Talk About Marriage banner

801 - 820 of 910 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,453 Posts
It's ok. I'm super annoyed today for obvious reasons and to be fair yours was not the only comment that hit me wrong. Unfortunately, I lost it on yours.

I fully intend to be the best father I can be if she is pregnant. And if she is pregnant I'm more than sure it will be mine. I'll get a dna test but to be honest it would be more for her humiliation than my peace of mine. I think I can be petty a little bit.

@skerzoid I appreciate the call for calm. I don't necessarily see people's outrage and vitriol toward my STBX as anything personal here. I realize all of us are here for the same reason and expect our shared experience to be projected in our opinions. But I do appreciate your sentiment. Thank you.

With that said just a quick update. I've spent the day with the best advisors a person can have.. my parents. They both have assured me they will support whatever my decision I make... In this case divorce. Both laid out the arguments for divorce and leaving the door open for reconcilation. Even reconcilation after divorce. I just can't bring myself seeing reconcilation in any form a good idea. They as always are good at playing both sides of an issue. Especially my dad.

STBX has texted that she will call tomorrow and make an appointment to see the doctor. She said if I want to go with her I could. She rightfully knows I am skeptical of this so is offering me a chance to be there. I replied thank you. I will let you know.

Spoke to OBS and told her. Her response was what I expected. She was positive and upbeat and encouraging. Her advice was to calm down. Breathe. And grill a steak. Seriously. Lol. She says I've never seen a man happier than when he's cooking dead cow over an open flame. So I just finished eating a steak and posted this.
She really sounds like a cool lady. I can see why you enjoy her company.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
175 Posts
Spoke to OBS and told her. Her response was what I expected. She was positive and upbeat and encouraging. Her advice was to calm down. Breathe. And grill a steak. Seriously. Lol. She says I've never seen a man happier than when he's cooking dead cow over an open flame. So I just finished eating a steak and posted this.
Class act. She is looking better and better as time goes on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
936 Posts
It's ok. I'm super annoyed today for obvious reasons and to be fair yours was not the only comment that hit me wrong. Unfortunately, I lost it on yours.

I fully intend to be the best father I can be if she is pregnant. And if she is pregnant I'm more than sure it will be mine. I'll get a dna test but to be honest it would be more for her humiliation than my peace of mine. I think I can be petty a little bit.

@skerzoid I appreciate the call for calm. I don't necessarily see people's outrage and vitriol toward my STBX as anything personal here. I realize all of us are here for the same reason and expect our shared experience to be projected in our opinions. But I do appreciate your sentiment. Thank you.

With that said just a quick update. I've spent the day with the best advisors a person can have.. my parents. They both have assured me they will support whatever my decision I make... In this case divorce. Both laid out the arguments for divorce and leaving the door open for reconcilation. Even reconcilation after divorce. I just can't bring myself seeing reconcilation in any form a good idea. They as always are good at playing both sides of an issue. Especially my dad.

STBX has texted that she will call tomorrow and make an appointment to see the doctor. She said if I want to go with her I could. She rightfully knows I am skeptical of this so is offering me a chance to be there. I replied thank you. I will let you know.

Spoke to OBS and told her. Her response was what I expected. She was positive and upbeat and encouraging. Her advice was to calm down. Breathe. And grill a steak. Seriously. Lol. She says I've never seen a man happier than when he's cooking dead cow over an open flame. So I just finished eating a steak and posted this.
She can fill out a medical release form with your name and information so that you can call and get the results directly from the doctor. If you did not want to be there. I’ve filled out the form so my mom could call and get information.

I am saying a little prayer for you tonight. That you have some peace and serenity. I’m sorry you are going through this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
36 Posts
I think I made myself clear in a previous post. I don't think the baby is the issue. I'm pissed about having her in my life in some form for the rest of my life. So yeah we agree.
I apologize, I was clarifying my advice of steeling yourself for worse case was for TAM not you. As you have seen, because you’ve commented, but I won’t be so polite reading comprehension for some here is challenging.

I also would like to state I’m PI$$ED for you, your agency was completely taken away in the decision to begin trying for a child. By more than just your STBX! You are the EXAMPLE of why the OBS should be notified, if not immediately then in a timely manner. End t/j.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,122 Posts
Oh man, what a **** show! I'm so sorry it keeps piling on, Vintage. Hopefully, she's just late and or lying.

Even so, you're a stand-up man and you'll be a great single dad. Hang in there, man. Confirm the pregnancy first, and take it one step at a time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
134 Posts
I am glad your wife invited you to the doctor’s appointment. It will give you that certainty.

I know you had talked about starting a family and this is not the ideal way to do it but would you be disappointed/sad if she was not pregnant after all?

