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I just think that her reading a lot of posts from strangers who were more pissed off about the situation than VR might be "not good" for her. (and yes she did a terrible thing)
Maybe it would help her understand what VR was feeling at his low point. That may help her empathize, VR is not out for burning the witch aka mother of his child. It could send her down a dark path, but I am not a counselor...
 

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For the record, that won't be while I'm dealing with my current issue which is definitely spiritual issue. My spiritual well being is very important to me. It's a very personal thing and I'm having to learn to navigate this without the man I trusted most in the world. My father. I have lost an example of what I truly see as a strong caring God fearing honest man. Never spoke ill of anyone and that includes my ex. When my mom and sisters became so angry with my ex it was my father that counseled restraint and working toward forgiveness.
I'm going to keep this short.

VR, find some way to fill part of the hole your father's passing left. Not a direct replacement, not even your pastor, some other means that brings his 'voice' back into your life. Really explore this idea.

Find some way to completely forgive yourself re the OBS ons. That 'last straw' as you called it is hanging over you. Leave this behind and you can look forward again. You are a good, strong man at heart, everyone here knows that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,403 ·
I'm going to keep this short.

VR, find some way to fill part of the hole your father's passing left. Not a direct replacement, not even your pastor, some other means that brings his 'voice' back into your life. Really explore this idea.

Find some way to completely forgive yourself re the OBS ons. That 'last straw' as you called it is hanging over you. Leave this behind and you can look forward again. You are a good, strong man at heart, everyone here knows that.
Yeah your hitting on a lot of the problem right here. And it's the reason I'm struggling. I'm acting out of character for me and I see it building up to a point that I'm afraid I'll become someone I don't like .. or maybe I'm already there.

The fact my ex is willing to help is secondary to me.

FYI I have not heard from her and I have no idea if she has read it or in the process of reading it. But then again there was an agreement not to have contact about this until Saturday afternoon during our meeting.



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Just remember the point of Christianity is that we believe we need a savior not because we want to be perfect. If you are thinking that to follow Christ you have to be perfect and make no mistakes then you are doing it wrong.
 

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Just remember the point of Christianity is that we believe we need a savior not because we want to be perfect. If you are thinking that to follow Christ you have to be perfect and make no mistakes then you are doing it wrong.
True, but that doesn't mean we just go off and do whatever. We have to use self control and evaluate where our actions are leading us. I think that's what he's trying to do, but I think it's a good reminder that we have to rely on the Lord, not ourselves to have understanding.
 

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True, but that doesn't mean we just go off and do whatever. We have to use self control and evaluate where our actions are leading us. I think that's what he's trying to do, but I think it's a good reminder that we have to rely on the Lord, not ourselves to have understanding.
When the man writes he is not sure he likes who he is becoming I think he is introspective enough to be reminded that the whole thing is about grace and mercy.
 

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Dude, I wish you'd stop worrying about women and what you think, feel about the ex and what to do with that.....etc.

She cheated. EVERYTHING about your relationship died then. All of these old feelings you still feel for this person.....those are feelings for someone that does not exist anymore. ALL of that died when she chose another man over you and willingly and enthusiastically gave all of herself to another men and did every marital act with him over you. That killed the marriage, it killed the bond you two once had, it broke every contract, covenant and promise that bound you both.

That person she once was.......it is dead. She no longer exists so stop pining for something that no longer exists.

I would you'd just focus on your purpose. Forget women. Forget relationships. Quit thinking about this ex.

Focus on what your passions are, business, art, music, charities, your son, travel, learning languages, helping the unfortunate, literature, writing,......WHATEVER.
Focus on you. Being the best you, finding a purpose in life, being the best dad you can be, raising a secure, well adapted son by giving him the best love, discipline, wisdom, support you can. Get back to finding your drive and purpose and stay on that track. Don't be distracted by women at all. Maybe, someday while you are killing it and taking life by storm and walking in your purpose.......IF some woman seems to be a super cool lady and you've vetted her as being virtuous and wise and loyal and easy going and sweet......you can welcome her to walk along side of you as you are living your purpose. That is way in the future.

Just get back to being the best you, you can be and find your purpose and live it. Follow your goals, interests and passions. Be a great dad.

Quit worrying about women and this ex. She made her choice 2 or so years ago. She killed that old life and relationship. Just let her go and quit worrying about her or "what to do" regarding her. There is nothing to do. Forget about women for now. Focus on you, your son, and finding and living your purpose.
 

