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Wife apparently cheated last year.

1M views 6K replies 242 participants last post by  SearchingForHope 
#1 ·
I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I always thought If my wife ever cheated on me it would be a very clear cut decision. Leave. I never thought I would be...paralyzed is the best way to describe it. Not so much in fear, even though that is one of the feelings I am having but, also shock. I am currently sitting in a hotel room (work related) ten hours away from her and our home and I have no idea what to say, do, think, etc. I’ve been on autopilot since I found out yesterday afternoon. I have only spoken to her briefly and have not mentioned anything about what I know. My emotions are all over the place.

I guess some details are needed. We have been married for four years. I am 32 and she is 31. No children but recently made the decision to start trying. Obviously that’s going to stop. I was notified by the spouse of the guy she was cheating on me with. She provided a couple of pictures via text. One that showed them kissing at her car. The other of them coming out of what is apparently a motel room. She says she has a portable thumb drive for me if I want it. It has everything her investigator gathered that pertains to my wife. She wants to meet up and give me the drive and apologize in person for waiting for so long to come forward, as well as answer any questions I might have. She talked quite a bit but honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of it.
I need to leave for a work meeting and honestly I don’t have it in me to post the details of what I know right now but I will. Right now I just don’t know what I need. Other than sleep
 
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#3,105 ·
VR is giving the lady in question the choice to be a friend or not. She isn’t being deceived by VR in any way.

So what is the problem?

How is it causing more problems?

I don’t go to other guys with any of my problems. I don’t open up to guys, never have never will. My wife yes. Female friends yes.

Why not take VR at his word that he just wants someone to just talk with. Someone that isn’t in the middle of the **** show he is in.
 
#3,107 ·
VR is giving the lady in question the choice to be a friend or not. She isn’t being deceived by VR in any way.

So what is the problem?

How is it causing more problems?

I don’t go to other guys with any of my problems. I don’t open up to guys, never have never will. My wife yes. Female friends yes.

Why not take VR at his word that he just wants someone to just talk with. Someone that isn’t in the middle of the **** show he is in.
Why don't you understand that by explaining his situation to her that he will be negating his purpose of having a friend that doesn't know anything about his situation. She will be smack dab in the middle of the ****show. If she's smart, she'll run.

See Rebuilding Me's post.
 
#3,114 ·
I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I always thought If my wife ever cheated on me it would be a very clear cut decision. Leave. I never thought I would be...paralyzed is the best way to describe it. Not so much in fear, even though that is one of the feelings I am having but, also shock. I am currently sitting in a hotel room (work related) ten hours away from her and our home and I have no idea what to say, do, think, etc. I’ve been on autopilot since I found out yesterday afternoon. I have only spoken to her briefly and have not mentioned anything about what I know. My emotions are all over the place.

I guess some details are needed. We have been married for four years. I am 32 and she is 31. No children but recently made the decision to start trying. Obviously that’s going to stop. I was notified by the spouse of the guy she was cheating on me with. She provided a couple of pictures via text. One that showed them kissing at her car. The other of them coming out of what is apparently a motel room. She says she has a portable thumb drive for me if I want it. It has everything her investigator gathered that pertains to my wife. She wants to meet up and give me the drive and apologize in person for waiting for so long to come forward, as well as answer any questions I might have. She talked quite a bit but honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of it.
I need to leave for a work meeting and honestly I don’t have it in me to post the details of what I know right now but I will. Right now I just don’t know what I need. Other than sleep
Some people are capable of cheating. Some are not.
There is never a good enough reason to cheat, but someone with the ability to cheat will tend to find or create a reason. Then they will try to make you believe that anyone is capable of cheating. A thief thinks everyone steals.
She will cheat on you again because she is a cheater.
Work through your shock, and in the meantime find a killer attorney and follow their advice to a T.
 
#3,115 ·
Some people are capable of cheating. Some are not.
There is never a good enough reason to cheat, but someone with the ability to cheat will tend to find or create a reason. Then they will try to make you believe that anyone is capable of cheating. A thief thinks everyone steals.
She will cheat on you again because she is a cheater.
Work through your shock, and in the meantime find a killer attorney and follow their advice to a T.
Maybe read all the posts before posting. He is way beyond this point now.
 
#3,117 ·
Regarding her letter, I would read it and give the attorney a copy. I would respond through the attorney....even if there is nothing to respond to. It would be a good chance to clearly document that SHE requested that he only contact her through the attorneys. Opening sentence of response "Per STBX's request that VR only contact her through her attorney...." maybe the rest of letter simply states "VR wanted to acknowledge that he received STBX's letter dated xx/xx/xxxx".

