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Discussion Starter #41
No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds
Not to mention I'm working towards getting a promotion at work within the next 2 yrs. that will pay me $35k more annually
 

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Should you be planning to leave, do it before promotion?

This has been on my mind: Folks have widely varying definitions of 'financial abuse.' Hope you realize this.

In my case over the years my EX closed checking accounts and/or cancelled all credit cards (even when in my name alone) when he wanted to 'punish' or 'surprise' me--never mind that it affected the kids, eating, our reputation (like check to church that was refused), etc.

This happened on my vacation with kids--I'd paid for it all with my income--no discussion from him. It's embarrassing to have credit card at dinner refused and not know why. It's embarrassing/frustrating to be called early in a.m. by desk clerk and told that someone called him and told him to call me with news that checks and credit cards had been cancelled. Desk clerk was as upset as I was. BTW: This was the straw that broke.......... That is, did not happen another time.
 

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Discussion Starter #43
Should you be planning to leave, do it before promotion?

This has been on my mind: Folks have widely varying definitions of 'financial abuse.' Hope you realize this.

In my case over the years my EX closed checking accounts and/or cancelled all credit cards (even when in my name alone) when he wanted to 'punish' or 'surprise' me--never mind that it affected the kids, eating, our reputation (like check to church that was refused), etc.

This happened on my vacation with kids--I'd paid for it all with my income--no discussion from him. It's embarrassing to have credit card at dinner refused and not know why. It's embarrassing/frustrating to be called early in a.m. by desk clerk and told that someone called him and told him to call me with news that checks and credit cards had been cancelled. Desk clerk was as upset as I was. BTW: This was the straw that broke.......... That is, did not happen another time.
All I did was help my wife. I built her first card from $500 to $15k...never abused...always tried to show her how to maintain and establish credit, and the importance
 

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Well, your efforts didn’t work — unfortunately— and they very likely won’t ever work. Financially irresponsible people generally remain that way because they have a very strong sense of entitlement. I was married to a man who made a great deal of money but he also spent a great deal of money on whatever he wanted to. That was the way he was brought up. I was brought up much differently but nothing I did during the decades we were married made the slightest difference in his spending habits. He always did as he pleased. Just as your wife very likely always will.
 

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Discussion Starter #45
Well, your efforts didn’t work — unfortunately— and they very likely won’t ever work. Financially irresponsible people generally remain that way because they have a very strong sense of entitlement. I was married to a man who made a great deal of money but he also spent a great deal of money on whatever he wanted to. That was the way he was brought up. I was brought up much differently but nothing I did during the decades we were married made the slightest difference in his spending habits. He always did as he pleased. Just as your wife very likely always will.
I just don't know why I can't let go
 

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No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds
Dude, you're being financially responsible, not abusive. Don't even BEGIN to accept that label she is trying to stick on you. It's all BS.

But here's the danger. 1) Until you enter into some sort of LEGAL separation, you will be responsible for any further debts she may rack up. Your attorney will tell you what you need to do to avoid or at least minimize that, and you need to do it IMMEDIATELY. And by immediately, I mean the minute you walk out of the law office.
2) Your wife has an entitled attitude which is a major danger for you in view of #1 above. I have experienced this myself with the ex-Mrs Wolfman. Once she detects that her profligate ways are going to end, she will have NO moral compunction against racking up huge debt and trying to stick you will the bill. Once I told the ex-Mrs. Wolfman that I wanted a divorce, she emptied our joint bank account and immediately went to the mall and racked up HUGE bills for her own personal use (clothes, shoes, etc.). She felt no guilt in doing so, because she felt she was ENTITLED to it.

You face the same danger. You must move immediately to prevent this. Learn from my experience.
 

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Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances.
Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
People like this need to see hard cold figures in front of them. Gather your arsenal. If you kids are old enough (they sound as if they are), they too should be taught money management, share it with them too.
Sometimes people (esp those not earning or not carrying the main financial burden) find it easy to criticize and complain but no little about money management and the fact you cannot spend what you do not earn, if you do, you have to pay the piper at some time.
Ensure you protect yourself and your daughters and make sure a lawyer insists she pays her share for her kids.
 

