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Wife apparently cheated last year.

1M views 6K replies 242 participants last post by  SearchingForHope 
#1 ·
I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I always thought If my wife ever cheated on me it would be a very clear cut decision. Leave. I never thought I would be...paralyzed is the best way to describe it. Not so much in fear, even though that is one of the feelings I am having but, also shock. I am currently sitting in a hotel room (work related) ten hours away from her and our home and I have no idea what to say, do, think, etc. I’ve been on autopilot since I found out yesterday afternoon. I have only spoken to her briefly and have not mentioned anything about what I know. My emotions are all over the place.

I guess some details are needed. We have been married for four years. I am 32 and she is 31. No children but recently made the decision to start trying. Obviously that’s going to stop. I was notified by the spouse of the guy she was cheating on me with. She provided a couple of pictures via text. One that showed them kissing at her car. The other of them coming out of what is apparently a motel room. She says she has a portable thumb drive for me if I want it. It has everything her investigator gathered that pertains to my wife. She wants to meet up and give me the drive and apologize in person for waiting for so long to come forward, as well as answer any questions I might have. She talked quite a bit but honestly, I only remember bits and pieces of it.
I need to leave for a work meeting and honestly I don’t have it in me to post the details of what I know right now but I will. Right now I just don’t know what I need. Other than sleep
 
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#3,027 ·
I am glad you are in a place of relative peace at the moment VR, just remember that this is a process that has ups and downs. It has often been described as a roller-coaster. This is apt because your emotions will be up one day and down the other with no way to stop the ride.

Gather strength in the moments of peace, because you will need it in the turmoil to come.

May your ups be far more frequent than your downs.

One foot in front of the other, make sure the steps carry you towards the destination where you need to be.
 
#3,037 ·
@Diana7 in the US the average divorce takes 11 months if you don't go to court. If it goes to court the average goes up to 18 months.

I agree with others that have said as soon as the adultery happens the marriage contract is broken and done. It might not be wise to jump into a new relationship but as far as I'm concerned you're free to do what you want at that point. Especially if the adultery happened and you are already in the middle of separation/divorce proceedings. You owe nothing to the other party once they've cheated on you.
 
#3,038 ·
My American friends tell me that most divorces there take just a few months. Mine took 8 in the uk, my husbands took 8, but surely a year to heal and get yourself together is a good and healthy idea? I just dont get how people are in anyway ready for a new relationship so soon, I was just far too devastated and traumatised to even think of another man for 4 years.
The adultery doesn't end the marriage, it does damage it greatly, but you are still married till the divorce goes through whatever people like to think.
 
#3,045 ·
In my state, if it’s an uncontested divorce, you can be divorced in 45-60 days, depending upon how long it takes to get on a docket with a judge to sign the Final Divorce Decree
Same here but obviously the baby is a factor. There might be some negotiates but our legal separation has basically stopped the clock on her ability get more financially from me based on future earnings. And that could be significant if our growth as a company continues. Of course, child support has not been factored in as right now. I have every confidence in my attorney and I'm letting her deal with it based on my wants. Which is basically 50/50 custody.
 
#3,046 ·
You gave her more of a chance than many would have. Had she played it better than she did, I think the part of you that wanted to reconcile would have eventually won over the part of you that didn’t want to. But I think she’ll keep trying to fix things, because she knows what she’s lost, and, who knows, someday she might be truly remorseful instead of just regretful. However, it obviously doesn’t benefit you to sit around waiting on that day so it’s better to move on.
 
#3,051 ·
It took me less than a month to get a divorce. Completely uncontested. On the other hand, the man I am dating now is still married 8 years after separation. They didn’t start the divorce proceeding until recently so that she could remain on his health insurance while going to school. They were living separately, and she currently lives in Maine while he lives in Southern California. I think it’s safe to say their marriage is over, even though it’s still in place legally.
 
#3,053 ·
I went out last night alone and actually met a young lady and we talked for about three hours. She gave me her number. While I have no plans to contact her it was nice to do the whole meet and get her number thing. Big confidence booster.

I would suggest replying to this young lady. Not to get into her pants. Just so you don’t be that ass that never calls. Be honest without going into things.
 
#3,054 ·
I went out last night alone and actually met a young lady and we talked for about three hours. She gave me her number. While I have no plans to contact her it was nice to do the whole meet and get her number thing. Big confidence booster.

I would suggest replying to this young lady. Not to get into her pants. Just so you don’t be that ass that never calls. Be honest without going into things.
@VintageRetro , I'd agree with this suggestion. It's good to let this lady know what's happening. Let her know what's happening in your life. This could help you leave the door open to the possibility of your paths crossing down the road.
 
#3,055 ·
I know I begged off this thread and I have tried very hard to follow that rule given how you had made it pretty plain my advice was unwanted.

I am sorry and you may not like this advice either. I won't post more then this.

However I am not sure anyone has said this.

Given how timing when the date of conception changed and then all of the sudden she changed, I wonder if she has some doubt of your paternity. I hate even having to write this. My question would be how do you know the relationship ended when you think it did? Is it only because that is what she told you? If the conception date moved up maybe that puts it square in the middle of when her affair was. I would strongly recommend you get that DNA test. I think it's safe to say that your wife says and is good act acting one way but who the hell knows whats going on really in her head.

Again I could be totally off base, I don't remember how you got to the dates of when her affair ended and I am not going to re-read 153 pages. But the fact that she changed on a dime makes me think there is more to this. Much more.

