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I read that thread some early on but had to stop. Too early for me to be objective.
You have to read the whole thread. You can't skim it or jump in the middle and understand all of the mental gymnastics that she (and you) are going through. The thread is very helpful to some people in similar situations. You may find it helpful in understanding what your STBXW is thinking. You will also see that people who have been destroyed by infidelity can become ruthless bullies. That's not you, but you will recognize it when you see it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #822 ·
You have to read the whole thread. You can't skim it or jump in the middle and understand all of the mental gymnastics that she (and you) are going through. The thread is very helpful to some people in similar situations. You may find it helpful in understanding what your STBXW is thinking. You will also see that people who have been destroyed by infidelity can become ruthless bullies. That's not you, but you will recognize it when you see it.
Yeah I think I stopped reading when she went back to her husband to live. I think there was a big debate going on about the graphic nature of her post describing their hysterical bonding or something. It was too much for me. The constant back and forth between the posters had gotten bad and like I said it's a little early for me to be objective about her or her situation. Maybe later on when I'm more sure about what I'm facing.
 

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Spoke with attorney this morning and I will update at the bottom of this post.



Yeah I'm actually surprised. She is not one to be shy about giving her opinion but I think she read the room really well and thought it would be better to be gentle.



This is exactly why I was awake and working this morning at 3 am. I cannot describe the twisted mess in my head and chest between the divorce, affair and possible becoming a father. And the advice you give in your post is almost spot on what my attorney said.



Amen to that.



LOL meditation, medication, and libation ought to do it.


According to the attorney, there is nothing that will stop me from going ahead with the divorce. If it is finalized prior to birth then paternity will be established separately and then custody, child support, visitation, etc. will be determined. I am presumed to be the father until testing and establishing paternity after birth. That's the short answer.

Now the long version. My attorney wants me to think hard before pushing the divorce quickly if STBX is pregnant. Her reasoning is that at any point in this STBX can become highly uncooperative during the divorce proceedings. While it may not be that way now, she warned me that divorces turn extremely contentious on a dime. If I am willing to go slow at this point and she turns out to be pregnant then the chances of me being more involved and informed in regards to the pregnancy is higher. She is not advocating reconciling she is advocating me showing a willingness to cooperate and be a part of the process. Putting the baby before anything else. Then it can only help me when we do divorce. There was talk of maybe even attending classes that help divorce couples co-parent during this time. She also said during this time it may become easier for us to be around each other and that will also be to my benefit. I know this sounds kind of manipulative but if she is pregnant I absolutely want all the access I can get to my child.

Now don't get me wrong, my attorney is legit ready to go. I think she is just warning me that I can step on the gas and get it done quickly without it actually happening quickly and make future negations harder. Or, I can slow down, let things settle, and show the court that I am willing to put the child's best interest first. Then when the time comes to proceed there is a history of cooperation on my side regardless of what STBX does. Again that is just a second scenario that the attorney is letting me know about. Quick divorces with the woman pregnant usually only happen when they want to get divorced fast. Not the other way around.

With that information and other things we discussed...mainly the company financials and such, I'll have a lot to think about. The important things to remember is first, we do not know if she is even pregnant yet. Second, we are still within the thirty day window for her to respond and have at least three weeks left on that. So slowing down is not really slowing down unless she's pregnant. Third, if she is pregnant then I want to be as in the baby's life as much as possible. And this may be the best way to accomplish that.

Now all of this information is less than 2 hours old. I'm relaying it to get opinions. It is an option/scenario I have not been able find any information on. Don't automatically assume it is the route I'll go. The anger is still very very much there and letting it go is appears to be something further in the future. For the record, I contacted the therapist I used after the assault. If you have ever experienced a physical beating it has a way of creating not just paranoia but anger. You find yourself questioning your own manhood and second guessing whether or not your really able to protect yourself or your loved ones. This leads to a lot of anger and frustration. Anyway, I think that may help me process through some of the anger better. I had contacted him a couple of weeks ago but decided not to respond. I think I'm ready now.

Her OB/GYN appointment is May 17th.

One final thing. Abortion is not an option for me.
Hi Vintage,
That's certainly a lot of **** to swallow on top of everything else, for sure. I'm not a parent, but I fully appreciate your stance on wanting full access to your child (if it exists and is yours). It's not manipulative, it's good sense. Your STXW made her bed, and if she wants to believe things can go back to the way it was before her perfidy, that's her problem.

Objectively, she can make visitation and custody really difficult for you, so think on it. When is the doctor's appointment? As you said, you still have 3 weeks to go before she must reply. A lot can change in a day, much less in 3 weeks.

