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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I really need some advise. This is an infidelity case as well as a drug addiction case so I don't know where to post it. I've got a problem with the infidelity more than with the addiction so I decided this is probably where I should post.

This is a long story, but I'll try to keep it as short as I can.

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 8. We have a beautiful 5 year old son. We spoke about three years ago about our marriage and she said that she wasn't happy. I wasn't the model husband and she did everything for me and I mean litterally everything. After our discussion I still did not change much and kept on doing what I was doing.

A few months later she started using drugs (I didn't know at the time). She started cheating on me with her business partner and then later with an old school boyfriend and last year with a family friend.

She actually had a love relationship not just cheating with her business partner for the past 2 years while using drugs. She has tried to leave as she just gave the business to him and we moved further away. This didn't help and she lied even more just to get and see him.

Needless to say that we weren't communicating alot during this time and we both were very unhappy.

I found out about the infidelity first and took our son and moved out. Things then got out of control. She was never home and slept over at this guy's place almost every night.

I then found out that they were using drugs together. I helped her and admitted her into a rehab centre. While she was there I moved back into our house. She has phoned him while in rehab and he came and visit which I only found out about later. When she got out of rehab I found out that she had an abortion with his child while she was in rehab. I didn't know about this until recently.

She came clean about everything when she moved back into the house, but has since been contacting him secretly. She says that she wants to try and work things out between us. She has since shown remorse and I can see that she's actually trying. I am also trying and has never been as good of a husband and father as I am now. I got to realise my flaws and am working damn hard on it. Helping out in the house. Saying I love you. Spending more time together and going out on date nights.

I thought things were getting better, but found out that she had another cellphone number which only he knew about and that they are contacting each other on that phone. He keeps on saying that he misses her and loves her, but I cannot see what she sends him back. She promises me that she doesn't want him and want me and that she doesn't reply to those texts. She says that she's got that number so that she can sort things out as he owes her money and she wants to get the money from him. She knew that I would've been upset if she contacted him and that's why she's done it secretly. She says there's nothing between them anymore and that she really doesn't want to loose me. She also said that she needed someone to talk to when it came to the drug addiction and I won't understand as I'm not addicted. She needed someone to talk to that understands and that's why she contacted him as he used with her and understands her.

She has said she won't contact him again and has broken the sim card without me having to request it.

My question is what do I do? She's still in a halfway house and I only see her on weekends. Everybody says I should give her tough love, but in my situation it won't work. I can't kick her out all together because she's got a fall back and a place to stay.

I want this marriage to survive this, but don't know if she's truthful and can't trust anything she says.
 

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Most rehab I've ever heard of strongly recommend that you cut all ties with those in your former life that were part of your addiction lifestyle. I would think that would apply in her case and would include her former business partner.

These cheaters are excellent liars. A drug addict who also is a cheater - that must be one really fantastic liar.

The part about staying in contact with him because she needed the money was believable to me. Of course, any such contact would not need to be hidden (unless she was using sex to get the money back); but the part about needing to stay in touch because he also is an addict and knows how she feels sounds like rubbish and probably something the rehab counsels against.

Let's face it, the desire for this guy is strong. She cheated with him, plus he represents the high of the drug use, too, so the pull to him has to be pretty great. The fact that so much transpired that you had no clue about shows how well she is able to hide information from you. Her skill as a liar is far above your skill to detect her, especially if she is not living with you.

How long will she be in the halfway house?

What does she do with her time (how does she spend her days)?

After the halfway house, will she have a job?

While she was using and cheating, how often did she see her son? How about now, how often does she see her son? What type of relationship is there between her and her son? Most five-year-olds are very attached to their mommys - is that true with your wife?

You mention other affairs - the old school boyfriend and the family friend - what happened with those?
The only way you can rebuild trust is by her actions matching up to her words. While she is in the halfway house and you only see her on the weekends, it's more difficult to tell if what she says is true than if she were living with you. I don't see how you can rebuild your trust in her if she is not living in the same house as you.

HE has to rebuild your trust, you can not do it. BY HER ACTIONS, she must show you she is trustworthy. Ideally, she would give you access to all her communication accounts and devices to allow you to verify for yourself that she is not continuing to cheat on you. Over time, weeks or a few months, you will stop checking up on her so much as you are able to verify her truthfulness. Eventually, checking up on her will become a rare occurrence.

But it's not going to happen while she is living apart from you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you for getting back to me and most of the things you say are true.

Most rehab I've ever heard of strongly recommend that you cut all ties with those in your former life that were part of your addiction lifestyle. I would think that would apply in her case and would include her former business partner.

