Talk About Marriage banner
5361 - 5380 of 5425 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
2,970 Posts
I disagree. Reading this thread can help her REALLY understand the anguish that VR felt and to see his evolution from the beginning to where he is now. Yes, there were quite a bit of post that she will feel are harsh but even those can be helpful to understand how the world really thinks of her choices. I doubt she has anyone in real life who has been really honest with her. I would bet she received quite a bit of cuddling and maybe even some you go girl.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
20,488 Posts
I disagree. Reading this thread can help her REALLY understand the anguish that VR felt and to see his evolution from the beginning to where he is now. Yes, there were quite a bit of post that she will feel are harsh but even those can be helpful to understand how the world really thinks of her choices. I doubt she has anyone in real life who has been really honest with her. I would bet she received quite a bit of cuddling and maybe even some you go girl.
Reading what he said is one thing, reading so much vitriol and hate is another. I don't see the point now the marriage is over.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,970 Posts
Reading what he said is one thing, reading so much vitriol and hate is another. I don't see the point now the marriage is over.
You don’t see the point? It will help her be a better woman for the future. Whether they R or if she moves on, she should never want to stray. When you add in what her former cheerleader’s actions contributed in doing to her BH and family, she’s really seeing what adultery cost. I know she has evolved since then but something so destructive really needs to be reinforced.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
743 Posts
Reading what he said is one thing, reading so much vitriol and hate is another. I don't see the point now the marriage is over.
So she understands, Diana.

My presumptions here:

She's struggling herself right now for a myriad of reasons. Without putting too much effort into it, possibilities include:

  • She's potentially projecting J's death and the probabilities that she could have pushed VR in a similar direction. She may want/need to know how close she came to doing that to him. He can tell her, Yes/No, but reading this will give her a better idea of where he was at, for various points in time post d-day.
  • She's potentially feeling a TON of guilt over J's death. What if I'd been a better person and not cheated on VR and accepted Gina's cheerleading? What if I was a stronger person and got her to quit cheating? Maybe J's still alive if I was a better person?
  • Watching VR struggle. If she can't understand why/how/etc what he's going through, how can she feel comfortable her kid will grow up with a Dad?
And again, although they're not married, and not likely to be again, his ultimate end goal here should be to be friends with his ex. She can't get unfucked. She can't undo any of it. It's done. BUT, they're tied together for the rest of their lives for that kiddo. Both of their lives will be immeasurably better, if they're on the same page and can manage to enjoy each other's company. Some of that starts with understanding. If you don't know what a puzzle looks like because you don't have the picture on the box, it's awful difficult to put together. While, typically, that's the betrayed spouse trying to put together the picture of what happened in their life, it can certainly go the other way for the betrayer to understand what the betrayed went through. They didn't feel it. They don't truly know.

Edit: Also, VR has shown himself to be an incredibly pragmatic guy. He has a reason. It's certain to be well thought out. Maybe he'll share why, maybe not. That's up to him. But, I'm certain he's spent the requisite amount of time thinking through his pros and cons. It's who he is.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
20,488 Posts
So she understands, Diana.

My presumptions here:

She's struggling herself right now for a myriad of reasons. Without putting too much effort into it, possibilities include:

  • She's potentially projecting J's death and the probabilities that she could have pushed VR in a similar direction. She may want/need to know how close she came to doing that to him. He can tell her, Yes/No, but reading this will give her a better idea of where he was at, for various points in time post d-day.
  • She's potentially feeling a TON of guilt over J's death. What if I'd been a better person and not cheated on VR and accepted Gina's cheerleading? What if I was a stronger person and got her to quit cheating? Maybe J's still alive if I was a better person?
  • Watching VR struggle. If she can't understand why/how/etc what he's going through, how can she feel comfortable her kid will grow up with a Dad?
And again, although they're not married, and not likely to be again, his ultimate end goal here should be to be friends with his ex. She can't get unfucked. She can't undo any of it. It's done. BUT, they're tied together for the rest of their lives for that kiddo. Both of their lives will be immeasurably better, if they're on the same page and can manage to enjoy each other's company. Some of that starts with understanding. If you don't know what a puzzle looks like because you don't have the picture on the box, it's awful difficult to put together. While, typically, that's the betrayed spouse trying to put together the picture of what happened in their life, it can certainly go the other way for the betrayer to understand what the betrayed went through. They didn't feel it. They don't truly know.

