[MeMyself&I2023]

Yours is a truly sad story. Nobody wins. All of you have lost something, including your child. Your wife's infidelity robbed your son of the happy intact home he deserved. My heart goes out to all of you.

You've made it clear that you want your ex to find a good man and have a happy and fulfilling life. This is unlikely. The sort of man who would provide that for her is probably not going to want a single mother divorced due to her infidelity. This is a simple statement of fact. And from what I gather, the sort of man YOU are will never be at peace while she faces the world alone.

What I'm getting at is there's probably little chance of you ever being happy and at peace. Not with things the way they are. So if I were you I'd seriously consider giving up the idea of being happy and decide what is the best use of the rest of your days.

I do not council reconciliation. There is no way to reconcile marital infidelity. But I am living testament to the fact that you can sacrifice your self to make life better for someone you care about. I've got 25 years of it under the bridge. You can make a new relationship that is not built on the past, but on the future. And as God is my witness you can feel pride in it. If I had it to do over I'd make the same decision. It is something to consider.

Whatever happens I fervently hope that your life affords you some peace and comfort. You didn't deserve any of this. And try to remember what she has lost as well. The fact that she caused it does not lessen the agony of losing you.

 

[Evinrude58]

I totally disagree. VR has a better chance than most of being happy. He has boundaries and values himself enough and has confidence in himself enough to enforce those boundaries. Time will heal him and he will either reconcile with his cheater wife or he will find someone else that will treat him good. Even if not, he will find a way to be happy.

 

[sideways]

Yours is a truly sad story. Nobody wins. All of you have lost something, including your child. Your wife's infidelity robbed your son of the happy intact home he deserved. My heart goes out to all of you.

You've made it clear that you want your ex to find a good man and have a happy and fulfilling life. This is unlikely. The sort of man who would provide that for her is probably not going to want a single mother divorced due to her infidelity. This is a simple statement of fact. And from what I gather, the sort of man YOU are will never be at peace while she faces the world alone.

What I'm getting at is there's probably little chance of you ever being happy and at peace. Not with things the way they are. So if I were you I'd seriously consider giving up the idea of being happy and decide what is the best use of the rest of your days.

I do not council reconciliation. There is no way to reconcile marital infidelity. But I am living testament to the fact that you can sacrifice your self to make life better for someone you care about. I've got 25 years of it under the bridge. You can make a new relationship that is not built on the past, but on the future. And as God is my witness you can feel pride in it. If I had it to do over I'd make the same decision. It is something to consider.

Whatever happens I fervently hope that your life affords you some peace and comfort. You didn't deserve any of this. And try to remember what she has lost as well. The fact that she caused it does not lessen the agony of losing you.

So your first post is to tell a man that "there's probably little chance of him ever being happy and at peace"?

 

[Evinrude58]

Unneeded post.

are you VR’s ex?

 

[VintageRetro]

I just got back from a short camping trip to rejuvenate and ruminate on my current predicament. And I appreciate everyone's advice as always.

I'm better and doing fine. Thank you to those that have asked.

I've had a tremendously helpful exchange with a member here and that along with my mini sabbatical has given me an opportunity to clear my mind

One of the things I have done since I got back was visit my father's grave. Something I have not been able to do since the day of his funeral. It's also something that no one in my family knew. I was ashamed to tell my mom and siblings that I had not been back since the funeral. While it might not seem like much it was very hard for me. It's also a step in the right direction for me.

My ex and I are back to minimal contact. At least for now. I'll continue speaking with my pastor as needed and on the off chance I could be suffering from depression I have decided to see my doctor and speak to him about it.

This evening I spoke to Mom about some of things I have posted about lately. She was very emotional and supportive. I was both inspired and surprised by some of her opinions about the past two years. The loss of my father. And what she believes my future holds. Plus she made me a pecan pie which always helps in my opinion.

That's all for now. Thank you everyone.


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[Harold Demure]

Thanks for the update VR and glad you are starting to feel more positive.

There is a reason people are supportive of you - you are a good guy and maybe you need to give yourself greater credit than you do.

 

[1994]

Best wishes for your continued healing.

 

[drpod]

I just got back from a short camping trip to rejuvenate and ruminate on my current predicament. And I appreciate everyone's advice as always.

I'm better and doing fine. Thank you to those that have asked.

I've had a tremendously helpful exchange with a member here and that along with my mini sabbatical has given me an opportunity to clear my mind

One of the things I have done since I got back was visit my father's grave. Something I have not been able to do since the day of his funeral. It's also something that no one in my family knew. I was ashamed to tell my mom and siblings that I had not been back since the funeral. While it might not seem like much it was very hard for me. It's also a step in the right direction for me.

My ex and I are back to minimal contact. At least for now. I'll continue speaking with my pastor as needed and on the off chance I could be suffering from depression I have decided to see my doctor and speak to him about it.

This evening I spoke to Mom about some of things I have posted about lately. She was very emotional and supportive. I was both inspired and surprised by some of her opinions about the past two years. The loss of my father. And what she believes my future holds. Plus she made me a pecan pie which always helps in my opinion.