You don't want to just go silent on her, that may not look great for co-parenting abilities.


Regarding her no contact request, it is amazing how quickly VR found some peace and normalcy by not being in regular contact with STBX.

Although it blew up the co-habitation during pregnancy plan, I think she did VR a favor by requesting all communication go through attorneys.

I am sure the pain of the drama will continue to flash in his mind, but it will become less and less the further he gets into no direct contact.
 
#3,118 ·
You did the right thing. If you didn't call her or reach out, she'd have felt bad about herself. It's natural. You allowed her to make an informed decision. That's all you could do. Who knows, she might also think about it a little bit and like the idea of just being friends for a while knowing it'd drive your STBX crazy.

Mostly, you didn't leave her hanging, or give her a generic, "it's not you, it's me." Good on you.
 
#3,120 ·
I ralize that I'm going out on a limb here so I do apologize for that. Please don't be too mad at me. :)

Based on what I read so far about the ww is that she is the kind of person who shoots from the hip and then sorts out the bodies later. I think she heard from the therapiest what she wanted to hear and acted on this falsely perceived advice instead of thinking things through. She also seem to have some vindictive streak and a sense of entitlement in her, which probably prompted her to threaten to cut @VintageRetro 's access to the child.

I think so far she thinks that she's trying to mend what she has broken and she seemed to be under the impression that some apologies without needing to back them up by her actions, a little bit of tears and HB would get the job done (just my observation, which may be wildly inaccurate). In the process of mending, she made some additional bad decisions (again NOT mistakes) to make the matters worse. ( I know I'm re-hashing all this )

I hope she understands how much she forked up by leaving their marital house and at this point she may be hanging by a thread and hoping for a positive outcome.

My worry at this point is this: She may eventually be convinced that @VintageRetro is not interested in getting back together. This coupled with her possible sense of entitlement and her vindictive streak, she may go on a bender just to show VR that she's "totally over him". She may not be discriminate in her choice of partners, so this WILL hurt their relations even more and may make the environment not so ideal for their child to grow up in. Instead of realizing that VR is socializing without any agenda, she may attribute additional motives to his actions and it might precipitate her (again) to do something stupid. She has not shown herself to be someone who thinks things through before she acts and that's just a shame because she is trained to be a school councilor. So she (in theory) should have been able to look at a situation critically.

I hope that I'm truly and completely wrong in worrying about this but I'd urge you to consider this possibility anyway and take steps to minimize the fallout caused by her actions. It seems that for the last three months, that is EXACTLY what you've been doing i.e. dealing with the fallout of her actions. I hope that she's getting smarter by the day or at least gaining better understanding of her situation by the day.

If I may suggest as a few people here have already, if you please ask your attorney to read what's in the letter from her. It'll help you (or your attorney) assess where her head is at. I believe it's better to know than not know.

I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you feel like you are navigating a minefield and walking on eggshells and all because of something that you didn't do. It is completely understandable why you feel how you feel.
 
#3,126 ·
Most women with ahead on her shoulders will want to protect their hearts and minds from potentially getting attached to a guy in VR’s situation. Most people would think that he’s going to get back with his wife and that it’s way too much drama.

Besides, how many men try the “I’m divorcing my wife” thing with women and are actually scamming? LS is full of threads from such women who fell for such a line.
 
#3,130 ·
I don’t think VR is wrong for wanting female companionship. I just think that most women will be leery of getting involved in such a situation. The girl is not going to know that he’s really done with his pregnant stbx and has to take it at his word that he really was betrayed. There are way too many guys who used the “I’m in the middle of divorcing “ line on women that have gotten their hearts crushed.

Unfortunately, he’s probably going to have to wait until he actually does divorce until most women will feel safe. And even then, some may still be leery , because they will be afraid he will get back together.
 
#3,131 ·
I don’t think VR is wrong for wanting female companionship. I just think that most women will be leery of getting involved in such a situation. The girl is not going to know that he’s really done with his pregnant stbx and has to take it at his word that he really was betrayed. There are way too many guys who used the “I’m in the middle of divorcing “ line on women that have gotten their hearts crushed.

Unfortunately, he’s probably going to have to wait until he actually does divorce until most women will feel safe. And even then, some may still be leery , because they will be afraid he will get back together.
I agree with what your saying about women not wanting to get with a guy in VR’s position. As well as what you said about guys using the line of being in the middle of a divorce.

