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My wife and I have been together for five years and married for three. We are in out mid-twenties and don't have any kids. Lately, she has been avoiding sex like the plague for some reason. Before our marriage and during the first year, sex happened several times a week. Now, its maybe once every two if I really push for it.

Tonight, I finally tell her we need to have a talk about it and discuss what's going on. She tells me there are times when she just has an urge to have sex with me, but by the time we get to the bed portion, she thinks about all the work it takes to get to the end of sex, point A to point B, and loses motivation. I have intentionally tried to mix things up so that nothing is ever the same old sex. Then she tells me that nothing is wrong with me, but that she just looses her motivation somewhere in the middle of it all.

Any ideas? We are both in good shape, so its nothing about physical attractions, well at least that's what she's saying.
 

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Don't deposit your next paycheck. When she asks where the money is, tell her you thought about going to work but then you started thinking about how long you'd have to work to actually get a check and you just lost motivation.
 

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Your wife does not understand men & their needs -cause she is not "feeling" it like you are, she needs educated and an understanding of how men feel loved through "making love".

Typical divide in early marraige unfortunately for many. She needs to take the time to read a book like this Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520618): Laura Schlessinger: Books

This would be a great one too : Amazon.com: The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion (9781590303641): Gina Ogden: Books
 

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Don't deposit your next paycheck. When she asks where the money is, tell her you thought about going to work but then you started thinking about how long you'd have to work to actually get a check and you just lost motivation.

:rofl: I love this!

Maybe the wife lost motivation, because now she has the ring!
 

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Don't deposit your next paycheck. When she asks where the money is, tell her you thought about going to work but then you started thinking about how long you'd have to work to actually get a check and you just lost motivation.
i am absolutely waiting for the perfect time to use this tact, i cannot wait.
 

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You indicate that things have changed recently for her. What is currently happening in her life? Are there new stressors that have been added? New job? Problem with current job? Changes in birth control?

Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control, or medications such as anti-depressants?

What do you do to get each other in the mood? Do you flirt with each other during the day - touch, kiss, etc.?

For a lot of women, they need to be aroused first before they feel a strong desire for sex. Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

Most of the previous responses are from people who have higher drives. :) Let me give you the perspective of one who has a lower drive so maybe you can have some compassion for what that position feels like. It is not just the responsibility of the lower drive to learn about their spouse and partner and how much it means to them, it is also the responsibility of the higher drive to understand and be compassionate with their lower drive partner in order to help them. When you don't have a natural physical desire, it takes a great deal of mental effort to get yourself "there". It does not just come naturally all of the time.

I would recommend this book: Amazon.com: The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion (9781590303641): Gina Ogden: Books

So, firstly, look at what has changed recently, and second, it would behoove your wife if she could start to practice some relaxation techniques and try emptying her mind of all of the problems and simply try and concentrate on you and the feel of it. I have to mentally empty my mind of the clutter and I tend to focus on the touch. I have to close my eyes and my husband will start to touch me and I concentrate on that and then tend to lose myself to the act. Lastly, do not give up. Do not settle. Forge the path that you want your sexual life to be and help your wife to navigate it.

Best wishes.
 

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Don't deposit your next paycheck. When she asks where the money is, tell her you thought about going to work but then you started thinking about how long you'd have to work to actually get a check and you just lost motivation.
And what if she has her own paycheck? :)

And why would you equate a spouse making love to you or not with bringing home a paycheck? I thought we had this little talk before about how an intimate act like sex cannot be equated to anything else because it does not compare to anything else.

You and okey are just seeking vengeance because you have a lot of resentment toward your wives. I would suggest that you work on LETTING IT GO so that your life does not get engulfed in bitterness. Both you and okey are too good of men for that.

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.” ~ Harry Emerson Fos****
 

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And what if she has her own paycheck? :)

And why would you equate a spouse making love to you or not with bringing home a paycheck? I thought we had this little talk before about how an intimate act like sex cannot be equated to anything else because it does not compare to anything else.

You and okey are just seeking vengeance because you have a lot of resentment toward your wives. I would suggest that you work on LETTING IT GO so that your life does not get engulfed in bitterness. Both you and okey are too good of men for that.

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.” ~ Harry Emerson Fos****
not seeking vengence, seeking initimacy from a complacent partner.
 

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Tonight, I finally tell her we need to have a talk about it and discuss what's going on. She tells me there are times when she just has an urge to have sex with me, but by the time we get to the bed portion, she thinks about all the work it takes to get to the end of sex, point A to point B, and loses motivation. I have intentionally tried to mix things up so that nothing is ever the same old sex. Then she tells me that nothing is wrong with me, but that she just looses her motivation somewhere in the middle of it all.
My main advice is if you are young and have no children is to tell your wife that for you, the marriage needs to be sexual, physical and passionate. That sex is very extremely important to you. That you love her and she is not a sex object. And ask her if a sexual, romantic, physical and loving marriage is the one she wants, or does she want to move on to a separation. The point of saying this is not to get separated, but to make sure your wife understands that her marriage is on the line and that she has to work within herself to get over it.

If it does start working, you then make sure this theme or structure is never lost. This takes effort on your part and it takes effort on your wife's part. People can blame her or say your wife needs to do A,B, or C, but what you should really know is that in an "unmanaged" state, your sex life will default to what you have now. So, you need to manage your marriage in such a way as to upend the default state. This takes actions on your part and actions on her part. You will be more successful in life if you recognize that it is easier to change yourself then another person.