Edit: Also, VR has shown himself to be an incredibly pragmatic guy. He has a reason. It's certain to be well thought out. Maybe he'll share why, maybe not. That's up to him. But, I'm certain he's spent the requisite amount of time thinking through his pros and cons. It's who he is.
For the sake of her emotional health and the child I would think it's a terrible idea for her to read the attacks, hate, vitriol and abuse here.
Yes she cheated, but it's been some time now and they should both leave it in the past. The marriage is over and gone and no good will come of digging it all up again.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,765 Posts
For the sake of her emotional health and the child I would think it's a terrible idea for her to read the attacks, hate, vitriol and abuse here.
Yes she cheated, but it's been some time now and they should both leave it in the past. The marriage is over and gone and no good will come of digging it all up again.
Agree Diana. Let me just say, I hate cheating. I think it is one of the worst things you can do to a person. However, how long do people expect her to pay for her cheating, the rest of her life? Respectfully folks, at some point in time she needs to be able to live her life.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
533 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5,367 ·
My ex has proven that she is further along in this recovery process than myself. Her request to read this thread comes on the heels of a meeting between the two of us and my/our pastor (she occasionally attends the church with our son when it's her weekend and sits with my mother. Who is ok with this).
Simply put I'm struggling in a couple of areas and she was asked to assist since they overlap with our old relationship. She knows and has known about the thread for awhile so it's not new. Her reasoning, and believe me we tried to talk her out of it, is that only by reading it she can truly understand the damage. And with the understanding help us navigate a path through defining our new relationship. One that is void of her pinning away for R and me drifting aimlessly between anger, hurt , and self-pity. It's that simple.

I get that people have strong feelings about this and the above is a very simplified version of about ten hours of talking and high emotions. But this is a path she is choosing and I'm ok with it. While I value everyone's input ultimately it's our lives.

Now once again let me say this...

I am not looking to R.
I have no clue if R is in the future but my answer today is the same it has been.. no. And I cannot see a path that leads me there. So again. No R.

What I am looking for is peace. I'm not myself and I'm acting in a manner that while it may seem normal to some of you is not normal for me. Infidelity changes people. I get it. But I don't like what I have changed into. The ons with OBS was the proverbial straw. If working with my ex helps them I'm working with my ex.

Thank you all. I'll try to let you know how things are going and if I seem rude or angry then I apologize but I'm just not looking to be nice about personal attacks on myself or even my ex any longer. She's an adulterer. A liar. But she's also my child's mother. I cannot be that guy that allows his son's mother to be constantly attacked especially when she is owning that bad behavior and attempting to right the wrong. Please give your honest advice but try to remember we are real people.

Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk
 

· Registered
Joined
·
4,815 Posts
Maybe it will better welp her understand the damage it does and to ask questions from future partners instead of thinking something and destroying the relationship because of her errant thoughts.

That would help protect their child by having mom understand her flawed thought process and be more stable in a future relationship.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,850 Posts
VR do what you have to do to find the peace you're seeking.

It was asked previously, does your ex know that you and the OBS hooked up? If not, if she learns about it by reading this thread, in your opinion how will she respond to learning this? Not asking if you care one way or the other, but how would finding this out help her in her journey?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
20,488 Posts
Agreed
Agree Diana. Let me just say, I hate cheating. I think it is one of the worst things you can do to a person. However, how long do people expect her to pay for her cheating, the rest of her life? Respectfully folks, at some point in time she needs to be able to live her life.
Agreed. I too hate cheating but she seems repentant and accepting now of having lost her marriage because if it.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
10,203 Posts
VR has placed himself in the position to have a real reconciliation with his wife, one which she might even love him (although she had no reason not to be in love with him when she cheated, so there’s that) .

However, few will wait forever. They probably should give it a shot soon if they’re going to try to have a new marriage. VR claims not to want that. So be it. His wife is one of the few I’ve read about here that I’d consider reconciling with. She showed in divorce and her actions since that she is truly sorry. Nobody but VR knows if she’d be loyal in the future.
Wishing them good luck with whatever they choose.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
533 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5,374 ·
VR do what you have to do to find the peace you're seeking.

It was asked previously, does your ex know that you and the OBS hooked up? If not, if she learns about it by reading this thread, in your opinion how will she respond to learning this? Not asking if you care one way or the other, but how would finding this out help her in her journey?
I told her and yes it hurt her but she realized it was none of her business. I agree there was no need in her finding out reading the thread.

