooted and moved in the middle of the school year with very little notice and they are 16, 15 and 12).

Also, she has send a 'gift' to the friend. Along with a pre paid phone to allow my youngest daughter to talk to her friend. I believe my wife may have a 'secret' phone to communicate to this friend or the OM.
 

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oh yeah, during this ordeal she came to see me for a week to figure out what we should do. She was texting this friend of hers (the OM's daughter) until she got to tucson where the texts magically got deleted. Also, during the actual move the OM was continuing to text and she sent him one text back and it got deleted before i could read it. I have since had to block his number from her phone.
 

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Also, she has send a 'gift' to the friend. Along with a pre paid phone to allow my youngest daughter to talk to her friend. I believe my wife may have a 'secret' phone to communicate to this friend or the OM.
Listen to yourself.......just listen to yourself. why put yourself through all this nonesense...all in the name of love? I'll bet money if it was you doing all these things she not only would have thrown you out of the house she'd have cleared your bank accounts too.

Wake up and move the hell on! Your relationship is fractured at best.
 

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@TCSreadhead-thanks, i'll look for those 180 threads. I agree that she needs to do this. I am just finished with her continued behavior and i know i can't put up with it any more. I just don't know how to 'enable' the 180. Just a flat out demand?
 

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When you exposed the affair and confronted your WW i bet you revealed your source on how you found out???? With that said I bet she has a burner (hinden phone/prepaid).

Especially when you can find a timeline were a dramatic change in your WW behaviors took place...maybe weeks ago/days ago.


Going back to my point how important NC is! See it?

Was there a time when she was a witch (withdraws from OM) then was nice (working on the marriage) then she became a witch again?

I'm guessing there is a time line when she had withdrawls from OM, tried working on the marriage, but then contact with OM or even TF(toxic friend) that may have or may not have enabled the affair.

Look for that burner phone.
 

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Thank you for your service. And I must say, I hate women that cheat on military men. I think they should be tried in court.

The 180 is pretty much you:

Not talking to her
Not being affectionate to her
Not being around her
Not initiating any sex with her
Not helping her out in any way
Not responding to her calls
Not responding to her text
Not doing what she asks you to do (like fill up her car, or help her put the dishes away)

And focuses on you:
Finding new hobbies that you enjoy
Meeting new people (guys and girls) to improve your social life
Going to a gym (but since you're a military man, you probably are already in good shape)
Getting out of the house
Moving on
Doing only what are your duties in the house


The purpose of the 180, is two fold:
First, it shows your wayward that: You don't need them, you can have a life, you can move on, and your life will still be awesome without them. Like salt in the wound.
Also it is designed to help you get to indifference to your spouse. Once you hit indifference, you are gone. You no longer care for them, and you can begin meeting new people, divorce, and realize you are not losing your soul mate, but just a piece of lying, cheating trash.

And you don't demand a 180.
You just do it.

Like, I can't demand someone act a certain way. They just do it.

I would suggest divorce.

Once you divorce, go back to school and get a degree, then get a good job, and make money, and start hookig up with younger women and post it on your facebook wall.
Your ex-wife will eventually get hit by the karma bus, and you'll be happy. Because you'll have someone that loves you, respects you, and you'll have this sad and hurtful chapter of your life behind you.

I wish you the best of luck.
 

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@TCSreadhead-thanks, i'll look for those 180 threads. I agree that she needs to do this. I am just finished with her continued behavior and i know i can't put up with it any more. I just don't know how to 'enable' the 180. Just a flat out demand?
So, to be clear and transparent in my case, I am the cheater. I had an emotional affair with my colleague. I won't lie - I was pissed off when my husband found out. How dare he spy on me!

I reacted terribly - telling him I wanted a divorce, how dare he spy on me, etc. All of this was to shift blame and attention so I could find ways to take this all underground. I fluctuated from being cold as ice and ignoring him to angry and hostile to sweet and loving. How he didn't lose his mind during this, I'll never know.

I would reveal this affair to her family and friends. It will expose it all and embarrass her but it will also put pressure on her to either fix this or finish it. My husband told some of the more graphic details to my daughters (18 and 20 years old at the time) but this wasn't a smart idea. It created a very hostile environment for him as they went into 'mom protection mode' even though he's the only father figure they've ever know. I would be cautious and seek out a counselor in helping you determine how to proceed with the kids.

The 180 isn't about your wife, it's about protecting you at this point. You need to gain some distance and let her know you're serious. I would talk to an attorney about filing for separation to let her know you're not playing games.

Have her email him a No Contact letter (in front of you). She needs to hand over all cell phones so you can look at them (don't give her time to delete/change things).

If she balks at any of this, you don't stand a chance of saving this marriage.
 
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The 180 is for you and it has nothing to do with your wife or getting her or the marriage back.

They are steps the help protect *you* from more emotional torture, the 180 helps *you* emotionally detach so you can move on with or with out your WW.

Poeple try to use the 180 to get there marriage back and it fails every time. The 180 is all about you and the emotional protection you must have to get thru these tough times.

In some case the WW see these changes and makes the choice to do what they need to do to keep you from leaving. This is just a by product of the 180. The way the wayward reacts can go the other way also and want to still bail from the marriage. Irregardless the 180 helps you to move on. It will always be up to your WW to join you are not.
 

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I think you know the answer to this already; let me paint you a picture from a military standpoint.

Imagine yourself located at an FOB in Afghanistan. Imagine that every time you took fire, your guys threw down their weapons and hid behind a Hesco. Now try to imagine what the enemy would make of this behavior and how they would respond to it.

Get the point? Your position is being overrun, you have no choice now but to stand and fight, surrender isn't an option, the enemy has already shown you that they're taking no prisoners.

T
 

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DO NOT adopt those kids. Right now it might seem like a good idea to you so that you will have some connection to your wife. However, that isn't going to change how she acts or feels, and if it does it will only be for a short period. Unfortunately your situation (military/infidelity) isn't that uncommon.


Remember, she betrayed you. 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.' Do the 180 and get out.
 
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