Once you have children, it is way harder for a wife to wrap her mind around sex, and then due to your attachment to your children and the finances, it is way harder for you to confront your wife over it.
 

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Phew! Good - I got a little worried based upon that comment you made in a post last week about being vindictive. See - I knew you were a good dude! Keep SHOWING her that - maybe someday the wool will be pulled from her eyes. :)
the post you are referring to about the small penis comment that guy's wife made in front of her friend? that incident was definately one that would trigger my vindictive defenses because it was way way over the top and cant be taken back.

i am not vengeful about everyday stuff. i am not out to get my wife because we aren't on the same intimacy schedule.
 

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Read Athol Kay at Married Man Sex Life.
I hear his book is good.

You need to put the marriage on the line, no two ways about it. this will only get worse if left unattended. And you sure don't want kids under these circumstances.
 

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And what if she has her own paycheck? :)

And why would you equate a spouse making love to you or not with bringing home a paycheck? I thought we had this little talk before about how an intimate act like sex cannot be equated to anything else because it does not compare to anything else.

You and okey are just seeking vengeance because you have a lot of resentment toward your wives. I would suggest that you work on LETTING IT GO so that your life does not get engulfed in bitterness. Both you and okey are too good of men for that.

Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes.” ~ Harry Emerson Fos****
No vengeance here, just a little reality check. Regardless of how we feel, the world continues to turn and needs have to be met. My mortgage company isn't going to accept, "I just wasn't motivated to send in my check". My boss won't accept "I just didn't feel like coming to work." Hungry kids can't eat good intentions. We all have busy lives. Seems like the only ball that routinely gets dropped is our sexual/emotional responsibilities to our spouse. This woman's entire support, her end of life decisions, etc, are going to eventually rest in the OP's hands. If they both live long enough, he will eventually be the only thing she has. Does it make sense to take care of everyone else but him? 99% of what we consider so important is really just BS in the long run. When she's 90, it won't matter what she bought in 2011, whether the kitchen was spotless back on Sep 19, 2011, won't matter. The way she treated her husband in 2011 might be really important.
 

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And why would you equate a spouse making love to you or not with bringing home a paycheck? I thought we had this little talk before about how an intimate act like sex cannot be equated to anything else because it does not compare to anything else.
I would argue that makes the statement that much worse, as the wife has just told her husband he is not worth the effort.
 

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Believe me, I'm not always magically "into" lots of things, in fact, I'm "not into" probably 90% of the things I do. She doesn't have to be an expert sex-goddess at all times but she should make his needs her priority if he is important to her. Everything has consequences. We put our spouse on the back-burner often enough, we will pay dearly (and we should). How do husbands and wives go from being "the most important person in the world" pre-marriage to being treated like loose small change?
 

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Intimacy won't come from being petty and playing games.

Sometimes is up with your wife. Maybe she doesn't like certain things you do and is too afraid to tell you? I know that for a while, I wasn't feelin' it towards my husband because he likes to smack my ass and it HURTS. I finally told him and while he still likes to smack it, it's not nearly as hard as before.
 

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Sorry - I must be dense today. I don't understand what you meant.
I agree that sex and intimacy in marriage can not be readily compared to other things (like money, etc.). I believe that is because of the special place it holds in a marriage.

That being said, rejection of this intimacy is especially hard. From the OP, the spouse said she looks at the effort necessary and loses motivation, i.e., it is not worth the effort. Regardless of how she means it, it sure sounds like she is saying intimacy with her husband is not worth the effort.
 

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Has she gained weight? Does she have a female issue and she's embarrassed? These are reasons to look into...
 

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Read Athol Kay at Married Man Sex Life.
I hear his book is good.
This is a good book.

I`ve checked out a lot of books recommended in this forum and this one is the only one that seems to deal with "Real" life in a way I can relate to.

No More Mister Nice Guy is almost too clinical to me but also highly recommended.
The way of the Superior Man is also recommended often but is nothing more than a bunch of new age voodoo as far as I`m concerned.
 

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I will make a stronger statement. The decision to have children with a woman absolutely confirms in her mind that you ACCEPT THE CURRENT STATUS QUO. If you have a child/children with her and THEN draw your line in the sand she will be confused and worse she will not be inclined to try to fix it.

Don't play games with paychecks. Just stop saying I love you, and stop hugging/touching her and stop calling/texting her during the day. This will destabilize the relationship in a constructive manner. And be upbeat and fun to be around. It seems contradictory but it is not. Be fun to be around - but don't be loving. And when SHE brings it up - just smile and tell her that you don't have the energy to keep making her your highest priority when clearly you aren't even close to number one to her. And then shut up and let her talk.


My main advice is if you are young and have no children is to tell your wife that for you, the marriage needs to be sexual, physical and passionate. That sex is very extremely important to you. That you love her and she is not a sex object. And ask her if a sexual, romantic, physical and loving marriage is the one she wants, or does she want to move on to a separation. The point of saying this is not to get separated, but to make sure your wife understands that her marriage is on the line and that she has to work within herself to get over it.

If it does start working, you then make sure this theme or structure is never lost. This takes effort on your part and it takes effort on your wife's part. People can blame her or say your wife needs to do A,B, or C, but what you should really know is that in an "unmanaged" state, your sex life will default to what you have now. So, you need to manage your marriage in such a way as to upend the default state. This takes actions on your part and actions on her part. You will be more successful in life if you recognize that it is easier to change yourself then another person.

Once you have children, it is way harder for a wife to wrap her mind around sex, and then due to your attachment to your children and the finances, it is way harder for you to confront your wife over it.
 
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