And as of today I don't know if she has started or not. I have my son so it's possible she's going to read at night while she has some time alone.


Sent from my Pixel 6 Pro using Tapatalk
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,539 Posts
Agree Diana. Let me just say, I hate cheating. I think it is one of the worst things you can do to a person. However, how long do people expect her to pay for her cheating, the rest of her life? Respectfully folks, at some point in time she needs to be able to live her life.
Yes to this.

I think the only purpose to reading this for her is self flagellating. You could also hang a person up by their toes and beat them but they still aren’t going to understand what it’s like to have the floor drop out in the world, and fall into the void of being betrayed by the person they love most. She can get a taste but she will never, ever, understand. You cannot possibly truly KNOW unless you have felt it. I don’t think reading the vitriol of online strangers will be useful. I don’t believe shame is a helpful state of being and that’s all I can think she will feel by the end.

But I respect that these are the wishes of the people involved. I happen to believe in redemption and healing for her and everyone who wants it. And even if I don’t believe this method will bring closure, peace or healing for her, I respect that she wants to try to help VR heal. And I will pray that BOTH find the peace and healing they desire.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
20,488 Posts
Vintage Retro, if this is going to help both you and your wife then why on earth shouldn’t you go for it.

This isn’t about cheating, reconciliation etc, it is about helping you heal and I really hope this brings you the peace you seek,
How will his former wife being subjected to all this vitriol help him heal? Surely better for him to tell her himself what it did to him?
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
6,758 Posts
How will his former wife being subjected to all this vitriol help him heal? Surely better for him to tell her himself what it did to him?
I'm posting on @VintageRetro 's thread by answering @Diana7 's post. Here's the thing: when a person is an unfaithful spouse, the focus at that time is on the thrill and how it makes you feel. There's little or no thought of the faithful spouse, what it's done to them, or how they feel. And it's not like a faithful spouse can articulate this very well. "How did you feel a year ago at the lowest point of your life?" "Well... it hurt. I was devastated." That just doesn't cover it!!!

In real life, what this will do is allow Ex-MrsVR to read his anguish poured out "in real time"...which was also a time where that's not where her head was. Being as kind as I can, I suspect her head was much more in the mode of not wanting to lose XYZ over "a mistake" -- again, the focus being on her and what she was losing, not on VR himself or what he was going through.

Ex-MrsVR, I'll speak to you directly (assuming you're reading)--you ARE going to see some pretty harsh, judgmental posts. You are probably going to feel like a) defending yourself or b) you are lower than dirt on a shoe. Please bear in mind that all this was raw and that many people who posted were just as triggered as your ex-husband was...and they projected their hurt onto you. Hurting people hurt people. However, your ex-husband had a wonderful quality of sorting through the malarchy and finding the kernels of truth and solid advance. I hope you have the kindness in your heart to help him on his recovery journey. (Edited to add: It is my experienced advice to recommend to you that you not defend yourself or take it personally, but rather, allow your actions to show "who you are" and how you've grown. Show us rather than tell us. Not every unfaithful spouse faces themselves and becomes a better person, and I think it's conceivable you may have.So prove me right by reading these words with a grain of salt and using these words as a help to VR and not as some sort of description "of you." We know it's not.)

@VintageRetro , to you I'll say this: Ex-MrsVR has had some time and counsel to face, accept, and deal with/cope with the ending and death of the marriage. Partly because she was the one who began the end of the marriage through her actions--that put her a few months ahead of you. In the same time period, you've also had to deal with the sudden and shocking loss of your father, and now the death of your friend J who ended his own life dealing with the very pain that you also endured! I don't think you've really had time to face, accept and deal with/copy with the ending of your marriage AND the loss of your father AND the trigger of the way your friend J passed. Ex-MrsVR had kind of "one" thing to focus on, and she had the help of a therapist to guide her. So far, that has not been the case for you. So work with your pastor, maybe consider a grief support group, and take the time now to fully face this perhaps with the help of a therapist of your own.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
6,758 Posts
... But I respect that these are the wishes of the people involved. I happen to believe in redemption and healing for her and everyone who wants it. And even if I don’t believe this method will bring closure, peace or healing for her, I respect that she wants to try to help VR heal. And I will pray that BOTH find the peace and healing they desire.
QFT!!! (Quoted for Truth)
 
5361 - 5380 of 5425 Posts
Top