But

This isn’t what VR was doing. He wasn’t using it as a pickup line. A lot of those opposed to VR having anything to do with any woman period, are calling into question VR’s integrity. I think it’s wrong to do so.
 
#3,140 ·
I’m really rooting for VR to find some female companionship but it feels like forces are arrayed against that. I really had hoped he was going to R with his wife until she went off the rails. Which saddens me because I think that VR still loved her and was searching for a way to bridge The chasm between the love he felt and the pain she caused. I had no doubt it could have worked but now it just seems untenable.
 
#3,145 ·
VR...you are going to be fine. I have sat back and refrained from commenting until I could glean more intel.
You have navigated the tumultuous sea of infidelity as well as a man could do. You have established expectations from STBX, been clear and concise, and only need to keep your eye on the objective of getting out of infidelity and being the best father possible.

This **** is not easy and I am impressed with your clarity of thought as you continue to move forward.
stay the course.
 
#3,147 ·
VR...you are going to be fine. I have sat back and refrained from commenting until I could glean more intel.
You have navigated the tumultuous sea of infidelity as well as a man could do. You have established expectations from STBX, been clear and concise, and only need to keep your eye on the objective of getting out of infidelity and being the best father possible.

This **** is not easy and I am impressed with your clarity of thought as you continue to move forward.
stay the course.
Agree. I wish I had half of the self esteem and clarity of thought during my divorce.
 
#3,152 ·
VR...... you're doing better than 98% of others in your shoes. I am aware you have stated multiple times you are not

ready for any type of relationship. You have never said you had any intentions of "putting your wang in a thang."

TTBOMK..... you are searching for human contact, outside of your current previously known friends.

Not a thing wrong with that. You have stated you have no intentions of trying to start anything past basic

friendship. When you are actively seeking "just friends" it is not your job to tell them your life history.

-VR...are you M, D, separated, or in LTR- "Going through a D" -That must be difficult. What stage are you

at in the D?- "It's complicated" And end the chat about D right then. If a female continues to ask questions

after the above reply twice.... often that tells you she may like drama. Draw your own conclusion VR.

The sole reason why this stage of dating for a male getting D after catching WW, is that 75% of the time, a female in

the same situation as VR has the luxury of telling the entire story and the guy she is talking to, does not care. Which

also shows what the said guy is after. VR doesn't have that luxury and by his words, does not even want to have it.

Most unattached females would not want to date VR in his current state.

But here's everything in short...... VR wants friends, just friends, human contact and not every single one from

one certain gender.
 
#3,153 ·
I heard from my attorney who sent me an email along with a scanned copy of the letter. She stated the letter was personal in nature but contained items of interest that could possibly benefit me down the road.

I read the letter and it's basically a mash up of apologies, threats, and begging. It's not really very coherent at times and very uncharacteristic of her and her writing style. She's obviously not doing well.

At this point I'm at a loss at what to do. I absolutely am concerned about her and the baby. And I'm also not in a great place myself. I have some hard decisions to make. I truly wish it was just something I could walk away from at this point but that's just not possible.

I spent last night at my mom and dad's so we could sit and discuss this at length. Their concern is obviously me but like myself, they are very concerned with her due to the baby. We ran through some options. None of them are good for me but I don't know:

1. Bring her back home try to play house until baby is born and then ease into divorce.

2. Begin interacting with her and try to navigate the divorce as peaceably as possible. Which will likely result in things getting uglier when I continue to progress to divorce.

3. Continue with the no contact and more than likely be shut out completely of information on the baby's health and have a guaranteed ugly divorce.

The thought of number one makes me feel like a manipulative piece of crap. Number three is practically untenable. And number two has the least chance of working out for me at this point.

I don't know. This is all going way to fast at this point. It continues to speed up every day.
 
#3,155 ·
As I see it you must have some sort of contact, hopefully you can both make this communication work because of the baby. The last thing you want for her and the baby is for her to have a break down and as you said about the letter she seems very unstable.
As you are divorcing her then no 1 would be very cruel as it would give her more hope when there is none.This is what happened this time and look where that lead.
No 3 is pointless, you have to have contact of some sort in the future.
No 2 begin interacting with her and try and work out how you can both be able to share the pregnancy and upbringing of the baby.

As usual many will of course jump in and say 'go no contact', thats just not possible if you want a good and emotionally healthy co parenting relationship that will have to last a long time. May as well start now.
 