Assuming your wife is pregnant, what are you going to do about all the consultants’ appointments etc? I know your wife would probably use these to try and reconcile but it would be really sad to miss some milestone events pre-birth, eg seeing your baby for the first time in the womb at a scan. Probably not the right time to ask now but worth thinking about in the next few days.

Affaircare makes some great points about co parenting means.

You certainly sound like you will make a great dad and you have your family’s support around you. Perhaps, after all, this may be the only good thing to come out of this horrible situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,061 Posts
What a horrible situation.

OK - the elephant in the room.

If WW is pregnant, whoever is the biological father, does the potential child deserve to be born into the sort of/lack of relationship that it's mother's deliberate behaviour has ensured it will be emotionally damaged by for the rest of its life?
Is this is your gentle way of suggesting an abortion? Know your audience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,061 Posts
Your Mom deserves the equivalent of the Purple Heart. I can't imagine having to sit there and listen to my daughter-in-law provide a detailed account of how she tore my son's heart out. I can't wrap my mind around why your stbx thought that would be a good idea. And, her mother must have been absolutely cringing. If that was some exercise in accountability, it was a rather cruel one.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,011 Posts
Is this is your gentle way of suggesting an abortion? Know your audience.
I don't post to impress an audience - nor to recommend any course of action: merely to inform.

I was well aware that the possibility had not been alluded to by any one else.

That does not mean that it is not an option.

The person to whom my comment is directed may accept it, ignore it or reject it - but there is, IMO, a moral responsibility to ensure that people in awful circumstances are aware of all the possible steps, however distasteful, they may take to alleviate their situation.
Your Mom deserves the equivalent of the Purple Heart. I can't imagine having to sit there and listen to my daughter-in-law provide a detailed account of how she tore my son's heart out. I can't wrap my mind around why your stbx thought that would be a good idea. And, her mother must have been absolutely cringing. If that was some exercise in accountability, it was a rather cruel one.
Possibly - maybe - deliberately or intuitively, the reason the admission followed the announcement was to build a reservoir of gratification at becoming a grandparent which would lead the mothers to oppose divorce?
 
  • Like
Reactions: AGoodFlogging

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,061 Posts
I don't post to impress an audience - nor to recommend any course of action: merely to inform.

I was well aware that the possibility had not been alluded to by any one else.

That does not mean that it is not an option.

The person to whom my comment is directed may accept it, ignore it or reject it - but there is, IMO, a moral responsibility to ensure that people in awful circumstances are aware of all the possible steps, however distasteful, they may take to alleviate their situation.

Possibly - maybe - deliberately or intuitively, the reason the admission followed the announcement was to build a reservoir of gratification at becoming a grandparent which would lead the mothers to oppose divorce?
The audience in this case is the OP; and, at his age I'm sure he is aware of all options at his dispose. Given his upbringing which has been mentioned, I don't see that as an option he would entertain.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,838 Posts
I don't post to impress an audience - nor to recommend any course of action: merely to inform.

I was well aware that the possibility had not been alluded to by any one else.

That does not mean that it is not an option.

The person to whom my comment is directed may accept it, ignore it or reject it - but there is, IMO, a moral responsibility to ensure that people in awful circumstances are aware of all the possible steps, however distasteful, they may take to alleviate their situation.

Possibly - maybe - deliberately or intuitively, the reason the admission followed the announcement was to build a reservoir of gratification at becoming a grandparent which would lead the mothers to oppose divorce?
Everyone knows thats an option for some, they don't actually need anyone to tell them that. However for most parents it's not a moral option, killing their own child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
127 Posts
Your Mom deserves the equivalent of the Purple Heart. I can't imagine having to sit there and listen to my daughter-in-law provide a detailed account of how she tore my son's heart out. I can't wrap my mind around why your stbx thought that would be a good idea. And, her mother must have been absolutely cringing. If that was some exercise in accountability, it was a rather cruel one.
Amen to this!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
732 Posts
VR

I am speaking as a father and grandfather. Before my first child was born, my attitude toward my child was enthusiastic, but also objective. I was excited for my wife because she wanted very badly to be a mother. I was supportive and loving. However I was not as excited as she was. It was HER child .

I had my life to live.

However, immediately upon seeing my son, my universe changed. Holding him for the first time, my life became his life. He was MY child and I would lay down my life for him.

This is why I am counseling caution. Your world will change and you will have a much different view point than you do now. I understand your anger, but I am warning you, when you hold YOUR child, you will understand what I am saying.

I am not telling you to D or R. However, I am telling you to get your anger under control. You need to make decisions based on your future relationship with your son or daughter. Blood is thicker than water. Your WW and OBS are water.