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Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances.
Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
People like this need to see hard cold figures in front of them. Gather your arsenal. If you kids are old enough (they sound as if they are), they too should be taught money management, share it with them too.
Sometimes people (esp those not earning or not carrying the main financial burden) find it easy to criticize and complain but no little about money management and the fact you cannot spend what you do not earn, if you do, you have to pay the piper at some time.
Ensure you protect yourself and your daughters and make sure a lawyer insists she pays her share for her kids.
Hmm...
I think there are (at least) two kinds of people who get into trouble with debt.

One kind is the sort that just underestimates the effect of debt, and have a lack of knowledge about budgeting, planning for the future, etc.
The other kind is deeply entitled and refuse to deny themselves, especially when someone else has to carry the load.

Education may help the first kind.
I think education (in the traditional manner) won't help the second as much. I think they have to actually experience hardship to change their ways, and even then some won't change.

I think OP's wife is the second sort. Unfortunately, for her to suffer hardship as the result of her actions means that her husband and family suffer too.

I don't think talking is going to work for her.
 

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Hmm...
I think there are (at least) two kinds of people who get into trouble with debt.

One kind is the sort that just underestimates the effect of debt, and have a lack of knowledge about budgeting, planning for the future, etc.
The other kind is deeply entitled and refuse to deny themselves, especially when someone else has to carry the load.

Education may help the first kind.
I think education (in the traditional manner) won't help the second as much. I think they have to actually experience hardship to change their ways, and even then some won't change.

I think OP's wife is the second sort. Unfortunately, for her to suffer hardship as the result of her actions means that her husband and family suffer too.

I don't think talking is going to work for her.

@Wolfman1968 Agreed to a certain extent, but she ought to see the figures, then OP will be very clear as to what he is dealing with and then should proceed to protect himself and kids with a good lawyer.
 

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Discussion Starter #50
Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances.
Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
People like this need to see hard cold figures in front of them. Gather your arsenal. If you kids are old enough (they sound as if they are), they too should be taught money management, share it with them too.
Sometimes people (esp those not earning or not carrying the main financial burden) find it easy to criticize and complain but no little about money management and the fact you cannot spend what you do not earn, if you do, you have to pay the piper at some time.
Ensure you protect yourself and your daughters and make sure a lawyer insists she pays her share for her kids.
I have provided her with written figures several times, shown interest rate accumulation, explained how minimum payments do nothing, and printed out copies of bills. She has convinced herself I'm hiding money even though evidence shows all money coming in and going out monthly.
 

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I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.
 

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Discussion Starter #52
I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.
It's sad looking at it with logic and knowing there is no reasoning with her
 

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you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants.
Yes, she has her mind made up, and is not going to be confused by the facts. It's reprehensible. Make her "box" damned small. Just like offenders get. I left our joint account active, but had my paychecks deposited into another account in my name only. Every month, I put her allowance into the joint one.

This is a situation where you have more power married than divorced. Use it. Don't be ashamed. Marriage is better when there is discussion, logical agreement, and cooperation. You don't have that. Therefore, YOU are the man in the can. It is biblical. Cooperation, equality, but you are the HEAD of the family.
 

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Yes, and it doesn't help when her friends are involved with influencing her that she needs to enjoy her own money. I understand everyone advising divorce, but I'm in a moral battle to do it or not. I don't believe in divorce, which makes it hard.
Does she want a divorce? It’s insane that she moved out and is now paying more money instead of just finding a way to work through it with you.

Also she just feel so controlled that she felt like she had to leave. Is there any room for compromising? I mean she needs to feel like she has say in her own marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #56
I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.
Entitled seems to be an understatement. It's funny that everything she says about others is exactly what she does/is herself. I can't begin to count how many times she has said to my daughters that they think they are entitled for the simplest of things
 

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No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds
And what as her goal? Because clearly you weren’t on the same page.
 

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Honestly it sounds like if you two want to remain married, having your own separate bank accounts and splitting all the bills is the only way you aren’t perceived as controlling, and she has some financial freedom.

But what is the deal with her living separate? I don’t understand what she is doing and what her plan is? It sounds like she wants to live the single life while having a cushy safety net.

I think she needs a dose of reality. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair your being a good husband and father while she just takes takes takes. I personally think you should at least threaten divorce, make her think that you are serious and this is unacceptable. Do not let her give you the sense that she has the upper hand and therefore you need to negotiate with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #60
Does she want a divorce? It’s insane that she moved out and is now paying more money instead of just finding a way to work through it with you.

Also she just feel so controlled that she felt like she had to leave. Is there any room for compromising? I mean she needs to feel like she has say in her own marriage.
She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence
 
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