I think your attorney sounds grounded and is giving you solid advice to prepare you for possible scenarios. While it's strategic to prepare for the future and have a contingency plan, don't overthink it and get carried away planning for your future child. You're under a lot of stress atm, breathe!

I don't recall, have you had any IC? I think it would benefit you very much, to help put things in perspective and give you tools to cope with your feelings. Vices help, but only temporarily, ultimately you'll have to "pay the piper", so tools are more effective than booze and meditation.

Hang in there! You are doing amazingly well, and keeping your head on. I expected no less of you than to fight as fiercely for your child, regardless of everything else than you did for your family. If you feel the need to divorce her before the "maybe baby" arrives, do it without guilt, regardless of what other people think.

It's your life, only you know exactly how you feel and your limits. Think of it this way, you need your oxygen mask before you can help another. There's still much you don't know yet, don't be too hasty. Careful, people will come at you to guilt you into putting stress on your STXW b/c of her potential pregnant status, but that's HER problem.
 

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Her appointment is May 17th.

And yes I did have IC last year after the assault. I reached out to my old therapist.
That's not too far off to get some answers, good!

When you say you reached out to your old therapist? Do you mean to help cope now? If so, you're definitely doing everything you possibly can.

I know it's hard now, but you'll start seeing incremental progress say after the 6-month mark. I didn't believe it at first, then saw it for myself. Granted, my situation was WAY simpler, than yours, but one day at a time.
 

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Do you know if she has any plans to do another test? The more days that pass the more likely that the results will be accurate. Have you thought about her doing one when you are present so you can see the result?
 

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1) Your attorney is on the money.

2) Don't fall for the mom and dad have to fake being happy and live together in order to give the child a happy successful childhood.

3) Children need love more than they need mom and dad to be together. Being loved by a happy mom and dad even if mom and dad aren't together will create happiness in the child. Whereas, if mom and dad are together and don't love one another, the child sees and feels this and grow up being negatively influenced.

It's a falsehood and it operates under the pretense that the traditional under one roof theory creates a happy childhood but that thought doesn't factor in the parents relationship under the roof. Kids want there parents to be happy. Period. Kids and people in general can decipher true happiness and will feed off of this and will also respond with dread if love does not exists with the family's leadership (mom and dad).
 

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Yeah I think I stopped reading when she went back to her husband to live. I think there was a big debate going on about the graphic nature of her post describing their hysterical bonding or something. It was too much for me. The constant back and forth between the posters had gotten bad and like I said it's a little early for me to be objective about her or her situation. Maybe later on when I'm more sure about what I'm facing.
I was sympathetic towards her early on before I realized she was using her thread to manipulate reader‘s feelings just like she is manipulating her husband and her parents. Now I think she’s a GD psychopath.
 

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Quite a bit DUMPED ON YOU VR!!

Mugged.
Wife cheating on you.
Her possibly being pregnant.
Fatherhood.

I'm sure you're still trying to wrap your mind around her betraying you.

If she is indeed pregnant you'll step up to the plate and be a d%$n good father to your child (without being married to her).

One positive would be your child never having to experience being under one roof with both of you and than feel the pain of the two of you breaking up. They'll experience two households right out of the gate and that's all they'll know. It will be their "normal".

So much going on and thus your mind darting all over the place. Give yourself time to process and grieve the death of your marriage first. All this other s%^t will work itself out in due time.

Sounds like you have a STRONG LOVING family there to support you.

You'll get through this $h%t storm!!

Praying for wisdom and strength for you.

Hang in there my friend.
 

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Do you know if she has any plans to do another test? The more days that pass the more likely that the results will be accurate. Have you thought about her doing one when you are present so you can see the result?
You can do this for sure. You buy the test, she pees in front of you. Most Drs trust a store pregnancy test without any questions.

You don't even have to buy an expensive test, I got mine at dollar general and it was 100% accurate!
 

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Spoke with attorney this morning and I will update at the bottom of this post.



Yeah I'm actually surprised. She is not one to be shy about giving her opinion but I think she read the room really well and thought it would be better to be gentle.



This is exactly why I was awake and working this morning at 3 am. I cannot describe the twisted mess in my head and chest between the divorce, affair and possible becoming a father. And the advice you give in your post is almost spot on what my attorney said.



Amen to that.



LOL meditation, medication, and libation ought to do it.


According to the attorney, there is nothing that will stop me from going ahead with the divorce. If it is finalized prior to birth then paternity will be established separately and then custody, child support, visitation, etc. will be determined. I am presumed to be the father until testing and establishing paternity after birth. That's the short answer.