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True, but that doesn't mean we just go off and do whatever. We have to use self control and evaluate where our actions are leading us. I think that's what he's trying to do, but I think it's a good reminder that we have to rely on the Lord, not ourselves to have understanding.
Part of his uneasiness could be the Lord challenging him on the casual sex. It's not what he wants for His children. Maybe talking to the pastor about that may help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,411 ·
Dude, I wish you'd stop worrying about women and what you think, feel about the ex and what to do with that.....etc.

She cheated. EVERYTHING about your relationship died then. All of these old feelings you still feel for this person.....those are feelings for someone that does not exist anymore. ALL of that died when she chose another man over you and willingly and enthusiastically gave all of herself to another men and did every marital act with him over you. That killed the marriage, it killed the bond you two once had, it broke every contract, covenant and promise that bound you both.

That person she once was.......it is dead. She no longer exists so stop pining for something that no longer exists.

I would you'd just focus on your purpose. Forget women. Forget relationships. Quit thinking about this ex.

Focus on what your passions are, business, art, music, charities, your son, travel, learning languages, helping the unfortunate, literature, writing,......WHATEVER.
Focus on you. Being the best you, finding a purpose in life, being the best dad you can be, raising a secure, well adapted son by giving him the best love, discipline, wisdom, support you can. Get back to finding your drive and purpose and stay on that track. Don't be distracted by women at all. Maybe, someday while you are killing it and taking life by storm and walking in your purpose.......IF some woman seems to be a super cool lady and you've vetted her as being virtuous and wise and loyal and easy going and sweet......you can welcome her to walk along side of you as you are living your purpose. That is way in the future.

Just get back to being the best you, you can be and find your purpose and live it. Follow your goals, interests and passions. Be a great dad.

Quit worrying about women and this ex. She made her choice 2 or so years ago. She killed that old life and relationship. Just let her go and quit worrying about her or "what to do" regarding her. There is nothing to do. Forget about women for now. Focus on you, your son, and finding and living your purpose.
The middle of your post is spot on. My purpose. My son. My business. I agree 100%. Where you are missing something in your post is when you speak of me worrying about what my ex or women in general think of me. I don't. I cannot control what someone thinks. My issue is what I think of me.

This experience... My experiences over the past two years have changed me. As experiences in life should. When I evaluate those changes I'm seeing someone that is doing things outside my normal behavior. Things I feel are self destructive and not healthy. Call it an attitude adjustment or a realignment of my moral compass. Whatever. I'm seeking guidance on that part.

Many are having a hard time separating my ex's involvement. I don't care if she is involved at this point. If it helps me and does not adversely affect her then why not? The ons with OBS is a non-issue as far as it having happened. It was just the straw that broke me and I realized this is not right and I need to step back and evaluate why I'm acting this way. How I am going to fix it. Add in the loss of my father and the rock he had become in my life that I always knew was there... I'm unable to do this on my own. I will repeat. For me this is a spiritual issue. Spiritual.. not women casual sex ex or OBS.

And not singling you out but I sometimes feel I'm not being heard. I'm truly giving everyone what my raw emotions and thoughts are at the time I post here. Earthly things are affecting my spiritual relationship with God. It's that simple and complex at the same time. It's also a very important aspect of my being and life so it's very important to me. It's at the core of my being.

Here's a final thought. Trust is paramount in a relationship. The events of the past two years have affected my ability to trust. Since a key component of any relationship with God is trust in him. Can you (the collective you) not understand how trust issues might be interfering with the relationship with God that I have?

Sometimes it's not about the cheater and cheating. Sometimes it's just trying to handle the fallout from the cheating itself.




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Two people that you counted on the most are gone. One through betrayal. The other through death. That's very difficult to manage and process.

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I was very close to my mom and was her caregiver for a couple of years, until she died a little over a year ago. We lived together for most of my life, as she never wanted to live alone and she was easy to live with. My husband and kids also adored her.

We say that God is in control, which he is to a point, but he also gives us free will in a broken, fallen world. His remedy was to meet us where we are at and to sacrifice himself for our benefit. He could have come off that cross at any time. He could have said, "forget it," any time, but he didn't. That's why I trust him. Because he could have quit at any time, but he stuck it out, because he loves us. I cannot imagine the amount of strength and courage that would take to be God and to become human to save us. It's radically loving.

You know, @VintageRetro, your father God wants you to go to him, like you did with your earthly father. He is there to listen and to guide you through the Holy Spirit. I'm thinking you might benefit from reading a book about faith through dark times. I've heard good things about this one:
 

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The middle of your post is spot on. My purpose. My son. My business. I agree 100%. Where you are missing something in your post is when you speak of me worrying about what my ex or women in general think of me. I don't. I cannot control what someone thinks. My issue is what I think of me.