That's all for now. Thank you everyone.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

 

[Evinrude58]

Yours is a truly sad story. Nobody wins. All of you have lost something, including your child. Your wife's infidelity robbed your son of the happy intact home he deserved. My heart goes out to all of you.

You've made it clear that you want your ex to find a good man and have a happy and fulfilling life. This is unlikely. 1) The sort of man who would provide that for her is probably not going to want a single mother divorced due to her infidelity. This is a simple statement of fact. And from what I gather, the sort of man
2: YOU are will never be at peace while she faces the world alone.

3: What I'm getting at is there's probably little chance of you ever being happy and at peace. Not with things the way they are. So if I were you I'd 4:seriously consider giving up the idea of being happy and decide what is the best use of the rest of your days.

I do not council reconciliation. There is no way to reconcile marital infidelity. But I am living testament to the fact that 5: you can sacrifice your self to make life better for someone you care about. I've got 25 years of it under the bridge. You can make a new relationship that is not built on the past, but on the future. And as God is my witness you can feel pride in it. If I had it to do over I'd make the same decision. It is something to consider.

Whatever happens I fervently hope that your life affords you some peace and comfort. You didn't deserve any of this.6 And try to remember what she has lost as well. The fact that she caused it does not lessen the agony of 7 losing you.

this post really disturbed me. It’s one of the most troubling and bizarre posts I’ve read on this site. It makes me think that VR’s wife or mother posted it.

1: it’s not VR’s responsibility who chooses her or who she chooses. She’s a beautiful woman and likely has learned a lot and sounds like she’s grown as a person. She can most definitely find a good man.
2: VR can most definitely be at peace, he should sleep well knowing he was faithful in marriage, and even more faithful in a divorce he was forced into.
3: why shouldn’t and why can’t he be happy? There’s zero reason he can’t. That’s really a strange thing to say. Seemingly meant to scare him, although he doesn’t seem to be the kind of man this will affect.
4: give up the pursuit of happiness? What kind of craziness is this????
5: you suggest he “sacrifice himself”???? Again, HUH????? Why? He’s doing great with his son. Who needs him to sacrifice himself??
6: she LOST??????? She FOUND another man, and gave herself to him, and left his bed smiling in photograph. She didn’t lose VR, she gave him away.
7: again, “losing him” implies she was not at fault. She didn’t lose him, she FORCED him out of her life by doing something she should have known he couldn’t live with, and which no man should accept.

I suspect the person who posted this has some connection to this case. Only some strong emotions could cause such skewed thinking.

 

[VintageRetro]

this post really disturbed me. It’s one of the most troubling and bizarre posts I’ve read on this site. It makes me think that VR’s wife or mother posted it.

1: it’s not VR’s responsibility who chooses her or who she chooses. She’s a beautiful woman and likely has learned a lot and sounds like she’s grown as a person. She can most definitely find a good man.
2: VR can most definitely be at peace, he should sleep well knowing he was faithful in marriage, and even more faithful in a divorce he was forced into.
3: why shouldn’t and why can’t he be happy? There’s zero reason he can’t. That’s really a strange thing to say. Seemingly meant to scare him, although he doesn’t seem to be the kind of man this will affect.
4: give up the pursuit of happiness? What kind of craziness is this????
5: you suggest he “sacrifice himself”???? Again, HUH????? Why? He’s doing great with his son. Who needs him to sacrifice himself??
6: she LOST??????? She FOUND another man, and gave herself to him, and left his bed smiling in photograph. She didn’t lose VR, she gave him away.
7: again, “losing him” implies she was not at fault. She didn’t lose him, she FORCED him out of her life by doing something she should have known he couldn’t live with, and which no man should accept.

I suspect the person who posted this has some connection to this case. Only some strong emotions could cause such skewed thinking.

Disturbing... Yes. Someone I know... I very seriously doubt it.

I'm going to assume... Some of this was just a result of not proofreading. = Lemonade.

Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

 

[sokillme]

this post really disturbed me. It’s one of the most troubling and bizarre posts I’ve read on this site. It makes me think that VR’s wife or mother posted it.

1: it’s not VR’s responsibility who chooses her or who she chooses. She’s a beautiful woman and likely has learned a lot and sounds like she’s grown as a person. She can most definitely find a good man.
2: VR can most definitely be at peace, he should sleep well knowing he was faithful in marriage, and even more faithful in a divorce he was forced into.
3: why shouldn’t and why can’t he be happy? There’s zero reason he can’t. That’s really a strange thing to say. Seemingly meant to scare him, although he doesn’t seem to be the kind of man this will affect.
4: give up the pursuit of happiness? What kind of craziness is this????
5: you suggest he “sacrifice himself”???? Again, HUH????? Why? He’s doing great with his son. Who needs him to sacrifice himself??
6: she LOST??????? She FOUND another man, and gave herself to him, and left his bed smiling in photograph. She didn’t lose VR, she gave him away.
7: again, “losing him” implies she was not at fault. She didn’t lose him, she FORCED him out of her life by doing something she should have known he couldn’t live with, and which no man should accept.

I suspect the person who posted this has some connection to this case. Only some strong emotions could cause such skewed thinking.