#3,154 ·
Bringing her back into the house doesn't guarantee anything, is rewarding her **** behavior, and is delaying the inevitable. You will still have an ugly divorce when she realizes you were faking. She can still withhold information about the baby when you aren't moving fast enough at "reconciling"/"getting over it". And she could just repeat her little temper tantrum because SHE is the manipulative POS.

Staying NC doesn't seem like a good idea for future custody battles.

So, I vote for option 2.

Have your lawyer send something requesting updates about the baby, be it through lawyers, email, text, whatever. This way you have proof that you wanted updates and SHE made things difficult (if she does).
 
#3,156 ·
Bringing her back into the house doesn't guarantee anything, is rewarding her **** behavior, and is delaying the inevitable. You will still have an ugly divorce when she realizes you were faking. She can still withhold information about the baby when you aren't moving fast enough at "reconciling"/"getting over it". And she could just repeat her little temper tantrum because SHE is the manipulative POS.

Staying NC doesn't seem like a good idea for future custody battles.

So, I vote for option 2.

Have your lawyer send something requesting updates about the baby, be it through lawyers, email, text, whatever. This way you have proof that you wanted updates and SHE made things difficult (if she does).
Yeah believe me, bringing her back into the house is the least appealing of those options. And the least likely to benefit my situation at all long term.

Both of my parents are for option two which I agree holds the best possible outcome for myself.

But honestly, I'm to the point that option three is my favorite. So to speak. I'm just too damn tired of this. I'd hate myself for taking option three but everyone gets to a breaking point. And I'm at it.

I think everyone, my parents, my siblings, people here, and to be honest, myself know I'll go option two but I'm really tired at this point. I never thought I'd understand how a man could just walk out the door and leave his life behind and not regret it. That's where I'm at.
 
#3,162 ·
You left out an option. Bring her back into the house with a clear agreement (in writing) negotiated with the benefit of a third party counselor that it is for convenience only and does not mean reconciliation in any way. In fact, it can include an agreement to separate at a date certain after the baby is born. You can maintain separate bedrooms (or not) and get on with your lives. The best solution is for her not to cheat on you, but that ship has sailed. Next best is to create the environment that's in the best interest of your child.
 
#3,165 ·
Any chance option 2 would work if only the mothers talk about the pregnancy progress and the well being of the mother? This way you limit any communications?
That's a thought. I do hate to put my mother in the middle of this. I mean even more than she is now. She would do it though. And gladly. I'll take that into consideration. Thanks.
 
#3,166 ·
Your wife has shown you who she is.

As I said way back she's going to be very vindictive when she realizes that 1) you're going to follow through on the divorce and 2) once the baby is born (and the divorce is finalized) and she sees that you're dating other women.

I know you're trying to play nice with her so that when the baby is born you can see your child.

You can do all the right things but I think you also need to prepare yourself that things are going to be nasty once the baby is born.

Your wife, by everything you've described since you posted here on TAM, is extremely selfish and vindictive. When she doesn't get what she wants her true nature rears its head.

So there's a strong probability that this happens.
You don't want to reconcile, well in her mind this is you hurting her so guess what....in her vindictive mind she's thinking "how can I hurt VR"? "Well I know how much he wants to see the baby so I'll do everything in my power to keep this from happening".

You can go through the courts to enforce your rights but even afterwards this still doesn't mean that she can make things difficult for you. She can still be hellbent on being vindictive and trying to hurt you and thus you having to get the courts involved (again) to enforce your rights.

Also, another thing that you'll more than likely be dealing with given everything you've described about this wife of yours is she will do EVERYTHING in her power to turn your child against you (and I'm sure her mom will be doing likewise).

I know you and others disagree with my assessment, but your wife is evil, and you better prepare yourself for how evil she really is. People who use innocent children as a pawn in their vindictive selfish hate filled agendas are EVIL!!

Look where trying to be kind with her has gotten you (letting her stay in the house). Bringing her back to the home would be foolish.

You can try to open up communication again to try and reach your desired outcome once the baby is born but the sooner you realize that where you and this woman differ is you're thinking about what's in the best interest of the baby (having a relationship with both the mother and father) whereas your wife doesn't care about this at all. Her NEEDS + agenda are more important than this child.

Your wife isn't going to one day see the light. Nope. The reality of the divorce going through and you not just dating other women but eventually getting into a serious relationship is only going to set this woman off (again)!!

She was the one who did the scorning but she's definitely going to be bringing hell your way.

Sorry VR, I know you don't want to hear all of this, but you really need to realize there's a strong likelihood that this is how things will play out. Trying to reason with her to see the big picture and do what's in the best interest of the child will be an exercise in futility.
 
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