Now the long version. My attorney wants me to think hard before pushing the divorce quickly if STBX is pregnant. Her reasoning is that at any point in this STBX can become highly uncooperative during the divorce proceedings. While it may not be that way now, she warned me that divorces turn extremely contentious on a dime. If I am willing to go slow at this point and she turns out to be pregnant then the chances of me being more involved and informed in regards to the pregnancy is higher. She is not advocating reconciling she is advocating me showing a willingness to cooperate and be a part of the process. Putting the baby before anything else. Then it can only help me when we do divorce. There was talk of maybe even attending classes that help divorce couples co-parent during this time. She also said during this time it may become easier for us to be around each other and that will also be to my benefit. I know this sounds kind of manipulative but if she is pregnant I absolutely want all the access I can get to my child.

Now don't get me wrong, my attorney is legit ready to go. I think she is just warning me that I can step on the gas and get it done quickly without it actually happening quickly and make future negations harder. Or, I can slow down, let things settle, and show the court that I am willing to put the child's best interest first. Then when the time comes to proceed there is a history of cooperation on my side regardless of what STBX does. Again that is just a second scenario that the attorney is letting me know about. Quick divorces with the woman pregnant usually only happen when they want to get divorced fast. Not the other way around.

With that information and other things we discussed...mainly the company financials and such, I'll have a lot to think about. The important things to remember is first, we do not know if she is even pregnant yet. Second, we are still within the thirty day window for her to respond and have at least three weeks left on that. So slowing down is not really slowing down unless she's pregnant. Third, if she is pregnant then I want to be as in the baby's life as much as possible. And this may be the best way to accomplish that.

Now all of this information is less than 2 hours old. I'm relaying it to get opinions. It is an option/scenario I have not been able find any information on. Don't automatically assume it is the route I'll go. The anger is still very very much there and letting it go is appears to be something further in the future. For the record, I contacted the therapist I used after the assault. If you have ever experienced a physical beating it has a way of creating not just paranoia but anger. You find yourself questioning your own manhood and second guessing whether or not your really able to protect yourself or your loved ones. This leads to a lot of anger and frustration. Anyway, I think that may help me process through some of the anger better. I had contacted him a couple of weeks ago but decided not to respond. I think I'm ready now.

Her OB/GYN appointment is May 17th.

One final thing. Abortion is not an option for me.
Wait until you see if she is really pregnant. no point in doing anything to you can asses what you have to deal with.

You have really had a hard couple of months man I'm sorry. Just remember when you were in the hospital she was out trying to find her boyfriend.
 
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Yeah I think I stopped reading when she went back to her husband to live. I think there was a big debate going on about the graphic nature of her post describing their hysterical bonding or something. It was too much for me. The constant back and forth between the posters had gotten bad and like I said it's a little early for me to be objective about her or her situation. Maybe later on when I'm more sure about what I'm facing.
You have your head on your shoulders.

It's sad to read about the husband in the other thread.

Even if you become a single dad, you'll be ok because you are not letting your stbxw convince you to forgive her and take her back.

You have a good plan in place. Keep up the good work!
 

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OP you said in another post that infidelity has effect in your state, alimony wise. Hold on that branch and never get away. You have your proof, taken by a professional PI. You would pay for child support, but not for alimony.
 

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I was sympathetic towards her early on before I realized she was using her thread to manipulate reader‘s feelings just like she is manipulating her husband and her parents. Now I think she’s a GD psychopath.
I used to post quite often on here. From when I came here until about late 2017.

I began to see too much in-fighting / right fighting and people being triggered.... I just stepped away.

Threads became more about arguing over right fighting than anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #835 ·
That's not too far off to get some answers, good!

When you say you reached out to your old therapist? Do you mean to help cope now? If so, you're definitely doing everything you possibly can.

I know it's hard now, but you'll start seeing incremental progress say after the 6-month mark. I didn't believe it at first, then saw it for myself. Granted, my situation was WAY simpler, than yours, but one day at a time.
Yeah he helped me with some weird repetitive acts that developed after the assault. I had a lot anger and feelings of helplessness. A LOT like now.

Do you know if she has any plans to do another test? The more days that pass the more likely that the results will be accurate. Have you thought about her doing one when you are present so you can see the result?
I will be speaking to her on the phone directly today to set up her collecting more of her things. These are more furniture type things. Nothing big yet. Just small decorative and sentimental things that she has had for years. I am sure we will discuss it. But to answer your question I really don't know. I am sure she would be open to that suggestion. I mean I can't think of any reason why she wouldn't ...unless she is not being truthful.

1) Your attorney is on the money.