These cheaters are excellent liars. A drug addict who also is a cheater - that must be one really fantastic liar.
The rehab and councillors did not allow her to see him, but she got it right to manipulate them. As you say she's a very VERY good liar. Once they found out that she lied to them they held a very closer eye on her.

She found out that she was pregnant while in rehab. He was the father. She didn't want his child and the rehab centre told her that she should tell him and that she should do it there under their supervision, which she did.

The part about staying in contact with him because she needed the money was believable to me. Of course, any such contact would not need to be hidden (unless she was using sex to get the money back); but the part about needing to stay in touch because he also is an addict and knows how she feels sounds like rubbish and probably something the rehab counsels against.
She promises that she is not physical with him at all and that she actually ignores sms coming from him that he tells her he misses her and he loves her. The money story does make sense. I know that he owes her money.

The part about she having to see someone that understands is not believable I know. She had a meeting on Monday at the halfway house to let her know that she cannot and should not have any contact with him since he is a using buddy. The thing is she knows that, but I think since they do have contact so that she can get her money back, it's easy to talk to him about stuff that frustrates her during her recovery. She should actually not do it and has promised she will stop immediately.

How long will she be in the halfway house?
Not sure, probably 3 months, they will assess after a month and then get back to me. They do recommend 3 months, but this isn't just about addiction and that's the problem. She wants to come home end of Feb. She actually doesn't want to be there anymore and really wants to return home now.

What does she do with her time (how does she spend her days)?
She's actually already working. The halfway house allowed her to work since she has been in primary care for 8 weeks. She works close to me and we do take lunch together sometimes.

While she was using and cheating, how often did she see her son? How about now, how often does she see her son? What type of relationship is there between her and her son? Most five-year-olds are very attached to their mommys - is that true with your wife?
She saw him everyday before I found out about this whole thing. She never really left the house at night when I was there since she did get what she wanted during the day. She sees our son every weekend at this point. He is very attached to her, but I have taken over that role it seems. When he does see her he doesn't want to let her go, but when she's not there he's actually ok with it. He does ask every day when we will be seeing mommy again.

You mention other affairs - the old school boyfriend and the family friend - what happened with those?
She ended them immediately. The old school boyfriend was a once off and there was no real relationship.

The family friend was also an emotional relationship, but she used him to complain about how bad our marriage was. He was the shoulder she cried on when things were going tough. He took advantage and they started an emotional relationship which turned physical after a while.

She hasn't contacted any of them yet.

The only way you can rebuild trust is by her actions matching up to her words. While she is in the halfway house and you only see her on the weekends, it's more difficult to tell if what she says is true than if she were living with you. I don't see how you can rebuild your trust in her if she is not living in the same house as you.

HE has to rebuild your trust, you can not do it. BY HER ACTIONS, she must show you she is trustworthy. Ideally, she would give you access to all her communication accounts and devices to allow you to verify for yourself that she is not continuing to cheat on you. Over time, weeks or a few months, you will stop checking up on her so much as you are able to verify her truthfulness. Eventually, checking up on her will become a rare occurrence.

But it's not going to happen while she is living apart from you.
She is trying and she's doing everything right at this stage, except for contacting her former business partner for money.

She has given all her passwords to everything. Email accounts, social networking sites, I even have access to call and text records. I can see every text coming in and going out on her phone without needing the phone.

I was thinking it's getting better and then this bombshell hit me yesterday and she had another sim in her phone. She did break the sim and I threw it away and said that she doesn't need to do this anymore and she doesn't want to hurt me anymore as I am very good to her and she loves me. She just can't understand how I can love her and that makes her doubt my intentions. She thinks I want to get back to her which is not the case. She's still paranoid about this, but it is getting better.

What do you suggest I do here? How do I deal with this situation? More importantly how do I handle her? I did learn how to see when she is lying and she can't do it with me that easily anymore. In the past I trusted her in everything and that's why I didn't pick up on her lies and deceipt, but now my eyes are way open. This is how I found out that she's still lying to me about something and that's how I found out that she was still in contact with him.
 

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You really can't do too much more than you are now while she's still in the halfway house. Visit her as much as you can, have lunch with her as much as you can, and keep your eyes and ears open. Keep monitoring the call and texts and do what you can.

You will have a better sense of what is going on with her when you are living together. It's a long road, even after she comes back home, just take it day by day at this point.

