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I've read a bunch of posts on here and looking for some feedback. Here's my story:

My wife and I have been married for 7 years and we have 3 boys together. It has been a little rocky but through everything we still love each other. So last summer she found out I cheated on her several times with another woman. She eventually forgave me after I promised to never speak to the woman ever again. We were still working through it and things seemed to be going pretty well. We moved into a new place and in order to help with the additional bills she took up a new job at a night club as a ****tail waitress. Honestly I trusted her and was ok with it because she always reassured me that she was completely against any cheating.

After about 3 months of lonely nights, I decided I wanted to try a separation due to disagreements in the relationship and she actually agreed. This was surprising to me because she was the one that was always "clingy". I actually felt relieved after we talked about it because we decided that we were best friends and maybe some time apart would make things better. We decided I would look for a place and we would work our relationship and start to court each other again. I remained in the house because finances didn't allow for me to move out immediately. We were still having sex, she still kissed me every morning and night when she went to work at the club. Not much had really changed. She told me she loved me a lot. Then one saturday night she came home extremely late. When she came home I was still awake as I could never sleep when she was working, I was furious and we had a huge argument. I felt very uneasy about things but I didn't suspect she was cheating. So the following Tuesday I was talking with a coworker and decided to check the phone bill. I wrote down several phone numbers and called them claiming I had the wrong number.

When I got home I asked her who the numbers were, one imparticular she said was an old high school girlfriend and even showed me the contact. Actually a text came through when she was in the other room from the "girlfriend" and I could have looked at it but didn't out of respect. So that's when everything blew up. Later that night I assume the guy told her I called him and wanted to break things off with her. She became furious at me and fessed up about the affair. She had sex with the other man. She only fessed up to one time and I learned later that it was twice.

I love my wife and we are working on things but it has only been two months and while she continually tells me how much she loves me, I can't help but replay him and her having sex. She did it in his car and went to his house once. She said he was not good in bed but we all know that is just to spare my ego. I haven't forgave her yet and just want to get passed it all.

Any advice?
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Your marriage is a mess. Maybe you should take a lesson from your wife and ask her how she ended up recovering from your affair.

It's quite possible this was revenge on her part.

Maybe counseling?
 

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Hm..., yea I got a few.

She has sex with someone else because she wanted to, because she thought that because another man still found her attractive, that she must still have it. And she couldn't turn away the attention.

And because women get emotional when they have sex, she started developing feelings for the other man. But you confronted her, and she realized, "SH!T, my life is going to be torn out from under me! I need to fix this!!!"

So right now, she is doing one of two things:

1. She took the affair underground, and is doing what people call a false reconciliation. Continue the affair for the family and security your provide. That way, she can straddle the fence and the other man at the same time to see which she likes more.

Or

2. She realized she messed up big time, and is trying to fix it. Because she does seem to be putting a lot of effort into trying to love you. But who knows if it is genuine, or just an act.



Other people will have a better way of judging.

As for forgiveness:
As she earned it?
Has she earned your love back?
Does she deserve your love from the way she is acting right now?
What has she done to earn your trust back?
How transparent is she?
How many of your demands when you found out about the infidelity did she give in to?

That list of questions will only get longer and harder. Hope you are up for it dude.

OH, and sorry you are here.
 

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Keep working on it! The key thing you said is that you love her. There are reasons why she cheated and it usually signals that she has some issues with you and or your marriage. Women sometimes cheat because they don't feel emotionally connected with their spouse, they are bored and feel there is no fun in their marriage, or they don't feel attractive to their spouse anymore. Basically it means that she received from the other what she wasn't getting from you. Work really hard to get down to the bottom of it. I know it's hard and forgiving your spouse's infidelity is going to be tough, but it can be done in time, but it's also something that you will never forget.
 

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Hm..., yea I got a few.

She has sex with someone else because she wanted to, because she thought that because another man still found her attractive, that she must still have it. And she couldn't turn away the attention.

And because women get emotional when they have sex, she started developing feelings for the other man. But you confronted her, and she realized, "SH!T, my life is going to be torn out from under me! I need to fix this!!!"

So right now, she is doing one of two things:

1. She took the affair underground, and is doing what people call a false reconciliation. Continue the affair for the family and security your provide. That way, she can straddle the fence and the other man at the same time to see which she likes more.

Or

2. She realized she messed up big time, and is trying to fix it. Because she does seem to be putting a lot of effort into trying to love you. But who knows if it is genuine, or just an act.



Other people will have a better way of judging.

As for forgiveness:
As she earned it?
Has she earned your love back?
Does she deserve your love from the way she is acting right now?
What has she done to earn your trust back?
How transparent is she?
How many of your demands when you found out about the infidelity did she give in to?

That list of questions will only get longer and harder. Hope you are up for it dude.

OH, and sorry you are here.
When I have a bad day and ask her about the details, she is dismissive and tells me that if we're going to get past this then we won't move forward. I know this is true but she seems angry at me. It upsets me that she doesn't want to talk about things. She has been transparent and even though I cheated on her I want to make this work
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Im guessing she felt unattractive when you cheated on her and then when she realized someone else noticed her and she still "had it", it went from there.

This is a pretty messed up situation. You need to talk to her about how she coped with you doing this to her. Did she ever get over it or did she just suppress it?

I wonder....when you were having your affair you obviously didnt want her at that moment or care about how it would affect her when she found out but now do you think you want her more knowing that someone else would have her? Or because you genuinely love her? You need to ponder that a while!
 

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Im guessing she felt unattractive when you cheated on her and then when she realized someone else noticed her and she still "had it", it went from there.

This is a pretty messed up situation. You need to talk to her about how she coped with you doing this to her. Did she ever get over it or did she just suppress it?

I wonder....when you were having your affair you obviously didnt want her at that moment or care about how it would affect her when she found out but now do you think you want her more knowing that someone else would have her? Or because you genuinely love her? You need to ponder that a while!

I always loved her and tried to make things work in the past. When I cheated on her, we weren't having much sex. By that I mean 3 month droughts. She would pass it off as she just didn't feel like doing it. I didn't feel cared for. Many different things. I had been trying to make things better for a full year after I had an affair.
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You've both made the mistake. Sounds like your wife is the "Revenge cheater" type. When you cheat on somebody they never fully forgive you. Ever. They stop talking about it, but the rage is always stirring.
 

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I always loved her and tried to make things work in the past. When I cheated on her, we weren't having much sex. By that I mean 3 month droughts. She would pass it off as she just didn't feel like doing it. I didn't feel cared for. Many different things. I had been trying to make things better for a full year after I had an affair.
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You two are a mess. Three kids...that is a shame that they have to deal with whatever fallout there is between the two of you. There is never an excuse to go out of the marriage for sex or emotional fulfillment for either of you. She probably did this to get revenge on you for what you did to her, no doubt. Now the two of you need to put all of your cards on the table and work this out for real. I'll bet money that there are parts of your affairs that you didn't tell her. Both need to be honest and transparent from here on out if this marriage is to last.
 
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