This experience... My experiences over the past two years have changed me. As experiences in life should. When I evaluate those changes I'm seeing someone that is doing things outside my normal behavior. Things I feel are self destructive and not healthy. Call it an attitude adjustment or a realignment of my moral compass. Whatever. I'm seeking guidance on that part.

Many are having a hard time separating my ex's involvement. I don't care if she is involved at this point. If it helps me and does not adversely affect her then why not? The ons with OBS is a non-issue as far as it having happened. It was just the straw that broke me and I realized this is not right and I need to step back and evaluate why I'm acting this way. How I am going to fix it. Add in the loss of my father and the rock he had become in my life that I always knew was there... I'm unable to do this on my own. I will repeat. For me this is a spiritual issue. Spiritual.. not women casual sex ex or OBS.

And not singling you out but I sometimes feel I'm not being heard. I'm truly giving everyone what my raw emotions and thoughts are at the time I post here. Earthly things are affecting my spiritual relationship with God. It's that simple and complex at the same time. It's also a very important aspect of my being and life so it's very important to me. It's at the core of my being.

Here's a final thought. Trust is paramount in a relationship. The events of the past two years have affected my ability to trust. Since a key component of any relationship with God is trust in him. Can you (the collective you) not understand how trust issues might be interfering with the relationship with God that I have?

Sometimes it's not about the cheater and cheating. Sometimes it's just trying to handle the fallout from the cheating itself.




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The way we act and the things we do are all spiritual issues. Every decision we make affects our soul/spirituality and our relationship with God for better or for worse.
 

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The middle of your post is spot on. My purpose. My son. My business. I agree 100%. Where you are missing something in your post is when you speak of me worrying about what my ex or women in general think of me. I don't. I cannot control what someone thinks. My issue is what I think of me.

This experience... My experiences over the past two years have changed me. As experiences in life should. When I evaluate those changes I'm seeing someone that is doing things outside my normal behavior. Things I feel are self destructive and not healthy. Call it an attitude adjustment or a realignment of my moral compass. Whatever. I'm seeking guidance on that part.

Many are having a hard time separating my ex's involvement. I don't care if she is involved at this point. If it helps me and does not adversely affect her then why not? The ons with OBS is a non-issue as far as it having happened. It was just the straw that broke me and I realized this is not right and I need to step back and evaluate why I'm acting this way. How I am going to fix it. Add in the loss of my father and the rock he had become in my life that I always knew was there... I'm unable to do this on my own. I will repeat. For me this is a spiritual issue. Spiritual.. not women casual sex ex or OBS.

And not singling you out but I sometimes feel I'm not being heard. I'm truly giving everyone what my raw emotions and thoughts are at the time I post here. Earthly things are affecting my spiritual relationship with God. It's that simple and complex at the same time. It's also a very important aspect of my being and life so it's very important to me. It's at the core of my being.

Here's a final thought. Trust is paramount in a relationship. The events of the past two years have affected my ability to trust. Since a key component of any relationship with God is trust in him. Can you (the collective you) not understand how trust issues might be interfering with the relationship with God that I have?

Sometimes it's not about the cheater and cheating. Sometimes it's just trying to handle the fallout from the cheating itself.




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Remember that people will let us down and betray us but He never will. Not always easy to remember or acknowledge but true.
For me it was 4 years before I felt in anyway ready to date/trust another man again.
Before I was in anyway emotionally ready or healed enough to even consider anyone else.
Deep wounds take a long time to heal but this could be a great opportunity for you to draw closer to God and understand than He alone is the ultimate Father.
Both my parents died young, mum in her 50's and dad in his 60's and I did find it hard to manage the trauma I went through alone because by then they were no longer around. However it did mean I had to cling into God more. He was really all I and my children had.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5,417 ·
Two people that you counted on the most are gone. One through betrayal. The other through death. That's very difficult to manage and process.

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I was very close to my mom and was her caregiver for a couple of years, until she died a little over a year ago. We lived together for most of my life, as she never wanted to live alone and she was easy to live with. My husband and kids also adored her.

We say that God is in control, which he is to a point, but he also gives us free will in a broken, fallen world. His remedy was to meet us where we are at and to sacrifice himself for our benefit. He could have come off that cross at any time. He could have said, "forget it," any time, but he didn't. That's why I trust him. Because he could have quit at any time, but he stuck it out, because he loves us. I cannot imagine the amount of strength and courage that would take to be God and to become human to save us. It's radically loving.