When she comes back home, you will be able to set up some voice-activated recorders in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you are not around, or in her car. These usually are not something the cheater thinks of, they usually are focused on you monitoring the call log, they get a burner phone, they take other means - so the voice-activated recorders allow you to gauge their true behavior. Within a week after using them, you either feel much better that there is no cheating going on or you find out that you are still being lied to. They either help you rebuild trust or stop you from enduring more lies and pain. You stop using them when you feel you have the truth, one way or the other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I thought I would keep on doing what I'm doing now. It's a matter of time before I would know which way to go. I really do love her, but I can't be unhappy for the rest of my life because of that.

I do think that if she's honest and I can trust and maybe eventually forgive that things will get better.

Thanks for the help Will_Kane.
 

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This is very simple. OM is gone or divorce. No bargaining.
If OM owns her money you both set up an email account
to deal with this matter as a team. OM is blocked from any other avuenue.
It's a boundarie/dealbreaker, she's all in or not.
OM in the picture? Divorce.
Of course you need to follow through with this.

Whether you were a mediocre husband in the past is irrellevant in this matter. As long OM is in the picture at any capacity you remove yourself from the equation.

Of course you put yourself in PI mode; keyloggers, VARs, GPSs, phone bugs, whatever.
 

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I think it is admirable for you to want to stay because of your child.

However, because she is a drug addict, I don't think you need to be that admirable.

Infidelity can be worked out - as much as possible that is - by way of a lot of marriage counseling. You guys should go twice weekly, by the way, if she agrees. If you can get her to get her tish together, then she could learn to be a good wife and learn to be a good parent - if it was just infidelity.

However, you mix in drugs and this is a double wammy, as you know. She is not only not a good parent because of the infidelity, she is a bad parent for being a drug addict and having a young child.

A drug addict is a bad parent.

This is worse than the infidelity.

I rarely suggest separation, but I think you need to separate and get the best lawyer - this is clear case of being a horrible parent.

Then, and this is a huge then, if she can really come clean on both addictions: OM and drugs, then she can become a good parent and wife - with constant counseling.

Just my humble opinion.

I'm suffering from an infidel also - however he goes to 2 - 12 step meetings per week = all on his own. He goes to therapy once a week - all on his own. He goes to group therapy once a week = all on his own. We have a 3 year old child

If there was drugs - ADIOS AMIGO!
 

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Thinking more on this, I realize that is my deal breaker - drugs.

Some people really do believe that infidelity is a deal breaker, even if they have kids. I think that kids out weigh the infidelity.

The abortion tihs is tough, and I am so sorry for you. I almost think it would have been more admirable for her to have the child and you both raise it - a lot of couples do that..quite a few children have a different father than they know of. But then, maybe it would have been f'd up from the drugs. See, that's why this drug business is so much worse to me.

But, maybe you see it as rehab will help end all this. You didn't say which drug, but the fact that you put her in rehab - or someone did - seems to be that is was a tough drug.

Anyway, I just want you to know that even though I was so tough on my previous post - I understand that extreme trauma you are going through. Drugs are my deal breaker. Other people don't think drugs are that bad. But they think infidelity is the worst. The problem for you is that you can't even think straight cuz you have a five year old, there was an infidelity, an abortion, drugs... Too much for you to handle and try and make a decision, you probably feel. Keep posting - and figure out for yourself what the deal breaker is - THEN MAYBE - she will get it. Her bottom seems bottomless to me, kiddo. Good luck. Get that deal breaker in gear until then maybe detach as much as possible. I hope you have an excellent counselor for both you and your son.
 

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Sadsid,

I don't consider myself one of the hardliners on this forum. I believe R is a viable option in many cases of infidelity. I'm in R myself, trying to recover from her spectacular betrayal; and I got ample advice to the contrary.

But your wife is a serial cheater and an addict. With such a history of lying to you, it's difficult to know how remorseful she is or will be - given her track record of deceit. I think you need to be realistic about the chances of successful R with her. In my view, they are slim. Sometimes the best course is to walk away.

If you do decide to make a go of it, you'll need to monitor her like a hawk, draw a line in the sand and don't let her cross it. Not even once. Good luck if you try.
 

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Like boogie said she may have to hit bottom you may have to let her go. What if she goes out going to buy drugs and leaves the kid alone or has the kid in the car and is driving impaired? Infidelity is one thing but this? I don't know.
 

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You said she has fallback options, does that mean going back to om that got her knocked up? Dude if she does that forget it it's over already jmo.
 

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She's sandbagging you big time. She's not going to let go of her AP. Not now and not until something terrible happens.

If she wanted her money back, why not hire a lawyer to handle the situation? A lawsuit takes care of that issue. No need for secret phones, and drama.

