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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,

Yet another victim of Spousal infidelity.... not great!

We have been married for about 14 years, and together longer, SHe had a past - 3 husbands, and a history of infidelity. SHe was up front about it. I later found out that she had a daughter with one of the husbands, and that he took the daughter away as a result of the cheating, and then denied her access.

We discussed it all, and agreed that should we feel like the marriage wasn't working, we would discuss and talk things through, rather than just cheat. I have been faithful throughout the marriage, and just found out she was cheating.

I see terms like "an emotional affair" and she claims they only kissed, but I had left my tablet recording audio at home one night when I had to go out, and there was a couple of conversations with the guy on the phone starting about 2 minutes after I left the house. It may have been emotional only - excluding the kisses, but that was likely due to the fact I caught it at an early stage.

She has professed that same stuff that others have written about here - mistake, undying love, no-one else to live for, and I know what to do, end it - and try to rebuild a life.

What I hate the most is that we have a 6 year old, who will be damaged by this. I want to protect her as much as possible, and so am being "practical" in every way I can to help get her up & running somewhere else (we have unusual circumstances).

I would just love to hear from some women out there who have cheated, been caught, and wanted forgiveness to see firstly what made you think you deserved it, and how you expected your Husbands to forgive & forget.

I would also like to hear from other men who have faced this, to see what you did, and what the results were.....
 

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sorry to hear but rule #1 in the cheaters guide we just kissed= we had sex and it was awsome and im not stopping. ive been here done that divorced 9 years ago remarrried 6 years later. you may forgive but you will NEVER forget. AND YOU caught it its not over it will go under ground.

the so called undying love means (well 95% of the time 5% they mean it) you are plan b and plan A hasnt developed yet i need more time.

again sorry but a cheater can stop after 1 affair! if they end it and show remourse but what you have said she is a serial CHEATER and she will never stop sorry man file for D get the upper hand.
 

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Sadly, I don't see much hope when dealing with a serial cheater, but my advice is if you want to try to save the marriage, you have to do exactly what everyone here tells you to do. They know what they are talking about.
 

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I see terms like "an emotional affair" and she claims they only kissed, but I had left my tablet recording audio at home one night when I had to go out, and there was a couple of conversations with the guy on the phone starting about 2 minutes after I left the house. It may have been emotional only - excluding the kisses, but that was likely due to the fact I caught it at an early stage.

She has professed that same stuff that others have written about here - mistake, undying love, no-one else to live for, and I know what to do, end it - and try to rebuild a life.

What I hate the most is that we have a 6 year old, who will be damaged by this. I want to protect her as much as possible, and so am being "practical" in every way I can to help get her up & running somewhere else (we have unusual circumstances).

I would just love to hear from some women out there who have cheated, been caught, and wanted forgiveness to see firstly what made you think you deserved it, and how you expected your Husbands to forgive & forget.

I would also like to hear from other men who have faced this, to see what you did, and what the results were.....
The blue above - just words. Cheaters lie. Don't believe the words, believe the actions.

We all have different boundaries and limits. Me, married 14 with a six-year-old, I probably try to reconcile if wife is sorry, willing to cease the affair, and willing to PROVE IT BY ACTIONS.

1. She handwrites a no contact letter to the other man stating that she wants no more contact, and if he tries to contact her she will file harrassment charges against him. If he attempts to contact her, she does not answer or respond and lets you know about it immediately.

2. She gives up passwords to all communication devices and accounts, agrees not to delete anything going forward. Agrees to let you know her whereabouts 24/7. She blocks him on Facebook or she deletes her Facebook account. If you feel you need it, she gets rid of her cell phone, too, or at least blocks his phone number on there.

3. She gives you the whole truth and allows you to verify it. Other man's name, where he lives, where he works, his home phone number, his work phone number, his email address, his facebook page, how she met him, his wife's name, how long he's been married, how many kids he has, etc. When it started, how many times they had sex, why she did it, whatever you want to know. She handwrites out a timeline of the affair, when she first decided to get inappropriate with other man, when she first decided to have sex, when they had sex, what they did, etc. If she can't give you evidence (for example, an email dated from the day you found out stating "I can't wait for the first time we can have sex") then she agrees to take a polygraph.

4. By the way, it is highly unusual for two adults who are professing undying love for each other to meet up and only kiss. Not two adults - we are not talking about sixth-graders here. It is theoretically possible, but without proof, I would not believe it. I believe if you push enough on this, you will find out they groped, she felt his junk, had oral, had sex, it wasn't just once, etc. That's what happens more times than not. All the cheaters start out with "we were just friends" and "we only kissed once." It almost never turns out to be the truth. If the story doesn't seem to make sense, like "we just kissed once," then it's probably a lie.

5. You contact other man's wife and let her know her husband has been unfaithful. You don't tell your wife you are doing this.