2) Don't fall for the mom and dad have to fake being happy and live together in order to give the child a happy successful childhood.

3) Children need love more than they need mom and dad to be together. Being loved by a happy mom and dad even if mom and dad aren't together will create happiness in the child. Whereas, if mom and dad are together and don't love one another, the child sees and feels this and grow up being negatively influenced.

It's a falsehood and it operates under the pretense that the traditional under one roof theory creates a happy childhood but that thought doesn't factor in the parents relationship under the roof. Kids want there parents to be happy. Period. Kids and people in general can decipher true happiness and will feed off of this and will also respond with dread if love does not exists with the family's leadership (mom and dad).
I'm working hard to keep my eye on the real issues here. Believe me.

Quite a bit DUMPED ON YOU VR!!

Mugged.
Wife cheating on you.
Her possibly being pregnant.
Fatherhood.

I'm sure you're still trying to wrap your mind around her betraying you.

If she is indeed pregnant you'll step up to the plate and be a d%$n good father to your child (without being married to her).

One positive would be your child never having to experience being under one roof with both of you and than feel the pain of the two of you breaking up. They'll experience two households right out of the gate and that's all they'll know. It will be their "normal".

So much going on and thus your mind darting all over the place. Give yourself time to process and grieve the death of your marriage first. All this other s%^t will work itself out in due time.

Sounds like you have a STRONG LOVING family there to support you.

You'll get through this $h%t storm!!

Praying for wisdom and strength for you.

Hang in there my friend.
Man when you list it all out like that...now I'm really depressed. Sorry. Feeble attempt at dark humor. My brother and I have been up all night working and it's 5 am and I am lacking in the sleep department right now..
You can do this for sure. You buy the test, she pees in front of you. Most Drs trust a store pregnancy test without any questions.

You don't even have to buy an expensive test, I got mine at dollar general and it was 100% accurate!
I'm warming up to the idea of us doing that.

Wait until you see if she is really pregnant. no point in doing anything to you can asses what you have to deal with.

You have really had a hard couple of months man I'm sorry. Just remember when you were in the hospital she was out trying to find her boyfriend.
But no no no...you got it wrong! They were broke up! She was just checking to make sure he had not hurt me! She was doing it for me!...end sarcasm. Another attempt at some bad humor.
You have your head on your shoulders.

It's sad to read about the husband in the other thread.

Even if you become a single dad, you'll be ok because you are not letting your stbxw convince you to forgive her and take her back.

You have a good plan in place. Keep up the good work!
I appreciate your confidence in me. Now if I can only convince myself lol.

OP you said in another post that infidelity has effect in your state, alimony wise. Hold on that branch and never get away. You have your proof, taken by a professional PI. You would pay for child support, but not for alimony.
That branch is being held on to so hard right now the pressure is about to cause it to burst into flames. I hate to make any of this about money, but my brother and I have been up all night...15 hours..working. While I will willingly give her what is fair, it burns my ass to know that she may get a monetary windfall off the back of our work. Her contribution was emotional more than anything. Her financial contribution was nothing above what any married couple would do.

Ok I need a few hours sleep. As I said earlier, I am expecting her to call on her lunch break today and make arrangements to pick up some things tomorrow night. I will probable take that time interact with her one on one. I might as well get it over with.
 

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One final thing on the pregnancy issue. Unless she went out and got pregnant in the last three weeks, I am 99 percent sure I am the father. While anything is possible, she has literlally by my side 24/7 the past 13 months with few exceptions. So if she is pregnant ,and again I don't know, and she was clear she was not 100 percent sure, it would be mine. All I can do right now is deal with what I know. Everything else has to be figured in as it becomes a fact.
Last time you had sex with her was the day before you found out. About 3 weeks ago, you were away on business.....she's a cheater.

Hopefully she's not pregnant, then it's a clean break.
 

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I was sympathetic towards her early on before I realized she was using her thread to manipulate reader‘s feelings just like she is manipulating her husband and her parents. Now I think she’s a GD psychopath.
Main difference here is that if VR's wife is preggo it's 99% VR's kid, not 1%.
 

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I was sympathetic towards her early on before I realized she was using her thread to manipulate reader‘s feelings just like she is manipulating her husband and her parents. Now I think she’s a GD psychopath.
I wrote that early on in her thread and got reported and deleted.

VR, sorry you're going through this. I do think you've approached this about as good as someone can.
 

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Hi VR,

If you nicely ask her to take a drug store pregnancy test with you, do you think she will? With these current tests, you can get a positive even before your period is due and they are very accurate. It's better than waiting until her appointment.
 
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