Why break the sim card? Throw away the phone. No money for her at all. For all you know she is still using. Does she get tested every few days?

You want her back as a good wife, non user. I want some stranger to give me a million dollars. I know I'm not going to get what I want. You aren't either.
 

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She's sandbagging you big time. She's not going to let go of her AP. Not now and not until something terrible happens.

If she wanted her money back, why not hire a lawyer to handle the situation? A lawsuit takes care of that issue. No need for secret phones, and drama.

Why break the sim card? Throw away the phone. No money for her at all. For all you know she is still using. Does she get tested every few days?

You want her back as a good wife, non user. I want some stranger to give me a million dollars. I know I'm not going to get what I want. You aren't either.
WalkOn, this is my feeling EXACTLY! My now ex husband is going through an eerily similar situation with his first wife, (maybe his again wife? Im not sure at this point!) But she just keeps on sh!tting on him and he just keeps on taking it, thinking oh THIS time will be different, oh no, THIS time, no, THIS time...Its not going happen, sad to say. :(
 

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I don't know if it's irreconcilable. Depends on you two.

She obviously has very poor boundaries and very very low self-esteem and a fvcked-up character. Infidelity and drugs? Why didn't she just go do a GTA or rob a bank while she's at it? That means you have to be the one to set up boundaries. You're not only going to be a husband, but also a teacher, a dad and at the same protecting yourself and not letting her walk over you.

It will be harder than most marriages. It can be dome if you are both willing and she starts using the organ beneath her scalp. You both will have to get some serious therapy. (yes, you too, because dude you went and picked someone like that... didn't you notice anything odd about her? I bet she didn't change overnight?)

But, there is a good enough chance that the marriage won't make it. Be ready to walk with your head held high and without any regrets. You weren't the faulty one in this.

And btw why don't you take the legal route for taking the money back?
 

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Meth and sex with her OM every day at work, huh? That's quite a combination. I doubt she can be salvaged. Give it a shot, but don't stay too long.
 

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1. Take away her cell phone. No at all for her.
2. Get a lawyer and sue the OM for the money.
3. Call the cops and report the OM for possessing drugs.

Btw, OM will find a way to get meth to her. It's his power and link to her and he knows it.

That's why she wants to talk to him, do she can know that he and drugs will be there for her.

Honestly I'd divorce her and go for full custody. She's not a fit mother and she is continuous liar. She has chosen him over you. I bet she doesn't lie to him about having contact with you.
 

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My question is what do I do
You have a moral obligation to safeguard your child... while you're at it, safeguard yourself. Sometimes destructiveness is just that, destructive; you can't stop it, but you can get out of the way.

T
 
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I do think that if she's honest and I can trust and maybe eventually forgive that things will get better.
She won't. You won't. It won't.

It's time to face reality. Sorry.

T
 
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Can't determine which is worse. Her open infidelity or the possibility that she'll be zonked out on crack when she's suppose to be taking care of the child.
In either case, I would have dumped her as soon as I found out about either problem, but that's just me and I'm a hard ass.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thanks for all the replies. Yes it is a very difficult time for me and I'm going through emotions. I have hardened myself and have become much more independent. Something I always was, but got used to being cared for and lost that independency.

There's a lot still on my mind on what to do even though the majority of you say that I should just leave her.

I cannot take away her phone as she is currently working and she needs to have it with her during the day. By taking away the phone I am still not guaranteed that she won't contact him when at work from her work phone or email.

I have actually spied a bit on her last night and got a hold of her work notebook. The OM is emailing her all the time, telling her that he loves her and misses her and she shouldn't throw him away. Her replies to that is short telling him that he must stop phoning and texting her.

Now for the surprise.

She's got withdrawels at the moment because of the relapse and she's got it fairly bad this time. A lot of muscle twitching and muscle soreness.

In one of the replies to the OM she told him that he must come over to her and help her. In my eyes she wanted more drugs and that's probably the help she wanted.

She also told him that he must not phone or sms because I can read everything. At points she greeted him in the emails with "Hi my darling". Except for that the emails from her to him is short and cold.

I confronted her about it and she said that she wanted him to come over so that he can take her to the doc. She didn't want to bother me at work and she feels like a failure to me and she's always sick and she doesn't want me to see her as a weakling. That was her excuse for asking the OM to come over and help her.

He didn't come as she ignored his following email.

I gave her the ultimatum today. It's NO contact or DIVORCE and I'll stick to it.

I'm hoping she'll stick to it too, but only time will tell.
 
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