Talk About Marriage banner

61 - 80 of 108 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,838 Posts
She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence
So she is giving you an ultimatum? It’s her way or the highway.

What will it take for her to come back home? What does financial freedom mean to her? Isn’t the obvious solution for you to separate accounts and split bills? And be accountable for any new debt. The only problem would be how you agree to pay off current debts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #62
Honestly it sounds like if you two want to remain married, having your own separate bank accounts and splitting all the bills is the only way you aren’t perceived as controlling, and she has some financial freedom.

But what is the deal with her living separate? I don’t understand what she is doing and what her plan is? It sounds like she wants to live the single life while having a cushy safety net.

I think she needs a dose of reality. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair your being a good husband and father while she just takes takes takes. I personally think you should at least threaten divorce, make her think that you are serious and this is unacceptable. Do not let her give you the sense that she has the upper hand and therefore you need to negotiate with her.
I've done a good job of making sure she and my daughters had their wants and needs plus taking annual family trips all while budgeting and paying the debt. I was doing very little for myself to make that happen and never asked for praise or acknowledgement
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #64
So she is giving you an ultimatum? It’s her way or the highway.

What will it take for her to come back home? What does financial freedom mean to her? Isn’t the obvious solution for you to separate accounts and split bills? And be accountable for any new debt. The only problem would be how you agree to pay off current debts.
Wish I knew what it would take to get her back home because my daughters are suffering. I agreed to split accounts and bills back in February. I even told her if it was that much of an issue she could've stopped her direct deposit a long time ago and split bills. Her definition of financial freedom is full control of the money she makes and where it goes and when. I've been prepared to compromise to get things back on track. Her friends influenced her to get her own place to achieve financial freedom. She lacks understanding of the importance of her family vs friends
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,084 Posts
IMO: Sadly, I do not see this as about financial issues, but about control and independence--from what most would think reasonable in marriage. Right now she sees herself as 'essential' in every way. There seems to be a bit of mental instability regarding spending. Does she have a mental health diagnosis?

Money is said to be the cause of many divorces--although infidelity is a close second these days. How cruel that your daughters are suffering. Is she a warm, loving mom when in residence? Or is she going through the motions, self-absorbed, superficial.

Sounds like she has toxic friends--do they know the truth? Actually, maybe, because of the way she was raised, family is not as important as friends to her. Family devotion requires more sacrifice than friends.

I've already told you my story about 'in sickness and in health.' Sir, talking to a lawyer as has been suggested, can be a wise preventative move as opposed to a death-knell.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,010 Posts
I'm so sorry to hear this...your girls must be suffering as well as you. I think it's time to give her what she wants. She wants financial freedom than either file for divorce and have a lawyer help you with a settlement that gives her her half of the debt or at the very least file a separation agreement that does the same.

I'm a nurse and yes, I work my ass off most days. That doesn't mean I "deserve" to treat my family like crap, abandon my daughters and husband, and leave all the debt to him to pay off. She's living in a fantasy land if she thinks you own all that debt alone. I'm willing to bet if she weren't in your life you wouldn't have all that debt. My ex and I split up all our debt evenly, didn't matter whose name was on the card.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,838 Posts
I agree with the other poster that says this isn’t about money. She can have financial freedom, you told her she can and she still moved out.

You need to start to demand an explanation. Something doesn’t add up. Maybe it’s time for a legal separation, where she gets the kids half the time and you get some freedom.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #68
IMO: Sadly, I do not see this as about financial issues, but about control and independence--from what most would think reasonable in marriage. Right now she sees herself as 'essential' in every way. There seems to be a bit of mental instability regarding spending. Does she have a mental health diagnosis?

Money is said to be the cause of many divorces--although infidelity is a close second these days. How cruel that your daughters are suffering. Is she a warm, loving mom when in residence? Or is she going through the motions, self-absorbed, superficial.

Sounds like she has toxic friends--do they know the truth? Actually, maybe, because of the way she was raised, family is not as important as friends to her. Family devotion requires more sacrifice than friends.

I've already told you my story about 'in sickness and in health.' Sir, talking to a lawyer as has been suggested, can be a wise preventative move as opposed to a death-knell.
She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD. She does text and call my daughters daily, but like I said she is literally 5 minutes driving distance from us. When my oldest asked why she doesn't make an effort to see them more often than once per week, her response was ”I need to go home shower and sleep, so I don't have time.”

