[ccpowerslave]

I thought this would be the outcome and I’m happy for you VR. I believe in redemption and I hope it works out.

 

[bobert]

I agree with you that TAM is not a reconciliation-friendly place. I took about a 6-month break from TAM when I first decided to reconcile because being here wasn't helpful or healthy with R being the goal. And many breaks since then.

That being said, there are people here who will help you if you decide to hang around. You could start a new thread in the R forum and say that you don't want people to comment if they aren't on board with your decision and block the a-holes. Or you can PM with people who you get along with (individually or as a group).

One way or another, you will need support because R is hard and it sucks in the beginning, but it can definitely be worth it. If that support is here, great. If that's somewhere else, also great. Just make sure that you do have support.

Honestly, I'm not the least bit surprised at this turn of events - just the feeling I've had while reading along. If you think it's the right decision for yourself and your son, then great. Friends, family, and people here don't have to agree with that choice but they should respect it. If not, you will likely have to make some cuts in your life. I have removed a lot of people from my life because they couldn't accept it. I hope you don't have to do that.

You certainly haven't rushed into this decision, so trust yourself that you can use that same patience to take R slowly. If you catch yourself falling into old habits, stop and back up a little. There is nothing wrong with realizing you moved too quickly and need to take a step backward. You can also try planning out how you want the year to go. Don't have dates set in stone of when you can take another step forward, but rather check-in dates to see/reevaluate if it's time to move forward, keep things as they are, or even slow down a bit.

Physical touch... That may get easier as you get closer to her emotionally (personally the MC methods that I have found most helpful with that have been EFT and Gottman). I honestly had to do some "fake it 'till you make it". I hated touching my wife, sex was repulsive, I counted down the seconds until I could stop hugging or kissing her, I had to force myself not to pull away, etc. Eventually it stopped and that's no longer an issue at all or something that I ever think about.

The triggers will probably be hard. I can't say they ever go away completely but they do get much better in time and IC can really help you with that. I do suggest IC on top of the MC. EMDR is a great tool to try in IC (my MC does it as well).

Anyways, I do hope that this decision works out well for you and everyone involved.

 

[Cynthia]

I also believe in redemption. I know I've had many instances in my life where I was on the wrong path, but realized it and repented. Some of these detours were big and some small. Life isn't linear. People change for the better and for the worse. There are only a few things that we know about the future, but when we place our trust in God rather than in people, we are on the best path.
I try to live by this and let the rest fall into place:
He answered: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Luke 10:27

 

[Cynthia]

What @bobert said about EMDR is a great idea. I've spoken to people who said that it was very hellpful for them.

 

[ccpowerslave]

One of the great things in life is redemption in my opinion. We all fail and fall at something. At that point it is easy to descend into weakness and debauchery. The hard path is the path of redemption. I’m glad you’re going to try.

 

[Lostinthought61]

Look this has been a long and difficult journey for both of you, don't worry about where TAM lies in all of this in the end it's your life, you need to make decisions that are best for you and yours. I would make sure if you get to the point you of getting back permanently with her that you protect your assets by requesting a pre or post nup.

 

[Rob_1]

But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly.

That's because you are in the wrong section for that. You need to start a new thread in the Reconciliation Section. It will be a different environment there. Try it and gauge how it goes.

 

[Rob_1]

I thought this would be the outcome and I’m happy for you VR. I believe in redemption and I hope it works out.

Absolutely, I got the same vibe throughout his posts that eventually he was going to try for reconciliation. It was a given for me.

 

[Openminded]

You’re correct that TAM doesn’t tend to support reconciliation — there’s been lots of negative posts on this thread — but it’s your life and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. I wish you the best going forward.

 

[Divinely Favored]

I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.

I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..

Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?

How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?

Things of that nature.

On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .

We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.

I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.

Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.

For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.

Thank you.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

Oops, should have took that left turn in Albuquerque

 

[Cynthia]

I would still blow it all up, shed the light on the towns little f-fest between them all. Wonder how many other betrayed spouses there are. I would make them rue the day they allowed your wife into their party. She should be totally ostracized by then and no contact. I would make my wife write down names of the guys and the women too. You need to know all the people that your wife needs to totally cut out of her life. Sounds like half the town. If I ever decided that we would have to move freaking states and she would never be allowed to even visit there again.

I think you're in the wrong thread. You might start by reading the OP to refresh your memory.

 

[Exit37]

I would still blow it all up, shed the light on the towns little f-fest between them all. Wonder how many other betrayed spouses there are. I would make them rue the day they allowed your wife into their party. She should be totally ostracized by then and no contact. I would make my wife write down names of the guys and the women too. You need to know all the people that your wife needs to totally cut out of her life. Sounds like half the town. If I ever decided that we would have to move freaking states and she would never be allowed to even visit there again.

I think you are mixing this up with another thread. OP’s WW had one co-conspirator, her cheating BFF.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[ConanHub]

I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.

I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..

Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?

How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?

Things of that nature.

On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .

We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.

I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.

Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.

For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.

Thank you.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

Will be praying for you.

There are some who are pro reconciliation and those who aren't and those in between.

I'm pro health.

It's been interesting for sure but it sounds like you are doing what you believe to be healthy for yourself.

You might want to start up in the reconciliation forum.

Stay healthy buddy.

CH.

 

[Evinrude58]

Wishing you the best of luck VR.

 

[Diana7]

Not sure if you remember but I hoped for this from the start and was very much vilified for it. Sometimes God turns things right around and takes you along a path that you didn't envisage. I think thats why you have been experiencing such disquiet over the last year. Or a lack of peace shall we say. I often don't think that reconciling after an affair is the right thing, but I do know a few good marriages where this has happened, especially when children were involved. I hope for the best for you both.

 

[Anastasia6]

You are right this is not a reconciliation friendly place.

I wish you and you ex all the luck in the world. If you’ve found a good counselor you don’t really need us.

of course we love hearing updates as we have all come to like you and wish you the best.

 

[Tested_by_stress]

Good luck VR. It does appear that she's put in te work and is truly remorseful for destroying your marriage . That said, take it slow and protect yourself. God bless.

 

[CrAzYdOgLaDy]

Good luck to you both VR. Wishing you both all the happiness for years to come.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk

 

[Divinely Favored]

I think you are mixing this up with another thread. OP’s WW had one co-conspirator, her cheating BFF.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

So I was.

 

[Divinely Favored]

VR hope it goes well, your situation is about the only one I have seen that in my mind might be salvageable. God speed.