Some posters give advice that is marriage based, others prioritize the OP and their emotional health.

 

[VintageRetro]

I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.

I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..

Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?

How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?

Things of that nature.

On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .

We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.

I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.

Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.

For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.

Thank you.


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[jlg07]

VR, God bless -- I hope you get what you need in your life from this.
As for going TOO fast -- try to schedule dates, so that you don't just automatically fall back into being with each other every day.
Forget the judgement on TAM -- you do what YOU need to do. You want to attempt R? GREAT for YOU. There are folks here who have done it, and maybe you could ask THEM to chime in.
For those who don't like it, ask them to kindly NOT comment.

 

[CrapMan]

I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.

I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..

Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?

How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?

Things of that nature.

On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .

We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.

I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.

Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.

For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.

Thank you.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

Very glad you two took this direction! I could tell love was still there between you. Good luck to you. How about starting a joirnal thread in
Reconciliation?

 

[CrapMan]

I agree with jlg07. There are seasoned posters that are pro-reconciliation. I am not a pro-reconciliation; but, some threads like yours makes me think it can happen if both parties are in the right mind set. I, for one, got very invested with your thread. I would be interested in your journey in reconciliation. Hoping for the best for you, your wife, and child.

 

[Exit37]

VR, I wish you the very best of luck! You have handled this as well as any I’ve seen here…. Clearly you’ve given this a lot of thought, and I hope this works out for you. I think your WW is very unlikely to have another affair, so this is really about whether you can get past what she did. Give it your best shot, we are all in your corner. Take care.


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[Perkman0109]

I spoke to my ex yesterday and I have decided to give her the chance to R.

I have spent the past few weeks talking, thinking, and praying about this and it is what I want to do. I have spent the last year living a life I never enjoyed. Doing things and acting in a manner contrary to who I am. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. She has been constant in her desire to do whatever I needed to heal. Last week we had a couple's counseling session. The goal was to speak to a professional on what we were facing and how we would need to go about R. He's good. Really good. Was to the point and very detailed on what we were facing. He encouraged both of us to take three days and really think it through before deciding. He even helped us make a list of things to think about. For example..

Can we handle family and friends that are not happy with R?

How does she feel about my sexual partners over the past year?

Things of that nature.

On Friday I spoke to her and told her that I would commit to attempting R. No promises just my word that I would put forth my best .

We are not moving back in together. This will be more like a dating and getting to know each other all over again. There's been no intimacy at this point. Physical contact has been a hug and hand hold yesterday with more of the same at lunch today. We have another couple session Monday evening and we look to begin the heavy lifting then. Until that time it's been light conversation and spending time together alone. She's beyond excited but very understanding that we are just starting a long journey and it might not end the way she wants it. Our biggest hurdle I believe is going too fast. Falling back into old habits out of familiarity. That and my issues with physical touch between us. I'm also sure triggers will be a big one too.

I'm not sure what to do about TAM. I've gotten a lot of help here that I truly appreciate. But this is not a place I believe to be R friendly. I don't want an echo chamber but at th same time this can be a very judgemental place with some members so hurt by their pain that it's unsettling. I'm a man. I can take it. But do I want the mental and emotional drain that comes from that type of negative attacks. And TAM is not unique to this type of reactions. Other sites are the same.

Anyway, I felt like since all of you have been on this ride with me I wanted to let you know the latest. I hope you can respect this decision and the thought and prayers that went into making it. I'm taking a leap of faith and I understand that faith was abused in the past. I need to try this for my own sake.

For those of you that believe in prayer. I need them. We need them. For those of you that don't we need you also.

Thank you.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk

I think it's wonderful news! I haven't posted before but I have been silently rooting for both of you.

Best Wishes

 

[oldshirt]

You're a grown man and can choose what you think is the best path for you.

My advice is to always have a packed parachute on, always have an eye out for a soft place to land and don't be afraid to pull the ejection handle at any point.

 

[FakeNews001]

Whatever you do, never marry again, and avoid any situation that might (in your state) put you in a common-law situation. Also, I would advise against the whole thing, but you have to do what you think is right...

 

[MIB]

@VintageRetro

No shame, brother! I have been rooting for reconciliation from the very beginning of your story. What really drove it home for me was just how absolutely remorseful your wife is, the vibe I got when you described things like, for example, how she looks when she gets mad, and the fact that you love her deeply. She screwed up bad, but she hates it as much as you do and is willing to take it as far as you need to get back in your arms.

You are a man of faith. You already know the deceiver will attack a marriage and only needs to get one to fail. He attacked your marriage and he almost got it. I pray in the name of Jesus that you two begin to stand shoulder to shoulder and fight off the enemy together.

Almost, my friend. ALMOST! Now you get to say, “NOT TODAY, SATAN! GET THEE BEHIND ME! This is MY girl! This is MY life! I am the one for this woman, so I rebuke you and your ways back to Hell!”

Lots of stories where I see D as the only way, but your story is different. You both seem like you can do this. Instead of laying that on thick before, I prayed for you and hoped you would see what I saw in your story.

She is your girl. Go get it all back and start making up for lost time.

God bless you brother.

Why are you still here reading this? Go get her, man! 😄