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Discussion Starter #1
Hello! I have been labeled financially abusive by my wife who moved into her own home a couple of months, leaving my 2 daughters (13 & 15) and I behind. We have a lot of credit card and loan debt, so we were spending the next 2 years paying it off to get back to enjoying life. Our bills were almost what we brought in each month and we split what was left to use as entertainment funds. However, after my wife agreed with the plan, she says months later she is not happy and should be able to spend more.

I explained and showed her that the money is not there to spend and that's why it was important to pay our debt off, especially with our oldest going to college in 2 years. She told me that since she's a nurse there is no reason she can't spend more than she does. Remember, I showed her there is no extra money. She now labels me as financially abusive, which caused her to move out and now she is behind on her car payment, 3 months into her independent venture.

The reason we have so much credit card and loan debt ($65k) is because of her years of over spending and having to pay bills with the cards, which lead to a build up of interest over the last 6 years. My plan was working as we were paying smallest to largest and we would be all clear in 2 years, but her patience ran out. Now I am stuck paying everything on my own...because she refuses to pay...if it's not in her name. Of course, she still shops for herself, but when it comes to our daughters it's always she can't afford to buy them things they need or want because she doesn't have money for that, as she says. Anyone else experience this?
 

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You need a lawyer immediately. Any debt she continues to wreck up will be at least half your responsibility. You need to take steps right away to mitigate the damage she can do to your finances in the event this marriage doesn't survive. Besides, she already fired you from the role of husband by moving out and sticking you with the bill. What's to stop her by going another 60k in the hole and expecting you to pay half in a future divorce?
 

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I've already separated finances. I am curious if anyone else has experienced this and how they handled it?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
It's funny that she never wanted to follow a budget while home but now that's all she speaks of other than when it comes to herself
 

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Your wife clearly has issues with spending. Even putting her own selfish wants before her kids, who she is also 50% responsible for.

Have you talked to a lawyer about getting the debts properly divided? It most likely won't matter that she doesn't want to pay. The debt was racked up during the marriage so she's responsible for it too. Make sure you keep very good records of the debts and payments. Ask about child support to...

Nurses aren't even rolling in dough so she has entitlement issues.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Your wife clearly has issues with spending. Even putting her own selfish wants before her kids, who she is also 50% responsible for.

Have you talked to a lawyer about getting the debts properly divided? It most likely won't matter that she doesn't want to pay. The debt was racked up during the marriage so she's responsible for it too. Make sure you keep very good records of the debts and payments. Ask about child support to...

Nurses aren't even rolling in dough so she has entitlement issues.
Agree 100% with you. She has extreme entitlement issues. I've been trying to give her the benefit of doubt as she claims to be seeking counseling, but from I see and hear she is getting worse. I have all financial docs printed and offered to show her to prove there is no financial abuse, which I shouldn't have to do because she always had access to all banking. Therapist said her spending could be part of her depression coping, and she exhibits BPD behavior.

I told her as long as we owe debt, we have no extra money. All I've done is try to build financial security and stability for my family. Regardless of our tight budget, I always made sure my wife and daughters had what they wanted and needed before doing anything for myself.
 

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They "handle" it by filing for divorce. Which if I am not wrong is something that people have been telling you to do from about the first time you posted.

Unless you want to be almost homeless, just file for divorce.

At some point, you kind of have to realize that 1) Your wife has issue, and 2) she really has zero love or respect for you.

Financially abusive, give me a break...

BTW - does she have a new BF yet since she moved out???
 

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Yes, as a financial counselor I have worked with couples that have been in your exact same scenario. The plan that you are working on works and most of the time, couples are encouraged by the smaller debts being paid off and it motivates them to keep pushing ahead. That's important because as you see, the process takes time. You are not dealing with a money issue, you are dealing with a behavior issue.

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Stay the course with the separated finances. At some point, she will start to drown in her own debt and perhaps it will help change her behavior; or maybe not. Whatever you do, do not throw her a life line and give her money. She is the one who moved out and she will need to pay the consequences of her behavior. Besides, you need every dollar to take care of your daughters and to pay your own bills and debts.
 

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I was called stingy and greedy because I didn't want to buy things we didn't "need" when we had credit card debt. I was blamed for a lot of it because I would use the credit card to buy gas to get to work after the checking account got too low. It definitely wasn't going out to eat 2-3 times a week or putting in a bathroom downstairs or getting a patio put in or steps added to the back deck or the $500 car payment or any of the other things she wanted.

One of the (many) reasons that she gave for wanting to split was so she wouldn't have to discuss how to handle money with anyone.

There is a near 100% chance that she won't own up to any financial responsibilities for the kids because "she can't afford it". She didn't want to have to deal with the budget or money problems when you were together but now it will be the only thing she talks or thinks about most of the time.

Long term, since you're aware of the problems and have a plan, you'll probably be surprised at how much money ends up being leftover paycheck to paycheck. Getting divorced is going to suck a lot for a couple years though until you get yourself out of the hole she put you in.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #15
They "handle" it by filing for divorce. Which if I am not wrong is something that people have been telling you to do from about the first time you posted.

Unless you want to be almost homeless, just file for divorce.

At some point, you kind of have to realize that 1) Your wife has issue, and 2) she really has zero love or respect for you.

Financially abusive, give me a break...

BTW - does she have a new BF yet since she moved out???
Not that I know of. She literally only moved 5 minutes driving distance from me and still doesn't visit our daughters often
 

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You’re the one who should be very loudly complaining about finances and not her. Hoping she’s magically wake up one day won’t work in your favor. Divorce will.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I was called stingy and greedy because I didn't want to buy things we didn't "need" when we had credit card debt. I was blamed for a lot of it because I would use the credit card to buy gas to get to work after the checking account got too low. It definitely wasn't going out to eat 2-3 times a week or putting in a bathroom downstairs or getting a patio put in or steps added to the back deck or the $500 car payment or any of the other things she wanted.

One of the (many) reasons that she gave for wanting to split was so she wouldn't have to discuss how to handle money with anyone.

There is a near 100% chance that she won't own up to any financial responsibilities for the kids because "she can't afford it". She didn't want to have to deal with the budget or money problems when you were together but now it will be the only thing she talks or thinks about most of the time.

Long term, since you're aware of the problems and have a plan, you'll probably be surprised at how much money ends up being leftover paycheck to paycheck. Getting divorced is going to suck a lot for a couple years though until you get yourself out of the hole she put you in.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk
Yes, and it doesn't help when her friends are involved with influencing her that she needs to enjoy her own money. I understand everyone advising divorce, but I'm in a moral battle to do it or not. I don't believe in divorce, which makes it hard.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
One question I forgot to ask. When you did your budget each month, did your wife get a vote and a chance to change it?
Absolutely, she agreed with it until she blew through her portion of what was left. I even started giving her most of my portion and told her that she could keep any extra money she made, it would just mean longer to pay the debt. She then told me she needed access to withdraw money when needed because she forgot the pin to the ATM, which is crazy because you can use the debit card as a credit card
 
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