6. You put a voice-activated recorder in the car and in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone so you can catch her if she is lying about ending the affair. If the voice-activated recorder turns up nothing, then you've re-built a little trust. Good either way.

7. You look at call logs on the phone bill to see if they've been contacting each other and if they match up to her call log on her phone.
 

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Two ways you can deal with this, mate.

Divorce her.

Or live with her cheating. Or, rather, stop her cheating by allowing her some leeway. The reason I raise this possibility is because, to be frank, surely you saw this day coming, based on her record?:scratchhead:

Actually, there's a third way. Counselling for her to help free her of whatever monster lurks within her. And see if you can take it from there.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
THanks, pretty much already decided on the way forward, as above, to those who ask why I married her......... I know, I believed the hype and loved her - much to the abject horror of my family at the time, and the damage that did to my relationship with them will take time to heal - at least they are not saying "told you so".

I have told her to get counselling, and see how she feels in a few months time, we can talk again at that point, but I honestly see no way back - the relationship we had was built on the "Past life not what I want now...." and now that she has repeated the behaviour (who knows if its happened before without being caught) the trust and relationship is over..... My parents - and they have to be saints for this, say "don't burn your bridges, you don't know how you will feel in time" but I can't see anything happening that would allow me to rebuild trust here, no matter how much time passes!
 

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THanks, pretty much already decided on the way forward, as above, to those who ask why I married her......... I know, I believed the hype and loved her - much to the abject horror of my family at the time, and the damage that did to my relationship with them will take time to heal - at least they are not saying "told you so".

I have told her to get counselling, and see how she feels in a few months time, we can talk again at that point, but I honestly see no way back - the relationship we had was built on the "Past life not what I want now...." and now that she has repeated the behaviour (who knows if its happened before without being caught) the trust and relationship is over..... My parents - and they have to be saints for this, say "don't burn your bridges, you don't know how you will feel in time" but I can't see anything happening that would allow me to rebuild trust here, no matter how much time passes!
Do you love her? Does she love you?

Thing is, you knew her limitations, yet you still took her on.
 

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Actually, there's a third way. Counselling for her to help free her of whatever monster lurks within her. And see if you can take it from there.
I would love to know the monsters lurking within my husband that make him have such an addictive personality (serial cheater, porn, gambling). On the outside, to those not living with him, he is such a great guy who would give you the shirt off his back, however, to those closest to him, he is the opposite. He is downright ruthless.
 

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for the record bob 99% of the people here want you to live a long happy married life we really do, we have just seen this play out way too many time. i will give you credit looks like you are seeing the light. if you want any chance and its small at saving the marriage hit her with divorce papers. shock her into reality but with her past and D 3 times this shock will most likley not work. move on find a woman who deserves to be with you!!!!
 

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for the record bob 99% of the people here want you to live a long happy married life we really do, we have just seen this play out way too many time. i will give you credit looks like you are seeing the light. if you want any chance and its small at saving the marriage hit her with divorce papers. shock her into reality but with her past and D 3 times this shock will most likley not work. move on find a woman who deserves to be with you!!!!
Yes. Too bad, in her case, she knows the routine and divorce is sort of expected at this point.
 

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Bob. You should definitely leave her so she can suffer the consequences of yet another failure due to her behaviour. She probably genuinely thought it would be different this time.. and this time her shame and despair may be that much more due to the unavoidable realization that its all her and shes messed up.

Tell her you don't know if you ever want to get back together again and that you need your own space to evaluate what you want.

Tell her the only possible way she could ever hope to resurrect this is to get into deep intensive psychological counselling, preferably from someone who specializes in infidelity. She must fix herself before she can ever be faithful to anyone and she must put in the hard work. Her word just doesn't cut it anymore.
 

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How did you find out ? What did she do to make you suspicious ?

She called him two min after you left ? Have you checked the phone records ?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
@ Warlock - I had suspicions, and was told I was being paranoid and stupid, so one night when I went out for a business meeting I left my Ipad on record, and literally 2 minutes after the door closed, she's on the phone with him!

The thing to remember with phone records, emails, etc... is that everything can be deleted, trying to go back and retrieve means that there is enough there to call it quits anyway.

Its funny how those of us who were cheated on feel guilty about forcing the split!!!
 

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Re: Re: Wife caught - what now...

@ Warlock - I had suspicions, and was told I was being paranoid and stupid, so one night when I went out for a business meeting I left my Ipad on record, and literally 2 minutes after the door closed, she's on the phone with him!

The thing to remember with phone records, emails, etc... is that everything can be deleted, trying to go back and retrieve means that there is enough there to call it quits anyway.

Its funny how those of us who were cheated on feel guilty about forcing the split!!!
The records that are kept by your cell phone service provider cant be altered or deleted. You may have to register on their web site, but the records will be there for you to look at. Even if the logs on the phone have been scrubbed, they will still be recorder by the service provider.
 

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The blue above - just words. Cheaters lie. Don't believe the words, believe the actions.