Her friends are definitely toxic. She tells no one the truth, only rewrites the truth to make herself feel like the victim. Always leaving out the major details of what she's doing or done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,838 Posts
She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD. She does text and call my daughters daily, but like I said she is literally 5 minutes driving distance from us. When my oldest asked why she doesn't make an effort to see them more often than once per week, her response was ”I need to go home shower and sleep, so I don't have time.”

Her friends are definitely toxic. She tells no one the truth, only rewrites the truth to make herself feel like the victim. Always leaving out the major details of what she's doing or done.
It sounds like your wife is toxic. She is a grown women.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #70
I'm so sorry to hear this...your girls must be suffering as well as you. I think it's time to give her what she wants. She wants financial freedom than either file for divorce and have a lawyer help you with a settlement that gives her her half of the debt or at the very least file a separation agreement that does the same.

I'm a nurse and yes, I work my ass off most days. That doesn't mean I "deserve" to treat my family like crap, abandon my daughters and husband, and leave all the debt to him to pay off. She's living in a fantasy land if she thinks you own all that debt alone. I'm willing to bet if she weren't in your life you wouldn't have all that debt. My ex and I split up all our debt evenly, didn't matter whose name was on the card.
I don't understand it at all and it doesn't add up. Based on her behavior I would say something mental because her mother also has mental issues. I may go the legal separation route if she doesn't respond to my next communication to get it together and start to repair our family. I know it's not about me personally as she claims because she doesn't treat our daughters as such. She hasn't seen them for an entire week and makes no true effort until they get upset.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,425 Posts
She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence
So, she wants to Live APART, but still stay married? Does that mean SHE isn't going to date/see other men while she "lives elsewhere"? I BET she isn't thinking that way.
I would make sure you get a FORMAL separation agreement to protect yourself and your kids, and also start the proceedings toward REALLY separating (i.e. Divorce). She wants what she wants, well tell her you love her enough to give that to her -- her freedom from you and your "abusive" ways.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,425 Posts
She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD.
So, STOP making excuses for her -- if she has depression, she should be under a Dr's care and being treated with meds. IF you think the MEDS are affecting her thinking (and they CERTAINLY can do that), then it needs to be brought up with her and her medical team.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #74
So, STOP making excuses for her -- if she has depression, she should be under a Dr's care and being treated with meds. IF you think the MEDS are affecting her thinking (and they CERTAINLY can do that), then it needs to be brought up with her and her medical team.
She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,010 Posts
She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy
Oh my...and she's a nurse...not a good attitude at all. I think you really need to protect yourself here. If her mental illness includes manic episodes she could charge up thousands of dollars in just one day. Please, please...stop all the joint accounts and get it in writing NOW that you are separated so you won't be responsible for her new purchases. This is to protect you and your daughters. I'd get your daughters into some counseling as well. They need to understand that her behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with HER.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,266 Posts
You need to accept that she doesn’t care about you or your marriage. And apparently she cares very little for her daughters. Maybe that was always true or maybe that’s new. Only she knows the answer. What she does care a great deal about is living separately. Now what she does with her all new freedom is unknown but it’s certainly not focused on being with you and her daughters. And don’t think she’s spending her time by herself trying to figure out how to make this work. She’s living like she’s single. Think about that for a moment. Of course, once she gets all of “this” out of her system she may decide to return. My guess is that you’ll take her back if that happens. That’s not really in your best interest but people go against their best interest all the time so there’s that. Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,425 Posts
She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy
Not to be callous, but too late -- she is already acting well out of her norm according to you. Depression meds, if the correct ones, don't "make you crazy" -- quite the opposite.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,838 Posts
I would tell your kids to respectfully but bluntly express to her how she is making them feel. If a women’s kids can’t get through to her no one can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #79
I would tell your kids to respectfully but bluntly express to her how she is making them feel. If a women’s kids can’t get through to her no one can.
They do and she tells them it's disrespectful and to stay in a child's place. I thought she would listen to them, but she just turns it around and makes it about what she feels. Once they tell her to listen to their feelings she says she doesn't want to talk anymore and that's why I have them in counseling
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
112 Posts
Discussion Starter #80
Not to be callous, but too late -- she is already acting well out of her norm according to you. Depression meds, if the correct ones, don't "make you crazy" -- quite the opposite.
Agreed, but she says the fact she would have to take meds would make her feel labeled crazy
 
61 - 80 of 108 Posts
Top