That baby is YOUR blood and YOUR destiny.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter · #819 ·
Spoke with attorney this morning and I will update at the bottom of this post.

Your Mom deserves the equivalent of the Purple Heart. I can't imagine having to sit there and listen to my daughter-in-law provide a detailed account of how she tore my son's heart out. I can't wrap my mind around why your stbx thought that would be a good idea. And, her mother must have been absolutely cringing. If that was some exercise in accountability, it was a rather cruel one.
Yeah I'm actually surprised. She is not one to be shy about giving her opinion but I think she read the room really well and thought it would be better to be gentle.

VR

I am speaking as a father and grandfather. Before my first child was born, my attitude toward my child was enthusiastic, but also objective. I was excited for my wife because she wanted very badly to be a mother. I was supportive and loving. However I was not as excited as she was. It was HER child .

I had my life to live.

However, immediately upon seeing my son, my universe changed. Holding him for the first time, my life became his life. He was MY child and I would lay down my life for him.

This is why I am counseling caution. Your world will change and you will have a much different view point than you do now. I understand your anger, but I am warning you, when you hold YOUR child, you will understand what I am saying.

I am not telling you to D or R. However, I am telling you to get your anger under control. You need to make decisions based on your future relationship with your son or daughter. Blood is thicker than water. Your WW and OBS are water.

That baby is YOUR blood and YOUR destiny.
This is exactly why I was awake and working this morning at 3 am. I cannot describe the twisted mess in my head and chest between the divorce, affair and possible becoming a father. And the advice you give in your post is almost spot on what my attorney said.

I’m looking forward to news that his wife isn’t pregnant.
Amen to that.

How are you doing today?

hang in there.
stay strong.
And do what you must to be able to look the mnemonic in the mirror in the eye.
LOL meditation, medication, and libation ought to do it.


According to the attorney, there is nothing that will stop me from going ahead with the divorce. If it is finalized prior to birth then paternity will be established separately and then custody, child support, visitation, etc. will be determined. I am presumed to be the father until testing and establishing paternity after birth. That's the short answer.

Now the long version. My attorney wants me to think hard before pushing the divorce quickly if STBX is pregnant. Her reasoning is that at any point in this STBX can become highly uncooperative during the divorce proceedings. While it may not be that way now, she warned me that divorces turn extremely contentious on a dime. If I am willing to go slow at this point and she turns out to be pregnant then the chances of me being more involved and informed in regards to the pregnancy is higher. She is not advocating reconciling she is advocating me showing a willingness to cooperate and be a part of the process. Putting the baby before anything else. Then it can only help me when we do divorce. There was talk of maybe even attending classes that help divorce couples co-parent during this time. She also said during this time it may become easier for us to be around each other and that will also be to my benefit. I know this sounds kind of manipulative but if she is pregnant I absolutely want all the access I can get to my child.

Now don't get me wrong, my attorney is legit ready to go. I think she is just warning me that I can step on the gas and get it done quickly without it actually happening quickly and make future negations harder. Or, I can slow down, let things settle, and show the court that I am willing to put the child's best interest first. Then when the time comes to proceed there is a history of cooperation on my side regardless of what STBX does. Again that is just a second scenario that the attorney is letting me know about. Quick divorces with the woman pregnant usually only happen when they want to get divorced fast. Not the other way around.

With that information and other things we discussed...mainly the company financials and such, I'll have a lot to think about. The important things to remember is first, we do not know if she is even pregnant yet. Second, we are still within the thirty day window for her to respond and have at least three weeks left on that. So slowing down is not really slowing down unless she's pregnant. Third, if she is pregnant then I want to be as in the baby's life as much as possible. And this may be the best way to accomplish that.

Now all of this information is less than 2 hours old. I'm relaying it to get opinions. It is an option/scenario I have not been able find any information on. Don't automatically assume it is the route I'll go. The anger is still very very much there and letting it go is appears to be something further in the future. For the record, I contacted the therapist I used after the assault. If you have ever experienced a physical beating it has a way of creating not just paranoia but anger. You find yourself questioning your own manhood and second guessing whether or not your really able to protect yourself or your loved ones. This leads to a lot of anger and frustration. Anyway, I think that may help me process through some of the anger better. I had contacted him a couple of weeks ago but decided not to respond. I think I'm ready now.

Her OB/GYN appointment is May 17th.

One final thing. Abortion is not an option for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Discussion Starter · #820 ·
If VR’s wife starts posting on TAM and gets the same sort of sympathy that another pregnant, cheating wife has managed to get on this site my head will explode.
She's getting advice from somewhere just based on her texts. I read that thread some early on but had to stop. Too early for me to be objective.
 
801 - 820 of 910 Posts
Top