VR:I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.
I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..
Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?
How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?
Things of that nature.
On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .
We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.
I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.
Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.
For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.
Thank you.
Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk
You might want to start a new thread in the reconcilliation forum. There are plenty of people who'll be more than happy to help you with different perspectives and things you may not be actively thinking of on this journey as well.I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.
I agree that a BS needs to protect themselves, but what you wrote here is not reconciliation. A couple who is living like that has not truly reconciled, is not committed to R, and has not moved forward.I don't consider myself either pro nor anti reconciliation as a concept.
But I am very pro self advocacy and self preservation.
Reconciliation is a gift given to the WS by the BS. The WS is not owed or entitled to any kind of reconciliation attempt.
And if R is granted by the BS, it needs to be on their terms and their criteria and with the understanding that reconciliation can be revoked at any time for any or even no reason.
My recommendation for R would be for the BS to basically always have a clear exit route and make clear to the WS that they will never be fully trusted and never be on equal footing within the relationship. They would be a guest and their welcome would depend on their behavior.
If my son or brother or best friend were to take a WW back, I would advise against ever conjoining finances (which I don't believe in that much anyway) or having the WS' name on the lease/deed or any joint property such both names on the car title etc etc. Nor would I ever advise a WS to be a SAHM or to be fully supported by the BH. As stated above, consider the WW a guest in the relationship expected to contribute and pay their share.
In the case of a R being attempted after a divorce, I wouldn't advise marrying again. After going through the division of property and assets and custody arrangements etc once, The BS may be too hesitant to pull the ejection handle again if the WS were to reoffend. The ejection handle always needs to be within reach and be willing to pull it at any time.
To use Richards Cooper's analogy, hire slow and fire fast.
If the WS is not agreeable to those terms... well then maybe the OM may come around and offer a better deal more to her liking.
Added you to my prayer list brother. Praying that God will smooth your path toward R.For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them.
Of all the stories I've read on TAM yours has always appeared to have the best chance of R from my view. You have always seemed to have the right attitude about everything and your ex appears to be one of the rare waywards that has done the right things for the right reason.I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.
I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..
Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?
How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?
Things of that nature.
On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .
We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.
I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.
Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.
For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.
Thank you.
Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk
A reconciliation is in the eye of the beholder and more importantly it is in the eye of the BS. It is a gift granted to the WS based on the BS's sense of generosity.I agree that a BS needs to protect themselves, but what you wrote here is not reconciliation. A couple who is living like that has not truly reconciled, is not committed to R, and has not moved forward.
I think any half-decent former WS will always worry that their BS can leave at any point, but they shouldn't be living in constant fear. That isn't helpful at all and makes R a lot harder, if not impossible.
What you describe isn’t a healthy relationship.A reconciliation is in the eye of the beholder and more importantly it is in the eye of the BS. It is a gift granted to the WS based on the BS's sense of generosity.
An affair does not give the BS license to abuse, mistreat or be mean to the WS.
But I think we would all agree that after an affair, the marriage/relationship is forever 'different.' If a reconciliation is to become a healthy, functional relationship, it must be built anew from the ground up. As VR himself has stated, starting with dating again.
That is fair. Dating is an interview and tryout and probationary period where people spend time together and do things together to get to know each other and see if they are right together in meeting each other's needs.
Do we open bank accounts and investments and retirement accounts with people we are going on saturday night dinner and movie nights with? We we take out mortgages and home loans and give medical powers of attorney to decide when they pull the plug on our life support with someone we are getting to know? Do we have children with someone and spend the rest of our lives intertwined with someone we are starting to see?
The answer to that is of course no, but here is the bigger catch - post affair, the BS KNOWS that the WS is prone to lying and cheating and deceiving and betraying. They have already had the rug pulled out from under their lives and have already been heartbroken and had their children's lives put into turmoil.
So I disagree that what I described above is not a reconciliation. allowing a WS back into your life at all is a reconciliation.
I am not advocating that the BS "punish" or mistreat or abuse the WS in anyway, we are still obligated to be good people ourselves.
But it's simply pragmatic and self preservation to have stipulations and conditions and perimeters going forward that will mitigate and lessen the damage caused should the WS again employ the behavior that we now know they are prone to do.
She is not owned or entitled to any access into VR's personal life, financial life or family life other than that stipulated by the divorce court.
He is giving her a great gift. She is a guest. And her length of stay and her welcome is determined by him. And it is in his best interests and well being to be very prudent and conservative in what keys to his life and well being that he grants her.
She has free will and she can choose whether those perameters and conditions are agreeable to her or not.
If it is agreeable to her and she lives within those parameters then all is well and they live happily ever after.
If she doesn't like those terms, then maybe she could call up the OM and see if he has a better deal for her.
VR gave her full access before and look how that turned out for him. It's now a new day, a new relationship and a new beginning. This time he would be wise to be a little more discriminating.
How is it not healthy and how is it punishment????? Honest question, I don't see how it is either punishment nor unhealthy so please explain.What you describe isn’t a healthy relationship.
whether it is punishment or not it’s simply a power play and the healthy strong emotional connection can not be strong in a relationship built or OR ELSE.