You know, @VintageRetro, your father God wants you to go to him, like you did with your earthly father. He is there to listen and to guide you through the Holy Spirit. I'm thinking you might benefit from reading a book about faith through dark times. I've heard good things about this one:
Thank I'll look into the book.

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The middle of your post is spot on. My purpose. My son. My business. I agree 100%. Where you are missing something in your post is when you speak of me worrying about what my ex or women in general think of me. I don't. I cannot control what someone thinks. My issue is what I think of me.

This experience... My experiences over the past two years have changed me. As experiences in life should. When I evaluate those changes I'm seeing someone that is doing things outside my normal behavior. Things I feel are self destructive and not healthy. Call it an attitude adjustment or a realignment of my moral compass. Whatever. I'm seeking guidance on that part.

Many are having a hard time separating my ex's involvement. I don't care if she is involved at this point. If it helps me and does not adversely affect her then why not? The ons with OBS is a non-issue as far as it having happened. It was just the straw that broke me and I realized this is not right and I need to step back and evaluate why I'm acting this way. How I am going to fix it. Add in the loss of my father and the rock he had become in my life that I always knew was there... I'm unable to do this on my own. I will repeat. For me this is a spiritual issue. Spiritual.. not women casual sex ex or OBS.

And not singling you out but I sometimes feel I'm not being heard. I'm truly giving everyone what my raw emotions and thoughts are at the time I post here. Earthly things are affecting my spiritual relationship with God. It's that simple and complex at the same time. It's also a very important aspect of my being and life so it's very important to me. It's at the core of my being.

Here's a final thought. Trust is paramount in a relationship. The events of the past two years have affected my ability to trust. Since a key component of any relationship with God is trust in him. Can you (the collective you) not understand how trust issues might be interfering with the relationship with God that I have?

Sometimes it's not about the cheater and cheating. Sometimes it's just trying to handle the fallout from the cheating itself.




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VR, why don't you take a few days, go to a warm beach somewhere, stare at the ocean and let God speak to you. You will get your answers if you listen. Sending prayers your way.
 

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@VintageRetro ,

Before "all this" happened (the cheating, the divorce, the baby, losing your dad, and losing J), I think you felt like you had a pretty good grasp of who you thought you were, how your life would go, what you should and should not be like as a man, husband, and one-day father, how you would think and feel, when certain milestones would occur, etc. In other words, I suspect you felt pretty secure in yourself, your core, your values, and where you were going.

Having a spouse cheat, going through a divorce, having a child--with a faithful spouse or an unfaithful one, and losing people whom you love are all events that occur in life that literally shake you to the core. Sometimes people don't have a foundation in life, and when their world is rocked by ONE of these events, their world crumbles. Some people do have a foundation but when the life changing event comes along, they are so shook that their foundation cracks. And some people lose the world they had built and yet their foundation remains...and they can rebuild on it.

I suspect that you thought you had a firm foundation: spiritual faith and the unconditional support of parents and family. After your foundation was hit by five sledgehammers, I suspect your "crisis of faith" may just be that your foundation has REALLY been hit, and now it's not quite as firm as you thought it was. Here's the thing--you may feel infirm or have doubts but that doesn't necessarily mean that your foundation isn't there.

You've acted in ways that are outside your normal character. You've done things that lead you to question or outright challenge your image of "who you are." Well...that's not the end of the world. I am one of the most bubbly, optimistic, committed, spiritually-aware people I know and I committed adultery! Even really good people can do really, REALLY bad things because we are all fallible--but the trick is to learn from it. Go and sin no more. If you sleeping with OBS did not feel good and was not you, then guess what? You've discovered that's not you. Don't do it. :p If you've been acting angry or withdrawn and that's not you, then you've discovered that your Inner Core does not value that way of behaving. If you don't value it and are having trouble stopping...go see someone who can guide you (like a counselor, therapist, pastor or priest, or mentor).

My own MIL just recently passed away, and that's just one sledgehammer to my foundation. I find myself feeling untethered and at times even depressed (which is very much "not me") so you know what? I have to be mindful and accept this new life without her presence. I have to look for the joys and let myself enjoy them. I have to do some work to get through this. And it's the same for you. This doesn't have to do with "the cheating" other than that it was one of five sledgehammers to your foundation. So I pray your journey is fruitful and that you find your Inner VR and your new foundation.
 
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