I get it another post that probably pisses you off, but I am only trying to help you, which was what I was always trying to do.
 
#3,058 ·
Given how timing when the date of conception changed and then all of the sudden she changed, I wonder if she has some doubt of your paternity. I hate even having to write this. My question would be how do you know the relationship ended when you think it did? Is it only because that is what she told you? If the conception date moved up maybe that puts it square in the middle of when her affair was. I would strongly recommend you get that DNA test. I think it's safe to say that your wife says and is good act acting one way but who the hell knows whats going on really in her head.

Again I could be totally off base, I don't remember how you got to the dates of when her affair ended and I am not going to re-read 153 pages. But the fact that she changed on a dime makes me think there is more to this. Much more.
If I remember it correctly, the affair ended sometime last year around her birthday. This was gleaned from the texts that she sent to her friend who encouraged her to have that affair in the first place. Now STBX is a couple months pregnant at the most and they've been together for most of the time this year.
 
#3,056 ·
@VintageRetro , one of the concerns I have is that your STBX may start rewriting the narrative.

She needs to know that the situation that you both guys are in is not because you were deeply entrenched in your position and was not willing to budge on that. It is because she cheated and then lied to you about it for a year. When confronted, she lied some more and trickled out the truth to you. I still don't feel okay with the situation where she asked to try for a family while hiding this big relationship damaging fact from you. I mean, had you known then what you know now....

Also as you said it, if this is what she does when your relationship is at it's best, then what would she do when the relationship is not at it's best?
 
#3,060 ·
VR, you may want to check out parenting apps and if there is one that could make it easier for you to get those medical updates. If not, perhaps you can use a trusted third party - friend or family member who is Team VR and won't allow your STBX to try and use it as a chance to get back with you or at you.
 
#3,072 ·
I hate the idea of is not being able to deal with things like normal people but I need to be prepared if she continues to be difficult. I looked at the apps from a list that someone DM'ed me and it really looks like a good way to avoid any issues.

Texted the young lady last night. No response until close to midnight. I had fallen asleep by then. Her response.

"Hey you! Sorry just got home. If you're up call. If not shoot me a text when you wake up."

Then:
" I'm a morning person so I'll be awake early."

I sent a text right before I started this post.

We'll see.
 
#3,074 ·
She may be like a lot of people. Divorce occurred when STBXW screwed around. VR hust did not know it yet. In my book it occurs when the WS is served divorce papers. Tge judge sign off is legat splitting of the assets/custody arrangements only.

Bible says to give the WW a certificate of divorce...they did not have the Roman courts split up everything and sign off on it.
Marriage is done when she is served by him.
 
#3,084 ·
I do too. He’s just looking for a female companionship. If he didn’t bite on that, I imagine, smoking hot older woman that was pretty much serving herself up on a platter, I don’t think he will use this girl.

Btw, I totally thought he should have pursued the FWB but I understand that he was not yet emotionally ready due to his heart still being with his stbx.
 
#3,087 ·
VR, be careful of not looking for a relationship. I wasn’t looking for one either, and here I am in one for over a year. The crappy part is she has had to go through the hell, which is my divorce, with me. That makes me sad for her. All the baggage I have. Trust me brother, you have a TON of baggage ahead of you. Be careful about dumping that on someone else, even unknowingly.
 
#3,091 ·
I’m hopeful that when some of the heat cools off, that VR’s wife will appreciate his level-headedness, submit to the fact their marriage is over and she killed it, and coparent with him peacefully. I do expect she will have blowups from time to time. That’s just her.
I suspect she will be banging someone soon, and her ire over VR dumping her will desist.
VR, make sure your attorney puts in the divorce that any costs of extracurricular activities must be agreed upon by both parties or you are not required to pay half. All health care deductibles equally split. And any elective medical surgeries or procedures also must be agreed upon or you’re not required to pay half.
Also, week on, week off custody. Not broken up. It’s super hard for the child to adjust when bouncing around houses e wry two or three days.
 
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#3,096 ·
People you can rest assured I am not interested in entering into a relationship with this lady. Not a sexual one at least. Right now I am surrounded by people who are all concerned about me, my marriage, my Stbx and my future child. Friends and family alike. I think it would be nice to have someone to talk to that is not vested in my current situation. That is on the outside.

Besides after she hears the whole story she might run off and never talk to me again. I'll be disappointed but I'll survive.

Maybe she will decide she wants to be the next Mrs. VR and put the full court press on me to date.

Or maybe. Just maybe. We'll be friends.
 
#3,097 ·
We all need friends and VR is being honest with this lady he met. She will choose if she wants to be a friend or not.

It isn’t your place to rain hell on VR for talking to a female.

What amazes me is the difference in advice some are giving when it comes to gender.

VR has had several chances to just get laid. He hasn’t taken any of them.

Some of you need to get over yourselves.
 
#3,101 ·
We all need friends and VR is being honest with this lady he met. She will choose if she wants to be a friend or not.

It isn’t your place to rain hell on VR for talking to a female.

What amazes me is the difference in advice some are giving when it comes to gender.
Isn't that to be expected?
VR has had several chances to just get laid. He hasn’t taken any of them.

Some of you need to get over yourselves.
Seriously? It's no wonder so few women post on this forum anymore. I'm sorry your wife doesn't like you.
 
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