We all have different boundaries and limits. Me, married 14 with a six-year-old, I probably try to reconcile if wife is sorry, willing to cease the affair, and willing to PROVE IT BY ACTIONS.

1. She handwrites a no contact letter to the other man stating that she wants no more contact, and if he tries to contact her she will file harrassment charges against him. If he attempts to contact her, she does not answer or respond and lets you know about it immediately.

2. She gives up passwords to all communication devices and accounts, agrees not to delete anything going forward. Agrees to let you know her whereabouts 24/7. She blocks him on Facebook or she deletes her Facebook account. If you feel you need it, she gets rid of her cell phone, too, or at least blocks his phone number on there.

3. She gives you the whole truth and allows you to verify it. Other man's name, where he lives, where he works, his home phone number, his work phone number, his email address, his facebook page, how she met him, his wife's name, how long he's been married, how many kids he has, etc. When it started, how many times they had sex, why she did it, whatever you want to know. She handwrites out a timeline of the affair, when she first decided to get inappropriate with other man, when she first decided to have sex, when they had sex, what they did, etc. If she can't give you evidence (for example, an email dated from the day you found out stating "I can't wait for the first time we can have sex") then she agrees to take a polygraph.

4. By the way, it is highly unusual for two adults who are professing undying love for each other to meet up and only kiss. Not two adults - we are not talking about sixth-graders here. It is theoretically possible, but without proof, I would not believe it. I believe if you push enough on this, you will find out they groped, she felt his junk, had oral, had sex, it wasn't just once, etc. That's what happens more times than not. All the cheaters start out with "we were just friends" and "we only kissed once." It almost never turns out to be the truth. If the story doesn't seem to make sense, like "we just kissed once," then it's probably a lie.

5. You contact other man's wife and let her know her husband has been unfaithful. You don't tell your wife you are doing this.

6. You put a voice-activated recorder in the car and in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone so you can catch her if she is lying about ending the affair. If the voice-activated recorder turns up nothing, then you've re-built a little trust. Good either way.

7. You look at call logs on the phone bill to see if they've been contacting each other and if they match up to her call log on her phone.
I absolutely like this answer, this is the only way forward. Gosh am still laughing about point number 4 that's why I have highlighted it.
 

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Bob333~

I have to say that given the facts as they currently are, I agree with your conclusion that the relationship is over. However, I actually am pretty pro-marriage and there is one conceivable way through this. It's the way where you do not believe one, single word she says, but this time of her own accord, she realizes she has a problem and SHE makes the initiative to deal with it.

See, we are all grown ups here. We all know that no marriage is perfect, loving, infatuating, interesting and "fun" all the time. People work long hours, they get tired, there are kids and bills, and then life throws middle-age at you. We also all know that no affair happens in a vacuum, so before you even say anything, I know that you know there are things you could have done better or differently in the marriage. But that is WAAAAAAAY not the point here. The point is that she has something in her mental health that is broken, and after a certain bit, she seeks the thrill of infatuation via adultery. Somehow in her morals, that is acceptable and she hasn't learned the lesson. Now I don't mean this mean--sometimes people don't have a firm boundary, cross the line, and then learn "Oh hey, I am weak here and to protect myself and my marriage I need to do THIS." They learn the lesson, and usually mature along the way. Well, something inside her keeps doing this over and over so the one way through all this would be if SHE...of her own accord...realized there was something wrong within her (like maybe she does not know what Love is, or she looks for Love in all the wrong places, or something) and the pain of avoiding that thing is worse than the fear of facing it.

See she's done it over and over, so clearly she is afraid of facing herself. If she said, "The cost is just TOO HIGH. I have to get to the bottom of this and fearlessly face myself with a counselor" then she would not just be making empty promises of undying love and blahblahblah, but her ACTIONS would be like someone who is uncomfortable but trying to be and think and feel differently. She would be the one saying it was HER, and is HER ISSUE, and SHE needs to fix herself and because she cares about you and your daughter, she is willing to put down her pride and admit she has a problem...and actively work on changing the problem.

See, if she did that...if she went to counseling because she looked up the counselor, and she found out who went with her insurance, and she made the appointment, and she got her butt there every time...that would show something. That would be taking deliberate and serious action. And then it would STILL be up to you if you wanted to deal with it or not. Even then, if she did all that, it would still be well within your right to say, "I'm glad you decided to face yourself but you knew going into this that an unfaithful partner was not acceptable to me, and it still is not" and be done.

Either way, the best thing you can do right now is completely leave her to do what she's going to do. Detach and focus on yourself and being the man you want to be and have the potential to be and should be. Be the kind of man where you can look yourself in the mirror--and let her choose what kind of woman she's going to be. If she wants to make promises and do no work, that actually is an answer! It means: "I don't want to address this and I don't intend to learn from it or change." There ya go. You've got your answer.
 
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